HIS  PSEUDOIC  MAJESTY 


OR 


THE  KNIGHTS  OF  THE  FLEECE 


ILLUSTRATED  BY  A.  WEST 
FROM  ORIGINAL  DRAWINGS  BY  THE  AUTHOR 


NEW  YORK 
THE  LIBERTY  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 

18  WALL  STREET 
1903 


COPYRIGHT,  1903, 
BY  WILLIAM  AUGUSTUS   SMITH. 


All  rights  reserved. 

Registered  at 

STATIONERS'  HALL, 

London,  England. 

Printed  in  the 

United  States  <*•  America. 

Publisbed  in  June,   1903. 

Press  of 

Braunworth  &  Co. 

Bookbinders  and  Printers 

Brooklyn,  H.  Y, 


CONTENTS 


PAGE 

I. — THE  TITULAR  INTRUSION 7 

II. — THE  ANGLOPHOBIC  SPARK  .     ,     .     .       16 
III. — THE  ANGLOPHOBIC  FLAME  ....     37 

IV. — THE  VOYAGE 58 

V. — THE  STRUGGLE  FOR  PRECEDENCY     .     65 

VI. — ON  BRITISH  SOIL 80 

VII. — AT  THE  GRAVE  OF  HIS  ANCESTOR    .     91 
VIII. — THE  AMERICAN  NOBILITY  .     .     .     .     in 

IX. — THE  FIRST  CREATION 126 

X. — THE  LETTER  TO  THE  KING    .     .     .     144 
XI. — WASHINGTON  AND  LINCOLN  RECALLED.   162 
XII. — THE  GOAL  OF  AMERICA     ....     174 
XIII. — THE  STATUE  OF  LIBERTY  RECALLED  .   193 
XIV. — THE  PRECIPITATION  OF  ANCESTRY  .     214 
XV. — THE  WORSHIP  OF  ANCESTRY     .     .     .225 
XVI. — THE  FLIGHT   OF   THE  ANCIENT  AN 
CESTOR     246 

XVII.— THE  COMBAT .261 

XVIII. — THE  CONSPIRACY  OF  THE  KNIGHTS  .       271 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

XIX. — THE     KNIGHT     OF     THE     TITULAR 

FLEECE 285 

XX. — THE  PIRATICAL  EXPEDITION    .     .    .  294 

XXI. IN    THE    PSEUDOIC    REALM   ....       307 

XXII. — THE  PRINCESS  PSEU  ......  329 

XXIII. — THE  DESPAIR  OF  LIBERTE  ....     342 

XXIV.— THE  SUPPLIANT  APPEAL  .  .  .  .  358 

XXV. — THE  COMING  OF  THE  KING  .  .  .  364 
XXVI.— THE  VICTORY 381 


LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS 


"MOTHER  !"  CRIED  CoLUMBiASON  (Frontispiece). 

THE  "CHILD  OF  THE  SKY" 50 

"NAY!  NAY!  I  SPURN  THEE,  WOMAN!".     .     .     97 
HE  EXTENDED  HIS  ARMS  TOWARD  HIS  ADORA 
BLE  ONE  AND  FOLLOWED  HER      .     -.     .     .191 
THE  COAT  OF  MAIL  DROPPED  TO  THE  FLOOR 

AND  THE  ANCESTOR  WAS  GONE  ....     260 

THE  KING  AND  CROWN  IN  JEOPARDY      .     .     .  254 

THE  STRUGGLE  FOR  THE  SWORD  OF  JUSTICE    .  392 

DROPPING   THEIR   SWORDS   THEY   REELED  AND 

FELL  UPON  THEIR  FACES 395 


PREFACE  TO  THE   FIRST  EDITION 

I  have  observed  that  in  most  pioneer  organiza 
tions,  of  whatever  nature,  a  feeling  of  fellowship 
exists;  but  with  the  increase  in  numbers  and 
wealth  come  the  spirit  of  caste  and  the  worship 
ful  adoration  of  gold,  imparting  to  the  "caste- 
bDund  "  and  to  the  gold  idolaters  a  self-impor 
tance  so  seemingly  great  as  to  obscure  in  them 
the  vision  to  nobler  and  higher  purposes  in  life 
than  the  pride  of  self  and  the  worship  of  fleeting 
possessions. 

My  mind  is  carried  back  to  the  early  days  of 
our  great  republic — back  to  its  struggles,  even 
before  it  assumed  free  governmental  form — and 
I  behold  a  tie  of  fellowship,  uniting  all  in  a  com 
mon  cause — the  cause  of  freedom!  The  "Lib 
erty  Cap  "  could  then  be  worn  by  all  alike  as  a 
symbol  of  freedom,  unity,  fellowship  and  love  of 
country. 

To-day  I  behold,  with  sorrow,  many  of  the  sons 
and  daughters  of  the  republic  caste-bound,  dis 
playing,  with  pride,  their  "family"  coats-of- 
arms  and  boasting  of  their  ancient  ancestry, 
which  seems,  much  more  than  the  love  of  coun- 


6  PREFACE 

try,  to  absorb  their  attention.  I  also  behold 
many  of  the  daughters  of  the  republic  seeking 
foreign  title  through  marriage  with  impecunious 
and,  not  infrequently,  imbecile,  titled  foreigners, 
as  if  to  show  to  the  world  their  disdain  of  the 
country  that  gave  them  birth ;  and  I  behold  its 
sons  bowing  before  golden  idols  and  monopoliz 
ing  the  various  industries  of  the  country,  to  the 
great  detriment  of  their  fellow-countrymen,  the 
producers,  to  whom  the  republic  owes  its  life 
to-day. 

My  book,  which  is  allegorical,  is  based  on  this 
state  of  facts,  and  although  the  ridiculous  has,  on 
some  occasions,  been  made  absurdly  ludicrous,  I 
trust  the  book  will  inspire  its  readers  with  a  love 
for  the  sublime  principles  which  inspired  our  fore 
fathers  in  the  great  work  which  laid  the  founda 
tion  for  our  happiness. 

THE  AUTHOR. 


HIS  PSEUDOIC  MAJESTY 

CHAPTER  I 

THE    TITULAR    INTRUSION 

It  was  about  the  year  nineteen  hundred 
and — never  mind  the  exact  time;  a  few 
years  more  or  less  are  of  little  moment  in 
the  record  of  great  events.  Suffice  it  to 
say  that  Columbiason  stood  on  the  bank 
of  one  of  the  most  charmingly  beautiful 
little  lakes  in  the  world — a  perfect  mirror, 
framed  by  a  park  equally  beautiful,  with 
its  almost  endless  variety  of  scenery  of 
indescribable  splendor,  comprising  cas 
cades  falling  thousands  of  feet  as  they 
trembled  in  the  breeze  like  delicate  sil 
very  ribbons,  cathedral-like  rocks  rising 
in  majestic  beauty  to  the  clouds — natural 
obelisks  and  spires  and  domes  appearing 
here  and  there — noble  oaks  towering  to 
the  skies;  broad,  grassy  fields  and  pine- 
covered  hills;  stretches  of  rosebeds  laid 


8  HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

out  in  the  most  artistic  manner,  with 
blooming  roses,  flowers  and  plants  of 
every  description  and  of  every  color  of 
the  rainbow,  the  whole  scene  rendered 
more  resplendent  by  the  rays  of  the  sun, 
which  had  risen  in  golden  hue  from  behind 
the  verdure-covered  hills  and  great  moun 
tain  peaks. 

There  he  stood,  contemplating  the  beau 
ties  and  attractions  of  the  magnificent 
scene,  and  reflecting  upon  the  fact  that 
all  within  the  range  of  his  eye,  and  indeed 
much  more,  belonged  to  him.  As  he 
turned  his  eyes  from  scene  to  scene,  they 
finally  fell  upon  the  magnificent  little  lake 
in  front  of  him  and  beheld  his  stately 
form,  mirrored  as  perfectly  as  if  he  had 
stood  before  a  mirror  of  most  polished 
glass,  and  perfectly  revealing  the  contour 
and  features  of  his  handsome  face,  which 
had  grown  more  handsome  from  the  years 
of  experience  and  the  consequent  wise 
appearance  which  that  experience  ap 
peared  to  convey. 

As  Columbiason  looked  into  his  own 
eyes,  his  attention  was  turned  from  his  pos 
sessions  and  the  entrancing  scenery  around 
him  to  himself,  as  the  son  of  Columbia, 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY  9 

who,  as  our  readers  doubtless  know,  was 
much  admired  and  beloved  by  the  God 
dess  of  Liberty  for  her  sterling  qualities 
and  devotion  to  the  cause  of  freedom — 
a  mother  who  had  carefully  nurtured  her 
boy  and  beheld  him  grow  to  manhood's 
estate  and  develop,  under  the  wisdom  of 
the  ages,  to  a  state  of  perfection  surpassing 
the  highest  expectations  of  his  comrades 
and  schoolfellows.  No  wonder  Columbia- 
son  reflected  upon  his  accomplishments, 
his  stature  and  the  still  wonderful  possi 
bilities  open  to  him;  no  wonder,  as  he 
beheld  his  own  form  so  perfectly  reflected 
in  the  mirror  lake,  he  dwelt  upon  his  many 
deeds  of  virtue,  wisdom,  mercy  and  jus 
tice,  which  deeds,  although  not  reflected 
in  the  lake,  had  reflected  themselves 
upon  the  ocean  of  truth  and  justice, 
upon  which,  but  for  such  reflection, 
many  a  bark  of  freedom  now  successfully 
launched  would  have  been  dashed  to 
pieces,  through  false  allurement  of  mon 
archical  beacon-lights,  upon  the  muddy 
flats  of  antiquity.  He  had  little  if  any 
thing  to  criticise  in  himself,  nor  any  occa 
sion  to  regret  his  past  life.  His  thoughts 
and  actions  had,  he  felt,  been  only  for  the 


io  HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

general  good;  his  possessions  had  been 
acquired  honestly,  and  he  could  truth 
fully  say  that  he  owed  no  man  a  dollar. 
In  fact,  Columbiason  was  pretty  well  satis 
fied  with  himself,  and  the  feeling  seemed 
to  take  possession  of  him  that  he  had 
nothing  more  to  do  but  to  rest  in  the  posi 
tive  assurance  that  he  had  properly  served 
his  mission  thus  far,  and  had  only  to  con 
tinue  in  well-doing  until  called  to  leave  all 
to  his  beneficiaries. 

Thus  contented  with  himself,  the  son  of 
Columbia  was  about  to  withdraw  his  eyes 
from  the  reflected  object  of  his  meditations 
when,  to  his  great  astonishment,  there 
appeared  beside  his  image  on  the  lake 
another  figure  in  the  form  of  a  youth, 
gorgeously  attired  in  the  armor  of  a  knight 
of  old.  On  the  head  of  the  knight  was  a 
helmet,  with  the  visor  turned  up,  dis 
playing  a  face  smooth  and  beautiful  to 
behold,  with  features  clean  cut,  but  some 
what  weak,  and  eyes  which,  from  his 
slight  information  about  ancient  knight 
hood,  Columbiason  imagined  must  be  blue. 
The  knight  had  long,  curly  hair,  which,  from 
his  similarly  slight  information,  Columbiason 
imagined  to  be  light  in  color  and  as  beauti- 


HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY  n 

ful  as  the  hair  of  a  fairy  queen.  By  the 
side  of  the  knight  hung  a  sword,  like 
that  which  usually  completed  the  make-up 
of  an  ancient  knight.  Indeed,  his  figure 
was  quite  attractive  and  fascinating  to 
Columbiason,  who  gazed  at  it  in  the 
greatest  bewilderment,  and  to  whom  it 
appeared  even  more  real  than  his  own 
reflection,  which  its  owner  caused  to  re 
main  stationary,  while  the  reflection  of 
the  knight  appeared  to  move  with  a  grace 
and  ease  which  showed  an  apparent  train 
ing  in  posing  and  gesture,  calculated  to 
inspire  the  beholder  with  the  importance 
of  those  features  as  a  first  principle  of 
knighthood's  requirements. 

Finally  the  knight,  in  a  manner  digni 
fied  and  commanding,  folded  his  arms, 
and  a  voice  somewhat  effeminate  but  per 
fectly  articulated,  was  heard  to  exclaim: 
"Columbiason,  hear  me!  Thou  hast  been 
gazing  upon  thine  own  reflection  and 
dwelling  upon  thy  past  virtues  and  accom 
plishments,  satisfied  with  thyself  and 
contented,  no  doubt,  in  the  contemplation 
of  thine  acquirements  as  the  son  of  Colum 
bia!  Little  dost  thou  dream  of  the  wonder 
ful  possibilities  in  the  realm  of  antiquity 


12  HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

which  await  thine  activities!  That  thou 
hast  acquired  wealth,  'tis  true;  but  wealth 
can  be  squandered  and  forgotten  with  the 
father  of  it!  That  thou  hast  many  vir 
tues  is  equally  true;  but  even  they  may 
be  forgotten  by  thy  posterity!  Strange 
it  is,  thou  son  of  Columbia,  that,  with  all 
thy  careful  rearing,  thou  shouldst  even 
have  passed  the  age  of  youth  without  a 
knowledge  of  thy  rights  as  the  worthy 
posterity  of  worthy  ancestry!  I  wonder 
not  that,  with  the  lack  of  such  knowledge, 
thou  shouldst  be  content  in  the  assurance 
that  thou  hast  fully  performed  thy  duty; 
but  tell  me,  pray,  where  is  the  armorial 
ensign  of  thine  ancestors?  Knowest  thou 
not  that  long  after  thy  wealth  has  been 
squandered  and  thy  virtues  forgotten, 
this  would  be  cherished  by  thy  posterity? 
Yet  I  behold  it  not  amongst  thy  posses 
sions." 

"But,  sir  knight,  I  have  no  ancestors!" 
ejaculated  Columbiason,  in  a  spirit  of  vexa 
tious  awe. 

"Thou  sayest  truly,  for  thine  ancestors 
are  dead,"  replied  the  knight;  "but,"  he 
continued,  "thou  canst  search  amongst 
the  dead  ashes  of  the  past  and  resurrect 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY  13 

them,  in  the  minds  of  thy  posterity,  who 
will  behold  in  them  the  greatness  of  Colum- 
biason!" 

"  What  have  I  to  do  with  mine  ancestor? 
He  has  done  naught  for  me!"  responded 
Columbiason. 

"True;  but  he  should  do  much.  Thou 
shouldst  bring  him  forth  and  make  him 
work.  He  will  be  faithful  to  thee,  even 
when  thou  sleepest,"  replied  the  knight. 

The  son  of  Columbia,  becoming  more 
and  more  bewildered,  stared  more  intently 
at  the  knight's  reflection;  then  raising  his 
right  arm,  he  inquired,  in  a  tone  of  voice 
sonorous  and  commanding:  "Who  art 
thou,  knight,  and  whence  comest  thou?" 

"I  am  a  messenger  from  King  Pseudo, 
by  whom  I  am  sent  to  enlighten  thee  on 
thy  possibilities  as  the  salt  of  the  earth. 
My  name  is  'Title'!  Thou  seest  in  this 
beautiful  lake  my  reflection,  but  thou  must 
look  for  me  in  the  air.  Adieu!"  replied 
the  knight,  as  his  reflection  disappeared 
from  the  lake  and  from  view  of  Columbia- 
son,  who  stood  for  a  moment  awe-stricken 
at  what  he  had  seen  and  heard. 

On  regaining  himself,  Columbiason 
looked  in  every  direction  for  the  vanished 


14  HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

knight,  whom  he  failed  to  discover.  At 
last  he  sat  down  on  one  of  nature's  rocky 
sofas,  of  which  the  beautiful  park  con 
tained  a  great  variety,  and  meditated  on 
the  words  which  the  knight  had  spoken; 
then  he  said  to  himself,  "  I  fear  me  this 
knight  hath  turned  mine  head!  Mine  an 
cestors  are  dead,  yet  must  I  make  them 
live?  My  wealth  may  be  squandered  and 
my  virtues  forgotten,  yet  mine  armorial 
ensigns  will  live  forever  and  reflect  my 
greatness  to  my  posterity.  Thus  are  the 
dead  of  more  value  than  the  living!  O 
knight!  thou  almost  persuadest  me  to 
die  that  I  may  live!  Thou  wouldst  send 
me  to  the  age  of  antiquity  to  delve  amongst 
the  ashes  of  the  past!  Ha!  Ha!  Al 
ready  do  I  find  myself  conversing  in  the 
language  of  the  dead!  And  to  think  that 
I  have  an  ancestor — reflected  from  the 
dying  embers  of  the  ashes  of  antiquity! 
A  dim  reflection,  surely,  but  he  must  be 
there,  for  the  knight  hath  so  said.  Why 
should  I  longer  remain  plain  Columbiason? 
Where,  where  are  the  ashes  of  my  fathers?" 
So  saying,  the  son  of  Columbia  arose 
from  his  rocky  seat  and  gazed  for  a  moment 
into  the  lake;  then  he  fell  back  again  into 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY  15 

the  seat  and  was  soon  in  an  unconscious 
sleep,  in  which  condition  he  remained  for 
about  an  hour.  When  he  awoke,  he 
looked  around  in  a  half  dazed  condition,  as 
if  awakening  from  a  dream;  then  he  arose, 
placed  his  hands  behind  his  back,  and 
strolled  leisurely,  in  a  meditative  mood, 
in  the  direction  of  his  mansion,  his  head 
bowed  and  his  eyes  fixed  upon  the  ground; 
nor  did  he  raise  his  eyes  until  he  arrived 
at  the  massive  doors  leading  to  the  main 
corridor  of  the  palace,  and  only  then  to 
enable  him  to  touch  the  button  connecting 
with  an  electric  bell.  In  response  to  the 
touch  of  the  button  the  great  doors  swung 
inward  on  their  heavy  hinges,  and  the  son 
of  Columbia  entered  his  palatial  home 
a  different  man — changed  by  the  alluring 
temptations  suggested  by  the  mythy 
knight. 


CHAPTER  II 

THE    ANGLOPHOBIC    SPARK 

The  discovery  of  the  fact  of  a  possible 
ancient  ancestor,  through  the  revelation  of 
the  ancient  knight,  appeared  to  have  made 
a  deep  impression  upon  Columbiason, 
of  which  he  could  not  rid  himself;  namely, 
that  he  had  discovered  his  greatness.  How 
should  he  proceed  to  dignify  the  discovery? 
was  the  next  question.  For  a  discovery 
kept  solely  within  the  knowledge  of  the 
discoverer  would  lose  its  value,  or  rather, 
it  would  be  without  value,  and  the  dis 
coverer  would  be  devoid  of  prestige.  This 
would  never  do.  He  must  get  possession 
of  the  ashes  of  his  ancestors  by  whatever 
means.  Just  how  to  accomplish  this  was 
a  problem  apparently  difficult  of  solution 
by  the  son  of  Columbia.  The  first  thing 
to  do  was  to  locate  them,  and  the  next 
thing  to  be  accomplished  was  the  exca 
vating  process. 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY  17 

That  Columbiason  had  an  ancestor  there 
was  no  doubt;  for  the  knight,  as  he  had 
before  reminded  himself,  had  told  him  so; 
and  to  be  the  happy  progenitor  or  source 
of  the  ashes,  his  ancestor  must  have  been 
cremated,  and  if  cremated,  the  posterity 
must  go  back  to  the  ancient  days  of  the 
funeral  pyre — back,  back  into  antiquity 
—to  obtain  his  ashes.  This  Columbiason 
knew  must  be  a  long  journey,  and  he  was 
at  his  wit's  end  to  know  how  to  proceed, 
when  he  chanced  to  hear  of  a  certain  her 
aldic  college,  which  guaranteed  to  obtain 
coats-of-arms  and  various  armorial  en 
signs  without  publicity.  This  he  looked 
upon  as  a  fortunate  coincidence.  To 
think  that  just  as  he  was  in  need  of  counsel, 
a  heraldic  college  should  come  to  his  relief 
and  even  offer  to  obtain  the  important 
ancestral  necessities  without  publicity — 
a  guarantee  of  so  much  moment  at  that 
particular  time;  for  to  publish  to  the 
world  his  ancestral  proclivities  before  even 
the  location  of  the  much  desired  ashes, 
might  lay  him  open  to  equally  prompt 
ridicule  and  unpleasant  criticism,  thus 
placing  obstacles  in  the  way  of  his  search. 

Thus  meditating  and  arguing  with  him- 


i8  HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

self,  Columbiason  concluded  to  communi 
cate  with  the  said  college  without  delay. 
He  therefore,  lost  no  time  in  informing  its 
faculty  of  his  desire,  in  an  apologetic  epistle, 
in  which  he  regretted  that  he  had  not 
been  made  aware  until  recently,  of  the 
existence  of  an  ancient  ancestor  and  that 
that  individual  was  etherealized  so  long 
ago  as  to  make  a  search  for  his  ashes 
necessarily  troublesome  and  tedious.  He 
took  occasion  to  state,  however,  that 
money  was  no  object  to  him,  and  if  the 
records  of  the  college  did  not  go  back  far 
enough  to  disclose  the  location  of  the 
ashes  of  his  ancient  ancestor,  the  faculty 
need  not  hesitate  to  proceed  with  the 
search  beyond  the  recorded  data,  as  the 
further  they  would  be  obliged  to  extend 
their  search  into  antiquity  the  better 
pleased  he  would  be,  provided  his  ancestor's 
ashes  and  the  customs  prevailing  at  the 
time  of  the  demise  of  their  owner,  were 
kept  within  the  realm  of  the  British  Isles, 
for  which,  he  said,  he  had  formed  a  great 
liking. 

It  might  well  be  imagined  that  in  due 
course  of  time  Columbiason  received  an 
answer  to  his  communication  to  the  her- 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  19 

aldic  college.  In  this  answer,  he  was  in 
formed  that  his  ancient  ancestor  had  been 
traced  to  a  funeral  pyre  at  what  was 
known  as  "Spurn  Head,"  located  at  the 
mouth  of  the  river  "Humber"  where  it 
empties  into  the  North  Sea,  in  the  County 
of  York,  England,  and  that  he  could  take 
his  own  time  in  locating  the  much  desired 
ashes.  A  diagram  of  a  coat-of-arms,  to 
which  Columbiason  was  presumably  en 
titled,  was  enclosed  in  the  answer,  in 
which  he  was  advised  that  diligent  search 
through  the  records,  covering  the  various 
countries  of  the  earth's  surface  (except,  of 
course,  his  own  country,  which  did  not 
interest  him),  had  failed  to  disclose  the 
name  "Columbiason;"  that  the  nearest 
approach  to  that  name  was  "  Columbidae,  "* 
which,  it  might  be  perceived,  carried  the 
letters  as  far  as  "bi,"  and  then,  instead  of 
ending  in  "ason,"  the  letters  "dae"  were 
added ;  but  he  was  assured  beyond  a  doubt 
that  the  genus  "Columba"  was  the  out 
growth  of  the  "Columbidae,"  ranked 
among  the  "  Gallinaceous,  "f  but  exhibiting 
points  of  resemblance  to  the  order  "  In- 

*A  family  of  dove  or  pigeon.  t  An  order  of  bird. 


20  HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

sessores,"*  which  had  been  constituted 
into  a  distinct  order,  and  that  the  en 
closed  diagram  or  design  was  entirely 
accurate  as  a  representation  of  the  family 
for  which  it  was  intended. 

Columbiason  was  overjoyed  when  he 
read  the  reply  from  the  heraldic  college 
to  his  solicitous  inquiries  for  ancient  an 
cestral  honors.  And  particularly  pleased 
was  he  to  note  that  his  ancestors  were 
ranked  among  the  "Gallinaceous"  and 
exhibited  points  of  resemblance  to  the 
order  of  "  Insessores ; "  but  what  pleased 
him  most  of  all  was  that  they  were  a  dis 
tinct  order — distinction  being  his  greatest 
object. 

When  Columbiason  examined  the  en 
closed  design,  however,  he  appeared  to 
manifest  some  disappointment.  It  was 
nothing  but  the  picture  of  a  little  bird, 
resembling  a  dove,  perched  on  a  single 
straw.  For  a  moment  this  shook  his 
confidence  in  his  ancestors.  How  any 
body  belonging  to  a  distinct  order,  like 
the  "Insessores,"  could  put  a  little  bird 
on  a  straw  and  call  it  a  coat-of-arms  or 
an  armorial  ensign,  was  more  than  he  could 

*Birds  having  feet  suitable  for  perching. 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY  21 

understand.  He  had  expected  something 
more  robust  from  the  ancients;  and  if  he 
was  to  have  a  bird,  that  bird  should, 
he  felt,  be  a  large  one  and  one  to 
his  own  liking.  The  design  was,  there 
fore,  redrawn  in  his  own  country,  and 
when  the  new  drawing  was  returned  to 
him,  it  represented  an  eagle  sitting  on  the 
limb  of  a  tree. 

Columbiason,  at  first,  eyed  the  design 
with  some  degree  of  satisfaction,  but  on 
due  inspection  and  after  some  delibera 
tion,  he  concluded  that  the  bird  looked 
too  much  like  the  American  eagle;  and 
such  an  emblem  could  not  be  considered 
for  a  moment.  Everybody  knew  that 
the  American  eagle  was  comparatively  a 
recent  discovery,  and  he  had  convinced 
himself  that  antiquity  should  figure  above 
all  else  in  a  design  for  a  coat-of-arms  for 
the  House  of  Columbiason.  Then,  too, 
so  long  as  the  design  had  to  be  changed, 
why  not  have  it  made  to  suit  himself? 
He  had  every  assurance  in  his  own  mind 
that  "Columbidae"  was  English;  and  that 
his  descent  was  lineal  and  direct  the  her 
aldic  college  would  no  doubt  verify, 
even  if  the  design  which  it  had  forwarded 


22  HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

to  him  was  not  ample  verification  of  that 
fact. 

Now,  Columbiason  knew  that  the  lion 
figured  very  conspicuously  among  the  ani 
mals  and  birds  borne  in  coat-armor,  and  he 
had  been  credibly  informed  that,  even  as 
early  as  the  twelfth  century,  the  king  of 
beasts  was  assumed  as  an  appropriate 
emblem  by  the  sovereigns  of  England. 
That  was  proof  sufficient  that  the  English 
lion  was  much  more  ancient  than  the  Amer 
ican  eagle;  and,  while  Columbiason  did 
not  care  particularly  for  the  whole  lion, 
he  could  not  understand  why  the  bird 
should  not  be  made  to  perch  on  the  lion's 
head  instead  of  on  a  straw  or  on  the  limb 
of  a  tree;  then,  if  the  bird  should  not  be 
exactly  English,  the  lion's  head  would 
certainly  be  recognized  everywhere  as  a 
British  emblem. 

The  more  Columbiason  thought  the  mat 
ter  over  the  more  the  propriety  of  the 
change  in  the  design  appealed  to  his  mind ; 
and  in  due  time,  the  reconstruction  of  the 
design  was  effected  and  the  Columbiason 
coat-of-arms,  in  the  nature  of  a  goose 
perched  upon  a  lion's  head,  was  conspicu 
ously  displayed  on  nearly  all  of  his  be- 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  23 

longings.  This  gave  rise  to  a  vulgar  in 
sinuation  on  the  part  of  the  enemies  of  the 
son  of  Columbia  (for  he,  of  course,  had 
some  enemies),  that  the  lion's  head  repre 
sented  the  British  Empire  and  the  goose 
represented  the  son  of  Columbia;  but  such 
undignified  insinuations  were  too  much 
beneath  the  notice  of  the  proprietor  of  the 
unique  emblem  to  disturb  his  equilibrium. 
On  the  contrary,  these  aspersions  seemed 
only  to  strengthen  him  in  his  own  esti 
mation,  as  well  as  to  lessen  his  maligners 
in  the  same  opinion;  for  he  felt  that,  did 
he  not  amount  to  something,  he  would 
not  be  the  subject  of  notice,  much  less  of 
criticism.  He,  therefore,  continued  to 
grow  more  popular  with  himself,  and  to 
desire  to  force  this  popularity  upon  those 
whose  appreciation  of  ancestral  honors 
was  as  dull  as  their  antipathy  to  anti 
quated  titles  was  keen. 

But,  although  Columbiason  had  ob 
tained  some  trace  of  his  ancient  ances 
try  and  had  completed  his  design  for  a 
coat-of-arms,  consistent,  as  he  believed, 
with  the  discovery,  he  was  still  Columbia- 
son;  and  everybody  knew  it.  Of  what 
good  was  his  ancient  ancestry,  of  what 


24  HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

good  his  armorial  ensigns,  if  he  could  not 
get  out  of  himself?  In  other  words,  if  he 
could  not  obtain  recognition,  apart  from 
himself,  as  the  reflector  of  such  ancestral 
and  armorial  refulgence.  So  long  as  he 
remained  a  plain  American,  neither  his 
ancestry  nor  his  ancient  coat-of-arms, 
however  modernized,  would  elevate  him 
in  the  mind  of  his  countrymen.  No,  he 
must  stand  apart  from  them;  he  must  be 
superior  to  them — he  must  live  more  in 
the  past,  or,  more  properly  speaking,  in 
the  age  of  antiquity.  His  ancestors  were 
English  and  his  subordinates  and  ser 
vants  must  also  be  English.  His  yachts 
must  be  manned  by  English  crews  and 
his  household  must  be  able  to  recognize 
the  lion's  head  as  the  superior  emblem 
even  of  the  goose.  This  would  be  a  good 
beginning. 

Arguing  thus  with  himself,  Columbia- 
son  made  up  his  mind  as  to  the  proper 
course  to  pursue;  and  it  was  not  long  be 
fore  all  of  his  servants  were  substituted 
by  British  subjects,  and  the  ways  and 
manners  of  the  English  nobility  lent  a 
particular  and  fascinating  charm  to  him, 
resulting  in  his  constant  affiliation  with 


HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY  25 

those  titled  celebrities  of  "high  degree," 
thus  gradually  lifting  him  out  of  himself 
as  Columbiason,  to  himself  as  the  poster 
ity  of  ancient  and  antiquated  ancestry, 
whose  importance  began  more  vigorously 
to  manifest  itself  to  his  consciousness. 

Everything  was  English  now,  from  his 
ancestry  up,  and  why  should  he  not  find 
favor  with  the  King  and  receive  a  title 
becoming  the  ancestry  of  whose  coat-of- 
arms  he  was  the  worthy  inheritor?  A 
great  idea!  He  would  cultivate  the 
King's  acquaintance.  In  the  mean  time 
he  would  consider  what  degree  of  title 
would  best  serve  his  laudable  ambitions 
and  enable  him  to  maintain  the  dignity 
of  his  ancestors,  so  that  he  could  find  favor 
with  the  world  and  with  himself  as  a  credit 
able  posterity. 

Another  question,  rather  vexatious 
than  otherwise,  soon  arose  in  the  mind  of 
Columbiason.  He  had  not  had  time  to 
ponder  over  the  uses  to  which  an  ancient 
coat-of-arms  could  be  put,  or  rather 
should  be  put  in  his  country.  He  had 
certain  sensibilities  which  he  did  not  deem 
it  advisable  to  shock  by  a  display  of  any 
lack  of  knowledge  on  a  matter  so  im- 


26  HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

portant.  Then,  too,  it  appeared  to  him 
that  there  were  others  who  had  sensi 
bilities  in  that  direction,  and  it  occurred 
to  him  that  the  uses  of  such  a  coat-of- 
arms  should  be  made  known  to  them  grad 
ually,  lest  the  effect  of  too  sudden  a  con 
trast  with  it  might  be  of  a  dazzling  nature 
and  create  unpleasant  conditions.  He 
had  also,  whether  properly  or  improperly, 
always  entertained  a  sort  of  feeling  that 
everybody  in  the  land  was  on  an  equality 
with  everybody  else.  How  could  he  con 
sistently  place  himself  on  a  pinnacle  of 
superiority  now  without  appearing  in  the 
guise  of  a  hypocrite?  Why  had  his  su 
periority  been  kept  from  him  all  these 
years?  Then,  too,  if  he  displayed  a  coat- 
of-arms  so  different  in  design  from  what 
to  his  friends  might  be  considered  ap 
propriate  and  appear  as  a  person  of  su 
perior  distinction,  an  explanation  as  to 
the  cause  of  so  sudden  a  change  of  position 
would  be  incumbent  upon  him;  and  how 
could  he  overcome  the  embarrassment 
which  he  would  feel  while  unbosoming 
the  secret  of  his  supereminence  ?  Yet  to 
be  great  only  to  one's  self  is  conceit;  on 
the  other  hand,  to  apprise  one's  friends  of 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  27 

one's  superiority  would  be  to  inform  them 
of  their  own  inferiority,  and  this  would  be 
equally  embarrassing  to  all  concerned. 

Thus  Columbiason  argued  with  himself 
as  he  paced  to  and  fro  along  the  mag 
nificent  corridors  of  his  more  than  magnifi 
cent  palace,  in  an  attitude  of  consequential 
puffiness,  as  it  were,  and  felt  more  and 
more  his  greatness  coming  over  him. 
Finally,  he  arrived  at  the  conclusion  that 
he  might  permit  it  to  become  known  to 
his  friends  that  his  friendly  feelings  had 
in  no  wise  become  lessened  by  the  knowl 
edge  of  his  fitness  to  fill  the  shoes  of  his 
ancient  ancestors  and  the  consequent 
exhibition  of  the  armorial  ensigns  to  which 
those  antiquated  relatives  were  uncon 
scious  contributors;  but  in  so  doing,  he 
could  not  help  feeling  that  this  knowledge 
might  lead  to  a  sort  of  altitudinarianism, 
bordering  possibly  on  the  majestic,  that 
would  naturally  warrant  a  more  ostenta 
tious  display  of  magnificence  than  had 
formerly  been  his  habit.  He  hoped,  of 
course,  that  they  would  appreciate  this 
little  difference  between  them  and  him 
self  and  bear  with  fortitude  any  possible 
disappointment  they  might  feel  at  any 


28  HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

inability  on  their  part  to  ascend  to  the 
state  of  transcendental  superlativeness  in 
which  he  had  found  himself  through  the 
disclosure  of  the  ancient  knight. 

After  arriving  at  this  conclusion,  Co- 
lumbiason  resolved  to  fit  out  an  expedi 
tion,  to  be  led  by  himself  personally,  and 
to  go  in  search  of  the  ashes  of  his  ancestors. 
This,  of  course,  he  could  not  well  do  until 
he  had  brought  the  matter  to  the  attention 
of  his  life-long  companion,  Madam  Colum- 
biana,  from  whom,  so  far,  he  had  kept  all 
information  regarding  the  ancient  knight's 
reflection  on  the  lake  and  his  own  good 
fortune,  in  which  he  now  felt  it  time  for 
her  to  share.  He  knew  that  Madam 
Columbiana  would  approve  his  plans  and 
co-operate  with  him  fully  in  the  perform 
ance  of  any  act  necessary  to  perfect  them. 
He  therefore  directed  his  steps  to  the 
library,  and  on  entering  that  precinct  of 
knowledge  seated  himself  at  a  handsomely 
carved  ebony  table,  summoned  an  at 
tendant,  by  the  touch  of  an  electric  button, 
and  instructed  him  to  request  the  madam 
to  make  it  convenient  to  appear  at  the 
library  with  as  little  delay  as  possible,  to 
meet  him  on  matters  of  great  importance. 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  29 

After  a  little  time  the  handsome  por 
tieres  of  the  main  entrance  to  the  library 
were  pushed  aside  hurriedly  by  two  deli 
cate  hands  and  between  them  stood 
Madam  Columbiana,  rather  a  matronly 
looking  woman,  with  regular  features  and 
a  head  of  hair  slightly  tinged  with  gray, 
dressed  a  la  pompadour  and  exhibiting  a 
forehead  of  an  intellectual  cast,  surmount 
ing  a  face  kindly  and  withal  pleasing 
to  look  upon.  Her  dress  was  plain — a 
dark  blue  skirt  and  a  bodice  of  red  and 
white  material,  neatly  made  but  without 
any  gaudiness.  There  she  stood  between 
the  portieres,  unnoticed  and  gazing  at  the 
head  of  the  house  of  Columbiason,  who 
was  still  seated  at  the  library  table  deeply 
engaged  in  thought,  which  was  suddenly 
arrested  by  the  clear  musical  voice  of  his 
wife,  who  said:  "Well,  my  dear,  here  I 
am!" 

Columbiason,  startled  from  his  reverie, 
looked  up  suddenly,  and  beholding  his 
wife,  manifested  no  little  uneasiness  at 
the  sudden  interruption  of  his  thought. 
"Why,"  he  said,  "I  did  not  expect  you 
unannounced,  and  your  sudden  appearance 
somewhat  disconcerted  my  train  of  thought. 


30  HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

"Are  you  not  well,  my  dear?"  in 
quired  the  madam. 

"  Oh  yes,  quite  well.  Why  do  you  ask?" 
replied  Columbiason. 

"This  is  the  first  time  during  all  our 
married  life,"  replied  his  wife,  "that  it 
has  been  thought  necessary  for  me  to  be 
announced  before  entering  the  presence 
of  my  own  husband,  in  our  own  home; 
and  I  thought,  dear,  that  possibly  the 
press  of  business  upon  your  mind  had 
slightly  affected  your  reason.  You  know, 
dear,  that  when  a  man  reaches  the  prime 
of  life  he  must  exercise  more  care  in  every 
thing  than  when  of  a  youthful  age.  Be 
sides,  dear,  you  know  you  sent  for  me, 
and  surely  it  should  not  be  necessary  for 
me  to  be  announced  to  you  on  such  an 
occasion." 

"You  doubtless  think  so,"  responded 
Columbiason,  apparently  not  having  re 
covered  from  his  vexation;  "but,"  he 
continued,  "  I  do  not  think  we  have  been 
pursuing  the  proper  course.  I  think  pro 
priety  requires  now,  especially,  that  you 
should  be  announced  on  all  occasions; 
and,  if  you  will  pardon  me,  I  think  it 
scarcely  proper  to  appear  attired  in  such 


HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY  31 

old-fashioned  wearing  apparel  as  that 
which  you  have  on." 

' '  Old  -  fashioned ! ' '  exclaimed  Madam 
Columbiana,  in  a  spirit  of  apparent  in 
dignation.  "Why,  goodness  gracious!" 
she  continued,  "  I  never  heard  you  com 
plain  before  of  red,  white  and  blue.  I 
have  always  thought  it  charming  and 
becoming ! ' ' 

"  So  it  was  once,  but  times  have  changed! 
Everything  has  changed!  I  have  changed; 
you  have  changed;  and  you  can't  expect 
to  wear  that  color  forever,"  replied  Colum- 
biason. 

'Yes,  forever  and  forever;  so  long  as  it 
is  becoming,  why  not?"  responded  the 
madam. 

"Well,  I  think  you  have  outgrown  it; 
but  we  won't  discuss  that  now,  I  have 
something  more  important  than  the  red, 
white  and  blue  to  talk  about,  and  which 
I  am  sure  will  interest  if  not  surprise  you," 
said  Columbiason,  as  he  arose  and  offered 
the  madam  a  chair  by  his  side. 

He  then  unfolded  to  his  wife  the  details 
of  the  knight's  reflection  on  the  lake,  re 
lating  the  manner  in  which  the  knight 
appeared  to  him  and  how  the  voice  ap- 


32  HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

peared  to  speak  to  him.  He  related  also 
the  substance  of  his  communication  to  the 
heraldic  college,  as  well  as  the  substance 
of  the  reply  received  therefrom,  to  all  of 
which  the  madam  listened  with  the  great 
est  interest,  without  venturing  to  say 
more  than  a  mere  "Yes  "  occasionally. 

Finally,  Columbiason  exhibited  the 
original  design  which  had  been  enclosed  to 
him  in  the  letter  from  the  said  college. 
The  madam  examined  it  carefully,  as  she 
listened  to  his  objections  to  it  and  to  his 
opinion  as  to  what  he  thought  himself  en 
titled  in  the  way  of  a  crest,  in  view  of  the 
importance  of  his  position.  At  last  Co 
lumbiason  brought  forth  a  large  portfolio- 
like  object,  from  which  he  took  his  own 
design  of  the  armorial  ensigns  to  which  he 
felt  himself  entitled,  and  asked  his  wife's 
opinion  of  it. 

Madam  Columbiana  examined,  first  the 
goose,  then  the  lion's  head,  and  then  the 
goose  and  then  the  lion's  head,  every  time 
she  looked  at  the  goose,  turning  her  head 
to  glance  at  her  liege  lord.  She  then  ob 
served  that  she  didn't  know  anything 
about  such  things ;  and  she  took  the  liberty 
to  inquire  which  one  he  was  supposed  to 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  33 

resemble?  Columbiason  appeared  consid 
erably  annoyed  at  the  question  and  re 
plied  that  it  was  not  a  question  of  re 
semblance;  that  it  was  a  question  of  his 
title.  The  madam  replied  that  she  didn't 
think  it  necessary  for  him  to  get  his  title 
from  abroad,  and  she  didn't  see  any  use 
for  ancestors  if  a  goose  on  a  lion's  head 
was  all  one  was  entitled  to  from  them; 
that,  in  fact,  she  didn't  see  any  earthly 
good  in  it  anyway. 

Columbiason  reminded  his  wife  that  it 
was  not  the  thing  itself  but  the  power  be 
hind  it  that  carried  weight.  This  seemed 
to  astonish  the  madam,  who  held  the  de 
sign  in  front  of  her  husband  and  remarked, 
that  the  only  power  she  saw  behind  it  was 
himself  and  that  was,  she  thought,  all  the 
power  he  required. 

Columbiason  seemed  at  his  wit's  end 
how  to  convey  to  his  wife  the  importance 
of  a  foreign  coat-of-arms  and  to  explain 
its  real  object.  Finally,  he  observed  that 
it  was  the  power  which  the  people  thought 
or  imagined  was  behind  it  that  elevated 
the  rightful  possessor  of  it  in  their  esti 
mation  and  imparted  to  such  possessor  a, 


34  HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

sense  of  his  own  importance  and  superi 
ority. 

Madame  Columbiana  shook  her  head 
and  replied  that  she  was  afraid  she  was 
not  of  the  imaginative  kind;  that  even  if 
she  were,  she  could  not  understand  how 
power,  only  in  imagination,  could  be 
power,  any  more  than  a  mere  sense  of 
one's  superiority  could  make  him  superior; 
that  if  it  could  do  so,  she  could  not  help 
wondering  what  would  become  of  his  su 
periority  if  he  lost  his  senses.  She  then 
took  occasion  to  remark  that  she  was  only 
a  "Colonial  Dame,"  and  a  "Daughter  of 
the  Revolution,"  but  she  had  more  power 
than  any  armorial  ensign  from  the  grave 
of  an  ancient  ancestor. 

Columbiason  replied,  in  a  spirit  of  some 
little  agitation,  that  those  modern  Ameri 
can  excrescences,  as  he  called  them,  were 
without  prestige,  save  in  their  own  coun 
try;  that  they  could  not  bestow  on  their 
members  armorial  ensigns  of  any  kind; 
that  their  origin  was  too  recent  to  permit 
the  affiliation  of  their  members  with  an 
cient  ancestry,  and  that  the  beautiful  an 
tiquity  was  to  them,  therefore,  abso 
lutely  a  thing  of  the  past — a  thing  beyond 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  35 

their  comprehension,  without  form  and 
void;  that  antiquity  would  not  recognize 
them  or  contribute  to  their  support. 

This,  of  course,  Madam  Columbiana 
was  forced  to  admit,  and  Columbiason 
felt  that  he  had  gained  a  point.  He, 
therefore,  began  to  take  her  more  fully 
into  his  confidence  and  disclosed  to  her 
his  intention  to  seek  the  ashes  of  his  an 
cestors.  His  wife,  after  listening  to  his 
plans,  began  to  appreciate  the  situation 
and  to  enter  into  them.  Just  why,  she 
did  not  know.  Columbiason  had,  how 
ever,  evidently  made  an  impression  on 
her  mind;  for  she  began  to  act  toward 
him  in  a  spirit  of  greater  deference  than 
formerly,  as  well,  also,  as  to  feel  her  own 
importance  as  a  part  of  his  household. 
She  asked  him  the  nature  of  his  ancestor's 
ashes — whether  red,  white  and  blue,  or 
inky  black,  and  what  she  could  do  for 
them  on  their  arrival,  together  with  many 
other  questions  of  a  similar  nature,  which 
led  him  to  feel  that  she  was  as  ignorant 
of  the  value  of  his  ancestral  ashes  as  she 
was  of  the  importance  of  the  ancient  coat- 
of-arms;  but  he  appreciated  the  value  of 
her  services  as  an  aid  to  the  furtherance  of 


36  HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

his  cause,  and  her  ability  to  lend  dignity 
to  all  of  his  efforts  by  becoming  conduct; 
and  after  obtaining  her  consent  to  abandon 
the  combination  of  red,  white  and  blue 
colors  for  those  which  he  thought  more 
suitable  to  the  occasions  in  which  she 
would,  later,  be  obliged  to  figure,  as  the 
wife  of  one  so  elevated  as  he  was  destined 
to  become,  Columbiason  and  Madam  Co- 
lumbiana  parted  in  a  state  of  harmony 
and  with  a  mutual  understanding  as  to 
the  rights  and  duties  of  each,  in  a  matter 
so  promising  as  the  future  supereminence 
of  the  head  of  the  House  of  Columbiason. 


CHAPTER  III 

THE    ANGLOPHOBIC    FLAME 

Columbiason,  elated  with  his  success  in 
securing  the  co-operation  of  Madam  Co- 
lumbiana,  and  assured  of  his  English  an 
cestry  and  of  his  right  to  a  coat-of-arms 
under  such  descent,  began  to  feel  quite 
English  -  like.  He  therefore  deemed  it 
fitting  and  proper  to  do  eveything  possi 
ble  after  the  English  fashion,  which  he  and 
his  household  aped  to  perfection;  and 
finally  he  felt  he  was  ready  to  prepare 
for  the  great  effort  of  his  life — the  dis 
covery  of  the  ashes  of  his  ancestors! 

The  "British  Lion" —the  handsomest 
and  most  formidable  of  Columbiason 's 
yachts,  had,  therefore,  been  ordered  to  be 
made  ready  for  the  voyage  to  "Spurn 
Head."  The  choicest  provisions  and 
wines  were  provided  for  the  occasion  and 
were  being  stowed  away  in  proper  fashion 
under  the  direction  of  the  English  com- 


38  HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

mander,  whom  it  was  thought  proper 
and  fitting  to  designate  as  "Admiral," 
and  under  the  supervision  of  his  subordi 
nates.  In  the  mean  time,  it  occurred  to 
Columbiason  that  there  should  be  arranged 
a  suitable  reception  for  the  ashes  of  his 
ancestors  on  their  arrival  from  the  dis 
tant  foreign  shore;  but  being  unfamiliar 
with  receptions  of  antiquated  material,  he 
felt  constrained  to  seek  information  from  a 
certain  Count  "Do  Little,"  whom  he  had 
imported  from  the  British  Isles  and  made 
a  part  of  his  household  furniture. 

The  only  duty  the  "Count"  had  for 
merly  performed  was  to  occasionally  show 
himself,  more  especially  to  elderly  women, 
to  let  them  know  that  he  formed  a  part 
of  the  Columbiason  household.  It  was 
deemed  inadvisable  to  permit  him  to  ap 
pear  before  young  and  middle  -  aged 
women,  lest  he  should  become  an  attrac 
tion  to  them  and  be  lost  to  the  household— 
which  would  have  been  an  irretrievable 
loss  indeed,  in  view  of  his  knowledge  of 
matters  of  precedence  and  other  matters 
in  connection  with  English  customs,  on 
which  subject  Columbiason  felt  the  neces 
sity  of  enlightenment. 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  39 

It  was  seldom  necessary  to  consult  with 
the  "Count,"  but  when  it  was  deemed 
necessary  to  do  so,  a  sort  of  special  em 
bassy  was  sent  to  his  quarters  to  convey 
him  to  the  presence  of  the  head  of  the 
house  of  Columbiason,  where  he  would 
remain  until  the  conference  was  ended, 
and  would  then  return,  in  like  manner,  to 
his  apartments — a  perfect  lap  of  luxury, 
in  one  sense,  yet  in  another  sense  a  cage, 
from  which  he  was  seldom  taken  except 
for  exhibition. 

When  the  question  of  the  aforesaid  re 
ception  presented  itself  to  the  mind  of  the 
son  of  Columbia,  the  special  embassy, 
consisting  of  two  lackey-like  individuals, 
capable  of  doing  the  knee-bending  act  to 
perfection,  were  summoned  to  the  august 
presence  of  Columbiason  and  instructed 
to  convey  or  escort  the  do-little  Count  to 
the  library,  for  a  conference  on  a  matter 
of  great  importance. 

Count  Do  Little  might  with  equal  pro 
priety  have  been  named  "Do  Nothing"; 
for  the  retinue  of  servants  attending  upon 
that  dignitary  performed  most  of  the 
duties  devolving  upon  him.  Had  that 
not  been  the  case,  he  would  have  kept 


40  HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

Columbiason  waiting  all  day,  or,  more 
likely,  have  made  it  necessary  for  that 
personage  to  call  upon  him  in  person.  As 
it  was,  he  did  not  appear  at  the  library 
until  after  the  lapse  of  a  considerable 
time,  during  which  Columbiason  was  kept 
in  suspense  and  anxiety.  At  last  the  two 
lackey-like  individuals  returned,  backing 
themselves  into  the  library,  with  many 
bows  to  "His  Dignity"  (as  the  Count,  who 
followed  close  upon  their  toes,  was  some 
times  called).  The  lackeys  then  separated, 
one  passing  to  the  right,  and  the  other  to 
the  left  of  the  Count;  and,  folding  their 
arms,  they  made  their  exit,  side  by  side, 
leaving  "His  Dignity"  in  the  presence  of 
Columbiason. 

"Ah,"  ejaculated  Columbiason,  on  per 
ceiving  the  Count.  "  Your  Dignity  is  just 
in  time;  I  desire  to  consult  with  you  on 
the  method  proper  to  pursue  on  the  recep 
tion  in  my  country  of  the  ashes  of  my  an 
cestors!  What  is  the  custom  among  Eng 
lishmen  on  occasions  of  that  nature,  if  you 
please  ? ' ' 

Now,  Count  Do  Little  was  supposed  to 
be  well  posted  on  matters  of  every  nature 
pertaining  to  customs  of  English  Royalty, 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  41 

but  here,  a  question  had  arisen  on  which 
he  had  had  no  enlightenment  whatever; 
yet,  from  the  high  position  which  Colum- 
biason  had  attained,  the  Count  at  once 
concluded  that  there  must  have  been 
a  custom  among  Englishmen  of  which  he 
had  inadvertently  permitted  himself  to 
remain  ignorant,  or  it  would  not  have  been 
referred  to  by  his  benefactor;  and  not 
wishing  to  jeopardize  his  standing  as  an 
exponent  of  English  ways  and  customs, 
he  replied:  "  Weally,  my  lord,  it  has  been  a 
long  time  since  an  Englishman  gave  a 
formal  reception  to  the  ashes  of  his  an 
cestors,  don  cher  know.  The  last  recep 
tion  of  that  nature  must  have  taken  place, 
don  cher  know,  long  before  the  invention 
of  printing,  if  at  all;  and  all  the  scribes 
must  have  become  exhausted,  don  cher 
know,  trying  to  get  the  thing  down,  for 
there  seems  to  be  no  record  of  the  cere 
mony;  but  my  knowledge  of  English  cus 
toms  will  enable  me  to  properly  instruct  a 
master  of  ceremonies  in  the  necessary 
duties  of  such  an  occasion,  don  cher  know." 
"A  great  man!"  exclaimed  Columbia- 
son.  'Your  Dignity  believes,  then,  that, 
with  the  aid  of  the  printing  press  and  the 


42  HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

phonographic  art,  together  with  the  other 
modern  improvements,  such  a  reception 
could  be  satisfactorily  recorded  in  this  age  ?" 

"Undoubtedly,  don  cher  know,"  re 
plied  the  Count.  "But,"  he  continued, 
"although  the  record  may  be  modern,  don 
cher  know,  the  custom  and  the  rules  of 
precedence  should  be  after  the  antiquated 
methods,  and  the  ceremony  should  be  ob 
served  with  as  much  pomp  as  ancient 
methods  would  require,  don  cher  know; 
for  a  dead  ancestor  is  much  more  im 
portant  these  days  than  a  live  one,  don 
cher  know." 

"Exactly;  but  as  to  these  rules  of  prec 
edence;  while  I  never  studied  rules  of 
that  kind,  I  suppose  I  can  learn  them," 
responded  Columbiason. 

"Oh  dear,  yes;  but  there  is  no  use  of 
such  rules  unless  you  have  the,  pardon 
me — the  things — the  quality,  don  cher 
know, — the  important  people  to  observe 
them,"  ejaculated  the  Count. 

"  Am  I  not  of  sufficient  importance  to  be 
able  to  observe  the  rules  of  precedence?5' 
inquired  Columbiason. 

"A,  yes,  but,  pardon  me — there,  there 
is  not  enough  of  you — pardon  me,  don 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  43 

cher  know,  but  in  a  republic,  every  man  is 
a  rule  unto  himself,  don  cher  know — not 
so  in  a  monarchy, ' '  replied  the  Count. 

"Who  is  more  important  than  I?" 
asked  Columbiason. 

"  Oh  dear,  pardon  me,  your  lordship,  a, 
but,  a " 

"Go  on!  That  sounds  all  right,"  in 
terrupted  Columbiason. 

"Well,"  continued  the  Count.  "Pardon 
me,  but  it  will  be  necessary  for  you  to  have 
a  master  of  the  rolls,  a  knight  of  the  garter, 
a  keeper  of  the  seal;  and  you  should  have 
also  a  comptroller  of  the  household,  a 
treasurer  of  the  household,  a  master  of 
the  horse,  a  knight  commander  of  the  bath, 
an  equerry  and  an  extra  equerry  to  your 
lordship — a,  pardon  me — to— 

"Go  ahead,   Count!     That's  all  right- 
I  am  getting  interested,"  interrupted  Co 
lumbiason  again. 

"  And,  a,  gentlemen  ushers  to — to  your 
lordship — your  lordship,"  continued  the 
Count.  "And,"  he  went  on,  "your  lordship 
is  familiar,  of  course,  with  the  duties  of 
these  distinguished  persons  ? ' ' 

"Quite  right,"  replied  Columbiason,  not 
wishing  to  expose  his  ignorance  of  matters 


44  HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

so  apparently  trivial;  "but,"  he  continued, 
"  I  will  also  talk  the  matter  over  with 
Madam  Columbiana,  whose  ideas  of  such 
matters  are  always  valuable  and  sugges 
tive." 

The  son  of  Columbia  then  took  occasion 
to  express  to  the  Count  his  gratification  at 
the  knowledge  of  which  he  had  become 
possessed  and  at  the  masterly  manner  in 
which  the  Count  had  handled  a  subject  so 
foreign  to  his  own  former  understanding. 
After  having  thus  expressed  himself,  he 
touched  a  button,  whereupon  the  two 
lackey-like  individuals  reappeared,  and 
in  the  same  manner  as  they  ushered  "  His 
Dignity"  into  the  library  those  necessary 
adjuncts  of  the  Columbiason  household 
scraped  and  bowed  him  out  of  that  recep 
tacle  of  knowledge  and  back  to  his  own 
quarters. 

Soon  after  the  Count  had  made  his  exit 
from  the  presence  of  Columbiason,  Madam 
Columbiana  was  announced,  and  in  like 
manner  as  the  Count  had  entered  the  li 
brary  was  ushered  into  the  presence  of 
her  liege  lord  by  the  aforesaid  lackeys. 

The  Madam  was  more  gorgeously  at 
tired  than  on  the  occasion  of  her  last  in- 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  45 

terview  with  her  husband  at  the  same 
place,  and  the  red,  white  and  blue  colors, 
to  which  he  had  objected,  were  absent. 

Columbiason  related  to  his  wife  the  sub 
stance  of  the  information  received  from 
the  Count  and  read  to  her  a  memorandum 
which  he  had  made  of  the  various  "  crea 
tions"  necessary  to  make  the  rules  of  pre 
cedence  effective. 

It  was  agreed  between  these  heads  of 
the  Columbiason  household  that  the  duties 
of  the  treasurer  and  comptroller  were  well 
understood,  and  they  decided  upon  the 
appointees  to  those  positions  without  dif 
ficulty.  The  master  of  the  horse  was  not 
quite  so  easy  a  matter  for  their  decision, 
but  it  was  finally  decided  to  change  the 
name  of  the  groom  to  the  master  of  that 
noble  animal.  As  to  the  knight  of  the 
garter,  they  agreed  that,  although  garters 
were  not  as  fashionable  as  they  were  at 
one  time,  they  could  see  no  reason  why 
there  should  not  be  a  knight  to  supply 
them,  as  long  as  the  laws  of  England  re 
quired  it. 

When  it  came  to  the  master  of  the  rolls. 
Madam  Columbiana  settled  what  might 
have  proved  a  difficult  problem,  by  saying 


46  HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

that,  while  for  herself  she  preferred  bread, 
she  never  had  had  any  objection  to  rolls, 
provided  they  were  well  baked,  and  that 
was  where  a  master  would  come  in.  It 
was  thereupon  agreed  that  the  office  of 
master  of  the  rolls  should  be  created,  but 
Columbiason  sacrificed  his  dignity  suffi 
ciently  to  allow  the  appointment  of  that 
master  to  be  made  by  his  wife,  abso 
lutely. 

The  matter  of  keeper  of  the  seal  puzzled 
both  of  the  heads  of  the  house  of  Colum 
biason  and  was  the  cause  of  some  little 
discussion  between  them,  Columbiason  ar 
guing  that,  in  the  first  place,  they  had  no 
seal,  and  in  the  second  place,  he  could  see 
no  necessity  for  the  appointment  of  a 
special  keeper  of  it,  even  if  they  had  one. 
Madam  Columbiana  suggested,  however, 
the  propriety  of  obtaining  a  seal,  even  if 
necessity  required  sending  to  the  North 
Pole  for  it,  as  long  as  the  Count  had  urged 
the  importance  of  a  keeper  of  that  animal 
in  the  line  of  precedency;  and  she  saw  no 
reason  why  the  seal  could  not  be  obtained 
by  the  time  her  liege  lord  returned  from 
England  with  the  ashes  of  his  ancestors. 
The  madam  had  proven  herself  as  valuable 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  47 

an  assistant  in  the  seal  problem  as  she  had 
in  the  matter  of  the  master  of  the  rolls; 
and  it  was  finally  decided  to  start  a 
search  for  one  of  those  fur-lined  attach 
ments  to  the  Columbiason  household,  and 
to  secure  him  at  any  price.  The  appoint 
ment  of  a  keeper  of  the  animal  was  a  matter 
which  they  concluded  to  leave  until  its 
arrival. 

When  the  knight -commander  of  the 
bath  was  reached  on  the  list,  Madam  Co- 
lumbiana  could  not  refrain  from  expressing 
her  astonishment  at  the  necessity  for  a 
night  commander  and  no  day  commander 
of  that  ablutionary  institution.  It  seemed 
to  her  incredible  that  all  Englishmen 
should  bathe  only  at  night.  Columbia- 
son  suggested,  however,  that  the  night- 
bathing  commandery  might  be  due  to  the 
fact  that  the  fogs  were  very  heavy  in 
that  country  and  the  inhabitants  doubt 
less  suffered  sufficiently  from  moisture 
during  the  daytime  and  declined  to  in 
dulge  in  nocturnal  ablutions;  hence  the 
necessity  for  a  commander  to  command 
and  force  obedience  to  the  sanitary  laws 
prevailing  in  the  country.  At  any  rate, 
it  was  evident  from  what  the  Count  had 


48  HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

stated,  that  English  people  bathed  at  night 
and  had  bath  commanders  when  they 
indulged  in  that  luxury;  and  he  thought 
it  best,  therefore,  to  obey  the  Count's  in 
junctions  by  creating  the  office  and  making 
the  appointment.  An  appointee  was  ac 
cordingly  agreed  upon. 

The  question  of  the  appointment  of  an 
equerry  and  an  extra  equerry,  was  prob 
lematical  indeed.  The  heads  of  the  house 
of  Columbiason  did  not  know  whether  the 
Count  meant  a  stable  for  horses,  or  an  officer 
of  nobles  or  princes,  charged  with  the  care 
and  management  of  their  horses.  If  the 
latter,  Columbiason  suggested  that  it 
would  first  be  necessary  to  secure  the 
nobles  and  princes,  and  that  might  prove 
more  difficult  than  the  securing  of  a  seal. 

Madam  Columbiana  won  for  herself  a 
higher  place  in  the  heart  of  her  liege  lord 
by  assuring  him  that  the  securing  of  nobles 
would  be  the  easiest  problem  to  be  solved 
by  their  united  efforts,  and  suggesting 
that,  as  the  Count  had  already  honored 
him  by  addressing  him  as  "lord,"  it  might 
not  be  inappropriate  for  him  to  apply  to 
his  Majesty,  the  King  of  England,  for  the 
full-fledged  title,  so  that,  when  he  returned 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY  49 

to  his  native  land  with  the  ashes  of  his  an 
cestors,  he  would  not  only  be  on  an  equality 
with  those  ashes,  but  the  equerry  would 
indeed  be  the  equerry  to  "  His  Lordship.'* 

This  suggestion  was  in  accord  with  his 
own  thought  and  appealed  so  overwhelm 
ingly  to  his  sense  of  propriety  that,  for 
the  moment,  he  became  oblivious  of  all 
forms  appertaining  to  his  dignity,  and 
actually  embraced  his  wife  without  an 
nouncement,  as  he  gave  vent  to  open  ex 
pressions  of  gratitude  at  the  manifestation 
of  so  large  a  vloume  of  semi-original  thought 
on  her  part.  This  seemed  to  suggest  to  him 
a  new  idea,  which  he  regarded  of  great  im 
portance.  It  happened  that,  during  their 
early  married  life,  Columbiason  and  his 
faithful  Columbiana  had  gladly  become 
the  guardians  of  an  infant  child — a  little 
girl  of  surpassing  beauty.  This  child  had 
developed  into  maidenhood  and  was  much 
adored,  not  only  on  account  of  her  con 
stantly  increasing  beauty,  but  for  her  many 
virtues:  indeed,  wherever  the  maiden  ap 
peared  she  was  almost  worshipped  by  her 
many  admirers. 

This  beautiful  child  came  to  her  guard 
ians  in  a  manner  peculiar  and  deeply  in- 


50  HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

teresting.  They  were  then  poor  and  had 
much  to  contend  against;  for  the  country 
was  new  in  those  days,  and  pioneer  life 
entailed  upon  them,  not  only  many  hard 
ships,  but  it  was  not  a  little  dangerous  on 
account  of  the  lurking  evils  which  con 
stantly  beset  them. 

In  the  twilight  of  a  certain  evening, 
Columbiason  had  finished  his  daily  duties 
and  had  returned  to  the  modest  little  home 
of  the  twain  to  greet  his  charming  help 
meet,  who,  however  sad  or  down-hearted 
from  the  gloomy  prospects  before  them, 
always  met  her  husband  with  a  cheerful 
smile.  The  air  was  fragrant  with  the  odor 
of  honeysuckles,  whose  vines  climbed  the 
lattice  work  surrounding  the  doorway  to 
the  humble  cottage,  and  also  from  the 
perfume  of  hundreds  of  roses  and  flowers 
which  adorned  the  garden,  made  beautiful 
by  nature  and  by  the  hands  of  the  devoted 
pair. 

Columbiason  greeted  his  wife  with  a  kiss 
arid  returned  her  smiles,  as  he  seated  him 
self  beside  her  on  a  picturesque  little 
porch,  overlooking  the  charming  garden. 
The  two  soon  allowed  their  minds  to  wan 
der  to  their  future  possibilities,  and  natu- 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  51 

rally,  their  faces  betrayed  the  inner  workings 
of  their  souls,  which  were  cast  down  at 
their  inability  to  realize  what  the  morrow 
would  bring  forth. 

Suddenly  there  appeared  in  the  heavens 
an  illumination,  the  like  of  which  they  had 
never  seen — more  brilliant,  it  seemed  to 
them,  than  even  the  rays  of  the  sun  at 
noon-tide,  and  so  dazzling  that,  awe- 
stricken,  they  were  impelled  to  place  their 
hands  before  their  faces  to  shield  their 
eyes  from  its  penetrating  rays. 

The  illumination  gradually  faded  away, 
and  as  they  removed  their  hands  from  their 
faces,  to  their  great  astonishment  they  be 
held,  at  the  place  in  the  sky  from  which 
the  light  had  faded,  a  vision  of  the  beauti 
ful  child.  The  effect  upon  the  devoted 
couple  was  inspiring.  They  arose  to  their 
feet  simultaneously,  their  faces  beam 
ing  with  delight,  and  clutched  with  their 
hands  the  air,  made  purer  by  the  entranc 
ing  light  which  beamed  from  the  face  of  the 
beautiful  child,  of  whom  they  so  eagerly 
desired  to  obtain  possession.  Little  did 
they  dream  that  their  earnest  desire 
would  be  gratified.  It  may  have  been 
due  to  their  very  earnestness,  but  on  re- 


52  HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

gaining  themselves,  their  astonishment 
was  much  greater,  for  they  beheld,  standing 
before  them,  in  all  her  beauty  and  loveli 
ness,  the  very  object  of  their  desire — the 
same  beautiful  child  who  had  appeared  to 
them  in  the  illumined  sky — a  daughter  of 
the  Goddess  of  Liberty!  Such  a  beam  of 
sunshine!  Such  heaven-born  illumination 
following  the  darkest  hour  of  their  despair — 
the  "  darkest  hour  just  before  the  dawn." 

Immediately  the  faces  of  the  united 
pair  beamed  with  smiles  of  joy  and  glad 
ness.  They  felt  that  now  they  had  some 
thing  beyond  themselves  to  live  for,  and 
they  called  the  name  of  the  beautiful 
child  "Liberte,"  because  of  the  sense  of 
freedom  which  they  experienced  from  the 
very  moment  of  her  entry  into  their  home; 
and  they  resolved  to  surround  the  child 
with  every  safeguard  and  ever  to  protect 
her,  even  at  the  risk  of  their  own  lives. 
Then  they  fell  upon  their  knees  and  lifted 
up  their  voices  in  thanks  to  the  Creator  of 
the  universe  for  the  gift  which  had  changed 
their  hearts  from  sadness  to  gladness  and 

joy- 
Trie  test  of  the  fidelity  of  Columbiason 

and  his  helpmeet  to  this  foundling  of  the 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY  53 

sky  soon  came;  for  their  right  to  her  was 
disputed  by  a  tyrant,  not  because  of  her 
beauty  or  her  charms,  but  because  of  his 
hatred  of  her  guardians,  who  had  fled  from 
the  rule  of  his  tyrannical  hand,  and  whom 
he  desired  to  deprive  of  so  lovely  and  pre 
possessing  a  creature.  The  struggle  was 
long  and  severe,  but  the  Great  Divine  Con 
troller  remembered  the  spirit  of  thank 
fulness  in  which  the  guardians  of  the 
beautiful  child  had  lifted  up  their  voices 
to  Him  and  He  heard  their  constant 
prayers  for  the  safety  of  their  charming 
ward;  so  the  tyrant  was  defeated  in  his 
every  attempt  to  obtain  possession  of  the 
child,  who  became  more  and  more  at 
tached  to  her  guardians  and  who  was 
equally  beloved  by  them  in  return. 

Now,  Columbiason  had  beheld  with 
pride  the  growing  beauty  and  charms  of 
this  fair  maiden,  Liberte,  and  had  partic 
ularly  noticed  the  deep  and  lasting  im 
pression  which  they  had  made  upon  a 
certain  young  man  by  the  name  of  "  Amer 
ica,"  who  fairly  idolized  her,  and  whose 
attentions,  it  was  strongly  suspected,  the 
maiden  reciprocated.  He  concluded,  there 
fore,  that  if  the  maiden  were  so  much  be- 


54  HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

loved  by  America,  her  charms  would 
doubtless  inspire  the  admiration  of  one  of 
noble  birth,  on  whom,  in  view  of  the  great 
importance  of  the  Columbiason  house 
hold,  he  began  to  consider  the  practica 
bility  of  bestowing  her  hand;  he  therefore 
resolved  to  bring  the  matter  to  the  atten 
tion  of  Madam  Columbiana,  whose  attach 
ment  for  the  maiden  had  grown  stronger 
and  stronger  as  the  years  passed  by.  To 
her  credit  be  it  said,  the  madam  vehe 
mently  declined  to  entertain  such  a  propo 
sition,  and  took  occasion  to  refer  her  hus 
band  to  the  struggles  of  their  pioneer  days, 
carrying  his  mind  back  to  the  little  garden 
home,  made  so  bright  and  happy  by  the 
light  of  the  sparkling  eyes  and  the  angelic 
features  of  the  "child  of  the  sky,"  as  they 
were  wont  to  call  Liberte,  whose  advent 
into  their  home  had  been  the  means  of 
enabling  them  to  put  to  flight  the  evil 
genius  who  was  striving  to  enslave  and 
hold  in  bondage  their  very  souls. 

Columbiason  tried  to  listen  to  his  wife's 
objections  and  to  her  reference  to  their 
early  struggles,  made  successful  by  the 
inspiration  derived  from,  first  the  vision 
and  then  the  possession  of,  the  beautiful 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  55 

daughter  of  the  goddess,  but  his  mind 
was  so  much  absorbed  in  the  affairs  ap 
pertaining  to  the  preparation  for  the  re 
ception  of  the  ashes  of  his  ancestors,  that  he 
confounded  the  vision  at  the  little  garden 
home  with  the  reflection  of  the  ancient 
knight  on  the  lake;  and  in  his  zeal  to 
enter  the  realm  of  the  ancient  nobility, 
he  quite  forgot  the  incident  of  the  ingress 
of  his  ward  into  the  home  and  hearts  of 
her  guardians. 

He  argued  that  the  necessity  of  the  occa 
sion  warranted  a  change  from  past  methods ; 
that  they  were  about  to  become  identified 
with  the  ancient  nobility,  with  whom 
they  would  naturally  associate  in  future, 
and  it  would  be  impossible  to  give  to 
Liberte  the  care  and  attention  to  which 
she  was  entitled,  and  which  they  had,  so 
far,  given  her,  thus  exposing  her  to  the 
cruel  world,  possibly  causing  her  beauty 
to  fade,  and  placing  her  in  a  position  of 
peril  from  which,  alone,  she  would  be  un 
able  to  extricate  herself,  and  she  would 
perish  from  want  of  care  and  solicitous  at 
tention;  that,  on  the  other  hand,  to  be 
stow  the  hand  of  Liberte  on  some  noble 
man  of  their  choice,  she  would  be  placed 


56  HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

in  a  position  of  equality  with  themselves 
and  they  would  still  be  enabled  to  recog 
nize  her  and  even  to  admire  her. 

Madam  Columbiana  thought  deeply  over 
the  proposition  and  then  inquired  of  her 
husband  what  objection  there  could  be 
to  furthering  the  cause  of  America  in  his 
constant  attentions  to  Liberte,  by  the  be 
stowal  of  her  hand  in  marriage  upon  him. 

This  proposition  met  with  disapproval 
on  the  part  of  Columbiason  on  the  ground 
that  America  was  absolutely  unfamiliar 
with  the  customs  prevailing  among  the 
nobility  of  foreign  lands,  and  his  ways 
and  manners  would  become  obnoxious 
and  bring  upon  him  much  ridicule,  in 
which  not  only  Liberte,  but  even  themselves 
would  be  obliged  to  share,  to  their  detri 
ment  and  loss  of  prestige  among  the  noble 
aristocracy  with  whom  they  were  about  to 
affiliate. 

This  mode  of  reasoning  must  have  ap 
pealed  to  Madam  Columbiana  as  worthy 
of  consideration,  for  she  yielded  to  her 
husband's  wish  and  determined,  with  him, 
to  await  a  favorable  opportunity  to  ally 
Liberte  with  some  ancient  house  of  nobles. 
She  stated,  however,  that  she  considered 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  57 

America  a  perfect  gentleman  and  ad 
mired  him  very  much.  In  this  Columbia- 
son  agreed,  and  replied  that  America  was 
good  enough  in  his  way,  but  he  thought 
their  position  warranted  their  seeking  new 
acquaintances,  less  plebeian  in  their  tastes 
and  requirements.  This  ended  the  dis 
cussion  as  to  Liberte's  welfare. 

The  appointment  of  the  various  officials 
suggested  by  the  Count,  except  a  marshal, 
and  the  attention  to  a  few  other  essentials 
which  "His  Dignity"  was  to  look  after 
for  the  august  reception,  having  been 
duly  considered  and  passed  upon  by  Co- 
lumbiason  and  his  good  wife,  the  electric 
button  was  again  touched  and  the  two 
lackey-like  individuals  made  their  appear 
ance  and  bowed  the  honorable  lady  of  the 
household  from  the  presence  of  her  hus 
band,  who  soon  afterward  made  his  exit 
from  the  library  to  complete  his  arrange 
ments  for  the  voyage  in  search  of  the  ashes 
of  his  ancestors. 


CHAPTER  IV 

THE    VOYAGE 

The  "British  Lion,"  with  its  electrical 
engines  in  full  operation  and  its  sails  set 
to  windward,  moved  rapidly  out  to  sea, 
with  its  fifty  odd  flags  so  rigid  in  the 
breeze  that  on  each  one  could  plainly 
be  seen  the  Columbiason  coat-of-arms — a 
goose  perched  on  the  head  of  a  lion — all 
bound  for  "Spurn  Head,"  where  lay  the 
ashes  of  the  ancestors  of  Columbiason,  who 
stood,  like  a  Napoleon,  on  the  upper  deck  of 
the  warlike  looking  craft,  one  hand  hang 
ing  by  his  side  and  the  other  laid  across 
his  breast  and  holding  a  scroll,  in  which 
was  the  diagram  of  his  coat-of-arms  and 
the  Gallinaceous  name  of  the  ancestors, 
from  whom — or  which — he  had,  according 
to  the  archives  of  the  college  of  heraldry 
descended.  Beside  him  stood  the  enor 
mous  golden  urn,  with  his  coat-of-arms 
thereon  engraved,  and  intended  as  the  re 
ceptacle  of  the  said  ashes;  and  leaning 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  59 

against  the  great  urn  was  a  silver  shovel 
and  a  silver  pick-axe,  intended  for  use  by 
Columbiason  himself,  as  he  had  expressed 
his  determination  to  personally  unearth 
the  ashes  of  his  own  ancestors. 

Thus  stood  the  head  of  the  Columbiason 
arms,  aft  of  his  English  craft,  which  had 
been  launched  in  English  waters,  manned 
by  English  sailors  and  officers  and  directed 
by  an  English  admiral,  as  Columbiason  was 
pleased  to  designate  him.  A  new  world 
had  opened  up  for  exploration  by  "his 
lordship;"  and  as  he  stood  there  in  all  his 
dignity,  he  meditated  upon  the  fact  that 
on  the  land  and  on  the  sea  the  Columbia- 
son  coat-of-arms  proudly  heralded  to  the 
world  his  metamorphosis;  for  his  armorial 
ensigns  were  flying  in  the  breeze  from  his 
mansion,  as  well  as  from  his  craft,  the 
lion's  head  bowing  and  the  goose's  wings 
flopping  a  gentle  au  revoir,  as  the  "  British 
Lion"  with  its  valuable  cargo  sped  on  its 
way  to  the  ash  heaps  of  the  past. 

Proudly  the  Columbiason  floating  pal 
ace  rose  on  the  waves  of  the  Atlantic,  as 
they  ascended  high  in  air  as  if  to  kiss  the 
sky;  and  gently  it  descended  into  the 
watery  valleys  to  rise  and  rise  again; 


60  HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

but  more  proudly  than  his  craft,  or  the 
waves  which  bore  it  aloft,  rose  Columbia- 
son  in  his  own  estimation,  as  he  thought  of 
the  entrancing  effect  of  the  ashes  of  the 
past  on  the  present  generation,  and  ad 
dressing  the  waves,  he  exclaimed:  "Rise 
as  high  as  ye  will,  O  ye  waves!  nor  think 
ye  can  ascend  as  high  as  the  great  head  of 
the  '  Insessores ! '  No  wonder  that  ye  toss 
your  caps  of  milky  whiteness  high  in  air 
at  the  sight  of  so  great  a  personage!  Ye 
are  but  my  slaves!  Bear  me  quickly  to 
the  funeral  pyre  of  mine  ancestors,  that  I 
may  plant  their  ashes  on  mine  own  soil 
and  perpetuate,  to  all  future  generations, 
the  name  of  the  great  order  of  which  I  am 
now  the  recognized  head ! ' ' 

Having  thus  addressed  the  waves  of  the 
sea,  he  directed  one  of  the  officials  of  the 
craft  to  see  that  the  great  urn  was  con 
veyed  to  his  private  cabin;  then  shoulder 
ing  his  pick-axe  and  shovel,  he  strolled 
leisurely  toward  the  entrance  to  the  cabin. 

Dusk  had  been  gradually  showing  its 
grimy  face,  and  suddenly  darkness  seemed 
to  appear  upon  the  face  of  the  deep;  and 
when  Columbiason  arrived  at  the  door  of 
his  cabin,  had  it  not  been  for  the  electric 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY  61 

lights,  which  had  been  turned  on,  he  would 
have  experienced  great  difficulty  in  lo 
cating  the  door-knob.  This  he  grasped 
and  was  about  to  turn,  when  he  noticed, 
as  he  cast  his  eyes  aft  of  the  yacht,  in  the 
direction  of  his  native  land,  a  brightness 
in  the  sky  which  appeared  to  be  coming 
nearer  and  nearer.  This,  in  view  of  the 
great  speed  which  the  "British  Lion"  was 
making,  interested  him  deeply,  and  letting 
go  his  hold  on  the  door-knob,  he  laid  the 
shovel  and  pick  against  the  railing  of  the 
craft  and  walked  hurriedly  aft,  where  he  met 
the  admiral,  who  was  on  his  way  to  the 
pilot-house  to  give  some  instructions  to 
the  pilot,  or  captain,  and  who,  in  the  dark 
ness,  made  himself  known  to  his  superior. 
Columbiason,  addressing  the  admiral,  ex 
claimed,  "  Behold  yon  light  in  the  heavens, 
Admiral !  Why  such  brilliancy  in  this  hour 
of  darkness?" 

"  I  fail  to  behold  a  light,  sir,"  replied  the 
admiral,  in  a  surprised  tone  of  voice. 

Columbiason  could  scarcely  believe  it 
possible  that  the  admiral's  vision  was  so 
defective  as  not  to  be  able  to  distinguish 
a  light  to  him  so  brilliant,  and  which  ap- 


62  HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

peared  to  be  getting  more  and  more  brill 
iant  every  moment. 

"Fail  to  see?"  he  exclaimed,  in  an  as 
tonished  and  inquiring  tone.  "  Why,  Ad 
miral,"  he  continued,  "it  cometh  nearer 
all  the  time — 'tis  almost  upon  us!  See!" 

"I  will  hasten  to  the  pilot-house  and 
get  the  telescope,"  replied  the  admiral, 
hurrying  his  steps  in  that  direction. 

No  sooner  was  Columbiason  alone  than 
the  light  appeared  directly  before  him,  yet 
high  above  his  head,  and  partially  ob 
scured  by  a  cloud,  the  outlining  of  which 
was  illumined  by  the  reflection  of  the  light 
from  behind  it,  somewhat  like  a  cloud  that 
had  crossed  the  face  of  the  setting  sun. 

Columbiason  gazed  intently  at  the  cloud, 
which  was  now  quite  upon  him,  and  was 
about  to  call  to  the  admiral.  As  he  raised 
his  eyes,  however,  the  cloud  appeared  to 
open  or  separate,  the  lining  from  the  brill 
iant  light  behind  it  forming  a  framework, 
in  the  centre  of  which  appeared  a  woman's 
face,  beautiful  to  behold  but  careworn 
and  showing  marks  of  the  greatest  anxiety. 
"Mother!"  cried  Columbiason,  as  he  stag 
gered  against  the  railing  of  the  craft,  only 
to  see  the  cloud  close  over  the  facial  vision 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  63 

and  obscure  it  from  his  view;  and  again 
darkness  was  upon  the  face  of  the  deep. 
In  the  mean  time,  the  admiral  had  arrived 
with  the  telescope,  which  he  leveled  over 
the  railing  of  the  craft  at  the  horizon,  in 
a  vain  attempt  to  discover  the  light  to 
which  Columbiason  had  called  his  atten 
tion;  but  the  light  was  not  for  him  to  see. 
Columbiason  was  leaning  against  the  rail- 
ling,  his  eyes  cast  toward  the  sea,  the  roaring 
waves  of  which  was  the  only  audible  sound, 
save  that  of  the  propellers  and  the  ma 
chinery  of  the  craft,  which  could  scarcely 
be  heard  above  the  din  of  the  ocean's 
rollers. 

"  I  am  unable  to  perceive  any  light  what 
ever,  sir;  nor  even  the  sky  or  the  sea,  sir. 
There  is  nothing  but  darkness,  sir — abso 
lute  darkness,  sir!"  exclaimed  the  admiral, 
removing  the  telescope  from  the  railing. 

"  Quite  right,  Admiral.  I  must  have  been 
dreaming.  I — I  thought  I  beheld  the  face 
of  my  mother ! ' '  replied  Columbiason,  in  a 
state  of  agitation. 

"I  am  glad  it  was  only  a  dream,  sir," 
replied  the  admiral,  as  he  wiped  the  cold 
perspiration  from  his  brow.  "A  bad 
omen,  I  fear,  sir,"  he  continued,  placing 


64  HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

his  telescope  in  its  case.  "We  sea-dogs 
look  out  for  breakers,  sir,  when  we  see  things 
that  we  don't  see,  sir.  Perhaps  if  you  took 
a  little  something  into  your  stomach  you 
would  feel  better.  We  had  better  find 
our  way  to  the  cabin,  sir. ' '  Thus  saying, 
he  took  Columbiason  by  the  arm  and  helped 
him  to  the  cabin  door,  when  the  latter 
thanked  him  and,  again  grasping  the  door 
knob,  entered  his  cabin,  seated  himself  at 
a  small  table  which  stood  in  the  middle  of 
the  room  and  summoned  a  waiter,  from 
whom  he  ordered  a  light  dinner. 

The  dinner  was  brought  in  good  time, 
and  after  partaking  sparingly  of  it,  Colum 
biason  retired  to  his  berth  to  try  and 
forget,  in  quiet  repose,  the  incident  which 
had  stirred  his  soul  to  something  like  a 
momentary  conscious  regret  that  he  had 
undertaken  the  expedition.  Soon  he  was 
in  the  arms  of  Morpheus,  apparently  as ' 
unconscious  as  the  ashes  of  his  ancestors. 
Thus  passed  the  first  day  of  his  voyage 
toward  the  goal  of  his  ambition. 


CHAPTER  V 

THE    STRUGGLE    FOR    PRECEDENCY 

Madam  Columbiana,  through  the  good 
offices  of  Count  Do  Little,  had,  immediately 
on  the  departure  of  the  "British  Lion" 
with  her  liege  lord,  become  unusually 
active  in  aiding  the  preparations  for  the 
coming  great  reception.  The  seal  had 
been  more  easily  obtained  than  had  been 
expected,  much  to  her  delight;  and  the 
installation  of  its  keeper  in  the  duties 
which  were  to  devolve  upon  him  was  a 
mere  matter  of  detail,  which  was  readily 
accomplished. 

The  master  of  the  rolls  was  given  his 
authority  to  look  after  the  baking  of  that 
dainty  cereal  compound  and  instructed  to 
see  that  they  were  done  to  the  taste  of  the 
honored  guests. 

The  knight  of  the  garter  was  instructed 
to  keep  himself  well  supplied  with  that 
henceforth  necessary  article  of  wearing 
apparel  and  to  furnish,  when  called  upon 


66  HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

to  do  so,  as  many  thereof  as  might  be  re 
quired.  The  appointment  of  this  worthy 
dignitary  suggested  to  Madam  Columbiana 
the  creation  of  another  titled  dignitary  in 
the  person  of  the  "  Master  of  the  Knee 
Breeches,"  which  article,  the  Count  had 
informed  her,  should  henceforth  and  for 
ever  constitute  an  important  part  of  the 
make-up  of  the  male  creation.  The  ap 
pointee  was,  therefore,  selected  and  in 
structed  to  secure,  through,  such  assistants 
as  he  might  deem  necessary  to  employ, 
the  measurements  for  knee  breeches,  etc., 
of  such  of  the  male  inhabitants  of  the 
country  as  might  be  fortunate  enough  to 
be  honored  with  an  invitation  to  partici 
pate  in  the  reception.  There  was  a  special 
injunction  to  that  "Master,"  however, 
against  making  any  breeches  of  red,  white 
and  blue. 

In  accordance  with  the  understanding 
had  with  Columbiason,  the  groom  was  dig 
nified  by  being  promoted  to  "Master  of 
the  Horse,"  and  was  instructed  to  master 
that  animal  after  the  manner  in  which 
it  was  managed  by  the  coachman,  but 
with  more  dignity  and  authority;  and  he 
was  given  the  extra  authority  to  employ 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  67 

such    assistants    or    adjutant    masters    as 
might  be  necessary  to  support  his  dignity. 

The  head  butler  was  promptly  promoted 
to  the  position  of  "Comptroller  of  the 
Household,"  also  with  power  to  employ 
his  own  assistants. 

The  "  Mistress  of  the  Robes  "  was  Madam 
Columbiana's  own  special  appointment, 
and  the  appointee  was  instructed  by  her 
self  as  to  the  nature  of  the  robes  and  when 
to  supply  the  demand  therefor. 

Then  came  the  pursuivants  and  the  ex 
tra  pursuivants,  whose  appointments  were 
suggested  by  the  Count. 

Knights-bachelors  and  companions  of 
the  bath  also  occupied  conspicuous  places 
on  the  list  of  distinguished  creations  who 
were  to  participate  in  the  great  reception. 
A  marshal  and  a  master  of  ceremonies 
were,  of  course,  necessary  adjuncts  to  the 
important  roll  of  dignitaries,  and  they 
were  appointed  in  good  time  to  took  after 
the  important  matters  relating  to  their 
distinguished  offices. 

Then  came  the  matter  of  the  appointment 
of  a  reception  committee  to  receive  the 
ashes  of  the  ancestors  of  the  distinguished 
head  of  the  house  of  Columbiason.  The 


68  HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

selection  of  appointees  to  compose  this 
august  body  was  fraught  with  much  diffi 
culty  and  was  the  cause  of  no  little  commo 
tion,  which  might  have  led  to  a  positive 
disturbance  and  to  the  countermanding 
of  all  plans  for  the  reception,  to  the  great 
embarrassment  of  both  the  madam  and 
the  Count. 

The  committee  was  to  consist  of  one 
hundred  members  and  only  of  persons 
who  could,  beyond  the  peradventure  of  a 
doubt,  trace  their  ancestry  back  at  least 
one  hundred  and  fifty  years.  In  the  haste 
to  complete  the  preparations  for  the  recep 
tion,  however,  a  little  matter  of  the  defini 
tion  of  "  ancestry "  had  been  overlooked, 
and  a  clash  between  the  advocates  of  do 
mestic  and  foreign  ancestry  unfortunately 
resulted. 

It  happened  that  what  were  familiarly 
known  in  those  days  as  "Colonial  Dames" 
and  the  "  Daughters  and  Sons  of  the  Revo 
lution'' — a  certain  revolt  that  took  place 
way  back  in  the  i8th  century  and  of  which, 
it  is  believed,  a  history  is  somewhere  ex 
tant,  although  long  since  forgotten — had 
been  appointed  on  the  distinguished  com 
mittee.  These  ladies  and  gentlemen  ex- 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY  69 

perienced  no  difficulty  in  tracing  their  an 
cestry  back  the  required  time,  but  so  often 
and,  indeed,  so  openly  did  they  pride  them 
selves  on  their  ancestry,  that  their  action 
appears  to  have  invited  criticism  and,  it 
is  to  be  regretted,  actual  jealousy,  on  the 
part  of  the  members  of  the  committee,  who 
equally  prided  themselves  on  their  foreign 
ancestry;  and  that  spirit  of  antagonism 
led  the  latter  distinguished  personages  to 
challenge  the  right  of  the  former  digni 
taries,  who  supposed  themselves  to  be  at 
least  equally  distinguished,  to  member 
ship  on  the  committee. 

The  dignity  of  the  occasion  would  not, 
of  course,  permit  the  antagonistic  forces 
to  come  to  blows  (a  very  fortunate  cir 
cumstance,  the  claimants  to  foreign  an 
cestry  being  in  the  majority),  so  the  con 
tending  parties  contented  themselves  with 
the  most  exquisite  courtesies  that  the 
language  could  invent  in  conveying  to 
one  another  the  opinons  which  each  har 
bored  of  his  or  her  antagonist. 

It  was  contended,  after  the  difficulty 
had  been  adjusted,  that  it  was  at  least 
very  impolitic,  if  not  positively  presump 
tuous  on  the  part  of  the  advocates  of  domestic 


70  HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

ancestry  to  deign  to  consider  themselves 
the  equals  of  the  advocates  of  foreign  an 
cestry.  However,  it  is  the  privilege  of  an 
historian  to  state  facts,  not  to  express 
opinions;  and  we  must  leave  our  readers 
to  their  own  conclusions  as  to  the  right 
and  wrong  of  the  question.  Suffice  it  to 
say,  the  ladies  and  gentlemen  of  the  "  Revo 
lution"  and  the  ladies  of  the  "Colonial 
Dames"  argued,  with  much  force,  that 
the  principles  that  controlled  domestic 
ancestry  were  exactly  the  same  as  those 
which  controlled  foreign  ancestry.  Their 
antagonists,  however,  pretended  to  be  un 
able  to  perceive  any  ground  for  such  simi 
larity;  and  one  of  their  members  took  oc 
casion  to  reflect,  in  courteous  terms,  of 
course,  upon  the  "verdure  and  freshness 
of  domestic  ancestry!" 

This  reflection  naturally,  and  possibly 
justly,  disturbed  the  equilibrium  of  a  dis 
tinguished  "Son  of  the  Revolution"  who, 
in  glowing,  though  equally  courteous  terms, 
undertook  to  distinguish  between  youth, 
with  its  blooming  cheeks,  its  living  ener 
gies,  its  robust  faculties  and  its  attractive 
and  enticing  beauty,  and  extreme  old  age, 
superannuated,  useless,  dying  and  decaying. 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  71 

He  then  likened  foreign  ancestry  to  the 
latter,  which  he  relegated  to  the  age  of  an 
tiquity,  only  to  be  called  forth  by  its 
equally  decaying  posterity,  in  the  persons 
of  certain  members  of  a  committee,  ap 
pointed  to  receive  the  ancestral  ashes  and 
plant  them  in  a  soil  rich  with  living  phos 
phate,  in  the  forlorn  hope  that  those  ashes 
would  become  revivified  sufficiently  to 
enable  those  ancient  members  of  that  an 
tiquated  committee  to  trade  on  the  credu 
lity  of  a  credulous  public  and  make  it  be 
lieve  in  the  justice  of  their  claim  of  the 
superiority  of  death  over  life. 

The  orator  concluded  his  remarks  by 
saying  that,  notwithstanding  all  the  so- 
called  verdure  and  freshness  of  domestic 
ancestry,  to  which  his  opponent  had  re 
ferred  in  terms  of  respectable  sarcasm,  it 
afforded  him  pleasure  to  remind  his  an 
tagonists  that,  in  that  very  freshness  it 
had  the  advantage  of  being  at  least  recog 
nized,  while  ancient  ancestry  had  positively 
decayed  beyond  recognition  and  its  vo 
taries  had  but  the  impression  left  in  their 
nostrils  by  its  decaying  odors,  as  a  re 
minder  of  their  assumed  superiority  over 
their  fellows. 


72  HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

This  oratorical  effusiveness  was  the  master 
stroke  of  a  master  mind,  and  it  is  not  to  be 
wondered  at  that  these  utterances  of  this 
able  "Son  of  the  Revolution"  have  come 
down  to  us  as  a  classic  under  the  title  of 
"Posterity's  Oration  on  Ancestry!" 

It  might  naturally  be  supposed  that 
this  masterly  effort  on  the  part  of  the 
worthy  "Son  of  the  Revolution, "  would 
have  established  equality  of  domestic  with 
ancient  ancestry  and  have  secured  to  the 
"Colonial  Dames"  and  to  the  "Sons  and 
Daughters  of  the  Revolution"  their  places 
on  the  distinguished  committee;  but  such 
was  not  the  fact;  for  a  vote  was  taken  by 
the  members  of  the  committee,  at  the 
suggestion  of  the  aggrieved  ancient  an 
cestral  member  (as  a  chairman  of  the  com 
mittee  had  not  yet  been  elected),  as  to  the 
definition  of  "ancestry,"  as  regarded  by 
the  committee,  and  a  majority  vote  dis 
closed  the  fact  that,  in  so  far  as  the  com 
mittee  was  concerned,  there  was  no  do 
mestic  ancestry.  It  was  then  moved  and, 
of  course,  opposed  by  the  minority,  that 
no  member  of  the  committee  who  was  un 
able  to  trace  his  or  her  ancestry  beyond 
the  land  of  his  birth  (meaning  the  United 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  73 

States — the  land  in  which  the  committee 
was  assembled)  should  be  regarded  as  a 
member  of  the  committee. 

Notwithstanding  the  fact  that  Madam 
Columbiana  was  appealed  to,  the  worthy 
domestic  Sons  and  Daughters  were  ob 
liged  to  retire  from  the  committee  and 
their  places  were  promptly  filled  by  for 
eign  ancestral  posterity.  Thus,  as  was 
said  at  the  time,  was  a  blot  on  the  century 
perpetrated;  and  it  has  always  been  held 
that,  as  no  chairman  of  the  committee  had 
been  elected,  its  action  was  illegal;  but  so 
many  queer  things  have  been  done  by  the 
posterity  of  ancient  ancestry  that  this  ac 
tion  is  not  now  regarded  as  of  great  moment. 

The  reception  committee  having  at  last 
become  organized  to  the  entire  satisfaction 
of  its  members,  perfect  harmony  seemed 
assured;  but  hope  soon  stood  trembling 
with  one  foot  on  harmony  and  the  other 
on  discord,  until  harmony  rolled  from  under 
and  left  both  feet  trying  to  adjust  the  bal 
ance  on  discord — an  utter  impossibility, 
it  seemed;  for  an  occasion  unexpectedly 
arose  which  bade  fair  to  embroil  the  mem 
bers  of  the  celebrated  committee  in  a  con 
tentious  dispute  more  boisterous  than  that 


74  HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

which  had  entertained  the  worthy  mem 
bers  of  that  committee  in  their  struggle  for 
foreign  and  domestic  ancestral  predomi 
nance. 

The  time  had  arrived  in  the  life  of  the 
committee  for  the  election  of  a  chairman, 
or,  more  properly  speaking,  a  leader  or  chief, 
and  each  member  of  the  committee,  labor 
ing  under  the  impression  that  he  or  she 
would  be  enabled  to  convince  every  other 
member  of  that  notable  body  that  his  or 
her  ancestors  had  been  longer  in  the  grave 
than  had  the  ancestors  of  any  other  mem 
ber,  readily  consented  that  the  member 
who  could  trace  his  or  her  ancestry  back 
the  farthest  should  be  unanimously  de 
clared  such  chief.  This  was  a  most  ex 
citing  contention  and  promised  for  a  time 
to  destroy  the  committee's  usefulness, 
which  would  have  been  a  great  calamity. 

Many  documents  were  produced  by  the 
various  members  in  the  great  effort  to 
prove  priority  of  right  to  the  chiefdom.  To 
go  into  the  details  of  this  struggle  would, 
however,  prove  uninteresting  to  any  but 
to  the  posterity  of  the  members  of  that 
wonderful  committee;  but  all  the  stu 
dents  of  history  will  doubtless  be  glad  to 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY  75 

know  the  name  of  the  successful  competi 
tor  for  the  prize. 

After  a  prolonged  discussion  and  the 
careful  examination  of  the  numerous  docu 
ments,  involving  the  consumption  of  many 
days,  a  little  old  man,  with  snowy  white 
hair  and  a  long  and  equally  white  beard, 
arose  as  one  from  the  tomb,  trembling 
and  shaking  like  a  sensitive  aspen  leaf,  and 
stated  in  a  weak  and  squeaky  tone  of  voice 
that  he  had  sat  quietly  every  day  listening 
to  the  discussions  and  watching  the  pro 
ceedings,  without  taking  any  active  part 
in  the  controversy,  hoping  that  some  one 
might  be  able  to  disclose  his  or  her  right 
to  ancestral  preferment  to  the  great  office 
or  dignity  awaiting  such  disclosure;  but, 
knowing  so  well  his  own  ancestry,  he  was 
very  much  afraid  that,  however  little  he 
might  care  to  fulfil  the  arduous  duties 
which  must  naturally  devolve  upon  the 
head  of  so  august  a  body,  he  would  be 
called  upon  to  accept  that  office,  in  which 
case  he  would,  of  course,  endeavor  to  per 
form  those  duties  faithfully. 

As  might  readily  be  imagined,  great 
deference  was  accorded  the  little  old  man; 
indeed,  one  of  the  members  remarked  that 


76  HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

the  speaker  must  be  his  own  ancestor, 
and  immediately  resigned  any  claim  which 
he  might  possibly  have  had  to  the  great 
office. 

The  little  old  man  then  stated  that  he 
was  "Pantomime  Decanter,"  and  was  de 
scended  from  the  Pandian  dynasty,  which 
flourished  in  Deccan  at  least  five  hundred 
years  before  Christ.  The  other  members 
of  the  committee  were  too  modest  to  in 
quire  as  to  what  the  Pandian  dynasty  or 
Deccan  were.  That  they  believed  the 
statement  of  the  little  old  man  was  evi 
dent  from  the  fact  that  a  tremendous 
cheer  arose  from  the  throats  of  all  the 
remaining  members  of  the  committee  save 
one,  and  that  one,  who  could  trace  his  an 
cestry  no  farther  back  than  the  fifth 
century,  had  the  audacity  to  challenge  the 
little  old  man  to  prove  his  descent  from 
that  ancient  dynasty.  The  latter  was, 
however,  equal  to  the  emergency;  for  he 
replied  in  a  slow  and  trembling  but  dig 
nified  tone  of  voice,  that  it  would  take  the 
honorable  challenger  one  thousand  years 
to  peruse  the  documents  tending  to  such 
proof  and  would  necessitate  a  search 
through  many  libraries  and  archives.  At 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY  77 

this  juncture,  another  tremendous  cheer  was 
heard  from  the,  now,  friends  of  Pantomime 
Decanter,  who  was  at  last  unanimously 
elected  to  the  high  position  by  acclama 
tion;  and  the  reception  committee  was 
finally  considered  ready  to  receive  the 
ancient  ancestral  ashes. 

The  great  question  of  precedency  had 
not  been  considered  by  the  committee; 
nor,  it  is  strange  to  relate,  had  such  a 
question  occurred  to  any  of  the  members, 
until  the  organization  of  the  great  body 
was  complete  and  an  incident  occurred 
which  brought  the  matter  forcibly  to  its 
attention.  It  transpired  that  the  Master 
of  the  Rolls  and  the  Master  of  the  Horse 
had  had  a  little  misunderstanding  be 
tween  themselves  as  to  which  one  of  them 
was  entitled,  from  the  dignity  of  his  posi 
tion,  to  precede  the  other  at  the  reception 
of  the  ancestral  ashes.  The  Master  of  the 
Horse  contended,  with  some  show  of  reason, 
that  as  the  ashes  would  have  to  be  con 
veyed  to  some  destination  determined  upon 
by  their  owner,  horses  would  doubtless 
be  required  for  the  purpose,  on  account  of 
their  ancient  usefulness  as  beasts  of  bur 
den;  and  as  he  was  the  master  of  that  ani- 


78  HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

mal,  his  presence,  and  consequent  pre 
cedence,  would  be  a  matter  of  course.  The 
Master  of  the  Rolls,  on  the  other  hand, 
contended  first,  that  he  had  received  his 
appointment  prior  to  the  appointment  of 
the  Master  of  the  Horse,  and  secondly, 
that  as  the  ancestors  had  to  be  baked  in 
order  to  make  the  ashes,  and  the  making 
of  the  ashes  preceded  the  carting  of  them 
away,  therefore  he,  as  a  baker-master, 
should  precede  the  carter-master.  The 
Master  of  the  Horse  replied,  sarcastically, 
that  if  the  Master  of  the  Rolls  should  bake 
his  rolls  to  the  same  degree  of  brownness 
that  the  ancestors  were  baked  he  would 
find  himself  much  less  precedent  than  sub 
sequent.  This  remark  was  fatal  to  har 
mony  between  the  two  distinguished  dig 
nitaries,  and  so  disturbed  the  mental  bal 
ance  of  the  Master  of  the  Rolls  that  he 
undertook  to  use  his  dough-mixer  on  the 
Master  of  the  Horse,  thus  causing  the  latter 
to  flee  into  the  very  arms  of  the  reception 
committee  for  protection  and  for  a  deci 
sion  of  the  question  as  to  which  of  the  two 
masters  was  entitled  to  precede  the  other 
at  the  reception.  This  started  the  in 
quiry  among  the  members  of  the  great 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY  79 

committee  as  to  the  nature  and  application 
of  precedency,  as  to  which  question  they 
all  appeared  to  be  uninformed.  This  led 
to  the  much  more  significant  inquiry  as 
to  the  precedency  of  the  various  members 
of  the  committee  over  one  another. 

The  discussion  was  lengthy  and  heated, 
but  the  details  of  it  have  not  come  down  to 
us  and  it  is  to  be  regretted  that  our  readers 
will  be  obliged  to  draw  upon  their  own 
imaginations  for  conjectures  as  to  the  na 
ture  of  it.  Enough  is  known,  however, 
to  warrant  us  in  saying  that  in  all  prob 
ability  Count  Do  Little  was  called  upon 
to  decide  the  much  mooted  question  and 
restore  harmony  among  the  members  of 
the  celebrated  committee. 


CHAPTER  VI 

ON    BRITISH    SOIL 

After  a  somewhat  boisterous  voyage, 
the  "British  Lion,"  with  its  fifty-some-odd 
flags  and  their  fifty-some-odd  geese  perched 
on  the  heads  of  the  fifty-some-odd  lions, 
approached  the  waters  of  the  British  Em 
pire,  and,  to  the  great  joy  and  delight  of 
Colunibiason,  the  Admiral  pointed  out  to 
him  "Sweaton's  Lighthouse,"  which  stood 
on  the  highest  point  of  the  "Spurn  Head," 
that  projected  into  the  North  Sea  and 
overlooked  the  wide  mouth  of  the  River 
Humber,  as  well  as  that  sea.  The  head 
of  the  house  of  Columbiason  seemed  to 
feel  a  thrill  of  inspiration  as  his  mind  un 
dertook,  in  vain,  to  grasp  the  vastness  of 
the  conjectures  open  to  it  on  this  moment 
ous  occasion.  To  think  that  he  was  at 
last  approaching  the  spot  where,  deep  be 
neath  the  surface  of  the  earth,  lay,  con 
cealed  from  all  the  world,  the  ashes  of  his 
ancestors,  to  be  unearthed  by  his  own 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  81 

hand — the  hand  of  the  greatest  of  their 
posterity,  who  should  thus  be  permitted 
to  stand  before  the  people  of  the  whole 
globe  on  an  equality  with  those  an 
cestral  ashes.  The  bare  thought  of  this 
was  overpowering  to  him  and  contrib 
uted  to  inspire  him  with  confidence  and 
to  urge  him  on  to  the  performance  of  the 
pleasant,  though  arduous  duties  before  him 
— the  work  of  ancestral  excavation. 

Finally,  the  lesser  light  tower — the  sur 
vivor  of  several  of  the  kind  erected  on  the 
same  spot  and  washed  away  by  the  bois 
terous  sea — became  clearly  visible  to  the 
naked  eye;  and  just  landward  of  it  might 
have  been  seen  a  row  of  cottages — the 
domiciles  of  a  life-saving  crew  which  had 
often  been  of  the  greatest  service  along 
that  wild  coast. 

As  the  "British  Lion"  motored  itself 
toward  a  suitable  landing  place  at  "  Spurn 
Head,"  the  character  of  the  place  and  the 
monotonous  view  appealed  to  the  sensi 
tive  side  of  Columbiason's  nature,  and  a 
slight  shiver  passed  up  his  spinal  column 
as  he  contemplated  the  work  before  him. 
His  eye  took  in  the  natural  causeway  of 
sand  and  pebbles  connecting  the  "Spurn 


82  HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

Head"  with  the  town  of  Kilnsea;  then 
he  turned  his  gaze  northward,  along  the 
river  Humber,  and  beheld  a  great  brown 
expanse  of  sand  and  mud,  which  seemed 
to  stretch  as  far  as  the  eye  could  see — 
sand  and  mud,  sand  and  mud — a  desert 
indeed,  where  the  only  living  things  were 
a  few  sea  gulls  darting  rapidly  hither  and 
thither,  their  white  wings  flashing  by  the 
light  of  the  setting  sun,  in  contrast  with 
the  mud  and  sand-colored  shore.  The 
only  feature  which  rendered  the  scene  at 
all  redeemable  was  the  "Spurn  Head" 
itself — a  long  curved  bank  thrown  up  by 
the  sea  on  the  place  of  a  tract  of  land 
which  had  once  been  destroyed.  This, 
although  subject  to  continual  waste  by 
the  action  of  the  currents  setting  along 
the  shore  southward,  had  proven  itself 
sufficiently  firm  to  support  the  two  light 
houses,  the  greater  one  ninety  feet  high 
and  the  lesser  one  fifty  feet  high,  and  ap 
proached  by  a  long  wooden  bridge  above 
the  reach  of  the  water.  Both  of  these 
towers  appeared  to  have  been  able  to  defy 
the  forces  of  their  assailants,  the  river  and 
the  sea,  and  they  afforded  a  contrast,  at 
least,  to  the  surrounding  scenery. 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY  83 

The  Admiral  endeared  himself  to  Colum- 
biason  by  imparting  to  him,  from  his 
own  limited  storehouse  of  knowledge  on 
the  subject,  some  information  concerning 
"Spurn  Head."  He  pointed,  by  means 
of  the  telescope,  to  the  town  of  Easington, 
just  beyond  Kilnsea,  and  to  the  great  em 
bankment  on  the  margin  of  the  flats 
between  those  two  places.  This  bank 
stretched  as  far  as  the  eye  could  see,  in  a 
straight  line  to  the  east  and  west,  and 
was  covered  with  patches  of  sea  holly  and 
coarse  grass.  Its  outer  slope  was  com 
posed  of  loose  sand,  falling  away  to  the 
damp  line,  beyond  which  nothing  ap 
peared  but  mud.  A  few  fishermen  were 
seen  wading  in  huge  boots  across  this  flat 
from  their  boats,  and  the  Admiral  ex 
plained  that  it  was  necessary  for  them  to 
dig  down  several  feet  to  find  holding 
ground  for  their  anchors. 

To  convey  to  Columbiason  some  idea  as 
to  the  extent  of  "The  Spurn,"  as  it  was 
sometimes  called,  the  Admiral  informed 
him  that  it  then  contained  only  about 
twenty-five  acres  of  earth,  mud  and  sand, 
including  the  sand-bank  by  which  it  was 
approached,  but  way  back  in  the  year 


84  HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

1817  it  comprised  nearly  one  hundred 
acres;  that  the  town  of  Ravensner  was  at 
one  time  within  and  near  "Spurn  Head," 
and  in  1305  that  town  had  sent  members 
to  Parliament,  but  about  the  year  1340, 
the  dead  were  transferred  to  Easington 
and  the  town  of  Ravensner  was  abandoned 
and  swept  away  by  the  flood  of  the  sea. 

This  information  somewhat  discouraged 
Columbiason,  and  he  inquired  of  the  Ad 
miral  if  he  thought  the  ashes  of  his  an 
cestors  could  by  any  possibility  have 
been  transferred  to  Easington  with  the 
dead  of  Ravensner.  The  Admiral  replied 
that,  while  that  might  have  been  possible, 
it  was  scarcely  probable;  and  he  set  the 
mind  of  Columbiason  at  rest  on  that  score 
by  informing  him  that,  while  the  currents 
of  the  river  and  the  sea  had  subjected 
"Spurn  Head"  to  continual  waste,  that 
waste  was  constantly  more  or  less  repaired 
by  new  materials  which  those  currents 
brought  from  the  cliffs  that  underwent  de 
struction  farther  north,  and  that  it  was 
out  of  the  ruins  of  Holderness  that  "The 
Spurn"  was  really  constituted  and  main 
tained.  The  Admiral  also  suggested  that 
the  ashes  of  the  illustrious  ancestors  of 


85 

Columbiason  might  have  formed  a  portion 
of  that  new  material;  that  if  so,  "Spurn 
Head ' '  was  the  place  to  dig  for  them. 

By  this  time,  the  "  British  Lion ' '  had  been 
made  fast  to  its  moorings  and  Columbiason, 
after  giving  orders  to  the  proper  official 
to  have  the  great  urn  landed  and  delivered 
to  him  when  he  should  send  for  it,  threw 
the  silver  shovel  and  pick  over  his  shoulder 
and  mounted  the  gang-plank,  preparatory 
to  placing  his  feet  on  British  soil,  when  he 
discovered  a  rather  portly  looking  gentle 
man,  with  a  full  face,  flushed  almost  to  the 
redness  of  a  nearly  scarlet-colored  coat 
which  he  was  wearing.  The  portly  gentle 
man  was  watching  with  interest  the  move 
ments  of  Columbiason,  and  before  the  latter 
could  get  an  opportunity  to  salute  him,  he 
exclaimed,  with  an  exuberant  flush  of  ap 
parent  indignation,  that  he  was  the  owner 
of  that  land  and  it  would  be  interesting  to 
him  to  know  why  such  a  formidable  looking 
vessel  was  landed  there  without  his  per 
mission  or  authority  ? 

Columbiason  was  naturally  not  a  little 
abashed  at  the  sudden  and  unexpected  in 
quiry,  but  he  quickly  regained  his  self- 
possession  and  replied  that  he  was  Colum- 


86  HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

biason,  the  son  of  Columbia,  and  was  in 
search  of  the  tomb  of  Columbida,  of  the 
order  of  "  Insessores, "  which  tomb  he  had 
been  informed  was  somewhere  on  "Spurn 
Head." 

The  gentlemen  in  red  responded,  gruffly, 
that  he  was  not  familiar  with  the  order 
of  "Insessores,"  although  he  had  an  in 
distinct  recollection  of  the  family  of  "Co- 
lumbidae,"  but  he  knew  positively  that 
there  was  no  tomb  of  that  family  at  "  Spurn 
Head;"  that  the  oldest  monument  on 
"The  Spurn"  was  Sweaton's  Lighthouse— 
the  ninety  feet  high  tower,  which  was 
erected  in  the  year  1776;  and  if  the  tomb 
of  the  Columbidae  were  there  at  all  it  must 
have  been  long  before  that  year,  which 
would  probably  cause  it  to  be  many  feet 
under  the  sand  and  mud. 

Of  course,  Columbiason  did  not  mind 
the  number  of  feet  down,  where  the  ashes 
of  his  ancestors  might  be  reposing,  for  he 
felt  confident  that  he  could  bring  them  to 
the  surface  if  he  could  but  locate  them, 
and  he  expressed  as  much  to  the  gentle 
man  in  red,  stating,  at  the  same  time,  that 
he  was  quite  enthusiastic  in  his  desire  to 
locate  this  tomb  of  his  ancestors,  strongly 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY  87 

emphasizing  the  word  ancestors,  so  that 
the  gentleman  in  red  might  appreciate  the 
fact  that  he  owned  those  ancestors,  if  they 
were  on  foreign  soil.  This,  however,  had 
a  different  effect  on  the  gentleman  in  red 
than  Columbiason  had  expected,  tending 
to  make  him  feel  as  if  it  were  said  in  a 
spirit  of  menace;  and  he  frankly  told  the 
would-be  intruder  that  if  he  approached 
his  shores  in  anything  like  the  spirit  mani 
fested  by  him  in  17 76 — the  year  that  Sweat- 
on's  Lighthouse  was  erected,  and  a  year  with 
which  both  the  would-be  intruder  and  the 
gentleman  in  red  were  familiar — he  would 
be  obliged  to  insist  on  his  pulling  in  the 
lines  and  floating  seaward;  that  if,  on  the 
other  hand,  Columbiason  had  come  in  a 
spirit  of  supplication,  to  recover  the  ashes 
of  his  ancestors,  he  would  be  glad  to  listen 
to  him  and  to  render  any  assistance  possi 
ble  toward  getting  those  ashes  out  of  the 
country. 

Columbiason  apologized  to  the  gentle 
men  in  red  for  his  unintended  rudeness 
and  replied  that  he  had  no  idea  of  seizing 
by  force,  the  ashes  of  his  ancestors ;  and  he 
assured  the  gentleman  in  red,  most  posi 
tively,  that  he  did  not  harbor  the  spirit 


88  HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

which  actuated  him  in  17 76  and  stated  that 
he  would  be  under  lasting  obligations  to 
that  gentleman  if  he  would  only  extend  to 
him  the  privilege  of  stepping  his  foot  on 
British  soil  and  digging  a  little  in  the  sand 
and  mud.  Of  course  "John  Bull" — for 
that  was  the  name  of  the  gentleman  in 
red — readily  assented  to  this  suppliant 
appeal,  and  Columbiason  descended  the 
gang-plank  of  the  "British  Lion"  and  ex 
tended  his  hand  to  his  newly  found  friend, 
who  introduced  himself  (as  Columbiason 's 
mind  had  been  so  much  occupied  in  mat 
ters  at  home  that  he  had  forgotten  all  about 
him). 

The  two  former  antagonists  soon  be 
came  quite  friendly,  indeed  chummy,  and 
were  calling  each  other  John  and  Col., 
as  if  they  had  always  been  on  terms  of  the 
most  cordial  and  friendly  relations.  John 
marvelled,  somewhat,  at  the  unprece 
dented  delay  on  Col.'s  part  in  seeking 
to  obtain  possession  of  the  ashes  of  his 
ancestors,  and  he  remarked  that,  but  for 
the  establishment  of  such  friendly  rela 
tions,  such  laches  would  have  been  re 
garded  as  a  bar  to  their  removal  from 
his  country.  Col.  seemed  to  appreciate 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY  89 

that  fact  and  explained  to  John  that  he 
was  getting  along  so  well  without  the 
ashes  that  he  had  quite  forgotten  their 
importance,  if  not  their  very  existence;  but 
having  acquired  pretty  much  everything 
he  desired,  and  having  a  little  leisure  time  on 
his  hands,  he  strolled  to  a  certain  lake  on 
his  estate,  where  he  made  the  acquaintance 
of  a  distant  relation,  who  reminded  him 
of  the  importance  of  the  search  which  had 
brought  him  to  "Spurn  Head."  John 
laughed  quite  heartily  and  remarked,  inci 
dentally,  that  "  Satan  always  found  plenty 
of  work  for  idle  hands  to  do,"  much  to  Co- 
lumbiason's  discomfort.  At  this  juncture 
John  happened  to  glance  up  at  the  fifty-odd 
flags,  floating  in  the  breeze  from  the  masts 
of  the  "British  Lion,"  and,  noticing  the 
fifty-odd  geese  perched  on  the  fifty-odd 
lions'  heads,  he  inquired  as  to  the  meaning 
of  the  emblem.  Columbiason,  pleased 
with  the  attention  which  his  friend  gave  to 
his  ensigns,  as  well  as  with  their  own  at 
tractiveness,  informed  him  that  they  were 
his  coat-of-arms.  This  afforded  another 
opportunity  for  John  to  show  his  mirth- 
fulness,  and,  good  naturedly  punching 
Col.  in  the  side  with  his  thumb,  he  re- 


90  HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

marked  that  it  was  a  good  thing  for  that 
goose  that  he  was  up  and  away  from  the 
jaws  of  the  lion.  Columbiason,  of  course, 
felt  it  his  duty  to  laugh  because  John 
laughed,  which  was  quite  in  accord  with 
the  actions  of  his  whole  household,  and 
the  two  friends  locked  arms  and  strolled 
toward  Sweaton's  Lighthouse,  where,  after 
a  few  more  exchanges  of  courtesies,  they 
separated  in  mutual  good  humor;  and 
Columbiason,  eager  to  commence  the  work 
of  excavation  while  the  tide  was  low, 
walked  some  distance  from  the  lighthouse; 
then,  throwing  down  the  shovel  and  the 
pick,  he  signalled  for  the  urn,  which  was 
soon  by  his  side,  and  he  was  left  alone  to 
delve  in  the  mire  of  the  past. 


CHAPTER  VII 

AT  THE  GRAVE  OP  HIS  ANCESTOR 

The  luminous  king  of  day  had  long  since 
kissed  the  sea  good  night;  nor  was  there 
the  faintest  reflection  of  his  rays  remaining 
upon  the  tiny  windows  of  the  few  little  cot 
tages  standing  back  on  the  mud  and  sand, 
when  Columbiason  drove  the  silvery 
pick- axe  deep  into  British  soil,  composed 
of  like  mud  and  sand,  in  or  under  which  lay, 
as  he  supposed,  his  ancestor's  ashes,  wait 
ing  to  burst  forth  and  spread  themselves 
over  posterity's  mantles,  to  which  they 
were  expected  to  stick  like  porous  plasters 
and  render  impervious  to  the  principles 
of  equality. 

As  Columbiason  raised  the  pick  from 
the  soil,  the  mud  and  sand  trickled  from 
its  silvery  point  to  mingle  in  fellowship 
with  its  companion  soil.  Again  the  pick 
sank  low  into  the  muddy,  sandy  soil  and 
again  it  brought  to  the  surface  of  the  dreary, 
desolate  shore  another  reminder  of  the 


92  HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

adhesive  quality  of  fellowship,  even  among 
the  atoms  of  inanimate  sand  and  mud; 
for  again  was  welcomed  back  to  earth  the 
falling  companions  which  trickled  from 
the  point  of  the  silvery  pick.  And  so  the 
pick  went  on,  finally  in  fellowship  with  the 
shovel,  picking  and  digging  until  a  gauzy, 
overshadowing  mist  began  to  settle  along 
the  shore  and  rise  to  meet,  in  bonds  of  fel 
lowship,  the  moisture  of  the  falling  dew. 
The  stars  of  heaven  were  mingling  their 
soft  and  brilliant  lights  in  unison  and 
blinking  their  eyes  at  one  another  and  grin 
ning,  in  pleasing  smiles  of  fraternal  merri 
ment.  The  queen  of  night,  peeping  her 
silvery  head  from  behind  the  sea,  in  playful 
peekaboo  with  all  the  things  of  earth, 
greeted  all  alike  with  a  friendly  smile  and 
then,  rising  up,  up,  up  above  their  heads, 
reflected  forth  on  all,  without  distinction, 
the  pale  silvery  light  of  her  beaming  face. 
Even  the  soft  sea  waves  chased  one  an 
other  upon  the  shore  in  playful,  friendly 
sport,  with  no  feeling  of  egotistical  superi 
ority  pent  up  within  their  pure  white 
bosoms.  But  Columbiason,  the  son  of 
Columbia,  worked  on,  picking  and  digging, 
picking  and  digging,  in  the  vain  effort  to 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  93 

extract  from  mud  and  sand  the  essence  of 
a  superior  greatness. 

He  had  succeeded  in  excavating  the 
muddy  soil  to  a  depth  of  about  three  feet, 
when  his  pick  struck  a  substance  of  stony 
hardness,  causing  an  echo  to  voice  itself, 
as  if  from  a  distant  hill.  Standing  to  his 
thighs  in  the  mud  and  sand,  he  felt  the 
shock  of  the  mighty  blow  and  heard  the 
noise  of  the  collision  and  of  the  resounding 
echo.  Leaving  his  pick  in  touch  with  the 
adamantine  substance,  he  wiped  the  per 
spiration  from  his  brow  and  peered  out 
upon  the  deep,  broad  expanse,  but  he  de 
tected  nothing  but  the  bosom  of  the  sea, 
heaving  sighs,  as  it  were,  of  half  suppressed 
grief  and  laughter;  then,  returning  to  his 
task,  he  removed  the  pick-axe  and,  with 
the  shovel,  pushed  back  the  loose  mixture 
of  more  solid  earth  and  sand,  when,  to  his 
amazement,  he  discovered,  by  the  use  of 
a  small  lantern  which  had  been  brought 
to  him  with  the  urn,  the  end  of  a  flat  stony 
surface,  resembling  the  cover  or  slab  of  a 
sort  of  sarcophagus.  Under  the  edge  of 
this  cover  he  managed  to  drive  the  end 
of  his  pick;  then  after  clearing  away  with 
his  shovel  the  remaining  soil  from  the  top 


94  HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

of  the  slab,  he  succeeded,  by  a  mighty 
effort,  in  prying  the  slab  from  its  position; 
and  upon  raising  it,  there  was  revealed  to 
him,  to  his  great  joy  and  delight,  a  recep 
tacle  of  ashes. 

Columbiason,  on  perceiving  the  recep 
tacle  of  ashes,  grabbed  from  the  mud  and 
soil,  which  he  had  removed  from  the  hole 
or  grave  in  which  the  ashes  lay,  a  handful 
of  the  yellow  mixture  and,  pressing  it  to  his 
lips,  exclaimed  aloud: 

"  Let  me  kiss  the  earth  that  has  for  so 
many  ages  protected  the  ashes  of  mine 
ancestors  and  now  restores  them  to  me  as 
an  emblem  of  my  greatness!  " 

Then  carefully  laying  the  handful  of  soil 
back  upon  the  pile  from  which  he  had 
removed  it,  he  addressed  the  sarcophagus 
of  ashes  thus: 

"  O  ashes  of  mine  ancestors !  Let  me  kneel 
to  ye !  I  will  breathe  into  ye  the  revivifying 
principles  of  your  own  posterity  and  bring  ye 
forth  a  living  entity,  to  move  and  breathe 
and  have  your  being  again!  Ye  shall 
again  walk  the  earth  arm  in  arm  with 
your  posterity,  for  whom  ye  shall  proclaim 
preferment  here  and  testify  to  coming 
ages  of  his  greatness;  nor  shall  ye  ever 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  95 

again  depart  the  realm  in  which  your  name 
in  memory  alone,  has  heretofore  been 
cherished! " 

After  thus  addressing  the  ancestral  ashes, 
Columbiason  placed  his  knees  upon  the 
slab,  which  he  had  slid  back  from  the 
stony  receptacle,  and  knelt  partially  over 
the  casket  of  ashes,  when  lo !  a  great  black 
cloud,  which  seemed  to  rise  suddenly  up 
from  the  sea,  obscured  the  misty  light  of 
the  moonbeams  and  left  the  scene  in  utter 
darkness.  Even  the  light  of  the  lantern, 
if  it  was  not  entirely  extinguished,  failed 
to  show  itself,  and  a  death-like  stillness 
seemed  to  reign — such  stillness  that,  when 
Columbiason  arose  from  the  sarcophagus, 
the  very  shuffle  of  his  knees  and  feet 
upon  its  slab  sounded  in  his  ears  in  the 
stilly  gloom,  like  a  distant  cataract;  then, 
as  he  stood  quietly  and  gazed  out  into  the 
black  abyss,  the  stillness  became  even 
more  marked,  and  a  terrible  feeling  of  awe 
seemed  to  take  possession  of  him.  Sud 
denly,  the  darkness  began  to  dissipate  and 
a  glimmering  light  appeared  to  penetrate 
through  the  jet-black  cloud.  Lighter  and 
lighter  it  became,  and  the  more  the  brill 
iancy  manifested  itself  to  Columbiason, 


96  HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

the  more  he  gazed  into  it,  as  if  to  relieve 
his  eyes  from  the  strain  due  to  the  inky 
blackness,  into  which  he  had  been  staring; 
and  he  finally  found  himself  gazing  into 
the  beautiful  face  of  a  woman — a  face  into 
which  the  light  had  apparently  become 
imperceptibly  transformed,  although  the 
light  was  really  the  reflection  from  the 
facial  vision.  Columbiason  fell  upon  his 
knees,  his  left  arm  thrown  back  and  his 
right  hand  shading  his  eyes,  as  he  contin 
ued  to  gaze  upon  the  beautiful  face  before 
him,  when  suddenly  a  voice,  pure,  beautiful 
and  sonorous,  though  feminine,  exclaimed: 

"Columbiason!  Why  dost  thou  bow  thy 
forehead  to  the  dust  of  ages  ?  Thine  ances 
tors  were  begotten  of  the  spirit,  not  of  the 
flesh!  Thou  wilt  find  them  in  thine  own 
heart!  Search  there  for  the  true  and  the 
good — the  grand  principles  there  implanted 
in  thy  youth!" 

The  words  at  first  seemed  to  sink  deep 
into  Columbiason 's  mind,  but  in  an  instant 
the  impression  made  upon  him  wore  away, 
and  jumping  to  his  feet  he  exclaimed,  still 
gazing  on  the  beautiful  face  as  he  pointed 
to  the  sarcophagus : 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  97 

"Mine  ancestors  lie  here;  nor  go  I  hence 
without  their  valued  ashes,  for  'tis  for  these  I 
came  hither!  Why  comest  thou  here  to  fret 
my  soul  into  uneasiness  ?  I  know  thee  not ! ' ' 

"Know  me  not?"  replied  the  voice. 
"Thou  dost  remember  but  illy!  'Twere 
well  to  keep  thy  mind  fresh-blooming  with 
thoughts  of  home,  lest  thou  forget  the  very 
hills  and  valleys  of  thy  youth  and  return 
thither  a  wanderer  in  a  strange  land! " 

"Woman,  who  art  thou?"  cried  Colum- 
biason,  in  a  stentorian  and  commanding 
tone  of  voice. 

"I  am  Columbia,  thy  mother!"  replied 
the  voice.  "I  came,"  it  continued,  "to 
return  thee  to  thyself  and  to  thine  obliga 
tions,  lest  thou  forget  the  one  and  overlook 
the  other,  to  thy  misfortune!" 

Columbiason,  in  half  anger  and  half 
despair,  cried: 

"Nay,  woman,  'tis  false!  My  mother 
cometh  not  so  far  to  chide  her  son  at  the 
very  grave  of  his  ancestors!  Nay!  Nay!  I 
spurn  thee,  woman!  'Tis  but  a  dream — a 
dream,  I  say!  Depart  and  leave  me  to  my 
soul's  content1" 

Having  thus  addressed  the  facial  vision, 


98  HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

Columbiason  fell  on  the  stony  slab  like  one 
in  a  swoon,  and  the  bright,  beautiful  face 
in  the  heavens  became  obscured  by  the 
cloud  of  inky  blackness  which  again 
spread  itself  over  the  deep.* 

The  moon  in  good  time  peeped  through 
the  interstices  of  the  inky  cloud  at  the 
fallen  hero  of  his  own  delusion,  as  if  afraid 
to  disturb  his  rest  within  the  silent  grave, 
and  then  she  hid  her  face  and  peeped  again 
until  Columbiason  came  to,  opened  his 
eyes  and  arose  from  the  slab;  then  she 
showed  her  full  face  from  behind  the  cloud 
and  found  herself  a  welcome  guest  indeed. 

Columbiason  looked,  first  at  the  moon, 
then  at  the  sarcophagus  of  ashes,  as  if  to 
convince  himself  that  he  was  really  in  the 
presence  of  both.  He  then  stooped  to 

*The  fact  that  Columbiason  spurned  his  mother  at 
"The  Spurn,"  as  it  is  sometimes  called,  has  led  to  the  be 
lief  on  the  part  of  many  persons,  that  "Spurn  Head" 
is  indebted  to  that  event  for  its  name;  in  this,  however, 
they  are  in  error,  as  "Spurn  Head"  existed  by  that  name 
long  before  the  happening  of  this  event,  which  must  have 
been  a  mere  coincidence;  although  it  has  been  suggested 
that  an  ancient  prophecy  may  have  foretold  the  event, 
and  that  the  place  took  its  name  in  advance  of  the  ful 
fillment  of  that  prophecy.  This  is  mere  conjecture;  for 
there  is  no  absolute  evidence  of  such  a  prophecy. 


raise  the  slab  from  the  coffin-like  recep 
tacle  of  the  ashes  when  the  old  clock  in 
the  belfry  of  the  little  church  at  Easington 
struck  twelve.  The  sound  of  the  strokes 
could  be  plainly  heard,  as  they  resounded 
through  the  silent  night;  and  Columbia- 
son,  relinquishing,  for  the  time,  his  desire 
to  lift  the  slab,  arose  from  his  stooping 
posture  to  count  them  one  by  one.  Then 
all  was  still  again,  save  the  sounds  of  the 
crying  sea-birds  and  the  gentle  washing  of 
the  incoming  tide-waves  upon  the  desolate 
shore. 

Columbiason,  after  the  bell  had  ceased 
striking,  wiped  the  cold  perspiration  from 
his  brow,  and  said:  "Methinks  I  hear  the 
sighing  of  the  ghosts  of  mine  ancestors! 
Nay!  'tis  but  the  washing  of  the  waves 
upon  the  sandy  shore  and  the  screeching 
of  the  sea-birds  in  the  air!"  Then,  turn 
ing  his  face  toward  the  moon,  he  addressed 
it  thus: 

"Were  it  not  for  thee,  O  moon,  I  fear 
me  much  I  would  forget  my  task  and 
forever  leave  this  barren  soil.  But  no!  I 
stand  alone  with  the  ashes  of  mine  an 
cestors.  Let  me  kneel  again  and  behold 


ioo         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

them  in  the  silent  tomb,  peacefully  resting 
after  the  cessation  of  an  active  living  ex 
istence.  Ah,  could  I  but  breathe  into 
these  ashes  life  and  feel  the  beating  of  an 
ancient  heart  and  the  heaving  of  a  bosom, 
armored  as  of  yore,  my  very  soul  would 
dance  in  joyful  glee  and  bid,  at  last,  mine 
ancestors  walk  with  me!" 

The  son  of  Columbia  then  knelt  again 
by  the  sarcophagus  of  ashes  and,  inhaling 
a  deep  breath  of  the  sea  air,said:  "  I  welcome 
thee,  healthful  breeze,  to  my  fevered 
lungs !  I  will  inhale  thee  pure  and  breathe 
thee  forth  and  oft  inhale  again!"  Then 
he  returned  his  gaze  to  the  stony  casket, 
and,  whether  purposely  or  not,  breathed 
upon  the  ashes,  when  he  thought  he  saw 
them  move.  Drawing  his  head  suddenly 
back  from  the  casket  he  exclaimed,  aghast: 
'  They  move ! "  Then  addressing  the 
ashes,  he  exclaimed,  "Are  ye  then  im 
mortal,  O  ye  ashes  of  the  past?  Yes;  I 
wrill  breathe  once  more!"  He  then  in 
haled  another  breath,  which  he  breathed 
gently  forth  upon  the  ashes  and  exclaimed: 
"See!  They  move  again!  They  take  on 
form!  At  times  methinks  I  even  see  thy 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         101 

cold  lips  move!  Speak!  Speak!  I  say! 
Why  should  I  shrink  from  this  phantom 
of  mine  ancestors,  exhumed  from  a  dreary 
tomb?  Arise!  Let  me  touch  and  handle 
thy  sepulchral  clay! " 

To  Columbiason's  great  surprise  a 
gaunt,  nude  and  ghost-like  figure  of  a  man 
arose  from  the  sepulchre  and  stood  before 
him,  just  above  the  excavation  in  which 
he  was  kneeling.  Jumping  to  his  feet 
and  standing  in  the  tomb,  buried  nearly 
to  his  waist,  he  stared  at  the  figure  in 
amazement  and  horror ;  then  he  exclaimed : 
"Why  comest  thou  to  me  naked?  Thou 
art  but  an  effigy  of  mine  ancestor! " 

A  voice  replied:  "  'Tis  not  my  wish,  but 
thine,  that  I  am  here,  and  howsoever  thou 
wouldst  have  me  clothed,  so  be  it;  for  thou 
shalt  clothe  thine  ancestor  after  thine 
own  mind.  I  come  to  thee  as  thou  hast 
found  me.  Make  me  as  thou  wilt!  " 

Columbiason  replied:  "Thou  art  an  an 
cient  ancestor,  and  to  my  coat-of-arms 
thou  must  conform!  Thy  person,  nude 
and  lean,  an  ancient  armor  coat-of-mail 
must  wear,  with  hinges  rusty  on  thine 
elbows  and  thy  knees,  from  age.  Thy 


102         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

head  must  of  the  lion  and  the  bird  partake, 
and  must  a  helmet  wear;  and  by  thy  side 
a  rusty  sword  must  hang,  with  scabbard, 
also  rusty  made  by  age.  Thy  hand  must 
hold  an  ancient  spear  with  spearhead 
msty  from  decay,  and  on  thine  arm  a 
shield.  In  fact,  O  Ancestor,  I  would  have 
thee  perfect  as  of  yore! " 

Immediately  the  ghost-like  figure  became 
armored  after  Columbiason's  desire,  and 
stood  before  him,  an  image  after  his  own 
mind.  The  head  was  that  of  a  goose,  with 
lion's  mane,  and  on  the  crown  was  a  small 
helmet,  conforming  proportionately  as  to 
size. 

There  stood  the  figure,  perfectly  mo 
tionless,  as  if  awaiting  orders  to  move; 
then  it  exclaimed: 

"And  this  is  all  I  ever  left  to  my  pos 
terity!" 

"Nay!"  cried  Columbiason.  "Hast  thou 
no  virtues?" 

"Virtues  come  not  from  the  grave. 
They  are  living  things.  Thou  hast  not 
imparted  virtues  to  my  soul!"  replied  the 
armored  figure. 

"Why  should st  I  to  thee  give  virtues, 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         103 

knight,    that    to    posterity    I    must    be 
queath?"  inquired  Columbiason. 

"I  need  not  thy  virtues  in  my  tomb!" 
exclaimed  the  knight. 

"Nor  do  I  need  thine  own!"  replied  Co 
lumbiason. 

"True!  Thou  canst  get  on  well  with 
out  them! "  responded  the  knight. 

"Then  come!  Let  us  not  tarry  longer 
here!  The  tide  mounts  high  and  soon  thy 
grave  will  be  inundated  by  the  water  from 
the  sea!  Let  us  move  hence! "  said  Colum 
biason. 

"Then,  ere  I  move  these  knees,  oil  must 
thou  get  without  delay ;  for  thou  hast  made 
my  joints  as  if  solidified  from  the  rust  of 
ages,"  replied  the  armored  petrified  ashes 
of  the  past. 

Columbiason  stood  aghast !  The  tide  was 
nearly  high  and  close  upon  him ;  the  rising 
clouds  and  mist  had  quite  obscured  the 
face  of  the  moon,  and  his  ancestor  could 
not  move  an  inch.  He  might  have  carried 
the  ghost  without  difficulty,  possibly,  but 
after  loading  it  down  with  a  mass  of  rusty 
armor-plate,  he  felt  that  a  struggle  was 
imminent.  The  tide  had  now  reached  the 
edge  of  the  grave;  the  grave-digger  had 


104          HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

climbed  out  upon  the  mud  and  sand  and 
stood  by  the  side  of  his  ancestor  in  the 
now  abysmal  darkness,  with  no  effulgent 
light  from  the  face  of  his  mother,  whom 
he  had  spurned,  to  make  his  pathway 
clear.  In  the  mean  time,  the  "British 
Lion,"  from  the  swell  of  the  sea,  heaved 
and  heaved  at  the  moorings  a  considerable 
distance  away;  and  the  Admiral,  who  had 
not  slept  a  wink,  was  pacing  the  deck  in  a 
state  of  anxiety,  wondering  whether  or 
not  to  start  out  upon  the  muddy  soil  in 
search  of  the  distinguished  absentee. 

To  have  to  struggle  with  one's  ancestors 
is  bad  enough  at  any  time,  but  to  struggle 
with  them  in  pitchy  darkness  is  immeasur 
ably  worse;  and  Columbiason  found  him 
self  in  a  dilemma  from  which  he  could, 
for  a  time,  see  no  way  to  extricate  himself. 
The  ancestor  was  absolutely  helpless,  and 
instead  of  becoming  an  aid,  in  the  nature 
of  which  most  people  regard  their  an 
cestors,  he  was  a  positive  burden.  Then, 
too,  the  horrible  thought  suggested  itself 
to  Columbiason  that  he  might  have  to 
bear  this  burden  during  the  remainder  of 
his  life,  and  it  was  with  difficulty  that  he 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         105 

succeeded  in  getting  rid  of  such  a  sugges 
tion. 

But  the  first  thing  to  be  accomplished 
was  the  removal  of  his  ancestor  from  the 
sepulchre  of  its  former  ashes,  and  there 
was  no  time  to  be  lost;  for,  even  while 
Columbiason  stopped  to  ponder  over  the 
burdensome  thoughts  that  beset  him,  the 
cruel  sea  washed  upon  and  completely 
covered  the  sepulchre,  although  in  the 
blackness  of  the  night  there  was  nothing 
to  indicate  the  inundation  but  the  gurgling 
of  the  water,  as  it  filled  the  excavation  and 
the  empty  sarcophagus  with  its  pure  white 
foam. 

Columbiason,  on  hearing  the  noise  of 
the  gurgling,  foaming  sea,  grabbed  his 
armor-plated  ancestor  at  the  instant  that 
the  briny  waters  of  the  sea  dashed  into 
the  grave,  and,  by  a  herculean  effort,  suc 
ceeded  in  bearing,  or  rather  pushing,  that 
worthy,  by  a  system  of  lifts  and  jumps, 
farther  upon  the  shore;  then  placing  him 
self  back  to  back  with  his  prize,  he  en 
deavored  successfully  to  raise  it  suffi 
ciently  high  from  earth  to  permit  him  to 
bear  it,  a  little  at  a  time,  in  a  direction, 


io6         HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

he  knew  not  where,  except  that  he  was 
sure  it  was  somewhere  on  "Spurn  Head," 
and  a  little  farther  from  the  sea,  whose 
roarings  now  appeared  more  distant.  He 
then  placed  his  ancestor  firmly  on  his  feet 
and  seated  himself  on  the  sand  for  a  mo 
ment  to  rest.  As  he  did  so  he  caught  a 
glimpse  of  a  little  red  light,  which  he  knew 
came  from  a  lantern  suspended  from  a 
mast  of  the  "British  Lion."  His  heart 
would  have  increased  its  beatings  from 
very  joy  at  the  sight  of  a  light  of  any  kind, 
but  he  regarded  the  little  red  light  as  a 
beacon-light  of  hope,  greater  than  one  feels 
after  a  long  absence  from  home  and  a 
strong  probability  of  a  speedy  home-com 
ing  ;  for  he  felt  as  if  he  were  suddenly  lifted 
from  the  tomb  and  borne  aloft  from  a  shore 
most  dreary  and  desolate.  The  little  light 
indeed  gave  him  renewed  courage,  and  he 
arose  quickly  and  impulsively  from  the 
sand  and,  seizing  his  ancestor  again,  as  if 
it  were  a  criminal  in  the  hands  of  a  deputy 
sheriff,  he  yanked  it  around  and  for  the 
second  time,  placing  its  back  against  his 
own,  raised  its  feet  from  the  sand  and  mud 
and  struggled  along,  stopping  not  until 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         107 

he  had  reached  the  shore  end  of  the  gang 
plank  of  the  "British  Lion;"  then,  weary 
and  exhausted  from  fatigue,  he  dropped 
his  ancestor  upon  its  feet  with  such  force 
that  it  staggered  and  would  have  fallen, 
had  not  the  Admiral,  who  was  on  the  shore 
about  to  start  in  search  of  the  missing  pos 
terity,  grabbed  it  by  its  armor-plate  and 
left  it  standing  firmly  on  its  feet  again. 

As  Columbiason  leaned  against  the  hand- 
bar  of  the  gang-plank  in  an  endeavor  to 
catch  his  breath,  the  Admiral,  after  ex 
pressing  his  delight  at  beholding  his  master 
again  safe  and  sound,  offered  to  have  the 
statue,  as  he  called  it,  carried  up  the 
plank  and  safely  stowed  away  on  board 
of  the  "Lion"  craft,  but  Columbiason  would 
not  listen  to  such  a  proposition,  saying 
that  it  was  difficult  enough  for  the  Ad 
miral  to  bear  his  own  burdens  and  he  would 
not  think  of  imposing  his  burdensome  an 
cestor  on  others.  So  saying,  back  to 
back  once  more  with  his  ancestral  prize, 
he  bore  it  up  the  gang-plank  and  to  his 
own  cabin,  aft  of  the  stately  craft,  where 
he  once  more  stood  it  on  its  feet;  then, 
seating  himself  on  a  downy  couch,  he  wiped 


io8         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

the  sweat  beads  from  his  massive  brow 
and  addressed  his  ancestor  thus: 

"O  ancestor!  I  have  rescued  thee  from 
thine  ashy  tomb  and  brought  thee  forth, 
a  burden  to  my  very  soul.  Thou  art,  no 
doubt,  a  lord,  or  perhaps,  a  duke  " 

"Whate'er  thou  wilt — a  baron,  if  'twill 
suit  thee  best!  "  interrupted  the  ancestor. 

"  Even  so,  as  I  have  taken  thee  from  bar 
ren  soil,"  ejaculated  Columbiason.  "Yet," 
he  continued,  "what  profiteth  it  me  to 
sweat  and  toil  for  thee  ? " 

"It  is  thy  choice,"  replied  the  ancestor, 
"to  be  my  willing  slave,  to  clothe  and  feed 
me  and  to  give  me  virtues  which  possess 
I  not.  This  very  sword  and  spear — aye, 
and  all  this  coat-of-mail  and  shield,  though 
stained  with  blood  of  innocence,  thou 
wouldst  exhibit  to  thy  friends  and  exalt 
me  high  for  valiant  deeds  of  yore!  No 
such  deeds  hast  thou  e'er  performed,  nor 
knowest  thou;  yet  thou  wouldst  steal  my 
thunder  from  the  ancient  past  and  make 
it  thine!" 

" Thou  art  but  mad! "  cried  Columbiason, 
arising  hurriedly  to  his  feet,  in  a  state  of 
agitation.  "  I  knew  not  of  thy  deeds,  nor 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         109 

brought  them  forth  to  make  them  mine! 
I  pretend  not  to  virtues  or  achievements 
which  possess  I  not! " 

"Then  tell  me,"  said  the  armored  baron, 
"why  thou  didst  bring  me  here?  The 
last  I  saw,  when  from  this  mortal  sphere 
I  took  my  leave,"  he  continued,  "were 
plains  and  hills  and  valleys,  barren  but 
for  straw-thatched  cottages  and  mammoth 
trees,  with  distant  castles  here  and  there, 
of  which  a  single  one  I  owned.  I  see 
them  now,  with  all  the  bloody  deeds  done 
in  the  past  to  'pease  my  wrath  and  make 
me  great;  yet  thou  wouldst  torment  my 
soul  and  hold  me  fast  encased  in  rusty 
armor  which  I  cannot  move,  to  'pease  thy 
vanity  and  thy  pride!  " 

Columbiason  looked  intently  upon  the 
speaking  effigy  of  his  hopes,  eagerly  catch 
ing  each  word  it  uttered;  then  stepping 
back,  he  exclaimed  in  a  tone  indicating 
solicitude  for  his  own  welfare : 

"  If  thou  couldst  walk  as  thou  canst 
talk,  I  fear  me  thou  wouldst  free  thyself 
at  my  expense!  'Tis  well  thy  lion's  head 
has  but  a  goose's  jaw!  At  gentle  in 
tervals  shall  I  lubricate  thy  joints  lest 
thou  forget  thy  present  dignity  and,  wan- 


no         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

dering  in  the  past,  now  restain  thine  arms 
with  the  blood  of  thy  posterity!  " 

"Fear  not!"  replied  the  ancient  baron. 
"If  thou  but  speak  the  word,  back  to  their 
resting-place  mine  ashes  shall  return,  my 
soul  to  leap  and  walk  again  amidst  the 
scenes  of  yore! " 

"Nay!  Nay!  Sir  knight,  or  duke,  or 
baron  that  thou  art,  I  pray  thee  stay!" 
cried  Columbiason,  kneeling  before  his  an 
cestor.  "  I  need  thee  and  thy  coat-of-mail 
and  all  thy  deeds!  I  swear  that  I  will  treat 
thee  well,  nor  quarrel  with  thee  more!" 
Then  arising  from  his  kneeling  position, 
he  said  "Come!  Thou  needest  rest!  Thou 
shalt  recline  upon  this  very  couch  in  sweet 
repose  until  the  sun  is  high." 

So  saying,  Columbiason  again  embraced 
his  ancestor,  and  by  another  series  of  lifts 
and  jumps,  managed  to  lay  the  iron-bound 
baron  upon  the  couch;  then,  overcome 
from  the  long  and  weary  hours  of  excite 
ment  and  exertion,  he  sank  into  an  easy 
chair  and  soon  fell  fast  asleep. 

Thus  we  will  leave  the  "British  Lion" 
and  its  precious  freight,  and  return  to 
record  the  doings  of  Madam  Columbiana 
and  the  committee  of  reception. 


CHAPTER  VIII 

THE    AMERICAN    NOBILITY 

Soon  after  the  departure  of  Columbiason 
for  the  distant  shore  of  his  ancestors, 
Madam  Columbiana  summoned  to  her 
presence  in  the  Columbiason  mansion,  the 
members  of  the  reception  committee  and 
the  distinguished  knights,  masters,  keepers, 
comptroller,  equerries,  etc.,  for  a  general 
understanding  and  conference  as  to  their 
various  duties,  of  which  she  was,  of  course, 
ignorant,  not  having  been  used  to  such 
things;  but  she  did  not  desire  to  expose 
her  ignorance  to  Count  Do  Little,  so  she 
concluded  not  to  request  his  appearance 
at  the  conclave,  which  was  to  be  held  in 
the  grand  drawing-room  of  the  palace. 

Of  course,  Madam  Columbiana  knew  it 
would  not  do  to  assemble  the  various  dig 
nitaries  of  the  creation  of  the  heads  of 
the  House  of  Columbiason,  clad  in  the 
ordinary  costumes  of  the  day;  nor  could 


112          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

she,  with  propriety,  appear  before  those 
dignitaries  in  such  ordinary  apparel.  She 
had  learned  a  few  things  from  her  hus 
band  before  he  took  his  departure  for 
the  mud  and  sand  of  "  Spurn  Head."  One 
of  these  things  was,  to  properly  bedeck 
herself  on  all  august  occasions,  and  an 
other  thing  was,  to  require  all  members  of 
the  household,  as  well  as  all  dignitaries,  to 
be  announced  in  due  form  before  they  ap 
peared  before  her.  She,  therefore,  pre 
pared  herself  accordingly,  and  issued  in 
structions  to  have  all  the  various  house 
hold  "officials"  and  the  members  of  the 
reception  committee  announced  to  her 
separately;  and  she  particularly  required 
that  all  of  those  dignitaries  should  be  clad 
in  costumes  becoming  their  various  sta 
tions. 

The  time  finally  arrived  for  the  meeting 
of  the  conclave,  and  the  two  dancing 
popinjays  formally  announced  the  various 
arrivals  in  good  style  and  danced  and 
scraped,  as  they  backed  themselves  out  of 
the  grand  entrance  of  the  drawing-room 
to  prepare  for  ushering  the  next  arrival 
into  the  presence  of  "Her  Madamhood." 


HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY          113 

Madam  Columbiana  was  handsomely 
costumed  in  a  long,  trailing  gown  of  a  sort 
of  brick-red  color,  with  a  bodice  of  the 
cross-bars  of  the  English  flag.  She  ap 
peared  quite  attractive  to  the  august 
spectators,  whose  salutations  she  was 
pleased  to  return  in  a  manner  that  tended 
to  bring  her  gorgeousness  more  particularly 
to  their  attention. 

The  members  of  the  reception  committee 
wore  knee  breeches  and  "claw-hammer" 
coats,  exposing  white  shirt  fronts,  on 
which  were  conspicuously  displayed  cross 
bars  of  the  English  flag.  Their  shoes 
were  low  cut,  with  silver  buckles  and 
black  ribbon  ties. 

The  Knight-Commander  of  the  Bath 
wore  knee  breeches  made  of  coarse  towel 
ing,  and  a  short,  white  coat,  cut  round 
about.  On  his  shirt  front  was  a  cake  of 
soap,  as  a  stud,  and  on  his  shoes,  in  the 
place  of  silver  buckles,  he  wore  good-sized 
though  neatly  arranged  sponges.  He  was 
dignified,  in  a  manner  becoming  his  sta 
tion.  His  sleeves  were  rolled  up,  as  if  he 
were  ready  for  action,  and  he  appeared 
to  win  the  esteem  of  all  the  members  of 


ii4          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

the  distinguished  council  by  his  dignified 
bearing. 

The  Master  of  the  Rolls  was  attired  in 
a  becoming  suit  of  white  duck  trousers, 
cut  straight  across  at  the  knees,  from 
which  were  suspended  white  stockings, 
held  in  position  by  equally  becoming  rib 
bons  of  white  satin,  in  the  nature  of  garters, 
which  were  delicately  bowed  with  safety- 
pins.  His  shoes,  or  rather,  slippers,  were 
also  white,  and,  in  the  place  of  silver  shoe- 
buckles,  he  wore  something  resembling 
delicately  baked  rolls.  On  his  shirt-front 
he  wore  a  similar  roll  as  a  stud,  and  also, 
a  like  roll  as  a  top-knot  on  his  head.  His 
coat  was  white,  with  sleeves,  cut  some 
what  after  Chinese  fashion,  but  not  quite 
so  long,  thus  exposing  the  larger  portion 
of  his  arms,  which  had  been  made  snowy 
white  by  means  of  some  kind  of  powder 
resembling  flour. 

The  Knight  of  the  Garter  wore  a  red 
coat,  the  sleeves  of  which  were  made  of 
garters  of  various  colors,  neatly  sewed  to 
gether,  and  growing  smaller  at  the  wrists. 
His  trousers  were  made  of  garters  after 
the  fashion  of  the  sleeves  and  came  to  a 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         115 

point  just  above  the  knees,  where  they 
were  loosely  banded.  Around  his  waist 
was  a  handsome  garter-like  belt,  with  a 
buckle  on  the  side,  and  drawn  sufficiently 
tight  to  permit  the  lower  portion  of  the 
coat  to  project  below  the  hips,  after  the 
fashion,  somewhat,  of  an  ancient  hoop- 
skirt — an  effect  very  pleasing  to  the  eye, 
and  certainly  attractive.  His  slippers 
were  of  red  kid,  with  black  garter  buckles. 

The  Keeper  of  the  Seal  wore  a  seal-skin 
cape,  tight,  red  knee  breeches,  with  small 
seal-skin  caps  over  the  knees,  and  tight 
skin-colored  stockings,  with  small,  deli 
cate  seal-skin  caps  suspended  from  the 
ankles  over  a  beautifully  polished  black 
shoe. 

The  Comptroller  of  the  Household  wore 
a  handsome  collar,  made  of  a  large  tin  pan, 
from  the  centre  of  which  was  delicately 
cut  a  hole,  through  which  his  head  had 
been  gently  protruded.  Numerous  tin 
handles  had  been  carefully  soldered  on  to 
the  pan  and  hung  gracefully  over  his 
shoulders;  and  to  make  the  attire  uniform 
in  that  particular,  similar  polished  tin 
pans  and  handles  were  neatly  fitted  over 


u6          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

the  knees  and  ankles  of  this  dignitary. 
The  coat  was  of  a  loosely-cut  pliable  fabric, 
resembling  "  circus  cloth,"  if  there  is  such 
a  thing;  and  the  effect  of  the  whole  cos 
tume,  under  a  brilliant  electric  light,  can 
well  be  imagined.  Indeed,  for  brilliancy 
the  attire  of  the  Comptroller  of  the  House 
hold  surpassed  the  costumes  of  any  thus  far 
referred  to. 

The  Knight-Bachelor  was  simply  a  bald- 
headed  man,  dressed  in  an  ordinary  black 
suit,  with  full  flowing  trousers  and  patent 
leather  shoes. 

The  Knight  of  the  Thistle  looked  the 
costume  to  perfection — simply  thistles, 
but  no  brilliancy. 

The  Equerry  and  the  Extra  Equerry 
were  dressed  alike.  Their  blond  hair 
flowed  over  their  shoulders,  which  were 
covered  by  leather  capes;  and  they  wore 
top  boots,  into  which  were  tucked,  from 
the  knees  down,  their  trousers,  made  of 
similar  substance. 

Of  course,  none  of  our  readers  will  be 
sacrilegious  enough  to  laugh  at  the  descrip 
tion  of  any  of  these  costumes  when  they 
stop  to  consider  the  fact  that  the  scene 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         117 

was  in  the  United  States,  and  that  none  of 
the  distinguished  personages  who  wore  the 
costumes  was  acquainted  with  the  high 
duties  of  the  office  which  he  was  so  sud 
denly  called  upon  to  fill ;  and  also,  that  the 
attire  of  every  one  had  to  be  conceived 
in  the  brains  of  each  for  the  particular 
occasion,  and  expressed  his  idea,  as  near 
as  possible,  of  the  nature  of  the  business 
into  which  he  was  about  to  embark. 

The  Master  of  the  Horse  was  ushered 
into  the  presence  of  Madam  Columbiana 
with  so  much  pomp  by  the  two  popinjays — 
due,  possibly,  to  his  gorgeous  wearing  ap 
parel — that  he  was,  at  first,  quite  over 
come  by  the  dignity  of  the  occasion,  but 
on  regaining  himself,  he  seemed  to  feel, 
more  than  ever,  his  dignity  and  to  make 
himself  conspicuously  pompous.  His  at 
tire  consisted  of  a  jockey-like  green- 
colored  coat  and  breeches,  the  latter  of 
which  were  cut  across  just  above  the  knees, 
nearly  up  to  which  rose,  like  an  eight-inch 
stove-pipe,  the  legs  of  a  mammoth  pair 
of  boots,  on  the  heels  of  which  were  spurs 
nearly  a  half  of  a  yard  in  length.  Over 
these  spurs,  the  two  lackey-like  popinjays 


n8          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

kept  tripping,  as  Master  Michael  Mul- 
tooney  (for  that  was  the  name  of  the  Mas 
ter  of  the  Horse)  strutted  around. 

As  the  said  ushers  finished  their  escorting 
duties  and  attempted  to  make  their  bow 
ing  and  dancing  exit  from  the  presence  of 
the  great  assemblage,  the  Master  of  the 
Horse,  in  attempting  to  turn  to  salute  Her 
Madamhood,  inadvertently  rendered  the 
occasion  less  dignified  by  causing  his  long 
spurs  to  come  into  collision  with  the  shins 
of  the  said  two  gentlemen  ushers,  thus 
precipitating  those  worthies  to  the  mosaic 
floor,  amid  a  suppressed  laughter  of  all  the 
dignitaries  present,  except  the  Master  of 
the  Rolls,  who  laughed  loud  and  boister 
ously,  much  to  the  annoyance  of  the 
Master  of  the  Horse.  In  fact,  he  laughed 
so  heartily  that  the  rolls  fell  from  his  shoes 
and  his  knee-caps  and  exhibited  them 
selves  rolls  indeed,  by  rolling  on  the  floor. 
This  caused  an  outburst  of  laughter  on  the 
part  of  the  Master  of  the  Horse,  partly 
because  it  struck  him  as  a  worthy  cause 
for  hilarity,  and  partly  in  reciprocation 
for  the  previous  open  breach  of  propriety 
on  the  part  of  his  former  rival  in  prece- 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY          119 

dency.  Not  a  word  was  spoken  by  any 
one,  of  course,  but  the  antics  of  the  two 
masters,  in  their  masterly  endeavor  to 
stifle  their  indignation  and  apparent  ani 
mosity  toward  each  other,  might  have 
been  quite  amusing  to  an  outsider. 

It  was  some  little  time  before  complete 
quiet  was  restored,  nor  would  calmness 
have  reigned  even  then  had  not  the  said 
ushers  suddenly  appeared  and  announced 
the  last  distinguished  arrivals  —  the 
"Knights  of  the  Fleece,"  who  were  soon 
escorted  in  a  body  before  Madam  Colum- 
biana  by  the  Master  of  Ceremonies,  who 
was  clad  in  a  gorgeous  purple  gown,  and 
who  held  in  his  hand  a  sort  of  wand  as  a 
symbol  of  authority,  or  assumed  power, 
over  the  assemblage. 

Madam  Columbiana  saluted  the  knights 
as  "  Most  Worthy  Knights  of  the  Fleece!  " 
and  all  eyes  were  naturally  turned  to  them, 
for  they  really  represented  the  wealth  of 
the  nation;  and  to  a  close  observer,  no 
little  amount  of  envy  and  jealousy  might 
have  been  noticeable  on  the  part  of  the 
less  prominent  persons  present;  but  this 
was  merely  an  exhibition  of  the  human 
nature  side  of  the  disgruntled. 


120         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

The  Knights  of  the  Fleece  courteously 
returned  the  salutation,  through  their 
leader,  the  Knight  of  the  Golden  Fleece, 
and  Madam  Columbiana  then  informed 
them  of  the  object  of  the  meeting,  namely, 
to  initiate  the  various  knights,  masters, 
etc.,  in  the  duties  of  their  positions. 
This  announcement  appeared  to  surprise 
the  Knights  of  the  Fleece,  who  looked  at 
one  another  in  astonishment,  and  the 
Knight  of  the  Golden  Fleece  turned  to  Her 
Madamhood  and  exclaimed,  in  a  stentorian 
tone  of  voice:  "  The  Knights  of  the  Fleece 
understand  their  business!"  The  sonor 
ous  response  rather  disconcerted  the 
Madam,  as  it  did  the  Master  of  Ceremonies. 
She,  however,  immediately  regained  her 
self-possession  and,  apologizing  for  having 
inadvertently  overlooked  the  fact  of  their 
knowledge  in  that  particular,  she  stated 
that  she  saw  no  reason  for  longer  detaining 
them,  but,  as  it  was  understood  that  they 
would  all  be  present  at  the  great  reception 
of  the  ancestral  ashes,  she  hoped  they 
would  not  disappoint  her.  One  of  the 
knights  responded  that,  as  there  was  no 
body  to  fleece,  he  did  not  see  why  their 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         121 

presence  should  be  expected;  that  there 
could  be  nothing  gained  by  fleecing  the 
ancestor  of  his  ashes.  The  madam  agreed 
with  the  worthy  knight  in  this,  although  she 
had  her  doubts  that  they  would  leave  any 
thing  untouched  that  happened  to  come  with 
in  reach  of  their  grasping  fingers.  She  sug 
gested,  however,  that  to  lend  dignity  to  the 
occasion,  the  "Knights-Fraternal"  make  it 
convenient  to  waive  every  other  considera 
tion  and  appear  at  the  reception.  To 
this  they  consented,  and  after  making  the 
usual  formal  courtesies  to  Her  Madam- 
hood,  they  turned  on  their  heels,  and,  headed 
by  the  two  master-ushers,  made  their  exit 
from  the  room,  much  to  the  gratification 
of  the  envious  dignitaries  who  remained. 

Detailed  descriptions  of  dress  are  usually 
wearisome,  and  it  is  not  our  intention  to 
burden  our  readers  with  such  descriptive 
matter;  but  the  unusual  attire  of  the 
Knights  of  the  Fleece  on  this  occasion 
will,  no  doubt,  render  a  brief  description 
of  it  interesting,  and  we  therefore  give  it. 

The  knights  were  headed  by  the  Knight 
of  the  Golden  Fleece,  who  was  most  gor 
geously  "caparisoned,"  we  might  say,  in 


122          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

a  costume  bespangled  with  gold  coins  of 
every  description,  linked  together  in  such 
a  way  as  to  obscure  every  other  part  of  his 
attire.  On  his  head  he  wore  a  cap  of 
American  gold  eagles,  coins  which  he  had 
captured,  or  of  which  he  had  fleeced  the 
many  whom  he  thought  not  entitled  to 
them.  His  feet  were  clad  in  golden  shoes, 
and  in  his  hand  he  held  a  golden  sceptre. 

The  Knight  of  the  Steely  Fleece  was 
clad  similarly  to  the  Knight  of  the  Golden 
Fleece,  except  that  his  apparel  was  of 
polished  steel,  and  on  his  feet  were  iron 
shoes,  while  in  his  hand  he  held  a  sceptre 
of  polished  steel.  On  his  head  he  wore  a 
cap  of  American  eagles  made  of  steel  in 
stead  of  gold,  into  which  they  had  not  yet 
been  transformed. 

The  Knight  of  the  Icy  Fleece  was  hand 
somely  attired  in  a  coat-of-mail,  made  of 
brilliant  material  resembling  ice,  cut  in 
cubes,  and  so  arranged  that  they  did  not 
move,  except  when  this  icy  knight  moved. 
The  covering  to  the  legs  was  of  the  knee- 
breeches  pattern,  composed  of  the  same 
apparently  icy  material,  cut  in  like  cubes, 
and  his  stockings,  although  composed  of  the 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY  123 

same  icy-looking  material,  had  the  appear 
ance  of  icicles,  hanging  closely  together. 
On  his  head  was  a  cap,  from  which  icicles 
hung  to  his  shoulders,  and  on  his  feet  were 
shoes  resembling  ice-cakes.  In  his  hand 
he  held  a  sceptre  of  ice,  resembling  a  large 
icicle. 

The  Knight  of  the  Glassy  Fleece  was 
costumed  in  beautiful  cubes  and  hexagon 
and  octagon- shaped  glasses  of  every  imag 
inable  color,  extending  clear  to  his  ankles, 
over  which  he  wore  small  concave  pieces  of 
glass,  resembling  electric-light  shades.  On 
his  head  he  wore  a  cap  made  after  the  pat 
tern  of  a  handsome  lamp-shade,  with  a 
lamp-chimney  protruding  from  the  centre. 
He  held  in  his  hand  a  sceptre  of  glass  of 
various  colors.  The  effect  of  the  electric 
lights  upon  the  knights  of  the  icy  and  glassy 
fleece  was  simply  indescribable. 

The  knight  of  the  Coaly  Fleece  wore  a 
costume  of  variously  cut  substance  resem 
bling  coal,  polished  like  black  diamonds. 
On  his  head  he  wore  a  cap,  made  cube-like, 
and  also  polished  like  a  piece  of  jet. 
His  shoes  were,  also,  of  jet-black  substance 
with  large  square  toes.  In  his  hand  he  held 
a  sceptre  of  coal. 


124          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

The  Knight  of  the  Rally  Fleece  wore  a 
high  hat  resembling  the  smoke-stack  of  a 
locomotive,  and  on  his  breast  was  a  loco 
motive  head-light.  His  sleeves  resembled 
locomotive  drivers,  and  on  the  side  of  each 
knee  was  a  small  car  wheel.  His  shoes 
resembled  short  pieces  of  iron  rail,  on  each 
of  which,  attached  from  the  ankles,  was  a 
small  wheel.  In  his  hand  he  held  a  sceptre 
resembling  an  iron  rail. 

The  Knight  of  the  Briny  Fleece  wore  a 
cap  resembling  a  small  steamship,  with 
small  white  sails,  full  set.  His  breast-plate 
consisted  of  a  pilot-wheel.  With  these 
exceptions  he  was  attired  in  the  garb  of  a 
sailor.  In  his  hand  he  held  a  telescope  as 
a  sceptre. 

The  Knight  of  the  Cereal  Fleece  appeared 
clad  in  a  shock  of  wheat,  bound  around  his 
waist,  his  head  protruding  above  and  his 
arms  through  it.  From  the  bottom  of  the 
shock  protruded  his  legs,  which  were 
covered  with  straw.  His  cap  consisted  of 
a  small  shock  of  corn,  and  in  his  hand  he 
held  a  large  ear  of  corn  as  a  sceptre. 

The  Knight  of  the  Fleshy  Fleece  wore 
a  cap  which  resembled  a  hog's  head.  On 


HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         125 

each  shoulder  was  a  small  bull's  head,  with 
two  short  horns.  His  coat  consisted  of  the 
fleecy  hide  of  a  lamb,  through  numerous 
holes  of  which  peeped  the  heads  of  those 
innocent  creatures.  His  shoes  were  orna 
mented  with  the  heads  of  two  roosters.  In 
his  hand  he  held  a  sceptre  consisting  of  the 
long  bone  of  a  lamb's  leg. 

The  Knight  of  the  Oily  Fleece  was  attired 
in  a  large  and  beautifully  polished  oil-can 
garment  as  a  body,  from  which  thin  legs, 
clad  in  polished  tin,  protruded.  His  cap 
consisted  of  a  small  oil-well  pump,  with  the 
framework,  and  in  his  hand  he  held  a  sceptre 
resembling  an  oil-pipe  tube. 

There  were  a  few  other  Knights  of  the 
Fleece  who  were  not  present,  but  there 
appeared  a  sufficient  number  of  them  to 
make  a  formidable  body  of  the  craft,  and 
their  costumes  shone  resplendent  in  the 
brilliant  rays  of  the  electric  light.  All  of 
the  knights  were  corpulent  and  appeared  to 
have  been  well  fed,  although  some  appeared 
more  corpulent  than  others,  according  to 
the  extent  of  their  fleecing  proclivities. 


CHAPTER  IX 

THE    FIRST    CREATION 

After  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece  had  taken 
their  departure,  Madam  Columbiana  reques 
ted  the  Master  of  Ceremonies  to  proceed 
with  such  instructions  as  might  be  necessary 
to  insure  the  success  of  the  reception.  The 
worthy  master  bowed  low  and  immediately 
called  the  meeting  to  order.  He  then 
addressed  the  antediluvian  Pantomime 
Decanter,  as  Chairman,  or  Chief  of  the 
Reception  Committee,  and  requested  him 
to  call  the  roll  of  the  Committee  and  to 
report  as  to  its  efficiency.  The  great 
head  of  the  said  Committee  proceeded  to 
comply  with  the  request,  more  in  a  panto 
mime  sort  of  way  than  otherwise,  on 
account  of  his  extreme  age;  and  the  report 
being  satisfactory,  the  Committee  was 
excused  to  await  the  next  summons,  and 
made  its  exit,  headed  by  its  Chief,  and 
conducted  by  the  two  usher-dignitaries. 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY          127 

Madam  Columbiana  then  informed  the 
Master  of  Ceremonies  that  she  had  been 
apprised  from  a  most  reliable  source  that 
the  Equerry  and  Extra  Equerry  must  be  a 
nobleman;  she  therefore  instructed  him  to 
ascertain  whether  or  not  the  gentlemen 
appointed  to  those  positions  fulfilled  the 
conditions  of  their  appointments  in  that 
respect.  The  Master  of  Ceremonies  took 
the  liberty  to  reply  that  the  fulfillment  of 
those  conditions  would  necessitate  other 
conditions,  requiring  all  the  dignitaries 
whose  horses  were  entrusted  to  the  equer 
ries  to  also  be  noblemen ;  and  as  the  Repub 
lic  had  thus  far  possessed  itself  of  foreign 
noblemen  only,  and  those  by  marriage  with 
its  monarchically  inclined  daughters,  he 
was  at  a  loss  to  conceive  how  this  was  to  be 
effected,  because,  as  he  said,  the  foreign 
nobles  had  become  partially  domesticated  by 
those  marriages,  and  domestic  nobles  would 
not  answer  the  purpose  of  the  great  Head 
of  the  House  of  Columbiason,  who,  as  he 
understood,  desired  to  surround  himself 
with  only  the  pure  breed. 

This  important  information  from  the 
Master  of  Ceremonies  very  much  embar- 


128          HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

rassed  Madam  Columbiana,  and  she  regretted 
that,  however  much  she  might  expose  her 
ignorance  of  the  subject  in  hand,  she  would 
be  obliged  to  appeal  to  Count  Do  Little  for 
assistance  in  solving  the  great  problem 
before  her.  She,  therefore,  dispatched  a 
messenger  for  that  worthy  and  genuinely 
"noble"  individual. 

The  "Count"  was  soon  announced  and 
appeared  before  Her  Madamhood,  clad  in  a 
short  bob-tail  coat,  with  a  belt  drawn  so 
tight  that  the  bottom  of  the  coat  expanded 
like  a  pair  of  small  old-fashioned  hoops, 
such  as  the  women  used  to  wear  way  back 
in  the  nineteenth  century.  His  trousers, 
not  being  sufficiently  long  to  warrant  their 
being  turned  up  at  the  bottoms  of  the 
legs,  had  been  regulated  to  drop  far  enough 
to  enable  "His  Dignity"  to  comply  with 
this  English  "turn-up"  custom,  thus  caus 
ing  the  seat  of  his  trousers  to  drop  con 
siderably  below  the  edge  of  the  bob-tail 
coat.  Of  this  he  was,  of  course,  oblivious, 
but  his  appearing  thus  inartistically  clad 
was  the  cause  of  no  little  amusement  among 
the  members  of  the  celebrated  "  council, " 
into  whose  presence  the  count  had  been 
ceremoniously  conducted  by  the  ushers. 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY          129 

Madam  Columbiana  informed  the  Count 
of  her  dilemma  and  implored  him  to  suggest 
some  way  in  which  the  difficulty  might  be 
overcome,  stating  at  the  same  time  that 
she  was  anxious  to  retain  the  equerries,  in 
compliance  with  her  husband's  especial 
request  so  to  do.  The  Count  replied  that 
he  was  an  Englishman  and  loyal  to  the 
King,  to  whom  he,  as  well  as  all  other 
subjects  of  his  Majesty's  realm,  had  taken 
the  oath  of  allegiance,  and  he  could  not  see 
how  such  subjects  could  transfer  to  a 
republic  such  allegiance  without  relinquish 
ing  their  rights  under  His  Majesty's  domin 
ions.  He  agreed  with  the  Master  of  Cere 
monies,  who  was  also  a  British  subject,  that 
a  foreign  nobleman  could  not  be  domesti 
cated  in  a  republic  merely  by  marriage,  and 
stated  that  he  felt  sure  no  citizen  of  a 
republic  could  expect  him  so  to  be. 

The  Count  then  went  on  to  say  that  he, 
of  course,  realized  the  intensity  of  the 
craving  of  the  country  of  Columbiason  for 
foreign  nobles,  and  that  he  had  no  doubt 
His  Majesty  would  permit  as  many  of  those 
stars  of  the  earth  to  meteorize  through  the 
Republic  as  might  be  thought  necessary  to 


130          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

meet  the  requirements  of  the  ladies  who 
desired  to  follow  their  trail  with  matri 
monial  intentions  and,  with  a  view  to  a 
permanent  location,  with  their  money,  on 
foreign  soil,  where  the  money  would,  of 
course,  readily  be  domesticated. 

Her  Madamhood  seemed  much  impressed 
with  what  the  Count  had  said,  but  seemed 
to  think  that  home  nobles  might,  with  pro 
priety,  be  created  to  meet  the  requirements 
of  the  special  occasion  in  question,  and  she 
took  the  liberty  to  inquire  of  the  Count 
what  there  was  to  prevent  such  creations. 

The  Count  replied  that  only  the  King 
could  create,  but  she  might  appoint  His 
Majesty's  subjects  to  positions  and  permit 
them  to  call  themselves  by  whatsoever 
titles  they  wished,  which  titles  would 
answer  very  well  in  her  own  country,  but 
would  not,  of  course,  be  recognized  in  His 
Majesty's  realm;  and  he  thought  that  such 
a  proceeding  might  serve  the  purpose  of  the 
nobility-inclined  until  the  establishment  of 
a  permanent  "American  Nobility,"  which 
he  thought  only  a  question  of  a  little  time, 
from  the  way  things  looked. 

Madame    Columbiana    was    exceedingly 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         131 

gratified  to  learn  of  her  nobility-appointing 
powers  and  at  once  dispatched  the  Master 
of  Ceremonies  for  her  "crown" — an  orna 
mental  top-piece  which  she  had  made  to 
be  worn  on  the  occasion  of  her  husband's 
coming  creation  of  "lord"  by  the  great 
English  monarch,  which  event  she  knew,  of 
course,  would  soon  follow  the  return  of 
Columbiason  from  "Spurn  Head." 

In  good  time  the  Master  of  Ceremonies 
appeared,  carrying  the  "crown"  and  pre 
ceded  by  the  two  lackey-like  ushers,  while 
two  pages  followed,  holding  the  Master's 
train.  He  approached  Her  Madamhood 
and  extended  both  of  his  hands,  holding 
the  crown,  which  she  grasped  with  the 
greatest  avidity,  and  placing  it  on  her  head, 
she  arose  with  pompous  dignity.  Then, 
glancing  at  the  British  subjects  before  her, 
she  overlooked  the  little  matter  of  Demo 
cratic  propriety,  in  her  anxiety  to  perform 
the  needful  appointing  ceremony,  and 
saluted  all  present  as  "My  Subjects!"  To 
this  they  all  took  exception  by  exclaiming 

in  unison  "  O ! "      Her  Madamhood  at 

once  took  notice  of  their  dissatisfaction  and 
corrected  herself  by  saying,  "  Pardon  me — 
I  meant  my  subjects  by  appointment." 


132         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

This  only  brought  forth  another  evidence 
of  dissatisfaction  on  the  part  of  those  present 
by  their  instant  exclamation  "No!  No!" 
much  to  the  embarrassment  of  the  appoint 
ing  power,  who  again  corrected  herself  by 
exclaiming,  "Again  I  most  humbly  beg  the 
pardon  of  my  subjects — I  mean  of  my 
friends — I  meant  to  say  My  Employees 
by  Appointment!"  This  seemed  to  satisfy 
all  of  the  dignitaries,  who  bowed  low,  in 
recognition  of  their  subordination. 

Her  Madamhood  then,  addressing  her 
"Employees  by  Appointment,"  informed 
them  of  the  state  of  ecstatic  bliss  in  which 
she  had  been  permitted  to  find  herself  on 
being  the  first  and  only  American  on  whom 
the  honor  had  fallen  to  confer,  in  her  own 
country,  the  title  of  "  Nobility  by  Appoint 
ment."  That  she  naturally  felt  no  little 
sense  of  pride  on  the  occasion,  could,  she 
said,  be  better  appreciated  by  all  those 
present  when  she  informed  them  that  the 
honor  had  come  to  her  during  the  absence 
in  "dear  old  England"  of  the  Head  of  the 
House  of  Columbiason,  who,  but  for  his 
absence,  would,  doubtless,  have  performed 
the  high  and  honorable  duties  about  to 
devolve  upon  her  own  head. 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         133 

The  Equerry  and  the  Extra  Equerry  were 
then  summoned  before  her  Madamhood, 
and  she  announced  to  them  that,  in  order 
for  them  to  properly  perform  the  duties 
of  their  offices,  the  honor  had  been  imposed 
upon  her  of  appointing  them  "nobles,"  and 
that,  after  much  thought  and  deliberation, 
she  had  concluded  to  "  Count "  the  Equerry 
and  to  "Knight"  the  Extra  Equerry. 
This  announcement  brought  forth  a  protest 
from  the  Master  of  the  Horse,  who  suggested 
to  Madam  Columbiason  that,  as  he  was 
Master  of  that  animal,  he  thought  he  should 
be  first  to  receive  the  honor  of  "titlehood," 
as  he  called  it,  and  if  not,  he  should  cer 
tainly  receive  a  higher  title  than  either  of 
the  gentlemen  of  the  equerry  persuasion, 
and  not  be  required  to  play  "  second  fiddle  " 
to  either  of  them. 

To  say  that  Her  Madamhood  felt  cha 
grined  at  this  unprecedented  interruption 
from  Michael  Multooney,  the  Master  of  the 
Horse,  who  had  been  promoted  to  his  high 
position  from  an  ordinary  groom,  would 
not  half  express  her  feelings.  However, 
she  was  not  sure  whether  the  said  master 
or  the  equerries  had  precedence  under  the 


I34          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

English  rules;  and  to  title  the  latter  with  a 
superior  degree  to  the  former,  if  they  were 
not  entitled  to  precedence,  would,  she  knew, 
be  a  breach  which  could  not  well  be 
repaired  and  would  lay  her  actions  open  to 
severe  criticism.  She  was,  therefore,  again 
obliged  to  consult  "His  Dignity,"  the 
Count,  who  enlightened  her  on  the  subject 
by  stating  that  the  Master  of  the  Horse 
was  quite  a  noted  dignitary  in  His  Majesty's 
realm  and  preceded  even  the  Master  of  the 
Rolls  by  a  considerable  degree,  as  well  as 
the  Knights  of  the  Garter,  and  the  sons  of 
viscounts,  earls  and  barons;  that  even  the 
Secretary  of  State,  if  a  baron,  was  preceded 
by  such  master;  and  so  far  as  the  Equerry 
and  an  Extra  Equerry  were  concerned,  they 
were  much  below  the  Master  of  the  Horse 
in  station.  He  thought,  therefore,  that  it 
would  be  proper  to  first  appoint  the  latter 
a  nobleman  and  then,  unless  the  Knight  of 
the  Garter  and  the  Master  of  the  Rolls 
objected — which  they  would  have  a  perfect 
right  to  do — the  equerries  might  be  given 
precedence  over  them;  that  he  thought, 
however,  the  rules  of  precedence  should  be 
strictly  observed,  if  possible;  for  there  was 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY          135 

no  telling  when  the  Republic  would  come 
under  the  rules,  and  he  thought  those  rules 
might  as  well  be  familiarized  and  observed 
so  as  to  avoid  unpleasant  conditions  in 
future. 

The  Count  then  suggested  the  propriety 
of  awaiting  the  return  of  Columbiason  to 
his  native  land  before  the  great  title- 
appointing  fete  should  be  undertaken,  but 
to  this  suggestion  Madam  Columbiana 
would  not  listen.  The  nobility-appointing 
duty  was,  she  said,  a  great  and  responsible 
one,  and  she  knew  that  her  husband  would 
be  too  much  absorbed  in  other  more  impor 
tant  duties  on  his  return  to  undertake  it. 

In  the  mean  time  the  Master  of  the  Horse 
was  getting  impatient,  if  not  a  little  greener 
from  envy,  and  he  took  the  liberty  to  state 
that,  from  the  dignity  of  his  position,  he 
thought  he  was  entitled  to  the  degree  of 
"lord,"  as  he  called  it. 

Madam  Columbiana  was  righteously  in 
dignant  at  this  open  and  daring  bid  from  the 
master-appointed  groom  for  actual  equality 
with  her  husband,  the  great  Head  of  the 
House  of  Columbiason,  who  was  to  be 
created  such  a  dignitary  on  his  return  by 


136         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

His  Royal  Majesty,  the  King  of  Great 
Britain  and  Ireland  and  Emperor  of  all  the 
Indias,  and  she  informed  the  Master  of  the 
Horse  that  such  preferment  for  him  was 
entirely  out  of  the  question;  that  there 
would  be  but  one  native  "lord"  in  the 
Republic,  and  he  would  be  her  own  husband, 
and  she  regretted  that  any  of  her  subjects 
— Employees  by  Appointment — should  be 
so  presumptuous  as  to  demand  so  high  an 
honor. 

After  the  excitement  attending  the  pre 
sumptuous  bid  for  superior  honors  by  the 
Master  of  the  Horse  had  subsided,  Her 
Madamhood  informed  that  dignitary  that, 
while  she  would  have  the  honor  of  being 
the  nobility-appointing  power,  he  also 
would  have  the  honor  of  being  the  first 
person  in  the  land  to  receive  the  appoint 
ment  of  nobleman;  and  that  he  should 
thenceforth  be  known  as  "  Knight-Master 
of  the  Horse,"  which  she  thereby  appointed 
him.  She  then  descended  from  the 
slightly  raised  platform  on  which  she  was 
standing,  and  binding  a  short  sword  upon 
him,  she  informed  him  that,  in  bestowing 
so  great  an  honor  upon  him,  it  became  her 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         137 

painful  duty  to  conform  to  the  ancient 
custom  by  smiting  him  on  the  cheek,  as 
the  last  affront  which  he  was  ever  to  re 
ceive  unrequited.  So  saying,  Her  Madam- 
hood  dealt  the  Knight- Master  of  the  Horse 
a  smart  blow  on  the  cheek  and  told  him 
that  he  should  thenceforth  be  addressed 
"Sir  Knight,"  and  that  his  wife  should 
thenceforth  be  known  in  the  line  of  pre 
cedency  as  "Dame  Mistress  of  the  Horse." 
The  newly  appointed  knight  then  took 
an  oath,  by  raising  his  right  hand  and  de 
claring,  in  the  presence  of  all  the  distin 
guished  personages,  that  he  would  ever 
maintain  the  dignity  of  his  office  by  the 
proper  protection  and  care  of  the  horse. 
He  then  turned  to  the  Master  of  Cere 
monies  and  inquired  of  him  wherein  he, 
as  the  newly  appointed  Knight-Master  of 
the  Horse,  was  superior  to  the  other 
knights  who  were  present.  The  great  Mas 
ter  of  Ceremonies  was,  to  his  joy,  relieved 
of  the  responsibility  of  instructing  the  new 
knight  on  that  subject,  by  the  Count,  who 
condescended  to  inform  the  knight  that 
the  horse  was  the  most  noble  of  animals, 
and  that  any  person  who  took  proper  care 


138         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

of  that  animal  was  entitled  to  be  called  a 
nobleman,  outside  of  any  appointing  or 
creating  power  through  which  he  might 
receive  such  a  title;  and  also,  that  the 
horse  was  a  powerful  animal  and  it  re 
quired  more  power  to  control  him  than 
was  required  by  the  other  knights,  who 
were  supposed  to  know  much  less  than  he 
about  the  care  of  horses. 

This,  coming  from  the  Count,  seemed  to 
satisfy  the  Knight-Master  of  the  Horse, 
who  swung  his  spurs  around  and  strutted 
back  to  his  place  in  the  grand  assembly  as 
if  he  were  the  "  most  important  personage 
on  record,"  as  he  was  afterwards  heard  to 
refer  to  himself. 

In  the  meantime,  the  Master  of  Cere 
monies,  being  somewhat  of  a  poet,  had 
prepared  himself  with  a  laurel  wreath, 
which  he  had  kept  concealed  beneath  his 
gown;  and  feeling  himself  on  terms  with 
Her  Madamhood  sufficiently  familiar  to 
warrant  it,  made  application  for  the  title 
of  "Poet  Laureate,"  giving  as  a  reason  for 
his  request  that  his  position,  as  Master  of 
Ceremonies,  would  often  necessitate  poetical 
effusions  of  instantaneous  manufacture, 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY          139 

of  which  he  was  capable.  He  also  re 
quested  that  the  word  "Grand"  be  added 
to  his  title  to  distinguish  him  from  any 
assistants  which  he  might  be  obliged  to 
employ  in  the  performance  of  his  duties. 
This  request  was  readily  granted  by  Her 
Madamhood  and  the  said  master  produced 
the  wreath  which  she  placed  upon  his  head, 
as  she  pronounced  him  "Grand  Master  of 
Ceremonies,  Poet  Laureate,"  thus  grati 
fying  the  highest  aspirations  of  that  worthy 
master. 

Madam  Columbiana  then  stated  that 
Count  Do  Little  had  carefully  prepared 
a  "priority"  list,  which  she  would  read, 
so  that  the  august  assembly  might  know 
exactly  the  line  of  precedency  which  each 
member  was  to  take  on  all  solemn  and 
festive  occasions.  She  then  read  as  fol 
lows: 

"  First  in  line  of  precedency,  Pantomime 
Decanter,  the  Chief  or  Chairman  of  the  Com 
mittee  of  Receptions,  and  his  Committee. 

"Second.  The  Treasurer  of  the  House 
hold  and  his  wife. 

"Third.  The  Comptroller  of  the  House 
hold  and  his  wife. 


140         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

"Fourth.     The     Knight-Master    of    the 
Horse  and  his  wife. 

"Fifth.  The  Knight  of  the  Garter  and 
his  wife. 

"  Sixth.  The  Master  of  the  Rolls  and  his 
wife. 

"Seventh.  The  Knight  of  the  Thistle 
and  his  wife. 

"Eighth.  The  Knight-Commander  of 
the  Bath  and  his  wife. 

' '  Ninth.     The  Knight-Bachelor. 

"Tenth.  The  Companions  of  the  Bath 
and  their  wives. 

"Eleventh.     Gentlemen  and  their  wives. 

"Twelfth.  The  Equerry  and  the  Extra 
Equerry." 

Her  Madamhood  then  resumed  her  seat 
and  the  "Grand  Master  of  Ceremonies, 
Poet  Laureate,"  instructed  the  various 
dignitaries  in  the  line  of  their  duties;  the 
Treasurer  of  the  Household  to  take  charge 
of  and  account  for  all  the  funds  of  the 
household;  the  Comptroller  of  the  House 
hold  to  have  charge  and  control  of  all 
the  implements,  utensils  and  other  neces 
sary  kitchen  ware  and  household  furni 
ture;  the  Knight-Master  of  the  Horse  to 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         141 

take  charge  of  and  care  for  the  horses  of 
the  household;  the  Knight  of  the  Garter 
to  keep  himself  well  supplied  with  garters 
of  various  descriptions  and  to  supply  them 
on  application;  the  Master  of  the  Rolls 
to  supply  rolls  to  the  household,  when  re 
quired.  The  Knight  of  the  Thistle  to  keep 
himself  well  supplied  with  thistles  of  every 
description,  and  to  supply  them  when,  in  his 
judgment,  it  should  be  necessary  to  do  so ; 
the  Knight-Commander  of  the  Bath  to  keep 
himself  well  supplied  with  baths  and  to 
furnish  them  to  others  when  occasion  re 
quired;  the  Knight-Bachelor  to  wait  up 
on  the  other  knights  and  assist  them  in 
the  performance  of  their  duties  when  re 
quired  ;  the  Equerry  and  the  Extra  Equer 
ry  to  have  the  care  and  use  of  all  horses 
of  the  nobility  as  soon  as  a  full  line  of  that 
article  could  be  decided  upon  and  ap 
pointed,  which  would,  the  master  thought, 
probably  occur  after  the  return  to  the  Re 
public  of  the  Head  of  the  House  of  Colum- 
biason.  The  great  master  then  stated  that 
pending  such  further  appointments,  the 
Equerry  and  the  Extra  Equerry  would  be 
obliged  to  care  for  only  the  horse  in  charge 


142          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

of  the  Knight-Master  of  the  Horse,  who, 
so  far,  was  the  only  nobleman  in  the  empire, 
or  rather  (correcting  himself)  in  the  Re 
public. 

Of  course,  this  announcement  caused 
the  Knight-Master  of  the  Horse  to  realize, 
more  fully  than  ever,  the  importance  of  his 
position;  and,  in  a  manner  not  less  im 
portant,  he  beckoned  to  the  Equerry  and 
his  "Extra,"  around  whom,  on  their 
appearing  before  him,  he  strutted  in  his 
long  spurs,  as  he  instructed  them  in  the 
duties  which  he  desired  each  to  perform. 

The  Grand  Master  then  announced  that 
he  would  in  due  time  review  the  assembly, 
and  would  duly  inform  the  various  dig 
nitaries,  before  the  arrival  of  Columbiason 
with  the  ancestral  ashes,  when  he  might  be 
expected,  so  that  they  would  have  ample 
time  to  prepare  themselves  for  the  great 
reception. 

The  two  ushers  then  reappeared  and 
aided  the  great  assembly  in  making  its 
exit,  taking  extra  precautions  to  avoid 
the  long  spurs  of  the  great  Knight- Master 
of  the  Horse. 

When  Madam  Columbiana  found  herself 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY          143 

alone,  she  removed  the  crown  from  her 
head,  and  arising,  held  it  before  her  with 
an  evident  feeling  of  great  admiration. 
She  then  kissed  it  and  made  her  exit  from 
the  hall  in  a  state  of  the  most  exalted  satis 
faction  with  herself,  and  with  the  manner 
in  which  she  had  fulfilled  the  great  obliga 
tions  which  she  had  been  called  upon  to 
perform. 


CHAPTER   X 

THE    LETTER   TO    THE    KING 

The  sun  had  risen  high  in  the  heavens 
and  its  golden  rays  were  reflecting  them 
selves  through  the  variegated  window-panes 
of  Columbiason's  yacht  upon  his  revivified 
ancestor,  who  was  struggling  to  arise  from 
the  downy  couch  upon  which  he  had  been 
placed  by  his  most  illustrious  and  modern 
posterity,  when  the  latter  awoke  from  his 
peaceful  slumber  in  his  easy  chair,  and 
after  rubbing  his  eyes,  espied  his  ancestor 
struggling  with  himself  in  a  vain  effort  to 
arise,  as  he  thought,  from  his  horizontal 
position. 

"Your  Grace  seemeth  to  be  uneasy; 
didst  thou  not  rest  well?"  he  inquired  of 
the  struggling  armor-plate,  which  was  about 
all  he  could  see  of  the  image. 

"Why  doth  my  posterity  call  me 
'Grace'"?  inquired  the  ancestor.  "Dost 
thou  think,"  he  continued,  "that  there  is 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         145 

anything  graceful  in  thine  ancestor's  being 
bound  in  a  rusty  coat-of-mail  and  ham 
pered  in  his  attempts  to  arise  to  prevent 
the  light  of  the  sun  from  blinding  his 
eyes?" 

"Nay!  Be  the  acts  of  mine  ancestor 
however  disgraceful,  he  must  still  be 
'Grace,'  since  custom  makes  it  so,"  re 
plied  Columbiason.  "But,"  he  continued, 
"  thy  posterity  will  save  thine  eyes  and  ease 
thy  weary  bones  by  standing  thee  upon 
thy  feet,  since  a  sitting  posture  thou  canst 
not  assume,  and  he  will  let  thee  behold 
the  glory  of  the  sun  at  longer  range,  with  a 
shade  before  thine  orbits."  Then  arising, 
he  grappled  with  his  ancestor  once  more 
and  succeeded,  after  considerable  diffi 
culty,  in  placing  him  upon  his  feet,  the 
latter  still  being  unable  to  withdraw  his 
left  arm  from  the  heavy,  rusty  shield,  or 
let  go  of  the  spear,  which  appeared  to  act 
as  a  support  to  aid  him  in  maintaining  a 
firm,  standing  position. 

"There!"  said  Columbiason,  after  be 
holding  his  ancestor  in  good  standing  with 
himself,  "the  centuries  of  rest  which  thou 
hast  had  will  doubtless  make  thy  standing 


146          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

easy  for  awhile!"  So  saying,  he  sank 
back  into  the  easy  chair  from  which  he 
had  arisen,  and  facing  his  ancestor,  pro 
ceeded  to  interrogate  him  thus: 

"  I  have,  Your  Grace,  been  ill  at  ease  for 
some  time  past,  about  my  family  tree; 
canst  thou  inform  me  where  it  taketh 
root,  that  I  may  know  its  pedigree?" 

The  ancestor  replied:  "When,  from 
yonder  distant  hills,  some  centuries  since, 
I  took  my  leave,  the  family  tree — a  roosting 
place  for  birds — stood  towering  to  the  sky ; 
and  from  its  branches,  bending  low,  from 
weight  of  many  fowl,  sweet  music  came — 
a  pleasure  to  mine  ear — that  in  me  'woke 
a  spirit  of  reverence  and  filled  my  soul 
with  joy.  Yet,  'neath  the  shadow  of  that 
tree,  at  noon  and  eventide,  I  lay  and  passed 
the  time  away  in  dreams  of  conquest  of  my 
fellow-men,  that  sped  me  on,  this  sword 
and  spear  and  coat  of  mail  with  blood  to 
stain,  till  in  remorse,  I  asked,  in  vain,  from 
the  shadow  of  that  tree  my  very  soul  to 
free!" 

"  'Tis  well!"  said  Columbiason,  and 
placing  his  hand  to  his  brow,  he  continued: 
"  My  ancestor  truly  corroborates  the  in- 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY          147 

vestigation  of  the  great  college  of  heraldry. 
The  family  tree  a  roosting  place  for  birds, 
one  of  which  I  am  fully  persuaded  be 
longs  to  me — Columbiason — thy  posterity 
— the  son  of  Columbia!  Yes;  a  bird  on 
the  limb  of  a  tree!  My  pedigree  is  clear, 
beyond  the  shadow  of  a  doubt — proven  by 
the  very  ancestor  who  owned  the  tree!" 
Then  arising  from  his  easy  chair,  Colum 
biason  exclaimed,  half  to  himself  and  half 
aloud:  "I  shall  at  once  type  a  letter  to 
His  Majesty  the  King  of  Great  Britain 
and  the  'Emperor  of  Ireland/  and  of  all 
the  Indias,  and  shall  apply  for  the  honor 
to  which  I  am  justly  entitled  as  the  pos 
terity  of  mine  ancestor! " 

Having  thus  addressed  himself,  he  cour 
teously  thanked  his  ancestor  for  the  im 
portant  information  which  he  had  im 
parted  and,  touching  a  button,  summoned 
a  stenographer,  who  immediately  ap 
peared,  and  to  whom  he  dictated  a  long 
and  touching  epistle  to  the  British  King, 
the  substance  of  which  letter  was  that, 
having  traced  his  ancestry  and  satisfied 
himself  of  the  validity  of  his  right  to 
title,  worthy  of  his  ancestral  predomi- 


148          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

nance,  he  most  respectfully  applied  for 
the  "position  of  lord,"  which  position  he 
would  be  pleased  to  receive  as  early  as 
His  Majesty's  convenience  would  permit. 
He  begged,  however,  that  His  Majesty 
hasten  that  convenience  by  sending  the 
title  papers  forward  by  an  early  mail,  in 
order  that  he  might  receive  them  as  early 
as  possible  after  his  return  to  his  own 
country.  After  closing  his  letter  with  the 
usual  "Your  most  humble  and  obedient 
subject,"  etc.,  he  touched  another  button 
which  was  answered  by  a  waiter,  from 
whom  he  ordered  breakfast  for  two. 

Just  before  the  breakfast  was  brought  in, 
Columbiason  signed  the  letter  to  the  king 
and  directed  to  have  it  posted  at  once,  so 
it  could  be  on  its  way  to  His  Majesty  by 
the  time  the  "  British  Lion  "  left  the  native 
shore  of  his  ancestor.  He  then  summoned 
the  Admiral  and,  after  introducing  him 
personally  to  his  ancestor,  whom,  with  the 
consent  of  that  antiquated  evidence  of 
former  existence,  he  designated  as  "  Baron 
Spurn,"  he  gave  orders  to  head  the  "Brit 
ish  Lion  "  for  home  and  start  for  that  for 
eign  land  (as  he  inadvertently  called  his 
country),  without  delay. 


HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         149 

Soon  after  the  Admiral's  departure, 
which  happened  immediately  on  the  receipt 
of  his  orders  to  weigh  anchor,  two  waiters 
entered  the  cabin  and  took  their  respective 
places,  one  behind  Columbiason  and  the 
other  behind  the  chair  in  front  of  which  the 
ancestor  was  standing. 

Columbiason,  soon  after  the  entrance  of 
the  waiters,  ordered  a  glass  of  water,  which 
was  brought  in  by  another  well-cared-for 
individual,  who  before  tendering  the  water, 
asked  for  "  One  dollar! "  Columbiason  paid 
the  dollar  without  question  and  held  the 
glassful  of  water  up  as  if  to  inspect  it, 
when  his  ancestor  inquired  of  him  what  a 
dollar  was.  Columbiason  replied  that  it 
was  a  piece  of  American  money,  and 
passing  the  glass  of  water  to  the  "Baron," 
asked  him  if  he  would  partake  of  the  water. 

"  Nay!  For  centuries  have  I  no  occasion 
had  to  drink,  or  e'en  these  hands  to  wash ; 
nor  will  I  drink,  or  wash  again,  methinks, 
'till  water,  like  the  ancient  rills,  runs  free," 
replied  the  ancestor. 

This  ejaculation  must  have  struck  Colum 
biason  as  even  more  ancient  than  his  an 
cestor,  for  after  a  somewhat  hearty  laugh, 
he  replied: 


i$o         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

"The  modern  rills  less  freely  run;  nor 
yield  their  waters  without  pay! " 

The  attendant  then,  pointing  to  the 
chair  in  front  of  the  ancestor,  asked  him  if 
he  would  be  seated. 

The  ancestor  replied:  "If  thou  wilt  my 
joints  but  lubricate,  to  seated  be  I  will  be 
pleased!" 

At  this  intimation  on  the  part  of  the  an 
cestor  for  sitting  honors,  another  well- 
cared-for  individual  appeared  and,  extend 
ing  his  hand  to  the  ancestor,  said,  "One 
dollar! " 

"  Nay!  For  centuries  have  I  no  occasion 
had  to  sit;  nor  will  I  sit  again  'till  sitting 
room,  like  the  ancient  stumps,  is  free! " 

This  amused  the  attendant,  who  re 
marked  that  that  was  the  first  century 
plant  he  had  ever  seen  in  bloom,  and  it 
was  certainly  a  blooming  idiot,  while  Co- 
lumbiason  laughed  again  and  exclaimed: 
"The  modern  stumps  less  freely  stand; 
nor  yield  themselves  for  sitting  without 
pay." 

At  that  moment,  the  breakfast  was 
brought  in  and  an  attendant  appeared 
for  every  thing  on  the  table.  As  Colum- 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY          151 

biason  called  out  the  various  articles,  the 
attendant  or  keeper  of  that  article  answered 
"  One  dollar; "  except  in  the  case  of  steak, 
which  brought  forth  the  demand  for  "  Two 
dollars!" 

Columbiason  drew  from  his  pocket  a 
large  roll  of  bills  and  paid  for  the  break 
fast,  settling  with  the  keeper  of  each  spe 
cial  article. 

The  breakfast  was  then  placed  before 
the  ancestor  and  his  posterity,  when  a 
portly  and  well-dressed  individual  ap 
peared  and  demanded  $150  "Ocean 
money,"  which  Columbiason  paid  without 
question,  and  the  said  individual  haughtily 
took  his  departure,  leaving  the  host  and 
his  ancestral  guest  alone  with  the  two  at 
tendants,  or  waiters. 

The  payment  of  so  much  money  ap 
peared  deeply  to  interest  the  ancestor,  who 
was  standing  close  to  the  table,  with  the 
chair  behind  him,  onto  which,  however,  he 
was  unable  to  sit ;  and  he  gazed  at  Colum 
biason  and  exclaimed:  "I  pray  thee,  tell 
me,  dost  thou  not  own  this  craft? " 

"Truly! "  replied  Columbiason. 

"Why,  then,  I  pray  thee,  payest  thou?" 
inquired  the  ancestor. 


i$2          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

"Sh !"  exclaimed  Columbiason,  in  a 

whisper;  and  following  it  up  in  a  low  tone 
of  voice,  he  continued:  "  Didst  thou  not 
perceive  the  deputies  of  the  Knights  of 
Fleece,  placed  here  to  collect  for  those 
knights,  at  my  expense,  on  all  things 
which  those  worthy  knights  control?  Nor 
knowest  thou  that  all  things  they  control? 
I  own  the  craft,  but  for  the  ocean's  use  I 
pay — not  for  the  thing  itself,  but  for  its 
use  we  pay! " 

"  But  tell  me  why  so  much  the  people 
must  endure? "  asked  the  ancestor. 

"The  right  side  of  the  worthy  knights 
to  keep;  else  this  very  ship  its  mooring 
could  not  leave,  nor  could  we  clothing, 
food  or  drink  obtain ;  and  were  the  worthy 
knights  their  succor  to  withdraw,  perish 
would  the  people  ever  more!"  replied  Co 
lumbiason. 

"  Aye,  but  were  the  people  not  before  the 
Fleecing  Knights?"  inquired  the  ancestor. 

"Truly,  but  a  necessity  the  worthy 
knights  have  made  themselves  and  by 
their  worthy  acts,  they  do  dole  out  to  those 
who  pay,  such  needful  things  as  they  may 
want,"  replied  Columbiason. 


At  this  juncture,  although  the  sun  was 
still  high,  absolute  darkness  appeared,  and 
Columbiason  exclaimed:  "Fear  not,  O 
Ancestor!  Tis  but  the  rays  of  the  orb  of 
day,  withdrawn  for  lack  of  pay  before  he 
crossed  the  meridian.  I  shall  but  pay  the 
fee  and  day  shall  dawn  again! "  So  saying, 
he  summoned  the  deputy  of  the  Knight  of 
the  "Sunny  Fleece"  and  paid  the  fee, 
when  daylight  again  appeared. 

"See!"  he  ejaculated,  "how  grand  and 
noble  is  the  worshipful  Knight  of  the  Sunny 
Fleece!  He  giveth  us  light  even  more 
brilliant  than  before!" 

The  ancestor  stood  motionless,  from 
rusty  joints,  but  his  voice  betrayed  emo 
tion  and  despair,  intermixed  with  anger, 
as  he  exclaimed:  "  Return  me  to  my  tomb, 
where  for  ages  I  have  slept  in  quiet  peace; 
nor  let  me  rise  again,  lest  my  soul,  tor 
mented  by  these  '  Knights  of  Fleece, '  revile 
thee!" 

"Nay,  nay,  kind  ancestor,"  cried  Co 
lumbiason,  "leave  not  thy  posterity  thus 
to  still  remain  plain  Columbiason  by  name. 
Far  better  that  I  be  a  Knight  of  Fleece  in 
ancestry  than  thou  shouldst  leave  me  thus; 


154         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

nor  e'en  a  title  e'er  bestow  without  my 
fee!" 

"  Ah! "  said  the  ancestor.  "  Thou  wouldst 
join  the  fleecing  knights,  and  all  the  people 
of  their  ancestral  rights  deprive!  'Tis 
well  the  least  of  all  their  rights  is  this, 
which  thou  dost  covet,  lest  they  suffer 
more  from  thee  than  from  those  to  whom 
thou  now  must  homage  pay!  " 

Columbiason  partook  sparingly  of  his 
morning  repast,  in  which  he  asked  the 
baron-ancestor  to  share,  but  that  worthy 
replied  that  his  stomach  had  been  empty 
for  so  many  centuries  that  he  did  not  think 
it  well  to  intrude  upon  its  solitude  by  in 
flicting  it  with  indigestible  "knight's  fee" 
lunches;  and,  in  a  tone  most  emphatic, 
he  took  occasion  to  say  that  had  the 
knights  of  old  undertaken  to  force  such 
high-priced  lunches  down  the  throats  of 
the  public,  however  forbearing  that  public 
might  have  been  otherwise,  there  would 
not  have  been  a  sufficient  number  of 
swords,  spears,  axes  and  coats-of-mail  to 
supply  the  uprising  protestants,  who  would 
have  reduced  knighthood  to  a  nonenity 
and  knights  to  their  original  elements,  in 
less  than  one  moon. 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY          155 

This  unsolicited  information  on  the  part 
of  the  baron  of  old,  induced  Columbiason 
to  meditate  for  a  moment;  but  finally,  he 
heaved  a  long  sigh  and  remarked  that  he 
feared  such  action  in  a  modern  age  would 
annoy  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece  and  cause 
them  to  more  than  reciprocate,  to  the 
greater  disadvantage  of  the  offenders;  that 
he  saw  but  one  thing  to  do  and  that  was 
to  become  a  knight  himself. 

This  assertion  again  very  much  amused 
the  ancestor,  who  laughed  so  heartily  that 
the  very  coat-of-mail  which  he  wore,  shook 
tremendously  from  his  hilarity,  and  he 
replied  to  his  posterity  thus : 

"Thou  hast  said  that  the  Knights  of 
the  Fleece  deprive  thee  not  of  the  ocean, 
but  only  of  the  use  of  the  ocean;  they  de 
prive  thee,  not  of  the  sun,  but  only  of  the 
use  of  the  sun.  Thou  dost  own  thine  own 
craft,  but  thou  must  pay  for  the  use  thereof! 
Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  'Uses  and  Trusts'!  Thou 
dost  the  trusting  and  the  knights  fleece 
thee  out  of  the  uses ;  and  now  thou  wouldst 
become  a  knight  of  the  fleece  to  fleece  thy 
brother  knights  of  title,  of  which  they 
already  have  the  uses.  Thou  canst  have 


156          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

the  title,  but  not  the  title's  use  and  emolu 
ments,  which  already  belong  to  thy  brother 
knights!"  Columbiason  sank  back  into 
his  chair  and  gazed  at  his  ancestor  in 
amazement  at  his  knowledge  of  modern 
customs.  The  ancestor  then,  with  an 
other  hearty  laugh,  exclaimed: 

"Thou  hadst  better  become  a  knight  to 
possess  the  use  of  thine  own  soul — aye,  to 
fleece  thyself  of  the  use  of  thyself,  lest  thou 
surely  lose  thyself!"  Then,  in  a  state  of 
the  greatest  agitation,  the  ancestor  con 
tinued  : 

"Nay,  nay,  kind  posterity,  let  me  not 
linger  longer  here!  Back,  back  to  the 
silent  tomb  let  thine  ancestor  depart!  Bet 
ter  that  this  sword  and  shield  and  spear 
be  stained  with  the  blood  of  the  dead 
than  that  my  soul  bear  this  greater  shame 
and  hear,  unaided,  the  cry  of  the  living! 
Thou  hast  the  world,  but  not  the  use 
thereof ;  I  shall  have  both  the  grave  and  its 
use!" 

Having  thus  expressed  himself  to  his 
posterity,  the  ancestor  cried,  "  Come ! 
Come,  I  say!  Loose  me  from  the  iron 
shackles  that  compass  me  about,  that  I 
may  return  to  the  centuries  of  yore! " 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY          157 

So  saying,  the  ancestor  began  to  dance 
up  and  down  and  around  to  the  best  of  his 
ability,  in  the  vain  attempt  to  free  himself 
from  the  coat-of-mail  which  encom 
passed  him,  much  to  the  distressing  anxiety 
of  his  posterity,  who  arose  in  an  agitated 
frame  of  mind  and,  touching  a  button, 
summoned  the  Admiral  and  his  subordi 
nates,  who  soon  appeared;  and  after  a 
tedious  struggle,  they  together  succeeded 
in  overpowering  the  ancestor,  whom,  as 
he  stood  struggling  to  catch  his  breath, 
Columbiason  addressed  thus : 

"  I  perceive  that  thou  dost  possess  an 
other  virtue,  in  that  thou  abhorrest  evil! " 

"Nay,"  replied  the  ancestor,  "I  possess 
no  virtues,  save  those  that  thou  impartest 
to  my  soul.  Thou  dost  but  smart  and 
chafe  under  the  oppression  of  these  des 
potic  Knights  of  the  Fleece,  and  I  but 
reflect  the  discontent  prevailing  in  thine 
own  mind! " 

After  having  thus  delivered  himself  to 
his  posterity,  the  ancestor  was  danced  by 
the  attendants  to  the  downy  couch,  upon 
which  he  was  gently  placed,  much  to  the 
delight  of  Columbiason,  who  urged  upon 


158          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

the  Admiral  the  advisability  of  starting 
for  home  at  once  and  of  getting  the  an 
cient  ancestor  as  far  from  his  grave  as  pos 
sible,  lest  he  force  the  whole  crew,  as  well 
as  his  posterity,  to  return  to  that  ancient 
domicile  with  him. 

The  Admiral,  on  taking  his  departure  to 
execute  the  order,  took  occasion  to  remind 
Columbiason  that,  for  one  who  did  not 
desire  to  impose  his  ancestors  upon  others, 
he  had  done  pretty  well,  and  he  feared 
that  such  a  struggle  by  Columbiason  with 
his  ancestor,  unaided,  would  end  in  the 
final  departure  of  the  posterity. 

Columbiason  evidently  did  not  deem  it 
proper  to  notice  the  well-meant  ejacula 
tion  of  the  Admiral,  but  he  appeared  to 
appreciate  the  value  of  the  warning ;  for  he 
resolved  to  keep  a  fair  distance  from  his 
ancestor  for  the  present  and  not  to  lubri 
cate  the  joints  of  that  distinguished  piece 
of  conquest  until  surrounded  by  his  own 
peers. 

It  is  due  to  our  readers  that  they  be 
given,  briefly,  some  idea  concerning  the 
Knights  of  the  Fleece,  in  order  that  they 
may  the  better  understand,  generally,  the 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY          159 

reason  for  the  not  unnatural  longing  on 
the  part  of  the  ancient  ancestor  to  return 
to  his  grave. 

There  are  some  people  now  living,  who 
have  at  least  an  indistinct  recollection  of 
the  audacity  of  those,  we  might  say,  vulgar 
and  arrogant  knights.  They  had  no  title 
at  first ;  they  cared  only  for  money  power, 
through  the  possession  of  the  various  in 
dustries  and  things  of  commerce.  There 
were  some  well-meaning  men  among  them, 
but  this  saving-clause  in  their  characters 
did  not  usually  manifest  itself  until  they 
had  made  very  extensive  acquisitions  at 
the  expense  of  their  fellow-men,  engaged 
in  similar  industrial  pursuits,  and  of  the 
general  public;  and  not  even  then,  until 
they  had  grown  old  and  gray,  if  not  de 
bilitated  from  fatigue,  due  to  the  constant 
activity  of  their  mulcting  proclivities, 
which  ceased  only  with  the  symptoms  of 
the  breaking  down  of  their  physical  being. 

Finally,  in  order  to  control,  at  any  cost, 
the  particular  commercial  enterprise  on 
which  a  particular  knight  of  the  fleece 
had  cast  his  eagle  eye,  he  found  it  necessary 
to  combine  his  fortune  with  that  of  another 


160         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

brother  knight,  or,  indeed,  on  many  occa 
sions,  with  the  fortunes  of  many  knights. 
When  this  was  accomplished,  their  com 
plete  triumph  over  their  adversaries  was 
only  a  question  of  a  little  time.  They 
then  proceeded  to  reduce  the  prices  of  the 
particular  commodity  so  low  that  they 
became  the  subjects  of  special  commenda 
tion  on  the  part  of  the  people,  who,  for  a 
time,  seemed  to  benefit  as  a  result  of  their 
supposed  humane  and  generous  action. 
In  the  mean  time,  their  adversaries  were 
obliged  to  correspondingly  reduce  the  prices 
of  those  commodities,  but  having  limited 
capital,  they  were  unable  to  continue  to 
do  business  without  profit,  and  they  were, 
therefore,  obliged  either  to  succumb  at 
great  loss,  or  consolidate  their  interests 
with  those  of  the  "Knights-Fleece-Combi 
nation,"  on  terms  suggested  by  the  latter, 
absolutely.  After  having  acquired  the  in 
terests  of  their  victims,  whom  they  had 
thus  pillaged,  or  forced  into  relations  of 
"brotherhood,"  those  wily  combinations 
would  throw  off  their  masks  and  begin  to 
fleece  the  public  by  raising  prices  of  the 
commodities  so  high,  that  frequent  mur- 


HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         161 

murings  and  threats  against  them  were 
common  among  the  people.  Nothing  ever 
came  of  those  threats,  however,  because, 
first,  the  people  were  naturally  opposed  to 
violence  in  that  age,  and  secondly,  they 
knew  well  that  violence  was  useless;  for 
we  regret  to  have  to  record  the  fact  that 
not  only  was  the  judiciary  controlled  by 
the  money  power  of  the  "Trusts,"  as  the 
combinations  of  knights  were  frequently 
called,  but  the  whole  of  the  Congress  of  the 
United  States  was  not  infrequently  pur 
chased  to  vote  the  wishes  of  those  unholy 
combinations,  which  finally  controlled,  not 
only  everything  in  their  own  country,  but 
nearly  everything  in  every  other  country 
on  the  face  of  the  earth  that  was  worth 
having. 

No  wonder  the  ancient  ancestor  pre 
ferred  his  grave  and  the  contemplation  of 
his  own  crimes,  however  great,  to  the 
crimes  of  those  inhuman  Knights  of  the 
Fleece,  and  rather  than  live  to  submit  to 
their  piratical  depredations,  which  would 
stir  his  ire  and  keep  his  mind  in  a  con 
tinual  state  of  resentment  for  such  gross 
and  criminal  injustice. 


CHAPTER  XI 

WASHINGTON    AND   LINCOLN    RECALLED 

The  earth  had  pursued  its  course  of  revo 
lution  until  it  had  left  the  sun  sinking  in 
the  west,  with  its  golden  rays  reflected  like 
balls  of  fire  from  the  panes  of  glass  in  the 
windows  of  the  two  light-houses  at  "  Spurn 
Head,"  and  from  the  windows  of  the  cot 
tages  of  the  life-preserving  corps  on  the 
beach  beyond,  when  the  "  British  Lion " 
left  its  moorings  and  backed  out  into  the 
great  mouth  of  the  River  Humber  for 
a  homeward  voyage.  Columbiason  had 
been  so  much  upset  by  the  little  rebellious 
incident  on  the  part  of  his  ancestor  that  he 
was  unable  to  enjoy  his  very  late  break 
fast,  which  was  taken  away  and  probably 
devoured  by  the  waiters,  without  cost  to 
themselves,  to  the  great  disappointment 
of  the  deputies  of  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece. 
He  had  been  awakened  from  a  dozing  con- 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         163 

dition,  as  he  leaned  back  in  his  easy  chair, 
and  a  light  afternoon  lunch  was  spread 
before  him,  of  which  he  ate  as  sparingly  as 
he  had  partaken  of  his  breakfast.  His 
meagre  appetite  was  doubtless  due  to  his 
watchful  eye  upon  his  ancestor,  who  lay 
on  the  couch  before  him  making  an  occa 
sional  effort  to  arise. 

The  waiters  were  in  the  act  of  clearing 
the  table,  when  the  motion  of  the  great 
electrical  engines  gave  indication  that  the 
homeward-bound  start  had  been  made  at 
last;  and  Columbiason,  desirous  of  taking 
a  last  look  of  the  grave  of  his  ancestor, 
arose  from  the  table,  and  leaving  the 
"  Baron "  on  the  couch,  strolled  out  on 
deck,  where  he  arrived  just  as  the  "  British 
Lion  "  was  turning  its  head  seaward.  Sud 
denly  he  heard  his  ancestor  calling,  and 
returning  hurriedly  to  his  cabin,  he  found 
that  individual  again  struggling  to  escape 
the  reflection  of  the  setting  sun,  the  rays 
of  which  came  through  the  window-panes 
of  the  craft  and  toyed,  playfully,  with  his 
eyelids. 

With  the  aid  of  two  assistants,  whom 
he  summoned,  Columbiason  succeeded  in 


164          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

getting  his  ancestor  on  deck  and  standing 
him  in  a  position  where  he  could  get  a 
good  view  of  the  "Spurn,"  and  of  about 
the  location  of  his  former  grave. 

For  a  short  time  nothing  was  said  by 
either  the  ancestor  or  his  posterity;  then 
the  latter,  pointing  to  the  barren,  sandy 
and  muddy  shore  which  they  were  leaving, 
exclaimed: 

"What  thinkest  thou,  mine  ancestor, 
art  thou  not  better  away  from  such  a  deso 
late  and  barren  shore?" 

The  ancestor  replied:  "Me thinks  'tis 
good  soil  for  ancestors,  because,  at  least, 
'tis  free;  although,  in  this  age  of  my  pos 
terity,  it  would  have  surprised  me  not  if 
thou  hadst  dug  mine  ashes  up  from  be 
neath  yon  soil  to  collect  a  fee  for  the  re 
posing  thereof;  nor  would  I  deem  it  well 
to  mention  to  the  '  Knight  of  the  Earthy 
Fleece'  even  so  barren  a  plot,  lest  he  im 
pose  on  thine  ancestor  a  tax  for  the  cen 
turies  of  past  repose. " 

"Nay!  Methinks  mine  ancestor  is  too 
poor  to  pay!"  replied  Columbiason. 

"That  were  his  only  hope  of  returning  to 
his  grave!  "  responded  his  ancestor. 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY          165 

Just  at  that  moment  the  setting  sun 
disappeared  beneath  the  horizon  and  the 
ancestor  exclaimed: 

"See!  Notwithstanding  thou  hast  paid 
thy  fee,  the  Fleecing  Knight  has  deprived 
us,  not  only  of  the  use  of  the  sun,  but  also 
of  the  sun  itself!  See!  " 

"Nay,  the  sun  hath  but  set  of  himself," 
replied  Columbiason. 

"Ha!  Ha!"  laughed  the  ancestor,  "the 
Knight  of  the  Sunny  Fleece  for  once  is 
fleeced,  unless  the  sun  permission  hath  to 
set!" 

"Nay,  nay,"  responded  the  posterity, 
with  some  indication  of  uneasiness,  "the 
sun  hath  but  retired  beneath  the  folds  of 
nature's  cloak,  to  rise  at  early  dawn." 

"  Tis  well  the  Knights  of  Fleece  have 
not  the  cloak,  lest  the  orb  of  day  be  forced 
to  pay  for  the  use  of  Morpheus'  arms  or 
wide  awake  remain!  "  laughingly  ejaculated 
the  ancestor. 

The  "British  Lion"  finally  put  on  full 
speed,  as  it  headed  for  the  English  Channel, 
and  its  fifty-some-odd  flags  flapped  so 
furiously  in  the  breeze  that  it  seemed  as  if 
the  fifty-some-odd  geese  had  great  diffi- 


166         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

culty  in  maintaining  their  positions  on  the 
fifty-some-odd,  lions'  heads. 

The  ancestors'  eyes  were  attracted  by 
the  constant  flapping  of  the  flags,  to  look 
in  the  direction  from  whence  the  flapping 
came;  and  on  discovering  the  cause  of 
the  disturbance,  he  inquired  of  his  pos 
terity  what  the  goose  and  the  lion's  head 
represented.  He  was  told,  in  reply,  that 
it  was  the  Columbiason  coat-of-arms,  made 
from  one  of  the  little  birds  from  the  family 
tree,  enlarged  so  it  could  be  seen,  and  also 
that  it  might  conform  more  in  size  to  the 
lion's  head.  This  very  much  amused  the 
ancestor,  who  inquired  of  his  posterity  if 
geese  roosted  in  the  family  tree?  This 
question  for  a  moment  puzzled  the  pos 
terity,  who  finally  replied  that  probably, 
originally,  they  did  not,  but  as  time  passed, 
they  must  have  developed  into  geese.  This 
still  more  amused  the  ancestor,  who  in 
quired  how  the  goose  came  to  light  on  the 
lion's  head?  To  which  the  posterity  re 
plied  that  he  presumed  the  lion's  jaw  did 
not  happen  to  be  open  to  receive  it.  This 
so  amused  the  ancestor  that  with  a  hilari 
ous  ha,  ha,  he  remarked  that,  doubtless, 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         167 

had  the  lion's  jaw  been  open,  the  goose 
would  have  jumped  therein,  and  there 
being  no  goose  there  would  have  been  no 
goose's  coat-of-arms. 

This  ended  the  discussion;  for  a  very 
damp  mist  was  gathering  over  the  water, 
and  Columbiason  helped  his  ancestor  into 
the  cabin  with  great  effort,  and  standing 
him  up  near  the  table,  which  was  adorned 
with  an  electric  light  and  a  few  small 
pieces  of  bronze  work,  he  seated  himself 
in  his  easy  chair  and  addressed  him  thus: 

"There  is  that  of  importance  of  which, 
mine  ancestor,  I  would  speak  with  thee  in 
secret,  if  thou  wilt  comfortably  seat  thy 
self  and  listen." 

"Thy  solicitude  for  the  welfare  of  thine 
ancestor  must,  indeed,  make  him  little 
worthy  of  thy  confidence  if,  to  seat  himself 
at  thy  command,  he  fail;  yet,  thou  hast 
failed  to  lubricate  the  joints  that  make  his 
sitting  possible,"  replied  the  ancestor. 

The  posterity  replied:  "Most  truly,  sir; 
to  oil  thy  joints  I  had  forgot;  nor  will  I 
trouble  thee  to  sit,  since  standing  suits 
thee  well.  But  thou  mayest  domesticate 
thy  joints  and  tame  them  well,  that  they 


168         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

may,  later,  move  from  lubrication.  Tis 
a  privilege  great,  for  ancestry  to  in  the 
chair  of  his  posterity  be  seated,  and  for 
this,  and  other  privileges  which  thou 
mayest  in  time  receive,  a  favor  will  I  ask  of 
thee." 

"And  gladly  will  I  grant  the  same  to 
thee  if  light  and  air  and  freedom  shall 
indeed  be  free,"  replied  the  ancestor. 

"My  best  influence  with  the  Knights  of 
Fleece  will  I  exert  to  see  that  thou  hast  all 
of  these  and  more,"  responded  the  pos 
terity.  "I  am,"  he  continued,  "the  guar 
dian  of  the  fairest  daughter  of  the  sky — of 
beauty  and  virtue  a  paragon ;  to  look  upon 
whose  face  would  fill  with  joy  the  very 
souls  of  angels!  Her  pure  white  soul  doth 
soar  aloft  in  high  communion  with  the 
Source  of  Good,  and  then  to  depths  below 
descend,  that  they  who  see  her  face  and 
will,  may  follow  on  and  up  until  they  see 
reflected  in  their  souls  the  loveliness  of  her 
own!" 

"With  such  a  ward,  believe  me  when  I 
say,  thou  art  a  very  Croesus  beside  the 
fleecing  knights! "  exclaimed  the  ancestor. 

"Thou  hast  another  virtue,  I  perceive!" 
retorted  Columbiason. 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         169 

"Nay!  Again  thy  mind  doth  know 
the  truth  and  I  but  give  it  back  to  thee! " 
replied  the  ancestor. 

"As  thou  wilt;  yet  knoweth  thou  this: 
the  hand  of  this  fair  maid  in  wedlock 
will  I  give  to  thee  to  perpetuate  my  an 
cestry!  "  responded  Columbiason. 

"Nay!  Nay!  Thou  wouldst  revivify  the 
dead  by  hitching  to  this  pure,  living  image 
of  her  mother's  soul,  thine  ancestor,  whose 
only  virtues  are  thine  own,  and  which  must 
cease  when  thou  dost  cease  them  to  im 
part!  Nay!  Nay!  I  say;  virtue  ne'er 
can  thrive  in  such  inharmony!  Nay! 
Such  wedlock  would  torment  my  very 
soul!"  cried  the  ancestor,  showing  signs  of 
the  greatest  emotion. 

"A  virtue,  surely,  doth  mine  ancestor 
possess,  else  he  could  not  reason  thus!" 
exclaimed  Columbiason. 

"  A  vaunt! "  cried  the  ancestor,  more  agi 
tated  than  before.  "Thou  knowest,"  he 
continued,  "the  error  of  thy  way,  and  by 
thy  mind,  which  I  reflect,  doth  tell  me  so; 
yet,  when  I  speak  the  truth,  which  thou 
doth  know,  and  answer  thee,  thou  doth 
my  soul  the  more  inflict  with  virtues  fresh 
from  thee!" 


i;o         HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

"So!"  responded  Columbiason.  "Thou 
wouldst  have  my  ward  another  wed  and 
make  me  both  herself  and  thee  forget  as 
dead.  She  loves  another — America  his 
name,  and  bold,  who,  in  return,  would  hold 
her  hand  in  wedlock  with  his  own! " 

"And  thou  wouldst  have  me  share  with 
thee,  thy  crowning  sin  and  crime  by  keep 
ing  twain  these  souls  by  making  mine  this 
maiden  fair?"  cried  the  ancestor,  as  he 
struggled  in  vain  to  move  his  position  near 
the  chair. 

"Surely,"  answered  Columbiason,  arising 
from  his  easy  chair,  "thou  couldst  not  divine 
the  nature  of  a  sin  and  crime  in  thy  posterity 
without  a  lingering  virtue,  dormant,  may 
be,  in  thy  soul  at  first,  yet  ever  ready  to 
arise  and  chide  me! " 

"Thy  sins  and  crimes  thou  makest  mine, 
as  well  thy  virtues,  which,  when  remorse 
doth  hide  within  thee,  cometh  forth  pre 
dominant,  lest  thy  sin  prevail  in  both  thy 
self  and  me,  and  we  become  its  slaves!" 
responded  the  ancestor. 

"Thy  mind  doth  wander.  The  hour  is 
late.  'Tis  needful  that  thou  hast  repose! " 
exclaimed  Columbiason,  hastening  to  the 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY          171 

side  of  his  ancestor.  "Come!"  he  contin 
ued,  "let  me  help  thee  to  thy  couch 
that  thou  mayest  well  thy  dream  complete 
by  dawn  of  day!"  He  then  embraced  his 
ancestor  once  more  and  after  a  repetition 
of  the  moving  process,  succeeded  in  placing 
that  receptacle  of  virtues  and  sins  upon  the 
couch. 

The  night  was  not  as  far  spent  as  Colum- 
biason  had  supposed.  The  "  British  Lion  " 
had  proceeded,  probably,  not  farther  than 
sixty  miles  from  "The  Spurn,"  and  was 
not  far  from  what  was  known  as  "The 
Wash  " — a  large  bay  or  inlet,  which  washes 
the  shores  of  the  southeasterly  portion  of 
the  county  of  Lincoln. 

The  posterity  was,  for  once,  glad  to  free 
himself  from  his  ancestor,  who  had  tried 
both  his  patience  and  his  strength,  and  he, 
therefore,  strolled  once  more  out  on  deck, 
where  he  beheld  with  pride,  the  distant 
shore  of  "  Old  England,"  perceptible  by  the 
flickering  electric  lights  which  illumined 
it;  and  kissing  his  hand  in  the  direction  of 
the  shore,  he  exclaimed,  with  no  little  de 
gree  of  satisfaction:  "Ah,  land  of  mine 
ancestors,  soon  will  I  be  a  lord  under  the 


1/2          HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

realm  of  which  thou  art  a  part!"  Then 
turning  to  one  of  the  ship's  subordinates 
who  happened  to  be  passing  at  the  time, 
he  inquired  of  him  what  portion  of  good 
old  England  had  he  the  pleasure  of  saluting. 
The  subordinate  replied  that  the  great  inlet, 
around  which  the  electric  lights  were  per 
ceptible,  was  "The  Wash;"  that  he  could 
well  remember  the  name  by  thinking  of 
"Washington,"  a  great  man  who  once  re 
sided  in  his  own  country.  Columbiason 
thought  for  a  moment  and  then  replied  that 
he  believed  he  had  heard  the  name,  but 
he  understood  that  Washington  had  held 
no  title  of  nobility!  This  appeared  to 
astonish  the  English  subordinate,  who  re 
plied  that  he  had  held  a  higher  one — the 
"Father  of  his  Country,"  and  he  thought 
the  inquirer  had  better  remember  "The 
Wash,"  in  order  to  impress  more  indelibly 
the  name  "  Washington  "  upon  his  memory! 
Columbiason 's  mind  being  intent  upon 
England  and  the  title  which  he  was  about 
to  receive,  he  did  not  seem  to  catch  the 
force  of  the  last  remark  of  the  subordinate, 
and  again  asked  him  what  portion  of  Eng 
land  they  were  passing,  when  the  latter 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY          173 

replied  that  it  was  the  county  of  Lincoln, 
which  he  could  well  remember  by  thinking 
of  a  great  man  by  that  name  who  had  also 
once  lived  in  his  own  country. 

Columbiason  again  thought  a  moment, 
but  before  he  could  reply,  the  subordinate 
continued  that  he  could  easily  remember 
his  name  by  remembering  the  name  of  the 
county  to  which  he  had  referred.  To  this 
Columbiason  replied  that  he  knew  the 
name,  but  it  savored  so  much  of  popular 
rights  and  equality  that  he  had  forgotten 
it.  He  then  wended  his  way  back  to  the 
cabin,  where  he  found  his  ancestor  ap 
parently  in  the  arms  of  Morpheus.  "So 
sleeps  the  ancestor,  and  so  will  sleep  his 
posterity!"  he  remarked,  as  he  gazed  upon 
the  motionless  form  before  him.  He  then 
turned  and  entered  his  state-room,  and 
preparing  himself  hurriedly  for  a  night's 
slumber,  threw  himself  on  his  own  couch 
and  was  soon  fast  asleep,  to  enjoy  peaceful 
repose  for  the  first  time  since  he  had 
reached  the  shores  of  England.  In  the 
mean  time,  the  "British  Lion"  sped  rap 
idly  on  its  homeward-bound  voyage,  where 
we  will,  for  a  time,  leave  it,  mounting  the 
waves  of  the  sea. 


CHAPTER  XII 

THE    GOAL    OF   AMERICA 

The  stars  were  blinking  at  one  another 
from  a  charming  azure  sky,  made  more 
charming  by  a  not  too  distant  cloud,  whose 
lining,  silvery,  soft  and  fluffy,  foretold  of  a 
still  more  charming  visitor,  whom  it  was 
about  to  usher  into  the  presence  of  her 
beholders;  for  soon  there  emerged  from 
the  cloud  the  orb  of  night — nature's  most 
beautiful  queen,  the  light  from  whose 
lovely  face  reflected  itself  upon  the  sur 
rounding  scenery  of  the  magnificent  gar 
den,  in  the  midst  of  which  stood  the  Colum- 
biason  home,  or  rather,  palace;  for  such  it 
was  becoming — more  beautiful  and  pala- 
tial-like  as  the  years  sped  by  and  its  owner 
was  better  enabled,  with  his  great  wealth, 
to  make  it  more  and  more  magnificent. 

The  hour  was  not  late,  but  the  beautiful 
Queen  of  Night  must  have  concluded  to 
view,  at  an  earlier  hour  than  usual,  a  scene 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         175 

made  so  exquisitely  attractive  by  the  hands 
of  nature  and  of  art;  for  she  seemed  to 
alight  from  the  cloud  and,  as  if  instructing 
it  to  call  for  her  in  good  time  to  conduct 
her  onward,  less  charming  scenes  to  view, 
she  turned  her  face  toward  the  same  chair 
of  nature  which  Columbiason  had  occu 
pied  as  he  wandered  from  the  mirror  lake, 
after  he  had  beheld  thereon  the  knight's 
reflection,  which  had  so  mysteriously  dis 
appeared  from  the  vision  of  its  beholder. 

As  she  thus  turned  her  face  she  looked 
full  into  the  face  of  one  more  beautiful 
still — that  of  Liberte,  the  most  beautiful 
daughter  of  the  Goddess  of  Liberty,  whose 
image  was  divinely  reflected  in  the  face  of 
that  charming  maiden. 

The  introduction  must  have  been  mutu 
ally  agreeable ;  for  the  face  of  the  Queen  of 
Night  seemed  to  beam  with  ecstatic  delight 
on  the  charming  daughter  of  the  Goddess, 
who  turned  her  lustrous,  liquid  eyes  upon 
the  face  of  the  former  and,  smiling  sweetly, 
addressed  the  beautiful  queen  thus: 

"O  Queen  of  Night! 
'Tis  sweet  to  look  upon  thy  lovely  face 


176         HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

And  watch  thee  climb  in  freedom 

To  the  skies  o'er  hill  and  cloud! 

Thou  knowest  not  the  anguish  of  a  heart 

In  bondage  held — a  soul  once  free  as  thou 

To  go  and  come — now  shackled 

And  imprisoned,  as  it  were; 

For  when  the  soul  is  bound, 

The  charming  scenes  of  wooded  dells, 

With  mountain  peaks  and  silvery  clouds 

And  sky,  the  eye  cannot  so  well  perceive 

Nor  yet  enjoy. 

'Tis  freedom  that  makes  free ; 

And  in  thy  freedom,  I  would  wish  thee  well! 

'Tis   more,    O    Queen,   than   even   wealth   and 

beauty 
In  mine  eye!" 

Having  thus  addressed  the  Queen  of 
Night,  the  daughter  of  the  Goddess  arose 
from  nature's  rocky  seat,  her  tresses  hanging 
luxuriantly  over  her  shoulders,  which  were 
most  gracefully  moulded,  and,  in  appear 
ance,  of  purest  alabaster.  A  flowing  gown 
of  white,  with  becoming  folds  of  red  and 
blue,  set,  here  and  there,  with  silvery  stars, 
completed  the  toilet  of  this  charming 
maiden,  who  for  beauty,  virtue  and  loveli 
ness,  has  never  had  an  equal.  There  she 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         177 

stood,  a  statue  of  angelic  perfection,  basking 
in  the  reflected  light  from  the  face  of  night's 
majestic  satellite,  who  seemed  to  realize 
the  superiority  of  her  newly  found  friend, 
in  that  the  reflected  light  of  her  charming 
face,  once  seen,  remained  indelibly  im 
pressed  on  the  mind  of  its  beholders 
throughout,  not  only  the  world,  but  the 
universe — an  inspiration  to  their  souls; 
while  the  light  from  the  face  of  the  Queen 
of  Night  became  obscured  by  the  more 
powerful  rays  of  the  orbal  King  of  Day  and 
shone  not  again  until  the  chariot  of  that 
splendor  king  carried  him  far  beyond  the 
horizon.  Aye,  threatening  clouds,  black 
and  formidable,  could  hide  from  view  the 
face  of  the  Queen  of  Night,  and  this  she 
knew;  while  the  light  from  the  face  of  this 
beautiful  daughter  of  the  Goddess  shone 
resplendent  through  clouds  and  storm, 
even  challenging  in  competition  the  gran 
deur  and  beauty  of  his  diurnal  majesty, 
the  King  of  Day. 

But  there  was  no  envy  in  the  bosom, 
either  of  the  Queen  of  Night  or  of  her 
friend,  the  daughter  of  the  Goddess;  in 
deed,  there  was  no  room  for  envy;  for 


i;8          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

each  understood,  and  well  performed  her 
duty — one  giving  light  by  night  to  half  the 
world;  the  other  emitting  light  most  pure 
and  inspirational  forever,  to  all  the  world 
and  to  the  universe;  for  it  was  the  light  of 
"Liberty! "  — a  light  so  pure  and  holy  that, 
once  reflected  strongly  on  a  face,  that  face 
became  a  reflector  of  its  rays — a  light 
first  caught  by  the  Goddess  from  the 
Source  Divine  and  on  her  daughter's 
face  impersonated  like  the  rays  reflected 
from  the  King  of  Day  upon  the  face  of 
his  nightly  queen  and  given  forth  from 
that  beautiful  face  to  guide  our  steps 
when  the  curtain  of  night  has  been  drawn 
to  permit  nature  to  retire  for  repose. 

No  wonder  that  men  strove  to  catch,  re 
flected  on  their  faces,  the  light  from  the 
countenance  of  Liberte,  the  most  beautiful 
of  all  maidens!  The  very  thought  of  hold 
ing  her  in  bondage,  even  in  a  garden, 
would  have  spurred  their  souls  to  deeds 
most  chivalrous.  Yet,  sad  to  say,  a  move 
ment,  clandestine,  of  course,  was  being  con 
templated  at  that  very  hour,  to  force  this 
lovely  soul — born  of  love  divine,  the 
people's  queen — into  a  marriage  with  one 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         179 

not  only  absolutely  antagonistic  to  her  own 
sense  of  propriety  and  justice,  but  to  that 
of  her  mother,  the  Goddess,  who  dearly 
loved  this,  her  fairest  daughter,  with  a  de 
votion  which  only  a  parent  can  feel.  Strange 
as  it  may  seem,  this  contemplated  design 
was  the  result  of  the  misguided  effort  of 
her  guardian,  the  son  of  Columbia,  who 
should  have  had  the  very  best  interests  of 
his  ward  at  heart,  yet  who  appeared  to 
have  been  led  astray  by  the  alluring  re 
flection  of  a  knight  called  "Title"— a 
mere  reflection  upon  a  lake,  the  waters  of 
which  one  would  think  should  have  been 
too  pure  to  reflect  such  imperfection. 

But  not  to  digress  too  much,  we  will  re 
turn  to  the  garden,  where  we  left  Liberte, 
standing  in  the  quiet  subdued  light  of  the 
moon  and  looking  wistfully  beyond,  over 
the  verdure-covered  hills  and  dales,  and 
down  onto  the  charming  lake  on  which  the 
shadow — of  which  she  was  oblivious — had 
appeared  to  her  guardian,  and  toward 
which  water  she  finally  directed  her  steps, 
walking  slowly,  in  meditative  silence,  until 
she  reached  its  edge. 

Not  a  ripple  appeared  on  the  lake,  nor 


i8o         HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

was  there  anything  to  mar  its  beauty. 
Indeed,  it  was  rendered  more  beauteous 
by  the  reflection  of  the  face  of  Liberte,  as 
well  as  by  the  reflection  of  the  beautiful 
foliage  which  hugged  its  reclining  shore, 
and  of  the  moon,  the  face  of  which,  as 
beaming  as  when  it  appeared  to  Liberte 
from  her  rocky  chair,  yet  seemed  even  more 
beautiful  to  her  than  on  that  occasion, 
as  she  beheld  it  looking  up  to  her  from  its 
watery  pillow. 

In  the  quiet  solitude  of  this  perfect 
night,  Liberte  looked  a  picture  indeed,  as 
she  stood  gazing  into  the  perfect  lake, 
whose  water,  from  its  pure,  cleansing 
properties,  seemed  to  represent  truth  it 
self.  Little  did  she  know  that  the  same 
pure  lake  which  reflected  her  beautiful 
form  had  also  reflected  the  knight  who  was, 
through  the  misguided  steps  of  her  guardian, 
seeking  to  enslave  her;  yet,  a  mirror,  to 
be  pure,  must  reflect  both  good  and  evil. 

Suddenly,  out  upon  the  waters  and  over 
the  hills,  resounded  a  voice  purer  than  the 
lake  and  still  more  beautiful — a  voice  like 
that  of  an  angel,  sweet  and  heavenly,  and 
so  melodious  that  the  Queen  of  Night  left 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         181 

her  place  upon  the  lake,  as  if  to  get  nearer 
to  its  owner,  that  she  might  catch  every 
least  inflection  of  a  voice  so  charming; 
while  the  stars,  by  their  blinking  encores, 
seemed  to  signify  approval  and  delight  at 
the  sound  of  the  beautiful  tones.  It  was 
the  voice  of  Liberte,  whose  soul,  overflow 
ing  with  captive  sentiments,  gave  forth  in 
song,  the  feelings  of  her  longing  to  be  free. 
The  words,  vocalized  so  sweetly  by  the 
beautiful  daughter  of  the  Goddess,  rang 
out  upon  the  quiet  night-ether  thus: 

"America! 

"My  soul  no  nobler  suitor  e'er  would  crave 
Than  thee,  whose  vision,  oft  before  mine  eye, 
Brings  to  my  mind  achievements  great  and  brave 
And  deeds  of  manhood  true  that  never  die ! 
My  soul,  rebellious,  from  its  cage  would  flee 
To  tell  thee  that  my  love  belongs  to  thee!" 

As  the  sound  of  the  last  note  died  away 
in  the  distance,  the  voice  of  another  re 
sponded  from  across  the  most  narrow  edge 
of  the  lake,  in  clear,  sweet,  manly  tones, 
and  in  words  rendered  entirely  audible  from 
their  perfect  articulation,  and  the  stillness 
of  the  night. 


182         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

The    words    of    the    "respondent"    ran 
thus: 


"Liberte! 

"  My  heart  no  greater  pleasure  e'er  would  seek 
Than  see  my  darling  smile  and  hear  her  speak ! 
Ah,  thus  I  know  thy  heart  reciprocates 
The  love  that  in  my  very  soul  awakes 
To  welcome  thee,  as  well  the  hour  sublime, 
When  I  can  whisper  truly,  '  Thou  art  mine ! '  " 

It  was  the  voice  of  America,  whose  affec 
tion  for  Liberte  had  long  been  known  to 
her  guardians,  and  at  one  time,  counte 
nanced.  Indeed,  had  it  not  been  for  the 
interference  of  the  knight,  whose  reflection 
seemed  to  be  the  original  cause  of  Liberte's 
troubles,  there  is  no  doubt  that  no  ob 
stacles  would  have  been  placed  in  the  way 
of  an  early  and  constant  unity  of  America 
and  Liberte,  whose  hearts  were  already 
beating  as  one. 

Finally,  through  the  still  night,  the  two 
voices,  like  the  souls  that  gave  them  forth, 
blended  in  sweet,  harmonious  refrain,  in 
words  which  they  both  knew  well,  thus: 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY          183 

"My  love  is  thine!     My  heart  with  rapture  tells 
Of  love  for  thee,  that  in  my  bosom  dwells ! 
My  love  is  thine !  To  tell  thee  more  would  seem 
But  a  re-echo  of  my  sweetest  theme! 

My  love  is  thine! 

My  love  is  thine!" 

Just  as  the  last  stanzas  of  the  sweet, 
concerted  tones  were  carried  onward,  over 
the  ethereal  waves,  the  soft,  silvery  re 
flection  of  the  moon  revealed  the  stately 
form  of  a  youth,  who  emerged  from  the 
shadow  of  the  overhanging  shrubbery  and 
appeared  within  a  few  feet  of  the  object 
of  his  most  worshipful  adoration.  The 
face  of  the  youth  was  most  attractive  and 
manly — his  eyes  saintly  with  expressions 
of  benevolence  and  love,  his  nose,  Gre 
cian-like  and  perfect  in  shape,  his  mouth 
as  firm  as  justice  itself — withal,  a  face 
and  form  handsome  to  look  upon  and  most 
worthy  of  admiration. 

Confronting  this  youthful  form,  stood 
the  daughter  of  the  Goddess,  her  pure, 
sweet  face  turned  upward,  toward  his 
own,  and  her  eyes  looking  lovingly  into 
the  benevolent  eyes  of  her  adorer. 


184      HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

"America!"  exclaimed  the  maiden. 

"Liberte!"  exclaimed  the  youth,  almost 
simultaneously;  and  the  two  were  in  each 
other's  arms. 

The  Queen  of  Night  looked  smilingly 
down  from  the  sky  upon  her  own  reflection 
on  the  lake,  and  as  if  in  sweet  sympathy, 
the  rays  of  her  countenance  seemed  to  em 
brace  their  reflection  in  token  of  love's 
admiration. 

For  a  moment,  neither  the  youth  nor 
the  maiden  said  more;  then,  in  a  low  and 
sympathetic  tone  of  voice,  the  youth, 
looking  into  the  eyes  of  his  maiden  love, 
exclaimed : 

"  Liberte,  why  the  look  of  gladness 
In  those  eyes  to  sadness  turned ; 
And  why  this  face  so  pale 
From  anxious  care 
When  I  am  near? 
Thou  knowest  my  protecting  arm 
Will  shield  thee!" 

Liberte  replied,  with  downcast  eyes : 

"Ah,  well  Liberte  knows  thy  love,  sincere, 
Would  hold  her  in  thine  arms  and  tender  care, 
Lest  thine  enemies  would  take 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY          185 

From  thee  thine  own 

And  in  a  distant  prison  cell  confine  her!" 

America  responded,  in  a  vehement  and 
emphatic  tone  of  voice: 

"Nay,  nay,  mine  own, 
No  shackles  can  resist  the  power 
Of  love  from  souls  made  one ; 
Nor  shall  they  bind  thee, 
Save  these  arms,  first  pinioned, 
And  this  soul,  compressed 
Within  the  limits  of  my  breast, 
Shall  ne'er  be  free 
To  fly  to  thee!" 

The  daughter  of  the  Goddess  exclaimed, 
as  she  drew  herself  closer  to  the  bosom  of 
the  manly  youth: 

"  Ah,  Title  and  his  horde  of  tyrants, 

Free  to  come  between  thy  love  and  thee, 
Would  separate  America  and  Liberte!" 

America  replied,  pressing  the  maiden  to 
his  heart: 

'"Tis  no  honor,  truly,  to  combine 
To  separate  thy  soul  and  mine!' 


i86         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 
Liberte  responded : 

"Ah,  even  honor's  eye  can  scarce  behold, 
Without  adoring, 
King  Title,  in  his  robes  of  gold 
Made  more  alluring!" 

At  this  juncture, Liberte's  name  was  heard, 
in  a  voice  clear  and  audible,  followed  by  a 
second  and  third  call,  which  resounded 
through  the  stilly  night  and  caused  the 
owner  of  the  name  to  draw  closer  to  her 
lover,  who  held  her  tightly  in  his  embrace, 
as  he  exclaimed: 

"Liberte,  fear  thee  not! 
No  power  on  earth  can  take 
Thee  from  my  fond  embrace!" 

Liberte  shrank  at  the  very  thought  of 
having  to  leave  the  caressing  embrace  of 
America,  yet  she  recognized  the  voice  of 
her  guardianess,  and  she  knew  well  that 
she  must  soon  return  to  the  palace,  possi 
bly  to  await  the  arrival  of  another  suitor 
for  her  hand.  In  half -whispering  tones 
of  anguish,  therefore,  she  exclaimed: 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY          187 

"Ah,  truly,  in  thy  care  my  soul  is  free; 
Yet  from  behind  the  castle  walls, 
To  come  to  thee 
Were  effort  vain!" 

America,  in  tones  equally  agitated,  re 
plied: 

"Then  to  the  mountains  let  us  fly;  nor  hesitate! 
The  mountains  love  thee,  Liberte, 
And  thou  shalt  there  be  free! " 

The  voice  of  the  caller  was  then  heard 
again,  more  audibly,  and  was  immediately 
followed  by  the  appearance  of  Madam 
Columbiana,  accompanied  by  Count  Do 
Little  and  two  attendants,  all  of  whom  ap 
proached  from  behind  the  lovers. 

"  So!  "  exclaimed  the  Madam,  pointing  to 
America, 

"  Have  I  recompensed  the  Knight  of  the  Moony 

Fleece 

To  keep  the  moon  turned  on  for  thee 
To  wed  Miss  Liberte? 
Nay!     Unless  thou  dost  depart, 
Yon  moon  shall  leave  thee  in  the  dark; 
And  fair  Liberte  to  the  castle 
Shall  return,  to  grieve  and  pine! 
Begone,  I  say !     Begone ! " 


188          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

America  cried,  as  he  turned  his  face  full 
upon  the  speaker: 

"Nay!     Let  the  Queen  of  Night, 
The  Orb  of  Day  and  all  the  stars 
Of  heaven  retire  to  rest, 
Yet  shall  the  face  of  Liberte, 
Refulgent  from  the  lustrous  Light  Divine, 
Illuminate  my  soul  and  lead  me  on! " 

Madam   Columbiana    responded  sarcas 
tically  : 

"Thou  art  emboldened  in  thy  youth 
To  speak  too  freely  of  thy  love ! 
In  truth  methinks  'twere  better 
That  thy  tongue  be  curbed 
To  utter  words  of  compliment 
To  him  of  noble  birth, 
Who  holds  Liberte's  hand!" 

America  exclaimed: 

"The  soul  of  such  a  suitor, 
Could  it  look  upon  her  face, 
From  sympathy  would  so  pure  become 
That  it  would  flee  the  clay 
To  distant  parts  away 
And  ne'er  return!" 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         189 
Columbiana  replied: 

"  Indeed !     Conceit  is  surely  thine 
If  thou  dost  think 
The  only  one  to  wed  fair  Liberte 
Is  thou!" 

America  responded: 

"Nay!     All  may  woo;  but  only  he 
Whose  soul-protecting  arm 
Shall  keep  her  free  from  blight 
Shall  have  the  right 
Liberte's  hand  to  hold!" 

Madam  Columbiana  at  last  became  very 
much  incensed  at  the  apparent  audacity 
of  the  courageous  youth;  and  addressing, 
first,  her  ward  and  then  America,  ex 
claimed  : 

"  Liberte,  free  thyself 
From  those  plebeian  arms, 
And  to  the  castle 
Wend  thy  way  alone! 
And  as  for  thee,  America, 
In  darkness  shalt  thou  feel  thy  way ! 
The  Moony  Fleece  shall  from 
Yon  moon  withdraw  the  light; 
And  if  thou  be  so  apt 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

As  to  escape  unharmed 

Well  mayest  thou  praise  thy  fate! " 

Then,  in  a  tone  of  apparent  anger,  the 
madam,  turning  partially  toward  the  moon, 
exclaimed : 

"  Knight  of  the  Moony  Fleece, 
Let  not  the  orb  of  night 
Her  sentimental  light  prolong, 
That  o'er  these  hills  and  dales 
May  reign  the  black  of  midnight 
And  obscure  the  distant  rays 
Of  e'en  the  stars!" 

Liberte,  as  a  dutiful  ward,  withdrew 
herself,  reluctantly,  however,  from  the 
fond  embrace  of  her  lover,  and  kissing  her 
hand  to  him,  was  in  the  act  of  backing  from 
him  in  a  half  hesitating  and  disheartened 
manner,  when  black  clouds  separated  the 
moon  from  the  earth  and  absolute  dark 
ness  intervened,  leaving  Madam  Colum- 
biana  apparently  triumphant,  and  America 
gazing  steadfastly  after  his  beloved  Lib 
erte. 

Suddenly,  the  countenance  of  Liberte 
became  illumined  with  a  light,  radiant 


192          HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

As  to  "Her  Madamhood"  and  her  at 
tendants,  the  sudden  appearance  of  the 
brilliant  light  from  the  face  of  Liberte 
must  have  proven  a  shock  to  them,  and  it 
must  also  have  been  convincing  proof  that 
there  was  at  least  one  thing  the  Knights 
of  the  Fleece  had  not,  thus  far,  controlled, 
viz.,  the  light  of  Liberty. 


CHAPTER  XIII 

THE  STATUE  OF  LIBERTY  RECALLED 

The  passage  of  the  "British  Lion" 
across  the  ocean  was  rapid,  owing  to  the 
improved  character  of  electrical  ma 
chinery;  and  as  Columbiason  kept  pretty 
well  aloof  from  his  ancestor  during  the 
remainder  of  the  voyage,  there  was  nothing 
of  importance  to  record,  except,  perhaps, 
a  trifling  incident  which  occurred  as  the 
vessel  entered  the  beautiful  bay  of  New 
York,  and  which  might  possibly  prove  in 
teresting  to  our  readers. 

It  seems  that  toward  the  end  of  the  nine 
teenth  century,  there  had  been  erected  in 
the  immediate  harbor  of  that  great  city, 
by  a  liberty-loving  and  generous  French 
man,  a  statue  of  the  Goddess  of  Liberty; 
and  it  happened  that  the  eye  of  the  an 
cestor — or  "His  Grace,"  as  we  will  call 
him — who  was  standing  with  Columbiason 
in  the  forepart  of  the  vessel  as  it  entered 


194          HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

the  upper  bay,  caught  sight  of  the  statue. 
He  inquired  of  his  posterity  what  the 
statue  represented.  Columbiason  replied 
that  he  had  an  indistinct  recollection 
of  the  meaning  of  the  statue;  that  he  be 
lieved  it  represented  Bartholdi  enlighten 
ing  the  world.  This  answer  seemed  to 
excite  the  greater  curiosity  of  His  Grace, 
who  inquired  who  Bartholdi  was;  and  he 
was  informed  in  reply,  that  he  was  a  dis 
tinguished  Frenchman,  who  dedicated  the 
statue  to  the  United  States. 

The  answer  very  much  puzzled  "His 
Grace,"  who  was  unable  to  reconcile  the 
statue,  in  female  garb,  with  the  form  of  a 
Frenchman ;  nor  could  he  understand  how 
a  man  could  consider  himself  as  the  en- 
lightener  of  the  world  and  regard  his 
statue  of  so  much  importance  as  to  de 
sire  to  behold  it  so  conspicuously  dis 
played. 

An  English  sailor,  whose  duty  made  his 
presence  near  His  Grace  a  necessity  at  the 
time,  happening  to  hear  the  conversation, 
courteously  begged  pardon  for  intruding, 
and,  anxious  to  display  his  knowledge, 
took  occasion  to  inform  the  inquiring  an- 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY          195 

cestor,  in  a  hurried,  half-rambling  sort  of 
way,  that  the  statue  represented  the  God 
dess  of  Liberty;  that  the  French  people 
contributed  the  statue,  which  was  de 
signed  by  a  noted  French  sculptor  named 
Bartholdi,  and  the  people  of  the  United 
States  contributed  the  pedestal,  as  a  foun 
dation;  that  the  statue  was  erected  on 
Bedlow's  Island,  on  which  was,  at  one 
time,  hung  to  death  a  pirate;  that  Liberty 
was  hollow,  but  the  foundation  was  solid; 
that  the  people  were,  at  one  time,  per 
mitted  to  follow  the  arm  to  the  light,  but 
they  had  long  been  deprived  of  that  privi 
lege;  that  the  reason  the  statue  was  de 
signed  and  contributed  by  the  French 
people  was,  because  the  American  people 
had  forgotten  how  liberty  looked. 

The  ancestor,  turning  to  his   posterity, 
exclaimed : 

"Hear  ye! 

Liberty,  a  contribution  to  thy  people, 
To  a  hollow  mockery  reduced, 
Despite  the  solid  foundation 
On  which  she  stands, 
And  thy  people  of  her  light  deprived! 


196         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

Aye,  and  but  a  single  pirate  hung!* 

This,  too,  hear  ye,  to  a  common  sailor  known 

And  not  to  thee;  and  he, 

A  stranger  in  thy  land! 

I  wonder  not  that  on  a  '  lowly  bed ' 

Retired  she,  beneath  the  pedestal 

Which  her  statue  holds, 

To  see  her  light  obscured, 

No  doubt  by  '  Knights  of  Fleece,' 

Who,  pirate  bold, 

Permit  to  stand  her  statue, 

But  her  light  withhold!" 
Columbiason,  upon  having  his  recollec 
tion  so  forcibly  refreshed,  apologized  to  his 
ancestor  for  his  inability  to  enlighten  him, 
stating  that  the  statue  had  so  little  con 
cerned  him  that  he  had  forgotten  its  his 
tory  and  the  purpose  of  its  construction. 
To  this,  the  ancestor  replied  that  it 
might  well  be  hoped  the  goddess  would 
not  sleep  too  long  for  fear  another  sculptor 
might  not  be  found  capable  of  restoring 
her  beautiful  form. 

The  "  British  Lion "  had,  by  this  time, 
nearly  arrived  at  her  pier  in  the  great  city 

*It  is  of  record  that  a  pirate  named  Albert  Hicks  was 
hung  on  the  6th  day  of  July,  1860,  on  Bedlow's  Island, 
near  where  the  statue  of  the  Goddess  of  Liberty  now  stands. 


HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY          197 

of  New  York,  and  Columbiason  had,  after 
the  usual  exertion,  managed  to  get  his  an 
cestor  into  the  cabin.  In  the  mean  time, 
although  early  in  the  morning,  the  craft 
had  been  sighted  in  the  bay,  its  fifty-some- 
odd  flags  flying  in  the  breeze,  and  the  fifty- 
some-odd  geese  apparently  exciting  them 
selves  to  keep  their  positions  on  the  fifty- 
some-odd  lions'  heads,  the  manes  of  which 
were  being  tossed  to  and  fro,  as  if  the  owners 
of  them  were  in  fury  and  anxious  to  be  re 
leased. 

The  ocean  craft  finally  landed  at  what 
was  known  as  "The  Battery,"  a  verdure- 
covered  spot  called  a  park,  where  the  peo 
ple,  on  paying  a  suitable  fee  to  the  repre 
sentatives  of  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece, 
might  go  to  breathe.  It  was  located  at 
the  extreme  southern  point  of  the  city 
which,  in  that  age,  as  now,  was  the  great 
commercial  repository  of  the  wealth  of 
the  nation. 

The  immediate  home  of  Columbiason 
was,  however,  nearer  the  central  portion 
of  the  country.  It  was  formerly  located 
in  the  "District  of  Columbia,"  a  beautiful 
district  set  aside  for  Columbia,  the  worthy 


198          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

mother  of  Columbiason ;  but  the  immediate 
residence  of  Columbia  was  in  the  City  of 
Washington,  the  principal  town  of  the 
district;  and  it  came  to  pass  that,  as  the 
subject  of  foreign  title  and  ancestry  began 
to  absorb  the  attention  of  Columbiason 
and  his  Columbiana,  the  name  "  Washing 
ton"  appeared  more  and  more  distasteful 
to  them  and  they  grew  to  see  little  good 
in  the  district  where  the  son  of  Columbia 
had  been  reared;  they  had,  therefore,  as 
above  stated,  taken  up  their  residence  else 
where.  At  least  a  desire  to  do  so,  long 
took  possession  of  their  minds,  and  it  is 
reasonable  to  suppose  that  the  desire  was 
gratified.  The  exact  location  of  the  new 
residence  does  not,  however,  concern  us  so 
much  as  what  transpired  there.  It  is 
only  fortunate  for  us  all  that  the  residence 
was  not  removed  from  the  country  en 
tirely  to  a  monarchical  government,  which, 
it  was  suggested,  the  Columbiasons  at  one 
time  contemplated  doing. 

The  fact,  however,  that  Columbiason 
did  not  personally  reside  in  the  City  of 
New  York,  necessitated  a  change  of  con 
veyance  for  his  ancestor  and  himself  on 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY          199 

their  arrival  at  that  city.  For  this  pur 
pose,  therefore,  what  was  known  as  an 
"  Aerial  Special,"  in  the  nature  of  a  commo 
dious  and  well-appointed  air-ship,  named 
the  "Falcon,"  was  anchored  in  "Battery 
Park,"  awaiting  his  arrival  with  his  an 
cestral  ashes,  so  that  there  might  be  no 
delay  in  their  reaching  their  destination. 

When  the  "British  Lion"  arrived  at 
"The  Battery,"  daylight  was  well  ad 
vanced,  but  the  people  of  the  great  city 
were  not  very  much  astir;  to  this  was 
possibly  due  the  fact  that  there  were  no 
persons  at  the  landing-place  to  meet  the 
distinguished  personages  on  their  arrival, 
although  communication  by  wireless  teleg 
raphy  had  been  established  between  the 
"British  Lion"  and  the  "Falcon"  before 
the  former  rounded  what  was  known  as 
"Sandy  Hook,"  the  so-called  danger  point 
at  the  southern  extremity  of  the  Jersey 
coast. 

The  change  from  water  to  air  was  a  mat 
ter  of  not  much  more  than  half  an  hour's 
time,  owing  partly  to  the  fact  that  Colum- 
biason  carried  his  ancestor  on  his  back, 
which  his  former  experience  with  that 


200         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

worthy  had  taught  him  was  essential,  if 
he  would  reduce,  to  any  extent,  the  strug 
gling  process. 

Although  the  "Falcon"  contained  a 
gem  of  a  cabin,  with  all  the  comforts  neces 
sary  for  ordinary  mortals,  there  appeared 
to  be  no  place  in  it  for  extraordinary  per 
sonages  of  the  nature  of  ancient  ancestors; 
at  least  that  was  the  case  so  far  as  "  His 
Grace"  was  concerned.  It  is  due  to  the 
ancestor,  however,  to  say  that  any  in 
convenience  which  he  may  have  suffered 
was  caused,  rather  by  his  coat-of-mail, 
shield  and  spear  than  by  his  own  importance, 
which,  however  much  inflated  by  his  pos 
terity,  was,  in  no  instance,  magnified  by 
himself.  Tt  seems  that,  owing  to  the  cen 
turies  of  inactivity  on  the  part  of  the  coat- 
of-mail,  the  spear,  from  rust  and,  possibly, 
from  other  peculiarities  of  nature,  had 
become  firmly  attached  to  the  glove-like 
iron  hand,  for  which  it  seemed  to  have  a 
special  affinity;  and  the  iron  bands,  by 
means  of  which  the  shield  was  held  close 
to  the  breast  of  "  His  Grace,"  had,  through 
the  equal  affinity  for  the  metal  covering 
of  the  left  arm,  rendered  that  formidable 


HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         201 

looking  protector  of  ancestry  equally  im 
movable,  more  to  the  annoyance  of  Colum- 
biason  than  of  "His  Grace;"  for  it  became 
necessary  to  stand  the  ancestral  acquisi 
tion  in  front  of  the  door  of  the  cabin,  or  car, 
first,  on  account  of  his  bulk  and  great 
height,  including  the  height  of  his  spear, 
and  secondly,  on  account  of  the  weight  of 
his  coat-of-mail. 

It  might  well  be  imagined  that  some 
little  time  was  consumed  in  properly 
placing  the  ancestor,  who  thus  far,  ap 
pears  to  have  been  only  a  source  of  trouble 
and  annoyance  to  his  posterity. 

The  polished  window-panes  of  the  tall, 
mammoth  buildings  of  the  great  city  were 
ablaze  with  glow  from  the  reflected  light 
of  the  sun,  which  had  just  showed  its  head 
beyond  the  bridges  connecting  the  bor 
ough  of  Manhattan  with  those  of  Brook 
lyn  and  Queens,  as  the  "Falcon"— the 
"  Aeriel  Special" — rose  above  the  so-called 
"sky-scrapers,"  as  the  tall  buildings  were 
called,  on  its  way  to  the  home  of  the  great 
Columbiason.  The  streets  of  "Greater 
New  York"  were  now  beginning  to  show 
more  activity;  for  the  people  of  the  great 


202         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

city  were  supposed  to  have  arisen  for  the 
duties  of  the  day.  Very  soon  persons, 
whose  attention  had  been  attracted  to 
the  "Falcon,"  began  to  congregate  in 
groups  throughout  the  city,  not  because 
they  had  not  before  seen  an  air-ship,  but 
because  they  had  never  before  seen  an 
ancient  ancestor.  Their  curiosity  soon 
became  more  and  more  active  on  account 
of  the  stately  antics  of  "His  Grace,"  who, 
although  too  solidified  to  bow  or  turn  his 
head,  owing  to  the  condition  of  his  coat-of- 
mail,  turned  first  to  one  side  and  then  to 
the  other,  in  such  dignified  manner  that  the 
people  might  well  have  taken  him  for  one  of 
the  "Knights  of  the  Fleece,"  on  a  tour  of 
the  country.  Then,  too,  the  fifty-some-odd 
flags,  with  the  coat-of-arms  of  the  House  of 
Columbiason,  consisting  of  the  aforesaid 
number  of  geese,  perched  on  the  same 
number  of  lions'  heads,  were  flying  from 
the  "Falcon,"  and  this  did  not  tend  to 
decrease  the  curiosity  of  their  beholders. 
Telescopes  from  all  points  of  the  city  were, 
therefore,  leveled  at  the  speeding  air-craft, 
and  reporters  from  all  the  daily  and  evening 
papers  were  bestirring  themselves  to  ascer- 


HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         203 

tain  the  cause  of  the  excitement  and  to 
place  the  responsibility  for  the  foreign 
ancestral  intrusion. 

Upward  and  onward  moved  the  "  Falcon," 
oblivious  of  anything  it  had  done  to  agi 
tate  the  public  mind.  Soon  it  had  crossed 
the  State  of  New  Jersey — the  alleged  orig 
inal  home  of  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece — 
and  was  winging,  as  it  were,  its  way,  with  its 
precious  freight,  over  the  great  State  of 
Pennsylvania. 

The  passage  from  New  York  was  swift 
and  uninteresting  to  Columbiason,  who 
was  confined  to  the  cabin  by  his  ancestor's 
inadvertently  barring  the  door  to  his  exit; 
and  he  found  himself  resting  comfortably 
on  his  aerial  couch  and  planning  great 
things  for  himself  and  his  posterity. 

When  within  about  two  hundred  miles 
of  its  place  of  destination,  the  "Falcon" 
was  located  by  means  of  wireless  teleg 
raphy,  and  the  great  reception  committee 
was  hurriedly  notified  to  prepare  itself  for 
the  preliminary  duties  about  to  devolve 
upon  it. 

In  good  time  the  "Aerial  Special"  ar 
rived  over  the  great  and  magnificent  city 


204         HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

of  Columbiason,  founded  by  Columbiason 
himself,  in  honor  of  himself,  on  the  occa 
sion  of  his  departure  from  the  District  of 
Columbia.  Park  Columbiason,  situated 
at  the  western  extremity  of  the  city,  was 
to  be  the  place  of  anchorage;  and  gradu 
ally  the  beautiful  '"  Falcon  "  descended  to 
its  place  just  above  the  park,  where  it  was 
securely  anchored. 

The  aerial  craft  rested  quietly,  like  a 
hawk,  on  the  ethereal  waves,  about  fifteen 
feet  from  a  verdure-covered  plain,  lying 
at  the  foot  of  hills  and  mountains,  whose 
shadows  cast  themselves  in  extended 
lengths  over  lakes  and  streamlets  nestled 
in  and  gliding  through  the  beautiful  gar 
den-plain. 

When  the  "  Falcon  "  was  anchored  suffi 
ciently  securely  to  warrant  it,  a  suitably 
constructed  step-ladder  was  lowered  there 
from,  so  as  not  only  to  permit  the 
descent  of  the  occupants  of  the  craft,  but 
also,  the  ascent  of  the  august  reception 
committee,  which  had  appeared  at  the 
place  of  anchorage,  headed  by  its  Chief, 
Pantomime  Decanter,  fully  prepared  to 
enter  upon  its  reception  duties. 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         205 

Finally,  the  said  committee  marched,  or 
rather  struggled,  individually  and  col 
lectively,  up  the  step-ladder,  for  the  pur 
pose  of  conducting,  or  carrying,  the  now 
celebrated  ancestral  ashes  to  the  Colum- 
biason  palace. 

In  the  mean  time,  Columbiason  had 
peered  from  the  windows  of  his  cabin  and 
was  astonished  to  find,  apparently,  no 
preparations  made  for  his  own  reception; 
and  when  the  great  committee,  headed  by 
the  little,  old,  superannuated,  ancestral 
spark,  appeared  before  him,  he  inquired 
as  to  the  meaning  of  such  intrusion.  The 
squeaky  voice  of  Pantomime  Decanter, 
pantomimically  illustrated,  replied  that  it 
was  not  an  intrusive,  but  a  reception  com 
mittee,  whose  mission  it  was  to  conduct  to 
the  palace  the  ashes  of  the  Columbiason 
ancestors. 

Columbiason  inquired  of  the  speaker  who 
it  was  that  had  the  honor  to  address  him? 
With  a  few  more  pantomimic  exclama 
tions,  the  venerable  head  of  the  committee 
explained  his  position  as  the  chief  of  that 
body;  and  being  unable  to  recognize  Co 
lumbiason  since  his  sojourn  abroad,  took 


206         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

it  upon  himself  to  demand  the  ancestral 
ashes,  to  the  great  amusement  of  the  pos 
terity,  who,  after  shocking  the  sensibilities 
of  the  head  of  the  reception  committee  by 
disclosing  his  identity,  inquired  why  a 
reception  had  been  planned  for  the  ashes 
of  his  ancestor  and  not  for  himself.  In  a 
spirit  of  much  agitation,  Pantomime  re 
plied  that  posterity  always  followed  the 
ancestry,  to  which  Columbiason  responded 
that,  if  he  could  get  enough  lubricating  oil, 
he  was  going  to  change  the  custom  and 
make  the  ancestry  follow  his  posterity. 
Of  course,  this  was  beyond  the  compre 
hension  of  Pantomime  Decanter,  who  had 
never  heard  of  such  an  occurrence  through 
all  the  long  period  of  the  Decan  dynasty; 
and  he  simply  stared  at  Columbiason 
until  the  latter  changed  his  glaring  atti 
tude  by  directing  him  to  return  to  the 
palace  and  see  that  a  suitable  reception 
was  prepared  for  the  Head  of  the  House 
of  Columbiason,  who,  with  all  his  dig 
nity,  and  notwithstanding  his  experience 
abroad,  appears  to  have  returned  to  his 
own  country  unnoticed. 

Down    the    ladder    descended    the    dis- 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         207 

heartened  reception  committee,  or  rather, 
that  portion  of  it  that  had  been  able  to 
ascend  to  the  presence  of  the  son  of 
Columbia,  and  Pantomime  Decanter  could 
scarcely  help  feeling  that  he  had  been 
snubbed  by  the  "returns,"  as  visitors  to 
foreign  countries  were,  on  their  return  to 
the  country,  sometimes  designated  in  that 
age  by  the  vulgar  or  plebeian  minded. 

After  returning  to  earth,  Pantomime 
Decanter  and  his  committee  hastened  to 
the  palace  to  carry  out  the  instructions  of 
Columbiason,  and  in  good  time  he  re 
turned  to  the  "Falcon"  with  a  cavalcade 
of  five  hundred  horses,  gorgeously  capari 
soned,  and  mounted  by  five  hundred 
knights  and  their  followers,  all  costumed 
after  the  pre-arranged  plan  suggested  by 
Madam  Columbiana,  on  the  occasion  of 
the  first  assemblage  of  the  great  dignitaries 
at  the  Columbiason  castle  or  palace. 

We  will  not  consume  the  time  of  our 
readers  by  a  critical  description  of  this 
great  cavalcade,  much  preferring  to  refer 
them  to  the  works  of  any  ancient  writer 
on  the  accomplishments  of  "  knight-errant- 
hood"  for  a  description,  which,  if  it  does 


208         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

not  quite  approach  in  splendor  the  unique 
and  antiquated  brilliancy  of  the  proces 
sion  which  awaited  on  the  great  ancestor 
and  his  greater  posterity,  will  at  least 
furnish  the  material  from  which  sufficient 
data  may  be  culled  to  satisfy  the  most 
exacting  imagination.  It  is  proper,  how 
ever,  to  remark  that  the  line  of  pre 
cedency  was  strictly  observed,  as  laid  down 
by  the  grand  master  of  ceremonies. 

When  the  cavalcade  and  the  great  recep 
tion  committee,  and  the  various  masters 
and  keepers,  and  the  populace  in  general, 
began  to  manifest  sufficient  inactivity  to 
warrant  it,  Columbiason  appeared  on  the 
deck  of  the  "Falcon"  before  them,  and 
dancing  his  ancestor  up  to  his  side,  raised 
his  right  hand  to  restore  quiet  and  pro 
ceeded  to  address  the  multitude.  Al 
though  the  address  was  short,  only  a  small 
portion  of  it  is  extant;  but  we  are  glad 
to  be  able  to  furnish,  verbatim,  the  por 
tion  which  has  come  down  to  us,  and  which 
is  as  follows: 

"My  subjects!  It  affords  me  great 
pleasure  to  be  able  to  introduce  to  the 
people  of  the  United  States  of  America 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         209 

my  foreign  ancestor,  who  has  been  care 
fully  culled  from  the  dead  ashes  of  the 
past  and  imported  free  of  duty,  to  live 
among  them  and  breathe  the  air  of  free 
dom  which  it  has  pleased  the  great  Knights 
of  the  Fleece  to  grant  to  all  of  us,  for 
a  consideration  commensurate  with  our 
means!  The  appreciative  demonstration 
which  greets  my  ancestor  and  his  pos 
terity,  repays  me  for  the  mighty  struggle 
which  it  has  cost  me  to  place  him  before 
you;  and  I  am  sure  he  will  meet  with  the 
same  kind  consideration  at  your  hands 
which  it  has  always  pleased  you  to  accord 
to  his  posterity. 

"  It  is  my  painful  duty  to  have  to  inform 
you,  however,  that  my  ancestor  is  not 
able  to  walk  alone,  and  I  may  have  to  call 
upon  you  to  assist  him  to  do  so,  which, 
I  need  not  assure  myself,  you  will  cheer 
fully  do!  (Aye!  Aye!  Hear!  Hear!) 

"To  this  end,  by  permission  of  the 
'Knight  of  the  Oily  Fleece'  I  shall  have 
to  create,  from  among  your  number,  a 
'  Knight  of  the  Oil  Can, '  whose  duty  it 
shall  be  to  lubricate  the  tendons  of  the 
ancient  armor-plate  of  mine  ancestor,  so 


210         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

as  to  enable  him  to  seat  himself  in  this, 
my  country!  (Hear!  Hear!) 

"I  need  not  impress  upon  your  minds 
the  stupendous  fact  that,  having  discovered 
mine  ancestor,  I  am  entitled  to  greater 
honors  among  you  and  among  the  inhabi 
tants  of  the  various  worlds  which  surround 
us;  and  to  this  end,  I  have  applied  to  His 
Majesty,  our  King  of  Great  Britain  and 
the  Emperor  of  all  the  Indias,  for  the  posi 
tion  of  'lord'  (Hear!  Hear!),  which  position, 
it  affords  me  pleasure  to  inform  you,  is 
now  awaiting  me,  and  which  I  shall,  in  the 
course  of  a  few  days  receive.  (Hurrah! 
hurrah!  Hear!  Hear!) 

"It  is,  therefore,  unnecessary  for  me  to 
call  your  attention  to  the  propriety  of  your 
addressing  me  in  future  as  'My  lord,'  and 
referring  to  me  as  'His  lordship ! ' ' 

At  this  juncture,  the  address  appears 
to  have  been  interrupted  by  the  "Poet 
Laureate,"  who,  doubtless,  realizing  his 
opportunity  to  go  down  to  posterity,  flung 
himself  in  front  of  the  Marshal  and  of  the 
Master  of  the  Horse,  and  vented  himself 
of  an  extemporaneous  poetical  effusion  in 
the  following  words : 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         211 

"Me  lord,  me  lord  henceforth  we'll  call  you! 

So  long  as  on  your  face  we  gaze, 
We'll  ever  in  our  hearts  install  you 
A  friend,  a  friend  of  English  ways!" 

This  appeared  to  be  the  signal  for  a 
rousing  cheer,  and  the  multitude  then  took 
up  the  now  famous  verse  to  a  popular 
tune,  and  in  voices  well  blended,  sang  it 
over  and  over  again  until  the  kind  offices 
of  the  Marshal  had  to  intervene  to  restore 
quiet. 

Evidently,  Columbiason  continued  his 
address  after  quiet  was  restored,  but  no 
record  of  it  has  come  down  to  us.  Be  that 
as  it  may,  the  time  finally  arrived  for  con 
veying  the  ancestor  and  his  posterity  to 
the  palace,  and  the  feat  of  securely  landing 
the  former  dignitary  must  have  been  a 
difficult  one.  It  may  well  be  imagined 
that  all  the  assistance  necessary  to  ac 
complish  that  feat  was  proffered  to  Colum 
biason,  but  he  insisted  on  landing  his  own 
ancestor,  reiterating,  in  substance,  his  as 
sertion,  made  on  a  former  occasion,  that 
every  one's  ancestor  required  the  most 
gentle  and  favorable  handling,  and  no 
one  would  deal  as  gently  with  him  as 


212          HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

would  his  own  posterity;  that  for  the  sake 
of  the  ancestor  and  of  the  posterity,  he 
deemed  it  unwise  to  impose  the  former  on 
one's  friends  until  they  learned  to  know 
him. 

Back  to  back,  therefore,  with  his  an 
cestral  supereminence,  Columbiason  began 
the  descent  down  the  fifteen -foot  ladder 
leading  from  the  deck  of  the  "Aerial 
Special"  to  the  ground.  The  heavy  and 
cumbersome  armor-plate  and  the  dignified 
position  of  the  ancestor,  with  his  perpen 
dicular  spear  and  the  firmly  attached 
shield  which  hugged  his  breast,  made  the 
task  by  no  means  an  easy  one;  and  more 
than  once  the  spectators  held  their  breath 
as  the  struggling  posterity,  losing  his  hold 
on  a  ladder-round,  reeled  as  if  about  to 
fall,  and  by  a  Herculean  effort,  regained 
his  position  by  the  almost  superhuman 
strength  of  his  left  arm  as  he  supported 
his  ancestor  with  his  right  arm,  and  then 
grasped  again  the  lost  round  with  his  right 
hand,  as  he  held  his  ancestor  in  position 
with  his  left  arm. 

The  final  descent  was,  however,  attained, 
and  Columbiason  remarked,  breathlessly, 


HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         213 

as  he  placed  his  own  and  his  ancestor's  feet 
on  the  soil  of  his  native  land,  that  he  had 
struggled  with  his  ancestor  on  earth,  on 
water  and  in  the  air,  and  he  now  surren 
dered  him  to  the  kind  consideration  of 
those  who  might  interest  themselves  in  him, 
to  be  conducted  to  a  resting-place  in  the 
palace,  there  to  remain  until  the  arrival  of 
the  title  papers  from  His  Majesty,  the 
King,  and  then  to  be  more  closely  incor 
porated  into  the  family. 

The  struggle  of  the  populace  with  for 
eign  ancestry  was  now  about  to  begin, 
and  the  watchful  eye  of  Columbiason  was 
necessary  to  insure  the  safe  and  careful 
transportation  of  his  ancestor  to  the  family 
home. 


CHAPTER  XIV 

THE   PRECIPITATION   OF  ANCESTRY 

When  Columbiason  turned  his  ancestor 
over  to  the  "common"  people,  great  and 
immediate  preparations  were  made  to  con 
vey  that  distinguished  and  antiquated  sou 
venir  to  a  more  modern  domicile,  in  a  style 
as  much  after  the  ancient  custom  as  pos 
sible,  without  carrying  the  mind  of  his 
adorers  back  so  far  as  to  obscure  the 
modern  methods  entirely. 

To  this  end,  a  large  sedan  chair  was 
hurriedly  constructed,  without  the  chair, 
however;  for  it  was  found  that,  for  "His 
Grace"  to  be  seated  was  entirely  out  of  the 
question,  and  that,  in  conformity  with  the 
dignity  of  his  bearing  as  a  distinguished 
ancestor,  it  would  be  necessary  for  him 
to  stand  erect.  The  sedan  conveyance 
was,  therefore,  constructed  with  standing 
room  for  one,  and  with  sides  sufficiently 
high  to  permit  the  railing  on  either  side  to 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY        215 

come  up  about  to  the  hips  of  "His  Grace," 
leaving  for  an  entrance  to  the  conveyance, 
instead  of  a  door,  a  hinged  rail,  to  be  lifted 
so  as  to  allow  entrance,  and  then  closed, 
to  meet  the  rail  on  the  opposite  side  of  the 
entrance.  The  sides  of  the  conveyance 
were  covered  with  embroidered  and  jew 
elled  cloth,  so  as  to  give  it  a  sort  of  ancient 
monarchical  appearance. 

The  bearers  of  the  conveyance  were  four 
stalwart  fellows,  all  something  over  six 
feet  tall,  and  handsomely  costumed,  after 
the  custom  of  about  the  eleventh  century. 

In  good  time  the  sedan  transport  was 
set  down  in  state  before  "His  Grace"  by 
the  four  stalwarts,  and  after  a  considerable 
struggle,  in  which  Columbiason,  as  the 
posterity,  felt  it  his  duty  to  participate, 
the  ancestor  was  placed  upon  his  feet  in 
the  conveyance,  holding  his  spear  in  his 
right  hand  as  a  support,  and  nobly  bearing 
his  ancient  shield  on  his  left  arm  as  con 
spicuously  as  when  it  was  placed  there  by 
the  desire  of  his  posterity  at  the  time  of 
the  exhuming  of  "His  Supereminence " 
from  his  ancient  tomb. 

How   majestic    appeared    "His   Grace," 


216         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

standing  there,  in  all  his  professional  dig 
nity,  a  tower  of  renewed  ancestral  energy! 
and  how  pigmyean  appeared  even  the  four 
stalwarts,  with  no  coat-of-mail,  and  noth 
ing  to  recommend  them  but  their  own 
ability. 

It  happened  that,  besides  the  great  re 
ception  committee,  the  marshal,  the 
knights  and  the  various  other  dignitaries 
who  composed  the  procession,  a  brass 
band,  of  a  sufficient  number  of  pieces  to 
meet  the  requirements  of  the  Grand  Master 
of  Ceremonies,  headed  the  retinue;  and 
when  everything  was  in  readiness  to  move, 
the  band  began  to  play.  In  response  to 
the  time  of  the  music,  the  stalwarts,  who 
had  carefully  lifted  the  sedan  conveyance, 
with  its  costly  occupant,  found  it  necessary 
to  keep  step  by  a  constant  rise  and  fall  of 
the  feet  and  of  the  limbs  below  the  knee- 
joint;  also,  to  move  their  arms  slightly 
up  and  down,  thus  keeping  the  ancestor 
dancing  to  modern  music,  contrary  to  his 
ancient  custom,  and  so  much  to  the  dis 
turbance  of  his  equilibrium,  that  the  emo 
tional  agitation  of  his  posterity,  at  the 
thought  of  the  possible  fall  of  his  ancestor, 


HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         217 

became  apparent.  A  courteous  request 
was,  therefore,  conveyed  to  the  stalwarts 
to  treat  the  ancestor  gently  and  to  do 
their  utmost  to  prevent  his  return  to  the 
grave.  Such  a  request  to  men  devoid  of 
refined  musical  sensibilities  would,  no 
doubt,  have  been  complied  with  immedi 
ately,  but  to  souls  overflowing  with  har 
mony,  of  which  time  is  a  component  part, 
the  task  of  immediate  compliance  with  such 
a  request  was  not  so  easy;  hence,  it  became 
necessary  for  the  watchful  eye  of  the  pos 
terity  to  be  ever  on  his  ancestor  at  the  ex 
pense  of  his  own  comfort. 

Finally,  the  procession  began  to  move, 
headed  by  the  Marshal  and  the  Master  of 
Ceremonies,  who  were  followed,  first,  by 
the  brass  band,  then  by  Columbiason,  that 
his  own  prophecy  might  be  fulfilled  that 
the  ancestor  should  follow  the  posterity. 
Then  came  "His  Ancestral  Grace,"  borne 
by  the  four  faithful  stalwarts,  and  followed 
by,  first,  the  Reception  Committee,  and  then 
by  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece,  who,  on  this 
special  occasion,  there  being  nothing  to 
fleece,  were  content  to  sink  all  personal 
considerations  and  march  in  the  rear; 


218         HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

although  the  impression  got  abroad  after 
wards,  that  the  protective  policy  of  the 
knights  induced  them  to  prefer  that  posi 
tion  for  the  purpose  of  protecting  the 
so-called ' '  infant  industry. ' '  There  is ,  how 
ever,  nothing  in  history  to  warrant  such 
an  impression,  except,  possibly,  the  fact 
of  the  ardent  desire  on  the  part  of 
Columbiason  to  perpetuate  his  ancestry— 
a  matter  which  could  not  have  deeply 
interested  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece,  if 
for  no  other  reason  than  the  impractica 
bility  of  effecting  an  ancestral  "merger" 
(a  term  used  in  that  age  to  indicate  the 
consolidation  of  financial  and  commercial 
interests) . 

In  the  mean  time,  the  ancestor  had  gotten 
quite  used  to  the  dancing  process,  and,  to 
all  appearances,  was  appreciating  the  music 
rendered  by  the  brass  band,  as  the  stately 
procession  moved  palaceward  to  its  har 
monious  tread ;  at  least,  his  musical  appre 
ciation  might  well  have  been  inferred, 
from  the  constant  motion  or  swaying  of  his 
body  to  and  fro,  and  from  side  to  side,  to  the 
time  of  the  legs-and-arms  motion  of  the 
stalwarts,  whose  souls,  expanding  and  di- 


HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         219 

minishing  with  the  loud  blasts  and  sweet 
diminuendos  of  the  music  of  the  horns, 
dictated  similar  inflections  to  their  cor 
poreal  extremities. 

Before  the  procession  began  to  move, 
the  erect  and  stately  figure  of  the  ancestor 
gave  vent  to  a  rumor  that  the  Statue  of 
Liberty  was  being  removed,  but  when  the 
ancestor  began  to  dance,  it  became  evident 
that  it  was  not  that  statue,  although  it 
was  thoughtlessly  suggested  by  some  one 
that  it  was  Liberty  dancing  attendance 
upon  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece.  Of  course, 
the  ancestor  was  utterly  oblivious  of  any 
rumors  of  this  nature,  and  he  was  getting 
quite  expert  in  his  balancing  feats,  when 
the  great  procession  arrived  at  the  gate  of 
the  Columbiason  palace,  and  with  a  grand 
flourish  of  trumpets  and  corresponding 
sounds  from  the  cymbals  and  the  big  bass 
drum,  the  music  and  the  procession  came 
to  a  sudden  stop. 

However  quiet  and  pacific  the  ancestor 
while  in  his  grave,  the  time-keeping  antics 
of  the  stalwarts  had  convinced  him  of  the 
impossibility  of  continuing  in  the  peaceful 
enjoyment  of  such  quietude  in  his  sedan 


220          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

conveyance;  and  when  those  individuals 
brought  the  conveyance  to  a  sudden  stop, 
"His  Graceful  Supereminence, "  being  en 
tirely  unprepared  for  such  sudden  tran 
quillity,  lost  his  balancing  powers,  which 
he,  doubtless,  thought  had  become  a  part 
of  his  life,  and  precipitated  himself  for 
ward,  over  the  head  of  his  posterity,  who 
was  directly  in  front  of  and  facing  the 
conveyance.  Landing  just  outside  of  the 
ranks  of  the  procession,  the  ancestor 
stuck  his  spear  into  the  arm  of  one  of  the 
so-called  "common  people,"  whose  curi 
osity  had  led  him  to  look  with  longing 
eyes  upon  him. 

This  incident  gave  rise  to  another  rumor, 
viz.,  that  ancient  ancestry  had  assaulted 
the  "common  people."  In  this  rumor 
there  was,  of  course,  a  semblance  of  truth. 
At  least,  the  incident  seems  to  have  been 
of  sufficient  importance  to  warrant  a 
general  discussion,  by  nearly  everybody, 
of  the  subject  of  the  chivalrous  merits  of 
his  or  her  ancestor,  and  to  cause  the  pub 
lication  of  certain  books,  containing  the 
names  and  pedigree  of  every  person  who 
could  claim  descent  from  an  ancestor  of 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         221 

any  kind  whatsoever,  and  from  any  place 
under  the  sun.  This  gave  to  those  who 
were  considered  fortunate  enough  to  have 
their  names  enrolled  among  the  claimants 
of  ancestry  a  certain  exclusiveness,  and  a 
consequent  feeling  of  superiority  over  his 
or  her  neighbor,  considered  less  fortunate, 
and  the  Republic  began  to  fairly  quake 
and  shake  from  the  jolting  of  the  birth 
marks  of  its  caste-bound  citizens,  until  the 
official  titles  of  their  own  country  were  not 
high  enough  to  meet  their  requirements, 
and  there  was  nothing  to  them  worth  hav 
ing,  unless  it  came  from  "  abroad.'' 

The  fall  of  the  ancestor  was  indeed  a  great 
shock  to  Columbiason,  who  regretted  that 
he  had  imposed  upon  the  stalwarts  the 
transportation  of  so  valuable  a  commodity ; 
and  he  more  especially  regretted  that 
through  his  so  doing,  exclusiveness  was 
likely  to  become  too  general.  There  was, 
however,  no  time  to  be  lost,  and  he  has 
tened  to  the  side  of  the  precipitant,  whom 
he  found  intact,  and  whom,  with  the  help 
of  the  stalwarts,  he  assisted  to  his  place  in 
the  sedan  conveyance. 

As  soon  as  the  ancestor  found  himself 


222          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

back  in  the  conveyance,  he  immediately 
resumed  his  dancing  antics,  which  he  con 
tinued  until  informed  by  one  of  the  stal 
warts  that  the  procession  was  not  moving, 
when  he  assumed  a  stationary  attitude. 

On  inquiry  from  Columbiason,  as  to 
whether  "His  Grace"  had  sustained  an  in 
jury  from  his  fall,  the  latter  replied  that 
fortunately  for  him  his  precipitation  was 
not  as  injurious  to  ancestry  as  it  was  to 
posterity,  upon  whom  it  fell. 

Columbiason,  regretting  that  he  had  im 
posed  his  ancestry  on  anybody  else,  ex 
pressed  himself  confident  that  had  he  con 
tinued  the  struggle  alone  the  precipitation 
would  have  been  avoided.  He  therefore 
determined  upon  relieving  one  of  the  stal 
warts  from  his  place  at  the  conveyance 
by  filling  the  position  himself.  The  con 
veyance  was  consequently  lowered  to  terra 
firma,  and  Columbiason  retired  to  an  un 
observed  nook  with  one  of  the  chair-bearers, 
whose  attire  he  donned,  in  exchange  for  his 
own  more  gorgeous  costume,  and  then 
returned  to  the  conveyance. 

The  band  soon  continued  its  sonorous 
harmonies;  the  sedan  conveyance  was 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         223 

again  gently  lifted — this  time  by  Columbia- 
son  as  one  of  the  stalwarts — and  the  pro 
cession  again  moved. 

Columbiason,  desiring  to  keep  his  eye 
on  his  ancestor,  assumed  the  post  of  duty 
made  vacant  by  the  stalwart  who  had  car 
ried  the  right-hand,  rear  handle  of  the 
sedan  conveyance;  and  it  did  not  occur  to 
him,  until  the  procession  began  to  move, 
that  he  had  broken  his  prophecy,  that 
ancestry  should  follow  the  posterity,  by 
following  his  ancestor,  who  preceded  him 
in  the  conveyance. 

When  he  tried  to  reflect  upon  the  possible 
consequences  of  his  reversal  of  the  prophecy 
he  found  that  all  of  his  attention  was 
necessary  to  enable  him  to  support  his  an 
cestor,  who  was  getting  more  and  more 
burdensome  as  the  procession  moved  up 
the  hill  to  the  palace;  for  while  the  great 
Head  of  the  Great  House  of  Columbiason 
had  put  himself  on  an  equality  with  the 
subordinate  stalwarts,  he  soon  found  that 
his  muscle,  which  was  not  as  much  devel 
oped  as  theirs,  was  taxed  to  its  utmost. 

He  tried  to  console  himself,  however, 
with  the  fact  that  even  the  stalwarts  had 


224         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

shown  themselves  unable  to  sustain  his 
burdensome  ancestor,  and  had  permitted 
him  to  be  precipitated  upon  an  unsus 
pecting  commoner,  who,  it  was  afterwards 
learned,  had  not  only  considered  it  an 
honor  to  be  pierced  by  the  ancestral  spear, 
but  had  delighted  in  referring  to  the  in 
cident  as  an  act  of  vaccination  against 
anti-ancestralism.  Indeed,  it  appears  to 
have  been  recorded  that  this  spear-pierced 
commoner  considered  the  puncture  a  mark 
of  dignity,  and  began  to  exhibit  traits  of 
character  which  clearly  showed  his  bom 
bastic  superiority  to  his  fellows,  on  account 
of  it. 


CHAPTER  XV 

THE    WORSHIP    OF    ANCESTRY 

The  procession  finally  found  itself  in 
front  of  the  Columbiason  palace,  facing  a 
large  triumphal-like  arch,  just  under  the 
keystone  of  which  was  an  inscription,  in 
letters  of  gold,  "Welcome,  Title,  to  the 
Home  of  Columbiason." 

Just  then,  the  band  struck  up  the  na 
tional  anthem,  "  My  Country,  'Tis  of  Thee," 
This  so  annoyed  Columbiason  that  he  let 
go  of  the  handle  of  the  sedan  chair  with 
his  right  hand,  which  he  shook  at  the  band, 
crying,  at  the  same  time,  "No!  No!!" 
This  action  caused  all  the  weight  of  his 
end  of  the  conveyance  to  fall  on  his  left 
hand,  which  was  unable  to  endure  the 
strain  put  upon  it,  and  the  handle  slipped 
from  it,  permitting  the  end  to  lean  so  far 
earthward  that  the  ancestor,  despite  his 
balancing  powers,  would  surely  have  had 
another  fall  had  it  not  been  for  Columbia- 


226         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

son's  colleague,  whose  muscular  left  arm 
sustained  alone  the  extra  weight  of  his  end 
of  the  conveyance,  while  the  right  hand 
prevented  a  renewal  of  the  precipitating 
incident. 

In  the  mean  time,  Columbiason,  in 
losing  his  hold  of  the  conveyance,  also  lost 
his  balance,  and  catching  hold  of  the  side 
of  the  sedan  conveyance  with  both  hands, 
fell  on  his  knees  before  his  ancestor,  who, 
from  the  rattling  of  his  visor  and  of  his 
coat-of-mail,  must,  for  a  moment,  have 
been  convulsed  with  suppressed  laughter. 
When  the  rattling  ceased,  "His  Grace," 
addressing  Columbiason,  said: 

"Thou  wouldst  prostrate  thyself  at  the 
feet  of  Title.  He  welcomes  thee  as  an 
other  acquisition  to  his  pseudoic  realm ! ' ' 

Columbiason  was  too  much  overcome 
by  chagrin  to  reply,  and  arising  he  re 
sumed  his  place  at  the  conveyance,  as  the 
band  changed  its  tune  to  "  God  Save  the 
Country, "and  divided  so  as  to  permit  the 
title-bearers  to  convey  "His  Grace"  under 
the  arch,  to  the  foot  of  the  great  marble 
stairway  which  led  to  the  door  of  the  palace. 

As  "His  Grace"  was  conducted  under 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         227 

the  arch,  he  inquired  of  Columbiason  as  to 
the  meaning  of  so  beautiful  a  "bow,"  as 
he  called  it.  Columbiason  replied  that  its 
purpose  was  not  only  to  commemorate 
the  triumphal  entry  of  title  into  the  land, 
but  the  arch  was  constructed,  partly  of 
columns,  the  object  of  which  was  to  sup 
port  it;  and  as  the  first  five  letters  of 
"column"  were  exactly  the  same  as  the 
first  five  letters  of  his  own  name, 
the  arch  was  suggestive  of  Columbiason 
supporting  something,  as,  for  instance, 
"title;"  that  as  every  arch  is  bow-shaped 
and  bow  meant  a  bending  or  bowing,  Co 
lumbiason  was  obliged  to  bow  or  bend  in 
supporting  that  something;  that  the  arch 
was  made  particularly  magnificent  in  order 
that  the  world  might  appreciate  the 
grandeur  with  which  Columbiason  sup 
ported  that  something;  that  the  keystone 
of  the  arch  was  made  of  solid  gold,  and 
entered  like  a  wedge,  thus  binding  the 
whole  superstructure,  which,  without  it, 
would  be  unsupported,  and  title  and  for 
eign  ancestry,  without  the  golden  wedge  to 
bind  them  to  the  country,  would  be  obliged 
to  seek  other  quarters  for  sustenance. 


±28          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

"His  Grace"  replied  that  it  might  be 
better  for  the  country  if  its  keystone  was 
rendered  less  attractive  to  the  ancient  titled 
fraternity. 

On  the  arrival  of  the  procession  at  the 
palace,  Madam  Columbiana  was  found  in 
possession,  with  a  few  descendants  of  some 
"rare"  old  families,  the  tomb-stones  over 
whose  graves  had  long  since  crumbled  into 
decay.  While  those  graves  had  been  so 
cruelly  neglected,  however,  their  existence 
was  still  fresh  in  the  memory  of  these 
"choice"  descendants,  and  that  was  a 
sufficient  guarantee  of  the  entree  of  those 
descendants  into  the  presence  of  the  re 
vivified  ancestral  ashes  of  the  Head  of  the 
House  of  Columbiason. 

The  Grand  Master  of  Ceremonies,  on  the 
arrival  of  the  procession  at  the  palace 
steps,  caused  the  band  of  music  to  divide 
and  the  Reception  Committee  to  form  on 
either  side  of  the  extensive  marble  stair 
way  leading  to  the  palace.  Pantomime 
Decanter,  the  distinguished  Chairman  of 
said  Committee,  which  he  had  preceded 
up  the  stairway,  then  turned  his  face 
toward  the  sedan  conveyance  containing 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         229 

the  honored  guest,  and  rested,  first  on  one 
foot,  then  on  the  other,  in  stork-like  fashion, 
during  the  continuance  of  the  music  dis 
coursed  by  the  band  of  brass.  The  bal 
ancing  feat  of  "His  Grace"  was  in  the 
mean  time  being  tested  to  the  limit  by  the 
time-treading  antics  of  the  stalwarts,  of 
which  Columbiason  was  now  a  prominent 
one,  and  under  whose  instruction  the 
treading  continued  in  gradual  retard  move 
ment  for  a  time  after  the  ceasing  of  the 
music,  so  as  to  insure  a  like  retard  of  the 
balancing  process  and  permit  a  reposeful 
termination  of  the  " graceful"  motions  of 
"His  Grace." 

When  the  music  ceased,  the  absorbing 
thoughts  of  all  concerned  were  suddenly 
disturbed  by  the  apparently  distant  and 
superannuated  voice  of  Pantomime  Decan 
ter,  shouting  from  midway  of  the  palace 
steps.  In  substance,  this  honorable  worthy 
said  that  the  duties  which  he  had  the 
honor  to  perform  were  soon  to  come  to  an 
end,  and  he  desired  to  see  the  honorable 
ancestral  guest  borne  aloft,  not  only  to  the 
highest  steps  of  the  Columbiason  mansion, 
but  to  the  highest  peaks  of  the  land,  until 


230         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

their  snow-clad  crests  should  bear  the 
weight  of  his  "  Superabundant  Eminence  " 
with  as  much  ease  as  he  had  been  borne  by 
the  bearers  of  the  conveyance  which  he 
then  occupied. 

Columbiason  bore  this  allusion  to  his 
struggles  with  his  ancestor  with  as  many 
teeth-chattering  grimaces  as  his  dignity 
would  permit,  and  looked  at  the  long  flight 
of  steps  up  which  he  had  still  to  assist 
"His  Grace." 

How  long  Pantomime  Decanter  had  been 
revolving  the  pantomimic  sentiments  in 
his  antiquated  medulla  oblongata  (as  doc 
tors  call  the  back  of  the  head), before  he 
gave  them  vent,  no  one  but  himself  knew, 
but  they  had  the  effect  for  which  they 
were  intended;  that  was,  to  move  the 
column.  Up  the  stairway,  therefore,  the 
procession  marched,  to  the  subdued  music 
of  the  band,  Pantomime  Decanter  leading, 
and  "His  Grace  Bearers"  coming  next, 
followed  by  the  remainder  of  the  Commit 
tee  and  the  several  functionaries  who  had 
been  permitted  by  the  Grand  Master  of 
Ceremonies  to  participate  in  the  formal 
reception  of  the  ancestor. 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         231 

On  the  arrival  of  the  ascending  column 
at  the  great  double  doors  of  the  palace, 
they  were  opened  with  great  pomp  by  the 
attendants,  and  "His  Grace  Bearers"  fol 
lowed  their  leader  through  corridors  which, 
to  undertake  to  describe  in  detail,  would 
consume  the  time  of  our  readers  unneces 
sarily  and  still  give  them  but  a  faint  idea 
of  the  magnificence  and  grandeur  of  those 
halls.  A  general  and  hurried  description 
of  them  and  of  the  interior  construction 
of  the  palace  will,  therefore,  have  to  suffice. 

The  floor  of  the  corridors  was  composed 
of  most  costly  marbles,  in  settings  of  gold 
and  silver,  interspersed  with  precious  gems. 
The  columns  or  pillars  supporting  the 
ceilings  were  of  equally  costly  marble,  en 
circled  by  bands  of  pure  gold,  which  were 
also  set  with  precious  jewels,  including 
diamonds  of  first  water,  rubies  and  emer 
alds,  the  whole  surrounding  tiny  electric 
lights,  the  rays  of  which  added  immensely 
to  the  already  entrancing  effect.  Add  to 
this  a  sky-blue  ceiling,  similarly  bespangled 
with  precious  stones  and  electric  lights, 
then  add  exquisitely  beautiful  statuary- 
all  chiselled  in  foreign  countries,  thus 


232          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

enhancing  their  value  in  the  minds  of 
the  purchasers — and  last,  though  not 
least,  add  numerous  varieties  of  costly 
palms  and  other  perennial  endogenous 
trees,  arranged  with  most  pleasing  effect 
to  the  eye,  and  particularly  selected  for 
the  occasion,  as  a  symbol  or  evidence 
of  superiority  which  antiquity  had  con 
ferred  upon  them;  then,  let  the  mind  pic 
ture  to  itself  the  fairy-like  effect  of  the 
scene  due  to  various  artistically  arranged 
fountains  with  electrical  effects,  and  shoot 
ing  up  delicately  perfumed  water,  the  de 
scending  drops  of  which  had  the  ap 
pearance  of  stars  shooting  through  a  firma 
ment  of  diamond  dust,  and  one  can  have 
a  glimmering  conception  of  the  dazzling 
brilliancy  which  met  the  gaze  of  the  revivi 
fied  ancestor,  as  he  was  conducted  through 
the  corridors,  on  his  way  to  the  Grand  Re 
ception  Hall. 

When  the  diminished  procession  en 
tered  the  grand  corridors,  the  music  of 
the  brass  band  from  without  the  palace, 
was  hushed  or  drowned,  by  exquisitely 
harmonious  tones  from  harps  and  other 
stringed  instruments  from  within,  the 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         233 

players  of  which  were  unperceived  by  the 
procession,  and  so  arranged  that  the  tones 
emanating  from  their  instruments  seemed 
no  louder  from  whatever  part  of  the  corri 
dors  the  auditors  appeared. 

To  undertake  to  adequately  describe 
the  decorations  and  the  general  artistic 
and  mechanical  arrangements  of  the  Grand 
Reception  Hall  into  which  "His  Ancestral 
Supereminence "  was  ushered,  would  be 
as  trying  to  the  author  as  the  perusal  of  the 
description  would,  doubtless,  be  weari 
some  to  the  readers. 

The  ceiling  of  the  hall  was  bespangled 
in  a  manner  similar  to  the  decorations  of 
the  corridors  and  their  ceilings,  but  the 
walls  were  most  artistically  adorned  with 
paintings  by  celebrated  artists.  One  of 
these  paintings  particularly  attracted  the 
attention  of  the  ancestor,  immediately  on 
his  entering  the  palatial  hall.  This 
painting  faced  "His  Grace"  as  he  entered 
the  hall,  and  was  surrounded  by  a  frame, 
composed  of  closely  set  golden  buttons, 
some  of  which  were  round,  others  oval 
in  shape,  and  others  star-shaped,  but  all 
set  with  diamonds,  and  the  whole  illumi- 


234          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

nated  by  electric  lights  so  artistically 
arranged  as  to  cast  an  even,  yellowish 
light  upon  it,  most  pleasing  to  the  eye, 
and  calculated  to  bring  the  prominent 
features  of  the  work  into  the  most  conspicu 
ous  effectiveness. 

The  painting  itself  consisted  of  a  gold 
dollar,  magnified  to  several  hundred  times 
its  actual  size.  Just  back  of  this  dollar 
was  a  mere  outline  of  a  human  female 
form,  so  faint  in  appearance  that  it  was 
almost  indistinguishable.  This  prompted 
"His  Grace"  to  inquire  of  Columbiason 
the  nature  and  meaning  of  the  form,  and 
why  only  a  portion  of  it  could  be  seen,  and 
that  indistinctly. 

To  this  inquiry  the  latter  replied  that  the 
form  was  that  of  an  angel,  but  it  was 
almost  entirely  obscured  by  the  "  almighty 
dollar."  This  answer  caused  renewed  in 
terest  and  curiosity  on  the  part  of  the  an 
cestor,  who  remarked  that  angels  were  of 
heaven,  but  the  painting  did  not  appear  to 
show  that  celestial  sphere.  To  this  Co 
lumbiason  replied  that  heaven  was  the 
most  conspicuous  part  of  the  painting, 
as  it  was  the  "almighty  dollar." 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         235 

The  ancestor,  expressing  amazement,  said 
that  he  saw  no  place  for  God  on  that  can 
vas,  to  which  Columbiason  replied  that 
God  was  beyond.  The  ancestor  appeared 
deeply  affected  at  this,  and  remarked  that, 
as  God  was  in  heaven,  and  one  could,  in  the 
painting,  see  heaven  only  through  the 
''almighty  dollar,"  God,  also,  could  be 
seen  only  through  that  source,  as  he  in 
terpreted  the  explanation  of  his  chief  sup 
porter.  To  this,  Columbiason  simply 
nodded;  and  "His  Grace"  again  assumed 
a  warlike  attitude  by  .jumping  up  and  down 
in  the  sedan  conveyance,  and  again  im 
ploring  his  posterity  to  return  him  to  his 
grave. 

It  was  some  little  time  before  "  His  Grace 
Bearers"  succeeded  in  quieting  the  bel 
ligerent  dignitary,  and  to  do  so,  it  became 
necessary  to  conduct  him  away  from  the 
painting  so  obnoxious  to  him,  to  another  one 
which,  however,  was  somewhat  similar,  yet 
different,  in  that,  instead  of  one  large  dollar, 
the  artist  had  painted  quite  a  number  of 
gold  dollars,  behind  which  was  another 
form,  this  time  of  a  male,  attired  after  the 
custom  of  an  ancient  knight,  with  coat-of- 


236         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

mail,  similar  to  that  in  which  the  ancestor 
was  imprisoned. 

On  inquiring  of  Columbiason  the  meaning 
of  this  knightly  form,  the  latter  replied 
that  it  represented  "Title,"  and  the  coins 
were  gold  dollars. 

"  His  Grace "  thereupon  inquired  why 
the  artist  did  not  paint  one  dollar,  as  in 
the  former  painting,  instead  of  painting 
so  many  of  those  alluring  coins?  Colum 
biason  replied  that  the  artist  had  the  same 
principle  in  view;  that  he  knew,  however, 
it  took  more  than  one  dollar  to  acqu?1^ 
title;  that  in  one  case,  the  worshipful  love 
of  the  "almighty  dollar"  obscured  the 
vision  to  spiritual  things,  and  in  the  other 
case,  the  artist  evidently  regarded  title  about 
as  ethereal  as  the  angels  and  less  substantial 
than  the  dollars,  which  were  as  conspicuous 
as  they  were  numerous. 

The  next  painting  which  attracted  the 
attention  of  "  His  Grace "  was  that  of 
Pluto,  borne  on  a  car,  drawn  by  four  black 
steeds,  which  he  guided  by  golden  reins, 
linked  together  with  character-dollar- 
marks  of  the  American  dollar. 

The  ancestor's  curiosity  was  doubly  ex- 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         237 

cited  on  perceiving  this  painting,  and  he 
could  not  refrain  from  expressing  his  amaze 
ment  that  a  painting  of  Pluto— the  supposed 
ruler  of  the  spirits  of  the  dead — should  find 
a  position  in  an  enterprising,  living  coun 
try,  where  his  presence,  as  he  thought, 
could  but  be  meaningless. 

To  this  Columbiason  replied  that  the  age 
was  one  of  antiquity,  which,  while  dead  in 
reality,  was  then  alive  in  mind — a  luminous 
reflector  of  the  past;  that  even  the  an 
cestors  were  more  lively  in  that  age 
than  their  posterity,  and  more  intrin 
sically  valuable;  so  lively,  in  fact,  that 
they  were  obliged  to  support  their  posterity, 
many  of  whom  had  no  other  stock  in  trade 
than  ancestral  good  will;  and  so  valuable 
that,  to  those  whose  ancestors  had  slept 
too  long  to  become  revivified,  no  price 
for  the  ancestor  was  too  high  to  receive 
consideration,  if  in  their  power  to  pay  the 
way  of  that  desired  acquisition  into  the 
present;  that  there  was  always  a  market 
for  ancestry,  which  was  regulated  by  sup 
ply  and  demand;  and  the  greater  the  de 
mand,  the  greater  the  price. 

"His  Grace"  seemed  greatly  amused  at 


238          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

this  information,  and  took  occasion  to  re 
mark  that  Pluto  was  supposed  to  rule 
only  over  those  who  had  died  in  their 
sins;  and,  as  he  was  led  to  infer  that  that 
ruler  was  supplying  the  demands,  he  could 
well  account  for  the  activity  in  the  market, 
judging  from  the  other  paintings  which  he 
had  seen. 

There  were  numerous  other  paintings 
on  the  walls  portraying  the  materialized 
thought  of  as  many  artists,  but  we  will  not 
digress  longer  to  describe  them. 

Madam  Columbiana,  when  the  honored 
solidified  and  revivified  ancestral  aones 
entered  the  Grand  Reception  Hall,  might 
have  been  observed  at  the  extreme  end 
of  that  great  auditorium  seated  on  a  sort 
of  support,  resembling  a  modernized 
throne,  her  feet  resting  on  a  jewelled 
foot-stool.  The  Madam  had  been  quite 
satisfied  with  herself  and  with  her  ac 
quirements  during  her  husband's  absence 
abroad.  Her  rehearsals  for  the  reception 
had  been  completed  and  all  her  plans  per 
fected  for  as  grand  a  levee  as  the  century 
would  permit. 

She  had  not  heard  from  her  husband 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         239 

since  his  departure  for  "  Spurn  Head " 
until  wireless  telegraphy  had  announced 
his  approach  to  New  York,  and  afterward, 
by  telegram,  she  had  learned  that  he  had 
taken  aerial  passage  from  that  city.  He 
had  not,  however,  been  announced  to  her 
in  the  reception  hall,  and  she  was  not  a  little 
mortified  at  having  to  receive  alone,  what 
she  had  thought  was  the  urn  of  ancestral 
ashes,  for  which  her  liege  lord  had  crossed 
the  ocean. 

Her  rehearsals  had  placed  her  husband 
by  her  side  in  a  large,  handsomely  deco 
rated  chair,  now  vacant,  and  the  golden 
urn  of  ancestral  ashes  was  to  have  been 
conveyed  in  great  pomp  and  placed  at 
their  feet,  accompanied  by  the  music  of 
many  voices  and  of  many  instruments. 

She  saw  something  enter  the  grand  hall 
and  felt  her  heart  palpitate  from  excite 
ment  at  the  contemplation  of  the  "au- 
gustness  "  of  the  occasion.  But  where  was 
Columbiason,  and  where  the  ancestral 
ashes? 

As  the  Madam  was  thus  soliloquizing, 
the  Grand  Master  of  Ceremonies — Poet 
Laureate — was  discovered  coming  toward 


240          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

her,  followed  by  what  seemed  to  be 
a  mammoth  statue  of  an  ancient  knight, 
towering  ceilingward  and  borne  by  four 
slaves,  clad  in  gowns  suitable  to  the  occa 
sion.  Following  these,  she  thought  she 
detected  the  grand  Reception  Committee 
headed  by  its  chairman,  Pantomime  De 
canter,  whose  ancient  demeanor  appeared 
to  meet  with  her  approval.  Then  came 
certain  other  of  the  receptional  concourse, 
indistinguishable  to  the  Madam,  who  was 
looking  around  expectantly  for  the  Great 
Head  of  the  House  of  Columbiason. 

It  happened  that  the  Master  of  Cere 
monies,  while  he  had  had  occasion  to  observe 
the  armored  ancestor,  was  uninformed  as 
to  who  that  individual  was,  or  who  were 
his  ancestors.  He  was,  therefore,  unpre 
pared  for  the  reception  of  anything  but  a 
golden  urn  of  ancestral  ashes.  Of  these 
he  had  thought  and  rehearsed  and  com 
posed  poetry  for  the  occasion,  as  Poet 
Laureate,  and  he  had  no  reason  to  believe 
that  the  urn  was  not  in  the  sedan  con 
veyance  and  watched  over  by  the  towering 
knight,  whose  attitude  betokened  watchful 
vigilance.  He,  therefore,  gave  no  thought 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         241 

to  the  matter,  resting  assured  that  when 
the  time  came  to  poetize  he  would  show 
his  auditors  that  his  efforts  had  not  been  in 
vain. 

When  he  arrived  in  front  of  the  throne- 
like  elevation  upon  which  was  seated 
"Her  Madamhood,"  he  saluted  the  chair 
and,  turning  to  the  bearers  of  the  sedan 
conveyance,  halted  those  ancestral  sup 
porters  and  the  remainder  of  the  pro 
cession,  in  a  voice  clear  and  commanding. 
The  conveyance  was,  thereupon,  gently 
lowered  to  the  marble  floor,  and  the  stal 
warts  and  their  Chief  wiped  their  perspiring 
brows  and  hands  and  awaited  further  or 
ders. 

For  a  time  silence  reigned,  yet  no  Colum- 
biason  and  no  ashes,  much  to  the  annoy 
ance  of  the  Madam,  who  signalled  for  the 
services  to  begin. 

The  Grand  Master  of  Ceremonies — Poet 
Laureate — then,  facing  at  times  the  throne- 
like  chair  and  at  times  the  sedan  convey 
ance,  recited  his  poetical  effusion  thus: 

"  Our  ancestral  ashes  from  '  The  Spurn' 
Are  now  presented  in  a  golden  urn, 


242          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

Transported  hither  from  a  distant  shore — 
Where  they  were  planted  in  the  ancient  yore — 
To  sow  themselves  anew  on  freedom's  soil, 
That  posterity  may  no  longer  have  to  toil 
And  struggle  to  obtain  them  from  afar, 
To  shine  refulgent  with  the  stripes  and  stars!" 

This  poetical  reference  to  his  former 
peaceful  grave  was  more  than  the  ancestor 
was  prepared  to  endure  without  a  protest, 
which  he  signified  by  once  more  joggling 
himself  to  the  best  of  his  ability,  this  time 
to  the  delight  of  Columbiason,  who,  step 
ping  from  his  place  at  the  conveyance,  in 
truded  himself  upon  the  Madam's  atten 
tion  by  walking  to  the  side  of  the  Poet 
Laureate.  He  then  announced  himself  as 
Columbiason,  and  recited,  as  briefly  as  pos 
sible,  the  story  of  his  struggles  with  his 
ancestor. 

The  mortification  and  chargin  of  Madam 
Columbiana  at  beholding  the  Head  of  the 
Great  House  of  which  she  had,  during  his 
absence,  been  the  representative,  caused 
her  cheeks  to  flush  from  indignation;  and 
she  expressed  surprise  that  Columbiason 
should  have  become  a  slave  and  soiled 
his  epidermis  with  laborious  perspiration 


HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY          243 

in  an  attempt  to  do  that  which  could  have 
been  accomplished  by  his  hirelings. 

Columbiason  admitted  that  he  had  be 
come  a  slave  to  his  ancestor,  whom  he  took 
great  pleasure  in  presenting  to  Madam 
Columbiana,  and  who  was,  thereupon, 
danced  up  to  the  throne-like  chair  with  as 
much  ceremony  as  the  occasion  and  the 
efforts  of  the  posterity  would  permit. 

Madam  Columbiana  was  completely 
overcome  from  the  shock  induced  by  the 
knowledge  that  the  towering,  knightly- 
looking  individual  before  her  was  a  real 
ancient  ancestor;  and  sacrificing  her  dig 
nity,  she  descended  hastily  from  her  chair 
and,  throwing  her  arms  around  "His  Grace, ' ' 
embraced  him  most  cordially  and  enthusi 
astically,  calling  him,  at  the  same  time, 
"Our  Dear  Ancestor!" 

However  diligently  the  ancestor  may 
have  struggled  to  return  to  his  grave,  his 
former  struggles  were  not  a  circumstance 
to  his  vain  endeavor  to  reciprocate  the 
enthusiastic  embrace  of  Madam  Columbi 
ana.  Indeed,  he  did  not  hesitate  to  say 
that  that  occurrence  was  the  only  one  that 
had  taken  place  since  his  exhuming  that 


244          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

made  him  cherish  revivication,  yet  the 
rusty  armor-plate  would  not  yield  to  his 
desire;  and  the  only  way  he  could  show 
his  appreciation  of  "Her  Madamhood's" 
attention  was  to  wiggle  himself  from  side 
to  side  and  strike  the  floor  with  the  end  of 
his  spear,  which  he  did  most  vehemently. 

His  spear,  however,  remained  firmly 
fixed  in  his  hand  and  his  shield  was  firmly 
pressed  to  his  bosom,  as  if  to  protect  him 
against  posterity's  onslaught;  but  even 
were  he  free  to  use  his  arms,  it  is  doubtful 
if  he  could  have  extricated  himself  from 
the  firm  embrace  of  Madam  Columbiana, 
whose  arms  encircled,  to  their  greatest  ex 
tent,  shield,  spear  and  coat-of-mail,  in  the 
exuberance  of  her  cherished  delight  at  the 
opportunity  to  do  homage  to  such  a  tower 
ing  symbol  of  antiquity. 

It  need  not  be  said  that  the  grand  recep 
tion  ended  in  a  fiasco,  upon  the  receipt  by 
the  Madam  of  the  knowledge  of  the  sup 
posed  consanguinity  existing  between 
"His  Worshipful  Gracehood"  and  "Her 
Madamhood,"  as  the  wife  of  the  Head  of 
the  House  of  Columbiason.  Indeed,  every 
other  consideration  sank  into  insignificance 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         245 

on  the  receipt  of  that  information.  Even 
the  importance  of  the  superannuated  Head 
of  the  Reception  Committee  was  permitted 
to  dwindle  into  nothingness  by  that  event 
ful  discovery;  and  the  Grand  Master  of 
Ceremonies — Poet  Laureate — found  his  oc 
cupation  gone  for  the  time  being;  for  the 
Madam  had  discovered  herself  on  suffi 
ciently  familiar  terms  with  "His  Grace" 
to  unceremoniously  invite  him  to  a  "per 
sonal  tea,"  as  she  patted  his  metallic 
cheek  and  exclaimed,  "And  so  English, 
too! "eyeing,  at  the  same  time,  his  helmet 
and  his  coat-of-mail ;  then,  between  the 
struggling  efforts  of  herself  and  her  liege 
lord,  the  ancestor  was  danced  out  of  the 
great  reception  hall,  leaving  the  invited 
guests  and  the  great  Reception  Committee, 
with  the  remaining  dignitaries,  disputing 
over  the  right  of  precedence. 


CHAPTER  XVI 

THE  FLIGHT  OF  THE  ANCIENT  ANCESTOR 

Something  unusual  was  about  to  happen 
in  the  Columbiason  household.  The  Head 
of  that  great  House  was  looking  forward 
to  the  arrival  of  the  title  papers  from  His 
Majesty,  the  King  of  Great  Britain  and 
Ireland  and  the  Emperor  of  all  the  Indias, 
conferring  upon  him  the  title  of  "lord;" 
and  there  was  assembled  in  the  great  hall 
of  the  palace  the  Reception  Committee, 
the  Grand  Master  of  Ceremonies — Poet 
Laureate,  the  Grand  Marshal  and  the  vari 
ous  knights,  including  the  Knights  of  the 
Fleece,  the  Knight  Master  of  the  Horse, 
and  all  the  other  functionaries,  whose 
former  functions  had  been  so  abruptly 
terminated  on  account  of  the  sudden  wor 
shipful  adoration  of  "  His  Ancestral  Grace  " 
by  Madam  Columbiana.  All  these  dis 
tinguished  functionaries  were  instructed 
to  retain  their  receptional  demeanor  for 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         247 

the  coming  great  occasion,  which  was 
to  surpass  in  brilliancy  and  effect  any 
thing  of  the  kind  contemplated  for  the  re 
ception  of  the  ancestral  ashes,  or  their 
solidified  revivification,  "His  Ancestral 
Grace." 

Many  guests  had  been  invited,  but  only 
those  of  English  proclivities;  in  fact,  the 
coming  event  was  to  be  the  greatest  in 
history — the  titular  Anglicizing  of  Colum- 
biason;  and  the  ceremony  was  to  be 
strictly  English,  without  a  single  American 
feature,  except  what  possible  Americanism 
the  son  of  Columbia  and  his  wife  might  be 
unable  to  forget.  Everything  was  Eng 
lish;  even  the  household  servants  and  sub 
ordinates,  and  the  commanders  and  subor 
dinates  of  Columbiason's  briny  craft. 

The  art  and  literature  of  the  Columbiason 
household  were,  of  course,  English,  or,  at 
least,  foreign;  and  American  artists,  play 
wrights  and  workmen  sought  positions  in 
vain  at  the  gates  of  the  would-be  lord. 

As  for  the  ancient  English  ancestor,  he 
was  dined  and  feasted  enough  to  return 
him  to  his  grave,  had  he  not  already  be 
come  hardened  to  the  vicissitudes  of  that 
hadesian  abode. 


248         HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

It  appears  that  the  large  documentary 
envelope  addressed  to  Columbiason  had 
been  posted  from  the  king's  palace  in 
England,  and  that,  through  the  good  of 
fices  of  one  of  Columbiason 's  representa 
tives  there,  a  message  had  been  cabled  to 
that  effect  to  the  "  Imperial "  —pardon  us— 
Columbiason  Palace. 

About  the  time  that  the  title  papers  were 
expected  at  the  palace,  therefore,  the 
Grand  Reception  Hall  was  again  the  scene 
of  commotion,  with  its  grand  masters, 
knights  and  honored  guests,  walking  to 
and  fro,  and  discussing  the  subject  of  the 
good  fortune  of  the  titular  recipient,  to  be. 

Columbiason  had,  in  the  mean  time, 
reiterated  to  his  servants,  that  he  would 
soon  be  created  a  lord,  and  had  enjoined 
them  not  to  overlook  his  former  instruction 
to  address  him  and  refer  to  him  by  that 
title.  This  was  generally  understood  by 
the  assembled  guests;  when,  therefore,  an 
occasion  arose  to  permit  it,  the  Poet  Lau 
reate  repeated  his  original  verse,  which  was 
sung  by  the  chorus,  as  on  a  former  occa 
sion,  in  the  words  following: 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         249 

"  Me  lord,  me  lord,  henceforth  we'll  call  you, 
As  long  as  on  your  face  we  gaze. 
We'll  ever  in  our  hearts  install  you 
A  friend,  a  friend  of  English  ways!" 

"  His  Lordship  "and  "  Her  Ladyship  "  were 
at  this  time  seated  side  by  side  on  the 
throne-like  chairs  in  the  Grand  Reception 
Hall,  separated  only  by  "  His  Ancestral 
Grace,"  who  stood  between  them,  in  his 
usual  dignified  attitude.  "  Her  Ladyship  " 
wore  the  crown  which  she  had  donned  dur 
ing  the  absence  of  "  His  Lordship  "  abroad; 
the  latter  had,  also,  caused  a  crown  to  be 
made  for  himself,  but  he  doubted  the  prac 
ticability  of  wearing  it,  however  pleasant 
it  might  be  to  himself,  personally,  to  do  so. 

At  last,  a  messenger,  to  whom  had  been 
assigned  the  special  duty  of  announcing 
the  arrival  of  the  title  papers  from  His 
Majesty,  the  English  King,  appeared  in 
knee  breeches  and  other  English  para 
phernalia  suitable  to  the  occasion,  and 
made  that  long-looked-for  announcement. 

The  effect  of  the  announcement  was  an 
immediate  and  spontaneous  hurrah!  by 
every  person  present.  When  quiet  was 


250         HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

restored,  "His  Lordship"  promptly  di 
rected  to  have  the  documentary  envelope 
delivered  to  him  in  a  manner  worthy  of 
his  dignity  and  station. 

The  invited  guests  then  began  to  con 
gratulate  themselves  and  one  another  on 
their  having  been  honored  by  an  invitation 
to  be  present  upon  so  august  an  occasion, 
and  to  vie  with  one  another  in  their  obse 
quious  attentions  to  "  His  Lordship "  and 
"Her  Ladyship." 

The  great  occasion  was  finally  ushered 
in  by  the  appearance  of  the  Grand  Master 
of  Ceremonies,  followed  by  a  brass  band, 
playing  a  tuneful  air,  composed  specially 
for  the  occasion.  The  band  was  followed 
by  two  maidens,  in  whose  hands  were  held 
a  golden  tray,  on  which  was  the  expected 
envelope.  These  maidens  wore  long,  trail 
ing  dresses,  the  trains  of  which  were  held 
by  two  pages,  attired  in  knee  breeches. 

Following  the  pages  was  the  Knight  of 
the  Golden  Fleece,  who  seemed  to  appre 
ciate  the  dignity  of  his  importance. 

After  encircling  the  grand  hall,  the  band 
marched  nearly  to  the  throne-like  chair 
and  then  divided,  permitting  the  two 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         251 

maidens  to  tender  the  golden  tray,  with  its 
imperial  envelope,  to  the  Master  of  Cere 
monies,  who  took  the  tray  from  the  hands 
of  the  maidens  and  presented  it  to  "  His 
Lordship."  The  latter  slowly  and  pom 
pously  took  the  documentary  envelope 
from  the  tray,  and  began  as  pompously 
to  open  it.  The  Knight  of  the  Golden 
Fleece  then  grabbed  the  golden  tray,  and 
the  band  struck  up  "In  the  Grip  of  the 
Fleecing  Knight,"  a  popular  air  of  the 
time. 

"  His  Lordship,"  after  the  music  had  con 
tinued  for  a  moment,  raised  his  hand  for  it 
to  cease,  and  drawing  a  document  from  the 
envelope,  arose  and  announced  that  he  had 
refrained  from  reading  it  to  himself  because 
he  wished  to  have  everybody  present 
share  in  the  good  news  which  it  contained. 
He  then  proceeded  to  read  aloud  as  follows : 

"To  His  Excellency,  Columbiason,  the 
Son  of  Columbia, 

"  The  Columbiason  Palace,  United  States 
of  America. 

"Sir: 

"  His  Majesty,  the  King  of  Great  Britain, 
and  Emperor  of  all  the  Indias,  takes  great 


252          HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

pleasure  in  acknowledging  the  receipt  of 
your  valued  and  esteemed  favor  of  recent 
date,  and  to  congratulate  you  on  your 
readiness  to  receive  Imperial  Title." 

"His  Lordship"  was  here  interrupted  by 
tremendous  applause  from  his  auditors, 
to  whom  he  bowed  in  grateful  acknowledg 
ment.  After  quiet  was  again  restored,  he 
continued  the  reading  of  the  epistle,  as 
follows : 

"  His  Majesty  instructs  me,  however,  to 
express  to  Your  Excellency  his  deep  regret 
that  all  the  titles  in  his  vast  domains  have 
been  bestowed — upon  his  own  people,  of 
course,  for  whom  he  has  a  preference — 
and  to  say  to  you  that  in  the  event  of  the 
decease  of  all  the  people  of  his  realm,  your 
name  shall  surely  receive  consideration. 
In  the  mean  time,  I  take  pleasure,  per 
sonally,  in  assuring  Your  Excellency  that 
your  application  shall  be  filed  away  for 
future  reference. 

"  I  have  the  honor,  sir,  to  be 
"  Yours  respectfully, 

"Secretary  to  the  King." 

The  manner  in  which  Columbiason  read 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         253 

the  latter  portion  of  the  letter  can  better 
be  imagined  than  described.  A  look  of 
indignant  surprise  was  in  his  face  and  fire 
was  in  his  eye  as  he  finished  the  last  sen 
tence.  Then,  tearing  the  letter  in  twain, 
he  threw  it  on  the  platform  as  he  walked 
to  and  fro,  and,  in  sonorous  tones  of  un- 
suppressed  anger,  exclaimed,  partly  to  him 
self  and  partly  to  his  auditors,  of  whom, 
however,  he  must  have  been  oblivious: 

"What's  this,  this  letter  doth  unfold? 
The  king  the  title  doth  withhold! 
For  naught  have  I  a  friend  remained 
Of  English  ways,  and  entertained 
His  lords  and  nobles  with  my  gold ! 
My  yacht  in  English  water  lies, 
With  English  crew  and  merchandise ! 
My  servants  that  remain  on  land 
Are  English  of  the  purest  brand, 
Yet,  hath  the  English  king  refrained 
From  granting  me  the  title  named! 
Ah,  English  king!     Beware!     Beware! 
'Tis  well,  'tis  well  you're  over  there!" 

So  saying,  the  Head  of  the  House  of  Co- 
lumbiason  shook  his  fist  in  air,  while  the 
ancestor  exhibited  every  sign  of  hilarious 


254         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

commotion  by  the  joggling  of  his  metallic 
jaws,  and  once  more  rapidly  raising  and 
lowering  his  feet. 

In  the  mean  time,  Madam  Columbiana 
had  left  her  chair  and,  snatching  her  crown 
from  her  head,  held  it  high  in  air  with  one 
hand  while  she  outdid  the  pantomimics  of 
Pantomime  Decanter  by  shaking  the  fist 
of  the  other  hand  at  it,  to  the  amusement 
of  the  audience,  which  was  unable  to  en 
tirely  suppress  the  Anglican  merriment 
which  bubbled  within  its  soul. 

It  happened  at  this  time  that  the  well- 
trained  chorus,  on  looking  for  the  Master 
of  Ceremonies  for  a  signal  to  begin  the  ser 
vice  of  song,  were  unable  to  discover  him 
among  the  audience,  and,  thinking  the 
time  propitious  for  the  music  to  begin, 
opened  their  throats  in  unison  and  sang 
the  previously  much  appreciated  song: 

"Me  lord,  me  lord,  henceforth  we'll  call  you, 
As  long  as  on  your  face  we  gaze. 
We'll  ever  in  our  hearts  install  you 
A  friend,  a  friend  of  English  ways!" 

Whatever  might  have  happened  had  the 
chorus  not  gone  off  leaderless  and  reck- 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         255 

lessly  as  it  did,  the  song,  at  that  inoppor 
tune  moment,  added  no  less  fuel  to  the  fire, 
when  the  fists  of  the  Heads  of  the  House  of 
Columbiason  were  beating  the  air  for  the 
want  of  something  more  tangible  to  pound. 

However  oblivious  Columbiason  and  his 
wife  might  have  been  of  the  audience  be 
fore  the  singing  of  the  song,  it  forcibly 
brought  to  the  minds  of  both  of  them  the 
fact  of  the  presence  of  the  carefully  se 
lected  auditors,  the  subjects  of  the  King 
of  Great  Britain  and  Ireland,  Emperor, 
etc.,  and  tended  to  greater  enrage  Colum 
biason,  who  was  already  boiling  within 
and  without  from  the  great  disappoint 
ment  which  the  letter  from  the  secretary 
to  the  king  had  caused.  Indeed,  he  was 
loath  to  look  upon  the  audience  at  all, 
much  less  to  longer  cherish  its  society;  and 
summoning  his  secretary,  he  openly  di 
rected  the  dismissal  of  all  of  his  servants, 
who  were  English  subjects,  to  the  manifest 
disgust  of  the  whole  audience,  which  unani 
mously  exclaimed  "O—  — !" 

The  whole  assembly  then  joined  in  the 
same  aggravating  chorus  that  had  just 
before  been  sung,  while  the  Columbiasons 


256         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

were  dancing  about  with  rage,  which  was 
more  aggravated  by  the  sarcastic  hilarity 
of  the  audience,  as  it  took  it's  departure 
from  the  Grand  Reception  Hall,  leaving 
the  host  and  hostess  dumbfounded,  cha 
grined  and  mortified  beyond  any  de 
scription  of  which  tongue  or  pen  is  capable- 

After  the  audience  had  departed,  Madam 
Columbiana  hurriedly  made  her  exit  from 
the  hall,  leaving  Columbiason  alone  with 
his  ancestor,  who  was  still  swaying  from 
side  to  side  and  stamping  upon  the  marble 
floor  in  a  state  of  great  jollity. 

Columbiason,  in  his  rage,  had,  for  the 
time  being,  overlooked  the  ancestor,  whose 
presence  was  finally  made  manifest  by  the 
constant  treading  of  his  feet  on  the  marble 
platform,  on  which  the  two  empty  throne- 
like  chairs  were  standing. 

On  discovering  that  antiquated  indi 
vidual,  standing  between  and  just  back  of 
the  empty  throne-like  chairs,  he  turned 
suddenly  and,  advancing  toward  him, 
exclaimed : 

"And  thou!  Why  have  I  struggled  to 
import  thee  to  the  land  of  my  worthy 
progenitress,  whom,  for  thee,  I  spurned? 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         257 

Where  is  my  sabre,  that  I  may  shear  thee 
of  thy  lion's  mane  and  free  thee,  to  return 
to  thine  Anglican  grave?  Mine  Ancestor! 
Repudiate  I  thee  as  such!  See  thy  goose's 
head  and  its  beady  eyes,  with  their  idiotic 
stare,  and  dare,  if  thou  wilt,  to  call  them 
mine!  And  yet,  they  call  thee  'Grace.' 
Ha,  ha,  ha,  ha!  The  only  graceful  thing 
about  thy  carcass  is  thy  coat-of-mail,  and 
that  so  rusty  that  thou  canst  not  walk 
without  mine  aid!  Oh,  why  did  I  take 
thine  ancient  ashes  from  their  cold  sarcoph 
agus,  thy  resting-place,  and  breathe  therein 
the  breath  of  life,  that  brought  thee  hither? 
Speak,  if  thou  wilt,  and  tell  me  how  thou 
madest  of  me  so  great  a  fool? " 

The  feet  of  the  ancestor  had,  in  the 
mean  time,  ceased  to  move,  and  he  re 
mained  quiet  and  erect,  a  ready  listener. 
Then,  replying  to  the  interrogatory  of  his 
posterity,  he  exclaimed : 

"Thou  hast  spoken  well!  'Tis  only  by 
thine  aid  I  walk,  and  only  by  thy  will  that 
I  am  here.  As  to  the  lion's  mane,  'tis 
thine,  as  well  the  goose's  head  and 
beady  eyes,  and  even  the  coat-of-mail— 
all  thine;  and  from  thine  own  imagination 


258          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

culled,  thyself  to  please.  Aye,  whatever 
virtues  I  possess  are  also  thine! " 

"  Hold ! "  interrupted  the  posterity, 
"  speak  not  to  me  of  virtues  thou  dost  not 
possess !  Stupendous  truth  revealeth  to  my 
mind  thou  art  but  naught;  yet  thou  dost 
virtues  claim  and  vaunt  thyself  on  earth 
as  truly  great! " 

"Nay!"  replied  the  ancestor,  "whatever 
greatness  I  possess  is  thine;  whatever 
vaunting  I  would  do  thou  wouldst  have  it 
•so.  If  thou  virtues  give  me  not,  I  can 
them  ne'er  reflect.  Thou  sayest  truly; 
I  am  but  naught.  Thou  art  in  me  reflected, 
both  in  evil  and  in  good ;  nor  have  I  called 
thine  evils  or  thy  virtues  mine,  much  less 
thy  idiotic  air  that  took  me  from  my  grave 
and  brought  me  here! " 

"Avaunt,  vile  thing!"  cried  the  pos 
terity,  in  tones  of  renewed  anger.  "This 
moment  will  I  lubricate  thy  joints  and  let 
thee  go!  To  tempt  me  to  revivify  thee, 
thou  art  not  content,  but  must  insult  and 
vex  me  to  restore  thee  to  thy  grave ! " 

Then,  summoning  the  Knight  of  the  Oil 
Can,  the  posterity  grabbed  the  can  from 
his  hand,  and  again  addressing  his  ancestor 


as  he  proceeded  to  oil  the  rusty  joints  of 
his  coat-of-mail,  he  exclaimed : 

"  Tis  I  who  hither  brought  thee,  and 
'tis  I  who  send  thee  hence! " 

The  ancestor  replied,  "  Little  needest 
thou  think  the  power  of  title  gone!  Nay, 
did  not  thine  ancestor  require  rest,  thy 
struggles  would  this  moment  be  renewed 
and  thou  wouldst  be  tugging  him  back  to 
his  grave,  there  to  lie  until  again  recalled 
to  'pease  the  cravings  of  thy  mind! " 

Columbiason,  having  lubricated  the  last 
joint  of  his  ancestor,  drew  back  and  in 
quired  in  a  tone,  as  commanding  as  it  was 
fierce : 

"Who  art  thou,  that  thou  torment  and 
vex  me  thus?" 

Then,  drawing  the  sword  from  the 
scabbard  of  his  ancestor,  he  cried : 

"  Reveal  thyself,  lest  I  sever  with  thine 
own  sword,  thy  rusty  coat-of-mail,  and 
in  mine  anger  pierce  thee  through  and 
through!" 

The  ancestor  replied: 

"  I  am  his  Pseudoic  Majesty,  King 
Pseudo,  the  King  and  Emperor  of  the 
whole  Pseudoic  realm! " 


260         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

Columbiason  immediately  dropped  his 
sword  and  stood  aghast.  Another  mo 
ment  and  the  coat-of-mail  dropped  to  the 
floor  and  the  ancestor  was  gone. 

In  the  mean  time,  the  Knight  of  the  Oil 
Can  had  disappeared,  and  Columbiason, 
finding  himself  alone,  picked  up  the  sword 
of  his  ancestor  and  raising  it  on  high, 
swore  to  be  avenged;  then,  restoring  it  to 
its  scabbard,  he  donned  the  ancestral  coat- 
of-mail,  which  had  fallen  at  his  feet,  and 
covering  his  breast  with  the  shield,  he 
stalked,  spear  in  hand,  from  the  grand 
hall,  his  mind  bent  upon  seeking  redress 
for  the  assumed  ancestral  wrongs  and 
struggles  which  had  been  imposed  upon 
him. 


THE  COAT    OF   MAIL   DROPPED   TO   THE    FLOOR   AND   THE 
ANCESTOR   WAS   GONE. 


CHAPTER  XVII 

THE    COMBAT 

The  moon  had  risen  above  the  tops  of  the 
trees,  and  her  face,  full  and  plump,  like  the 
face  of  a  well-kempt  matron,  was  looking 
down  on  the  mirror-like  lake,  which  reflected 
the  radiancy  of  her  smiling  countenance 
upon  its  clear  and  transparent  surface. 

The  night  was  quiet  and  serene;  all  the 
birds  had  gone  to  rest  and  there  was  noth 
ing  to  disturb  the  ethereal  calm,  save  the 
figure  of  a  knight-like  spectre,  clad  in 
heavy  coat-of-mail,  and  walking  with  slow 
and  measured  tread,  down  the  beautiful 
shady  walk  which  led  to  the  mirror  lake, 
over  which  the  sweet  songs  of  Liberte  and 
America  had  so  charmingly  blended,  and 
upon  the  face  of  whose  waters  the  ancient 
knight  had  reflected  himself  to  the  great 
Head  of  the  House  of  Columbiason,  and 
impelled  him,  at  the  sight  of  his  beautiful 
vision  form,  to  undertake  the  struggles 
which  had  ended  in  a  double  fiasco  and 


262          HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

caused  his  bosom  to  swell  with  indignation 
and  his  heart  to  become  hardened  against 
the  ancient  intruder  upon  his  peaceful  and 
satisfied  mentality. 

The  tread  of  the  spectre  was  no  less  de 
termined  than  his  eyes,  nor  his  right  hand, 
which  held  a  long  spear,  pointing  slightly 
forward,  as  if  prepared  for  battle.  His 
teeth  were  set  firmly  and  tenaciously,  but 
a  murmuring  sound  might  have  been 
heard  from  between  them,  somewhat  re 
sembling  the  dangerous  growl  of  a  bulldog 
preparing  for  a  row  with  a  fellow-inter- 
ferer  with  his  peaceful  possession  of  a 
bone.  The  murmur  sometimes,  however, 
assumed  articulate  resonance,  and  the 
spectre  gave  vent  to  expressions  of  wrath 
ful  gloating  at  an  apparent  victory  over  an 
adversary,  in  language  as  follows : 

"He  fell  beneath  my  feet  and  left  me 
but  his  coat-of-mail,  which  fits  me  well. 
Aye,  with  it  will  I  wreak  my  vengeance  on 
the  cause  of  all  my  woes!  The  bloody 
deeds,  O  Ancestor!  of  which  this  ancient 
spear  can  tell  the  tale,  shall  now  repeat 
themselves  in  thy  posterity,  and  Colum- 
biason  shall  ne'er  again  be  made  the  willing 
tool  of  ancient  knighthood's  wily  ways! 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         263 

Be  firm,  O  spear!  Tremble  not  from  fear, 
thou  coat-of-mail,  but  bear  thyself  cour 
ageous,  as  of  yore!  Aye,  if  thou  bear  the 
battle  well,  I'll  pin  thee  to  the  castle  wall, 
that  after  generations  may  perceive  thy 
rusty  steel,  renewed  by  polish  from  the 
touch  of  spear,  and  made  more  lustrous  by 
thy  victory!" 

Thus  venting  himself,  the  spectre 
wended  his  way  toward  the  lake,  with  the 
same  measured  tread,  to  which  the  rattling 
armor-plate  kept  time. 

At  last  he  reached  the  beach  near  which 
reposed,  in  peaceful  attitude,  the  charming 
lake,  made  luminous  by  sweet  Luna's  beam 
ing  face;  and  there,  with  visor  down,  he, 
in  warlike  attitude,  approached  that 
aqueous  body,  at  the  spot  where  last  ap 
peared  the  ancient  knight. 

"Ha!  Ha!"  ejaculated  the  Head  of  the 
House  of  Columbiason,  as  he  gazed  fero 
ciously  into  the  lake  (for  the  mail-clad 
spectre  was  none  other  than  he),  "  I  have 
thee  now,  vile  ancient  knight  of  yore!  Lift 
up  thy  visor  and  reveal  again  thy  face, 
whose  hypocritical  smile  allured  me!  Thou 
whose  words  have  caused  me  misery  un 
told.  Reveal  thyself,  I  say!" 


264         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

The  ancient  knight  made  no  reply,  al 
though  he  showed  himself  ready  for  fight. 
At  least,  he  assumed  a  defensive  attitude, 
his  shield  well  covering  his  breast  and  his 
spear  held  firmly  in  his  hand  and  pointed 
toward  his  antagonist. 

Columbiason,  having  well  in  mind  what 
the  ancient  knight  must  say  in  reply,  ad 
dressed  him  further,  thus: 

"Thou  dost  deny  that  thou  didst  dis 
turb  my  peace  and  that  thou  madest  me 
struggle  to  obtain  a  goose's  head  and  lion's 
mane  to  pose  upon  a  coat-of-mail,  as  the 
ancient  ancestor  of  thy  combatant.  False 
knight,  thou  liest!  Who  but  thou  couldst 
so  deceive?  And,"  he  continued,  "dost 
thou  deny  that,  before  a  mere  nonenity, 
thou  didst  cause  Columbiason  to  bow  the 
knee  in  obsequious  servility?  Thou  durst 
not  so  deny!  Nay,  by  thy  silence,  thou 
dost  but  admit  the  charge!  And  what  is 
left  me  after  all  my  toil?  Naught  but 
this  ancient  coat-of-mail  and  this  sword 
and  shield  and  spear,  with  which  to  make 
thy  miserable  carcass  sink  beneath  the 
waters  of  this  lake,  to  rise  no  more!" 

After  Columbiason  had  thus  expressed 
himself  to  the  ancient  knight,  he  danced 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         265 

to  and  fro  along  the  shore  of  the  lake, 
staring  at  his  adversary,  who  kept  ready 
pace  with  him.  He  then  cried,  "  Defend 
thyself  in  vain,  sir  knight;  for  a  watery 
grave  awaits  thy  sophisticated  soul! " 

Then,  fixing  his  spear  for  the  attack,  he 
disturbed  the  peaceful  serenity  of  the 
beautiful  lake  by  charging  upon  his  ad 
versary  with  full  force,  his  spear  pene 
trating  the  shield  of  the  ancestral  armor- 
plate  and  vanquishing  the  emissary  of 
his  Pseudoic  Majesty  as  completely  as  it 
occasioned  the  temporary  disappearance 
of  the  great  Head  of  the  House  of  Colum- 
biason. 

For  a  moment,  there  was  nothing  on  the 
face  of  the  lake  at  the  immediate  place 
of  division  but  laughing  ripples,  which 
seemed  to  grow  more  boisterous  from  sym 
pathy  with  the  hilarious  outburst  of  the 
matronly  Queen  of  Night,  whose  coun 
tenance  reflected  laughing  indentures  in 
the  previously  placid  surface  of  the  lake. 

In  reality,  however,  the  boisterousness 
was  due  to  the  efforts  to  arise  of  the  com 
batant,  whose  helmet  soon  protruded  it 
self  above  the  disquieted  surface,  followed 
by  Columbiason  himself,  who  finally  ob- 


266          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

tained  a  firm  foot-hold  on  the  sound, 
sandy  bottom  of  the  agitated  water,  from 
which  he  soon  triumphantly  emerged,  with 
no  other  evidence  of  the  fierce  conflict 
than  an  apparent  exhaustive  puffing,  the 
loss  of  his  spear,  which  was  sticking  some 
where  in  the  bottom  of  the  lake,  and  the 
dropping  from  his  coat-of-mail  of  large 
drops  of  aqueous  gore. 

Flushed  with  victory,  nor  turning  to  see 
whether  the  soul  of  his  former  antagonist 
had  taken  flight  beyond  the  firmament, 
or  descended  with  his  carcass  to  watery 
depths,  the  former  belligerent  stalked  up 
the  beautiful  walk,  as  he  exclaimed  to 
himself,  "  Columbiason,  content  with  his 
ducking,  may  well  be  consoled  with  the 
fact  that  he  has  rid  himself  of  his  ancient 
ancestor  and  annihilated  the  chief  em- 
bassador  of  his  Pseudoic  Majesty!" 

Her  Luna  Majesty,  suppressing,  as  well 
as  she  could,  the  laughter  which  the  pseudoic 
conflict  had  occasioned,  lifted  her  stately 
gown  and  stepped  gently  over  the  trees 
toward  her  home. 

The  turbulent  lake  had  again  become 
placid,  and  only  the  shadows  of  the  sur- 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         267 

rounding  trees  and  foliage  were  left  to 
bear  witness  to  the  historical  incident 
which,  but  for  the  courtesy  of  his  Pseudoic 
Majesty,  to  whom  we  are  indebted,  would 
not  have  come  down  to  us. 

The  palatial  residence  of  the  Colum- 
biasons  was  as  quiet  as  the  peaceful  lake. 
The  guests  had  departed;  the  various 
functionaries  had  dispersed  themselves  to 
their  proper  quarters,  and  Madam  Colum- 
biana  had  long  since  retired  to  her  chamber, 
overflowing  with  vexation  and  humilia 
tion,  when  the  great  gates  of  the  palace 
were  swung  open  to  admit  the  hero  of  so 
many  ancestral  adventures,  and  were  then 
forever  closed  to  ancient  ancestry,  whom 
the  great  Head  of  the  House  of  Columbia- 
son  had  relegated  to  obscurity. 

Weary  and  fatigued  from  his  belligerous 
exertions,  Columbiason,  on  entering  the 
palace,  immediately  found  his  way  to  his 
sleeping-apartments  and  readily  fell  into 
the  arms  of  Morpheus,  who,  knowing  the 
hour  was  late,  had  extended  them  to  re 
ceive  him.  There  was  nothing  to  disturb 
his  peaceful  slumber.  His  mind  was  free 
from  care  and  anxiety;  for  he  felt  he  had 


268         HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

fought  a  good  fight  and  achieved  a  victory 
over  an  enemy  as  false  as  he  was  fascina 
ting  and  alluring. 

The  day  was  well  spent  when  Colum- 
biason  awoke.  The  sun  was  high  in  the 
heavens  and  its  rays  had  entered  the  win 
dows  of  the  hero's  chamber,  played  with 
the  frescoed  ceiling  and  saluted  the  paint 
ings  on  the  wall,  entirely  unconscious  of  the 
great  conflict  which  had  taken  place  the 
night  before.  They  were  fast  approaching 
the  coat-of-mail,  which  the  champion  had 
placed  at  the  foot  of  his  bed  on  retiring  for 
the  night,  when  the  eye  of  the  former  bel 
ligerent,  now  mild  and  peaceful,  opened 
to  meet  those  welcome  messengers  from 
his  Diurnal  Majesty. 

After  a  comfortable  stretch,  so  usual 
among  humanity  in  general,  before  arising 
in  the  morning,  Columbiason  was  about 
to  arise  from  his  bed,  when  he  caught 
sight  of  the  coat-of-mail,  which  had  so 
successfully  accompanied  him  to  victory 
on  the  preceding  night,  and  raising  himself 
on  his  elbow,  he  cried : 

"  Ha !  ha !  thou  chivalrous  mail-coat !  thou 
art  the  only  thing  bequeathed  to  me  by 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         269 

my  accursed  ancient  ancestor  worthy  of  any 
consideration  from  mine  hands;  and,  true 
to  my  promise,  I  shall  affix  thee  firmly  to 
the  palace  wall  for  future  generations  to 
admire  and  adore ! ' ' 

So  saying,  the  son  of  Columbia  arose, 
and  seizing  the  coat-of-mail,  fastened  it  to 
the  wall,  where  it  remains  to  this  day. 
Then,  standing  aloof  from  it,  he  gazed  at 
it  with  a  look  of  no  little  satisfaction,  and 
exclaimed: 

"  By  all  the  saints,  did  I  not  know  thee 
better,  I  should  declare  that  thou  art  the 
very  same  knight  who,  by  the  light  of  last 
night's  moon,  I  sent  to  a  watery  grave  at 
the  bottom  of  yonder  lake!  'Tis  well  for 
thee  that  thou  art  but  a  coat-of-mail;  for, 
should  I  see  thee  stir,  by  heaven,  these 
hands  would  serve  me  well;  nor  would  the 
walls  of  this  palace  be  strong  enough  to 
longer  hold  thee ! ' ' 

In  the  mean  time,  Madam  Columbiana 
had  become  uneasy  at  the  continued  ab 
sence  of  her  husband  from  her  presence, 
and  a  messenger  was  sent  to  his  chamber 
to  seek  the  cause  thereof.  This  was  made 
clear,  to  the  satisfaction  of  the  messenger, 


270         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

and  in  good  time  Her  Madamhood  found 
herself  by  the  side  of  her  affinity,  who, 
whether  from  pride  or  modesty,  never  dis 
closed  to  her  the  incident  of  the  battle 
which  he  had  so  triumphantly  waged. 


CHAPTER  XVIII 

THE    CONSPIRACY  OP    THE    KNIGHTS 

Madam  Columbiana  was  not  so  easily 
pacified  as  appeared  to  be  the  head  of  the 
great  house  of  which  she  formed  a  com 
ponent  part.  She  had  had  no  belligerent 
contest  with  the  emissary  of  His  Pseudoic 
Majesty,  the  King  of  all  the  Pseudos; 
nor  had  she  had  any  quarrel  with  her  an 
cestor;  and  she  saw  no  reason  why  the 
crown  which  she  had  caused  to  be  made 
to  adorn  her  head  should  remain  in  storage, 
with  opportunities  rife,  and  only  waiting 
to  be  taken  advantage  of.  It  was  true 
she  had  held  the  crown  high  in  air  and  had 
caused  it  to  tremble  at  the  shake  of  her 
plebeian  fist,  but  this  was  due  to  an  inward 
agitation,  which  could  only  express  itself 
by  temporary  outward  manifestations,  and 
she  could  not  be  held  responsible  for  doing 
with  her  own  as  she  pleased. 

It  was  also  true  that  the  long-looked-for 


272          HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

occasion  to  wear  the  crown  had  come  and 
gone,  but  it  was  through  no  fault  of  her 
own  that  that  symbol  of  monarchy  was 
resting  on  a  shelf  instead  of  on  her  head. 
As  for  ancient  ancestry,  she  did  not  care 
particularly  for  relationship  with  it  any 
way.  Besides,  one  relative  of  that  kind 
in  the  family  was,  she  thought,  quite 
enough  to  satisfy  all  the  members  of  the 
modern  hearth-stone,  however  numerous 
those  members  might  be,  and  she  was  con 
tent,  so  far  as  antiquity  was  concerned,  to 
contemplate  the  past  by  an  occasional 
inspection  of  her  husband's  ancestral  coat- 
of-mail,  which  had  found  a  convenient 
resting-place  within  the  walls  of  the  Colum- 
biason  household. 

But  that  she,  Madam  Columbiana,  a 
"Colonial  Dame"  and  a  "Daughter  of  the 
Revolution,"  should  lose  sight  of  the  ex 
hilaration  consequent  upon  the  satisfac 
tion  due  to  a  coronation,  by  leaving  the 
crown  continually  isolated  from  her  head, 
was  unreasonable  to  assume.  A  coronation 
unknown  to  her  sisters  was  not  enough; 
for  what  satisfaction  was  there  in  an  honor 
of  which  only  the  recipient  was  cognizant? 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         273 

Absolutely  none.  To  remain  plain  Colum- 
biason  was  well  enough  for  the  head  of  the 
house,  if  he  so  preferred.  To  remain 
plain  Columbiana  was  different!  No;  she 
was  determined  to  have  a  title  suitable  to 
the  crown  which  was  the  emanation  of  her 
own  mind,  and  which  was  only  awaiting 
the  bestowal  of  a  title,  to  spring  triumph 
antly  upon  the  head  of  its  designer. 

The  Madam  was  thus  soliloquizing,  when 
Columbiason  entered  the  grand  dining- 
room,  where  she  was  found,  awaiting  his 
arrival,  for  their  morning  repast.  His 
face  wore  a  calm,  peaceful  smile  and  there 
was  nothing  on  his  countenance  to  show 
the  struggles  through  which  he  had  passed 
on  account  of  the  "  imported  "  disturber  of 
his  peace. 

The  Madam  had  been  preparing  herself 
to  encounter  a  disconsolate  and  disap 
pointed,  if  not  wrathful  husband,  and  she 
was  not  a  little  vexed  at  seeing  him  so  calm 
and  unruffled. 

Columbiason,  however,  besides  his  sense 
of  satisfaction  about  the  victory  over  his 
adversary,  had,  as  well  as  his  wife,  been 
thinking  over  the  titular  problem  which  had 


274         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

thus  far  remained  unsolved  by  him.  That  he 
should  continue  to  wear  the  mantle  which 
had  been  left  to  him  by  Columbia,  his  ven 
erated  mother,  was  simply  preposterous; 
and  he  was  determined  to  emerge  from  it, 
as  the  butterfly  emerges  from  its  chrysalis, 
adorable  and  less  hampered  by  other 
worms  that,  before  its  ascension,  placed 
themselves  on  terms  of  equality  with  it  by 
an  attrition  and  familiarity  which  the 
wings  of  the  liberated  butterfly  had  con 
vinced  that  little  creature  it  had  outgrown. 
So  Columbiason  had  outgrown  his  en 
vironments;  and  he  was  determined  to 
soar  aloft  by  placing  himself  on  terms  of 
equality  with  the  titled  creatures  of  earth's 
monarchies. 

This  was  the  condition  of  mind  in  which 
the  Columbiasons  found  themselves  at  the 
breakfast  table  on  the  morning  after  the 
greatest  fiasco  of  the  century,  which,  how 
ever,  had  ended  in  so  glorious  a  victory 
for  the  son  of  Columbia. 

The  salutations  were  sincere  on  the 
part  of  Columbiason,  but  rather  forced  on 
the  part  of  his  wife,  who  signified  her  re 
gret  that  "  His  Grace  "  had  felt  called  upon 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         275 

to  so  suddenly  take  his  departure;  and 
she  remarked  sarcastically,  that  she  knew 
he  would  have  enjoyed  the  breakfast. 
To  this  Columbiason  replied  that  there  was 
no  doubt  he  would  enjoy  anything  he  could 
get;  that  his  departure  was,  however, 
quite  agreeable  to  himself,  and  that  there 
would  be  no  '"  Grace  "  hereafter  but  Colum 
biason  ! 

Mrs.  Columbiason  evidently  deemed  it 
desirable  to  change  the  subject,  for  she 
inquired  of  her  husband  what  he  thought 
the  prospect  was  of  her  obtaining  a  title 
to  fit  her  crown,  to  which  he  replied  that 
there  would  be  no  difficulty  about  that,  as 
he  was  going  to  be  Knight  of  the  Titular 
Fleece  and  would  secure  any  title  she 
wished. 

This  piece  of  information  surprised  and 
delighted  Madam  Columbiana,  but  she 
said,  rather  modestly,  that  she  would  not 
like  to  go  out  of  her  own  country  for  a 
title.  This  amused  Columbiason,  who  as 
sured  her  that  there  were  no  titles  in  the 
country  worth  having,  and  that,  as  for 
himself,  he  proposed  to  go  anywhere  in  his 
capacity  as  Knight  of  the  Titular  Fleece 


276         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

to  obtain  the  honor  to  which  he  was  en 
titled,  but  she  might  rest  content  in  the 
assurance  that  he  would  meddle  no  more 
with  antiquity;  that,  in  future,  he  would 
confine  his  fleecing  expeditions  to  the 
present  instead  of  to  the  past. 

Madam  Columbiana  ventured  to  ask 
the  would-be  modern  adventurer  who  was 
going  to  create  him  Knight  of  the  Titular 
Fleece,  to  which  he  replied  the  Knights  of 
the  Fleece  were  peculiarly  an  institution 
of  the  United  States,  and  that  all  of  those 
knights  were  self-created,  first,  because  there 
was  nothing  in  the  Constitution  to  warrant 
their  election,  and  secondly,  the  methods 
to  which  they  resorted  made  it  doubtful 
whether  they  would  secure  nomination 
for  those  positions;  hence,  they  concluded 
not  to  change  the  Constitution,  and  to 
avoid  the  trouble  and  annoyance  of  a 
nomination  and  an  election,  by  creating 
themselves  such  knights,  to  whose  terms 
of  office  there  was  no  expiration,  as  there 
would  be  if  the  office  was  elective;  that 
the  self-creating  process  was  a  great  ad 
vantage  over  the  elective  or  appointing 
process,  and  was  a  saving  of  much  money 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         277 

and  time;  that  the  fact,  also,  that  the 
Knights  of  the  Fleece  did  not  come  within 
the  law,  caused  little  apprehension  of  un 
due  surveillance  over  their  actions. 

Mrs.  Columbiason  was  astounded  at  the 
wisdom  of  her  husband  and  expressed 
herself  satisfied  with  any  efforts  which  he 
might  make  in  the  direction  of  title-fleecing, 
stating  that  she  would  preserve  her  crown 
until  his  return  from  his  first  titular  expe 
dition. 

When  the  repast  was  finished,  Colum 
biason  set  himself  to  the  task,  which  he 
soon  accomplished,  of  restoring  to  their 
positions  all  of  the  American  servants 
and  subordinates  for  whom  English  sub 
jects  had  been  substituted  during  the 
Anglophobic  indisposition  which  had  af 
flicted  him,  and  which  latter  subjects  he 
had  caused  to  be  so  peremptorily  discharged. 

It  is  needless  to  say  that  the  fifty-odd 
geese  were  no  longer  perched  on  the  heads 
of  the  fifty-odd  lions,  which  must  have 
followed  the  ancient  ancestor  as  soon  as 
the  geese  took  their  flight,  which  happened 
on  the  memorable  night  of  the  ancestor's 
departure. 


2;8          HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

Soon  after  Columbiason  had  completed 
the  restoration  process,  by  restoring  to  their 
places  his  former  "allegiants,"  he  found 
himself  in  the  company  of  the  Knights  of 
the  Fleece,  with  whom  he  had  affiliated 
and  had  been  more  closely  identified  since 
the  desire  for  title  had  taken  possession  of 
his  mind.  He  knew  of  the  participation 
of  all  of  these  knights  in  the  reception 
of  his  ancient  ancestor,  and  that,  as  his 
guests,  they  were  present  on  the  receipt 
of  the  letter  from  the  British  King, 
through  that  monarch's  Secretary,  declin 
ing  to  bestow  upon  him  the  much  coveted 
title  of  "lord;"  and  he  did  not  hesitate, 
therefore,  to  unbosom  to  that  self-created 
body  the  deep  longing  still  dominant  in 
his  soul,  to  be  something  more  than  Co 
lumbiason. 

In  doing  this,  he  expressed  his  disgust 
for  things  ancient,  which,  his  experience 
had  taught  him,  were  impracticable,  and 
to  disclose  his  preference  for  a  title  not  too 
antiquated.  He  took  occasion,  also,  to 
mention,  incidentally,  the  land  of  Pseudo, 
to  which  his  ancestor  had  alluded,  as  possi 
ble  good  soil  from  which  to  cull  the  title 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         279 

which  he  craved.  This  pleased  the  Knights 
of  the  Fleece,  who  knew  well  that,  so  long 
as  the  mind  of  Columbiason  could  be  kept 
on  things  pseudoic,  whatever  control  in 
government  affairs  chey  were  then  de 
prived  of  they  would  be  able  to  acquire, 
sooner  or  later. 

When,  therefore,  Columbiason  unbos 
omed  the  cravings  of  his  heart  to  the 
knights,  the  Knight  of  the  Golden  Fleece 
saw  an  opportunity  for  the  carrying  out  of 
a  plan  which  would  at  once  accomplish 
results  satisfactory  to  both  the  son  of  Co 
lumbia  and  to  that  self-aggrandizing  body, 
thus  solving  the  title  problem  and  increas 
ing  the  riches  of  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece. 

The  scheme  was  a  bold  and  daring  one, 
but  the  wily  knight  was  assured,  in  his 
own  mind,  of  its  success.  He  reminded 
the  knights  and  their  now  co-laborer,  that 
far  off  in  the  great  Pseudoic  Ocean  were 
the  beautiful  Pseudo  Isles,  where  sat,  in 
state,  his  Pseudoic  Majesty,  the  King  of 
Pseudoia;  and  he  suggested  that  Colum 
biason  create  himself  Knight  of  the  Titular 
Fleece  without  delay  and  set  out  on  an 
expedition  to  Pseudo  Land,  capture  the 


280          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

king  and  convey  him  to  the  United  States, 
to  be  placed,  under  a  new  name,  to  be 
designated  by  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece, 
on  a  throne  of  their  own  construction. 

As  might  well  be  imagined,  this  sugges 
tion  met  with  immediate  disapproval,  more 
especially  on  account  of  the  great  risk 
which  the  plan  would  entail;  and  the 
unanimous  exclamation  of  all  the  Knights 
of  the  Fleece,  including  the  would-be- titular 
knight,  was,  on  the  disclosure  of  the  plan, 
a  prolonged  O—  — ! 

But  the  v/ily  Knight  of  the  Golden 
Fleece  assured  his  auditors  that  if  they 
would  hear  him,  they  would  be  con 
vinced  of  the  feasibility  of  the  scheme. 
He  then  reminded  them  that  the  people 
were  as  anxious  as  any  of  the  knights  to 
acquire  wealth  and  station,  and  if  their 
pockets  could  be  filled  with  gold,  they 
would  consent  to  do  homage  to  any  king 
whom  the  knights  might  name;  and  when 
the  king  should  be  comfortably  ensconced 
in  his  position,  he  would,  through  the 
Knights  of  the  Fleece,  as  his  advisers  and 
virtual  owners,  proceed  to  tax  the  people; 
that  the  gold  would  thus  return,  with  com- 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         281 

pound  interest,  to  the  coffers  of  the  knights; 
that,  in  the  mean  time,  the  Knight  of  the 
Titular  Fleece  could  have  any  title  he 
desired  under  the  new  administration, 
except  that  of  king,  wi'ch  the  understanding, 
of  course,  that  he  could  do  nothing  without 
the  assent  of  his  fellow-knights,  under 
whose  absolute  control  he,  as  well  as  the 
king,  should  continue  to  exist. 

When  the  crafty  knight  had  finished 
the  disclosure  of  his  plan,  the  great  hall 
of  the  Columbiason  palace,  in  which  the 
knights  were  assembled,  fairly  trembled 
from  their  applause;  and  a  contract  was 
immediately  prepared  and  signed  by  all 
of  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece,  including, 
lastly,  Columbiason,  who  took  the  pen  re 
luctantly  and  appeared  to  think  fora  moment 
before  attaching  his  signature  to  the  docu 
ment.  After  he  had  signed  the  contract, 
however,  something  occurred  to  him,  and 
he  remarked  that,  according  to  the  terms 
of  the  contract,  he  would  have  no  freedom, 
to  which  the  artful  Knight  of  the  Golden 
Fleece  replied,  "  Not  in  reality,  sir  worthy 
Knight  of  the  Titular  Fleece,  but  in  name 
thou  shalt  be  as  free  as  ever,  and  thy  title 
shall  be  as  thou  wilt ! ' ' 


282          HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

This  ejaculation  on  the  part  of  the 
Knight  of  the  Golden  Fleece  was  followed 
by  an  outburst  of  laughter  on  the  part  of 
his  brother-knights,  to  the,  great  annoy 
ance  of  Columbiason,  who  snatched  the 
pen  from  the  table  and  cried:  "Then  will 
I  erase  my  signature  from  the  document ! ' ' 

"Nay!  Nay!  The  contract  is  signed!" 
shouted  the  wily  Knight  of  the  Golden 
Fleece,  grabbing  the  document  from  the 
table  at  the  same  time;  and  Columbiason 
solemnly  made  his  exit  from  the  hall. 

The  Knights  of  the  Fleece  then  joined 
in  a  chorus,  of  which  the  words  were  as 
follows: 

"A  band  of  corporation  knights  are  we, 

Influential,  steady  and  reserved. 
We  do  what  e'er  we  do  by  unity, 

And  what  we  get,  we  feel  we  have  deserved!" 

The  Knight  of  the  Golden  Fleece,  feel 
ing  quite  exhilarated  at  the  enthusiasm 
with  which  his  scheme  was  received  by 
his  brother-knights,  followed  the  chorus 
with  a  few  original  verses,  confirmatory 
of  the  thoughts  which  he  had  expressed 
to  them,  each  verse,  at  its  conclusion,  being 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         283 

followed  by  the  same  chorus ;  the  verses  ran 
as  follows : 

"The     people     would    have     fortunes    without 

making, 

And  in  our  land  their  wish  is  very  taking; 
Now,  if  their  pockets  we  can  fill  with  gold, 
Success  attends  the  scheme  which  I  unfold." 

Chorus:     "A  band,"  etc. 

"And  if  we  would  preserve  our  rank  and  station, 
Maintain  our  title  and  perpetuation, 
There's  one  way  left — and,  good  knights,  that's 

the  thing, 
We'll  sell  the  country  to  the  Pseudo  King! " 

Chorus  (astonished):  "Sell  our  country  to  the 
Pseudo  King? " 

' '  I  grant  the  scheme  to  you  may  seem  quite  funny, 
Because  the  Pseudo  King  has  not  the  money; 
But  that's  exactly  where  the  scheme  comes  in, 
For  we  are  corporation  men  and  have  the '  tin.  '"* 

"We'll    make    the   people   think   the   king    has 
billions, 

*  "  Tin  "  was  a  vulgar  word  used  by  many  in  that  age  to 
represent  the  word  "  money,"  and  was  doubtless  employed 
on  this  occasion  to  express  that  meaning,  and.,  at  the  same 
time,  to  make  it  rhyme  with  "in." 


284         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

And  that  he'll  pay  them  down   ten  thousand 

millions, 

And  when  the  country  to  him  has  been  sold, 
Each  man  will  have  a  pocket  full  of  gold! " 

Chorus:     "A  band,"  etc. 

"This  country  will  be  one  vast  corporation, 
And  we  shall  have  the  power  of  taxation, 
So  every  penny  paid  will  soon  return, 
And  corporation  interest  it  shall  earn!" 

Chorus:     "A  band,"  etc. 

"The  Socialistic  scheme  we'll  thus  be  killing, 
Because  the  people's  pockets  we'll  be  filling, 
And  when  their  joy  and  Brother  Col's  is  at  its 

height, 
They'll    find   the    country   owned   by    Fleecing 

Knights!" 

Chorus:     "A  band  of  corporation  men,"  etc. 

When  the  last  chorus  was  finished,  the 
knights  drained  their  glasses  of  the  cham 
pagne  which  had  contributed  somewhat 
to  their  hilarity,  and,  with  much  laughter 
and  a  general  shaking  of  hands,  they  left 
the  hall. 


CHAPTER  XIX 

THE   KNIGHT   OF   THE   TITULAR   FLEECE 

The  hour  was  quite  late  when  the  Knights 
of  the  Fleece  broke  up  their  meeting  and 
departed  to  their  homes.  In  the  mean 
time  Columbiason  had  repaired  to  his  pri 
vate  apartments  to  perform  the  important 
ceremony  of  creating  himself  Knight  of 
the  Titular  Fleece. 

To  accomplish  this,  he  imagined  it 
necessary  to  adorn  himself  with  garments 
suitable  to  the  piratical  expedition  which 
he  was  about  to  undertake  against  the 
King  of  Pseudoia.  He  had  resolved  to 
leave  to  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece  the  im 
portant  matter  of  dealing  with  the  people 
and  to  direct  his  attention  to  the  fitting 
out  of  the  great  expedition  of  which  he 
was  to  be  the  head  and  chief  commander. 
Still  flushed  with  victory  over  the  emissary 
of  His  Pseudoic  Majesty,  he  had  no  doubt 
of  the  success  of  the  great  undertaking  in 
which  he  was  about  to  embark. 

The  self-creating  process  was  easy.     It 


286          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

had  been  accomplished  by  all  the  Knights 
of  the  Fleece  without  difficulty  and  with 
only  the  incidental  expense  of  a  uniform— 
a  name  which  the  members  of  that  piratical 
body  preferred  to  coat-of-mail — and  the 
small  outlay  necessary  to  obtain  the  public 
sanction  after  the  completion  of  the  cre 
ating  process.  To  accomplish  the  desired 
end,  therefore,  he  had  caused  to  be  made, 
as  quickly  as  possible,  a  pair  of  high  boots, 
a  pair  of  loose-fitting  trousers  of  coarse, 
strong  material,  and  a  blouse-like  jacket 
of  equally  strong  material.  He  had  no 
difficulty  in  obtaining  a  broad  belt,  a 
brace  of  pistols,  a  dirk-knife  and  a  short 
sword. 

To  don  this  piratical -looking  attire  was 
but  the  work  of  a  few  moments,  and  with 
his  trouser-legs  tucked  in  the  tops  of  his 
boots,  the  brace  of  pistols  stuck  in  his  belt, 
with  their  butts  conspicuously  protruding 
therefrom,  and  the  short  sword  by  his  side, 
and  his  head  covered  by  a  tall,  shiny  silk 
hat,  somewhat  pointed  at  the  top,  he  ap 
peared  before  a  mirror,  where  the  self- 
creating  ceremony  was  to  take  place.  Facing 
the  mirror,  the  great  son  of  Columbia 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         287 

viewed  himself  from  all  sides,  and  then  ad 
dressed  his  reflection  thus: 

"  Columbiason,  thou  son  of  Columbia, 
thou  hast  proven  thyself  as  valiant  as  thou 
art  prosperous!  Thy  victorious  achieve 
ments  have  not  been  forgotten;  and  the 
chivalry  of  the  past  shall  be  intermingled 
with  the  valorous  deeds  which  thou  hast 
yet  to  perform,  and  which  shall  lend  cour 
age  and  renewed  vigor  to  thy  people  of 
future  generations!" 

So  saying,  he  drew  from  its  scabbard  his 
short  sword,  its  steel  as  bright  and  glisten 
ing  as  when  presented  to  him  some  time 
before  as  a  souvenir  of  past  favors,  by  the 
Knight  of  the  Steely  Fleece;  and  laying 
the  blade  against  his  cheek,  he  said: 

"Columbiason,  thou  son  of  Columbia, 
I,  Columbiason,  son  of  Columbia,  now 
create  thee  Knight  of  the  Titular  Fleece, 
to  go  forth  and  titularize  thyself  and  thy 
posterity!" 

Then,  replacing  his  sword  in  its  scab 
bard,  he  raised  his  right  hand  and,  con 
tinuing  his  address  to  his  reflection,  said: 

"Columbiason,  thou  son  of  Columbia, 
I,  Columbiason,  son  of  Columbia,  by  this 


288         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

act  of  my  right  hand,  held  high,  after  the 
true  modern  methods,  take  the  oath  of 
allegiance  to  thee  and  swear  to  achieve 
for  thy  greatness,  after  the  manner  of  all 
Knights  of  the  Fleece,  of  whom  I  am  now  a 
titular  brother,  the  highest  title  which  it 
is  my  privilege  to  obtain  for  thee ! ' ' 

Then,  drawing  both  pistols  from  their 
places  in  his  belt,  he  kissed,  first  one,  then 
the  other,  and  replacing  them,  drew  forth 
his  dirk  and  sword,  each  of  which  he  like 
wise  kissed  and  replaced;  then,  after  the 
manner  of  a  "pirate  bold,"  he  made  his 
exit  from  his  apartment. 

Soon  thereafter,  he  announced  himself 
to  his  wife,  through  an  attendant,  as  the 
"Knight  of  the  Titular  Fleece!"  and  was 
ushered  into  her  presence,  prepared  for 
the  expedition,  so  far  as  he  personally  was 
concerned.  Of  course,  Madam  Columbi- 
ana  was  astonished  and  amazed  at  the 
sight  of  the  formidable-looking  knight 
who,  although  he  approached  her  with  en 
dearing  words,  was  unable  to  make  a  pre 
possessing  impression  upon  her;  and,  for 
a  time,  she  hesitated  to  permit  too  close 
proximity  on  his  part.  Finally,  however, 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         289 

he  convinced  her  that  he  was  the  son  of 
Columbia  disguised,  and  she  became  paci 
fied  and  consented  to  listen  to  his  plans 
and  expectations. 

These  he  entered  into  in  detail  and  stated 
that  his  object  was,  first,  to  gain  admit 
tance  to  the  presence  of  King  Pseudo  and  to 
try  to  convince  him  of  the  great  advantage 
that  it  would  be  to  him  to  increase  the  ex 
tent  of  his  dominions,  already  very  large, 
and  to  persuade  him,  if  possible,  to  come 
to  the  United  States;  but  if  he  would  not 
come  by  pacific  means,  the  intention  was 
to  seize  him  and  bring  him  to  this  country 
by  force,  to  reign  under  a  name  to  be  des 
ignated  by  his  (Columbiason's)  brother 
Knights  of  the  Fleece. 

"But  the  people  reign  in  this  country!" 
exclaimed  Madam  Columbiana,  in  a  spirit 
of  patriotism. 

"  They  do  in  name,  under  the  super 
vision  of  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece!"  re 
plied  Columbiason;  "and,"  he  continued, 
"  they  will  reign  in  the  same  way  under 
His  Pseudoic  Majesty,  who  will  be  under 
the  supervision  of  those  knights,  who  will 
dictate  the  policy  of  the  country  the  same 


29o          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

as  now;  but  the  country  will  then  have  a 
head  to  whom  the  knights  can  shift  their 
responsibility!" 

"And  you  a  Knight  of  the  Fleece!" 
cried  Madam  Columbiana,  indignantly. 

"Aye,  of  the  Titular  Fleece — that  is,  I 
hold  the  title,  but  the  knights  perform  the 
duties!"  responded  Columbiason. 

"  But  there  is  no  honor  in  such  a  title!" 
exclaimed  the  Madam. 

"  I  have  all  the  honor,  and  they  do 
the  work,  as  if  they  were  my  hirelings!" 
replied  Columbiason,  as  he  pompously 
straightened  himself  in  the  chair,  in  which 
he  had  become  seated;  "and,"  he  con 
tinued,  "  His  Majesty,  the  King  of  Great 
Britain  and  Ireland,  and  Emperor  of  all 
the  Indias,  who  denied  me  a  title  under 
his  realm,  has  no  greater  honor,  except 
that  the  people  call  him  '  King ; '  and  they 
shall  call  me  by  any  title  I  prefer  to  assume, 
under  his  Pseudoic  Majesty.  Remember, 
too,  that  thou  art  the  wife  of  Columbiason 
and  that  thou  shalt  share  with  him  the 
honor!" 

"Honor!"  cried  Madam  Columbiana.  "I 
repudiate  such  a  spurious  honor!  Surely 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         291 

didst  thou  get  into  bad  company  when 
thou  didst  choose  the  Knights  of  the 
Fleece  for  thy  companions!  Nay!  Nay! 
Columbiason,  go  if  thou  wilt;  as  for  me, 
count  not  upon  my  co-operation  in  such 
an  undertaking!" 

"  Ha,  ha,  thou  hast  a  crown!  For  what? 
To  lie  in  storage  with  its  precious  gems, 
or  to  rest  upon  thy  head  as  the  wife  of  thy 
husband?"  exclaimed  Columbiason. 

"A  crown  of  thorns  instead  of  gems,  I 
fear!"  replied  the  Madam. 

"  Nay,  a  crown  of  gems,  good  enough  to 
adorn  thy  head  as  '  Lady  Columbiason ' 
under  a  foreign  potentate,  had  I  been  cre 
ated  a  lord,  but  not  good  enough  to  show 
thy  superiority  in  thine  own  country!" 
replied  Columbiason. 

"His  Pseudoic  Majesty  is  as  foreign  to 
our  country  as  is  the  King  of  England!" 
replied  Madam  Columbiana. 

"Except  that  here,  His  Pseudoic  Ma 
jesty  is  the  people's  choice  through  the 
courtesy  of  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece," 
replied  Columbiason. 

Madam  Columbiana  made  no  reply,  but 
arose  and  walked  to  a  secret  repository  in 


292  HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

the  wall  of  the  apartment.  This  she  un 
locked,  and  took  therefrom  the  crown 
which  she  had  caused  to  be  made  for  the 
occasion  which  had  ended  in  such  a  humili 
ating  manner.  She  then  returned  to  her 
husband's  side,  with  the  crown  in  her 
hand. 

"And,"  continued  Columbiason,  on  the 
return  of  his  wife,  "it  even  suited  thee 
well  to  conspire  with  me  to  marry  our 
ward,  Liberte,  to  an  English  nobleman, 
yet  I  doubt  not  that  thou  wilt  now  oppose 
her  marriage  to  the  head  of  the  Knights 
of  the  Fleece — a  product  of  our  own  coun 
try;  and  thou  wouldst  call  this  patriot 
ism?" 

"There  shall  be  no  opposition  from  me 
to  such  a  marriage,  provided  she  remain 
in  the  country,"  responded  his  wife. 

"  It  would  ill  become  the  Knights  of  the 
Fleece  to  remove  from  the  country  one  to 
whom  the  people  can  point  with  pride,  as 
the  spirit  of  their  freedom!"  answered 
Columbiason;  "but,"  he  continued,  "the 
people  will  see  less  of  her  than  heretofore ; ' ' 
then,  catching  sight  of  the  crown,  which 
Madam  Columbiana  had  laid  on  the  table 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         293 

before  him,  he  held  it  up,  and  gazing  upon 
it  said: 

"See!  As  its  gems  are  superior,  so  is 
she  whose  head  it  adorns,"  and  placing  the 
crown  on  his  wife's  head,  he  exclaimed: 
"Thou  hast  a  charm  peculiar  to  thyself, 
yet  doubled  by  a  crown!" 

Madam  Columbiana  took  the  crown  from 
her  head,  held  it  aloft,  as  on  a  previous  occa 
sion,  yet  more  tenderly  and  admiringly, 
then  pressing  it  to  her  heart,  she  ex 
claimed  : 

"Tell  me  not  that  Eve  tempted  Adam!" 
She  then  left  the  apartment  in  a  spirit  of 
evident  consolation  over  the  fact  that  she 
had  at  least  resisted  the  temptation  to  the 
utmost  of  her  ability.  Columbiason  looked 
after  her  until  she  had  disappeared ;  he  then 
exclaimed  to  himself:  "  Ha,  ha,  ha,  my  life 
seems  crowned  with  conquests,  but  the 
greatest  victory  yet  achieved  is  over  my 
own  wife,  who  will  now  do  her  part  at 
home,  while  I  am  making  further  con 
quests  abroad!"  He  then  left  the  apart 
ment  in  a  state  of  evident  satisfaction, 
and  in  a  manner  quite  consequential. 


CHAPTER  XX 

THE    PIRATICAL  EXPEDITION 

The  "Title  Fiend,"  to  which  the  name 
of  the  "Falcon"  had  been  changed  by  di 
rection  of  its  owner,  because  the  latter 
name  was  regarded  as  too  English,  was 
anchored  over  the  garden  which  enclosed 
the  Columbiason  palace.  It  was  well 
manned  by  American  navigators,  and  was 
about  ready  to  weigh  anchor  when  Colum 
biason,  the  great  Pseudoic  Explorer,  ar 
rived  at  the  place  of  anchorage,  attired  in 
his  piratical  outfit,  and  accompanied  by 
Madam  Columbiana. 

It  was  thought  best  by  the  Knights  of  the 
Fleece  to  keep  the  departure  of  Columbia- 
son  as  secret  as  propriety  would  admit,  for 
fear  the  plans  for  a  "quick  descent"  of 
the  "Title  Fiend,'*  with  the  Pseudo  King, 
on  the  return  voyage,  might  be  interfered 
with  before  their  completion;  hence,  the 
night-time  was  decided  upon  as  the  most 
appropriate  time  for  the  ascension. 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         295 

The  night  was  dark  and,  so  far  as  light 
was  concerned,  there  was  no  indication  of 
the  "Title  Fiend"  floating  over  the  palace 
gardens,  at  the  place  of  anchorage,  except 
an  incandescent  lamp,  which  hung  sus 
pended  from  a  pole,  near  the  foot  of  a  lad 
der  leading  to  that  air-ship,  and  but  for 
which,  Columbiason  would  have  had  to 
feel  his  way  to  the  deck  of  the  craft,  which 
lay  suspended  above  the  tops  of  the  trees 
and  buildings,  awaiting  the  signal  to  waft 
itself  over  the  Pseudoic  Ocean.  At  that 
time  there  were  no  aerial  stations,  with 
elevators  to  carry  passengers  to  and  from 
the  air-ships,  and  the  task  of  ascending 
to  the  "Title  Fiend"  was  not  an  easy  one. 
However,  Columbiason,  after  bidding  adieu 
to  his  life  companion,  placed  his  foot 
on  the  bottom  round  of  the  ladder,  and  in 
a  few  moments  was  at  the  top  and  upon 
the  deck  of  the  craft.  Whatever  indis 
position  he  may  have  felt  from  his  long 
climb,  he  knew  that,  were  the  head  of  a 
piratical  expedition  to  show  signs  of  fa 
tigue  before  the  "Title  Fiend"  had  left 
its  anchorage,  subordinates  and  officers 
would  be  likely  to  hesitate  about  em- 


296          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

barking  under  such  a  leader,  who  they 
would  be  justified  in  supposing,  would 
be  unlikely  to  win  a  victory  over  his  op 
ponents  in  conflict.  Therefore,  with  half- 
suppressed  puffs  from  the  exertion  due  to 
the  ascension,  he  stepped  in  a  sprightly 
manner  on  deck,  where  he  was  met  by  his 
fellow-officers-in-piratical-arms  and  soon 
disappeared  into  his  private  cabin,  to 
complete  his  puffing  to  his  heart's  content. 
Shortly  thereafter,  the  "Title  Fiend" 
weighed  anchor  and  lifted  its  head  as  high 
as  if  it  were  the  Head  of  the  House  of  Co- 
lumbiason  himself;  then  it  seemed  to  in 
dulge  in  a  little  titular-like  strutting,  sway 
ing  itself  from  side  to  side,  and  rising 
higher,  like  a  self-important  "boss,"  re 
cently  promoted  from  a  laborer  to  a  posi 
tion  over  his  fellows;  and  with  the  same 
seeming  air  of  pomposity,  it  strutted  on 
and  up  until  it  reached  a  current  of  air 
less  boisterous,  where  its  importance  was 
known  only  to  itself;  then  it  seemed  to 
become  more  natural  and  sped  along  more 
rapidly,  and  apparently  with  less  self- 
consciousness,  until  it  was  beyond  the 
sight  of  the  brilliant  lights  of  the  cities 
of  the  terra-firma  realm. 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         297 

Suddenly  the  "Title  Fiend"  was  as 
luminous  as  were  the  ships  of  the  briny 
deep  under  it.  His  fiendish  electric 
eyes  flashed  fire,  as  they  glanced,  first  to 
the  right,  then  to  the  left,  and  he  sped 
faster  and  faster  on  his  piratical  mission 
toward  the  stars,  which  could  not  keep 
still  under  the  piercing  glances  of  those 
electric  orbs. 

Columbiason,  in  the  mean  time,  felt 
great  consolation  in  the  fact  that  he  was 
at  last  on  his  way  to  another  victory,  and 
that,  beyond  the  things  of  earth,  as  he  sup 
posed;  and  he  seemed  quite  anxious  for 
the  affray  which  would  bring  laurels  to 
his  own  brow  and  permit  Madam  Colum- 
biana  to  wear  the  crown  so  carefully  pre 
served,  only  to  be  kept  from  public  view 
until  an  occasion  worthy  of  its  formal 
entry  into  conspicuousness  should  present 
itself. 

In  planning  the  Pseudoic  expedition, 
Columbiason  had  decided  to  have  made 
in  his  own  country  such  costumes  as  he 
thought  appropriate  for  the  use  of  persons 
of  such  high  rank  and  degree  as  His  Pseu 
doic  Majesty  and  his  court,  and  to  convey 


298          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

the  costumes  to  Pseudo  Land,  to  be  donned 
by  those  Pseudos,  who,  he  was  determined, 
should  appear  in  the  United  States  robed 
therein.  He  took  good  care,  in  having 
these  costumes  made,  to  see  that,  in  brill 
iancy,  they  should  approach,  as  near  as 
possible,  the  crown  which  was  to  adorn 
the  aspiring  pompadour  of  Madam  Colum- 
biana. 

The  manufacture  and  transportation  of 
these  costumes  was  a  source  of  satisfaction 
to  him,  as  well  as  to  the  tailors  who  made 
them;  and  as  he  leaned  back  in  his  hand 
somely  upholstered  chair,  in  the  cabin  of 
the  "Title  Fiend,"  he  contemplated  with 
considerable  pride  the  gorgeous  effect  sure 
to  follow  the  appearance  in  his  country  of 
an  unknown  people  attired  in  costumes 
so  magnificent. 

This  led  him  to  wonder  who  the  Pseudos 
were,  and  to  try  to  picture  in  his  imagi 
nation  their  peculiarities,  customs,  natures 
and  requirements,  as  well  as  their  ap 
pearance,  and,  especially,  their  fighting 
qualities.  That  these  people  had  a  court 
was,  he  thought,  beyond  qestion,  or  they 
could  not  have  a  king;  and  if  they  had  a 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         299 

court,  he  argued,  they  certainly  must 
have  a  large,  standing  Pseudo  army  and 
an  extensive  Pseudo  navy;  hence,  he 
thought  it  important  to  avoid  the  navy, 
and,  as  soon  as  the  capital  city  should  be 
come  visible,  to  steer  the  "Title  Fiend" 
directly  for  it  and  take  possession,  which 
he  felt  was  nine  points  of  the  law. 

While  Columbiason  was  thus  musing 
and  planning,  the  Admiral  of  the  craft 
rushed  into  his  cabin  and  informed  him 
that  the  Pseudo-stellar  system  was  quite 
visible,  which  was,  he  said,  evidence  that 
the  ship  had  reached  a  point  nearly  in  the 
centre  of  the  Pseudoic  Ocean,  and  in  close 
proximity  to  the  Pseudo  Isles,  where  re 
sided  His  Pseudoic  Majesty,  King  Pseudo. 

Columbiason  arose  suddenly  from  his 
reverie,  and  grasping  the  handles  of  his 
pistols,  remarked  that  he  did  not  know 
that  Pseudo  Land  was  so  near  home ;  then, 
thinking  for  a  moment,  he  unsheathed  his 
dirk,  examined  it  carefully  and,  re-sheath 
ing  it,  directed  that  all  the  lights  on  the 
"Title  Fiend"  be  extinguished  and  the 
speed  reduced. 

The  carrying  out  of  this  order  was  but 


300         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

the  work  of  a  moment,  and  soon  the  noise 
of  the  engines  almost  ceased  and  the  "  Title 
Fiend"  was  basking  in  the  light  of  the 
Pseudo  stars,  as  confidingly  as  if  the  light 
of  real  stars  and  of  a  real  sun  were  con 
tributing  directly  to  illumine  its  path  to 
Pseudo  Land. 

Columbiason  then  directed  to  have  the 
"  pseudoscope "  brought  to  him  without 
delay.  This  was  done,  and  levelling  that 
instrument  over  the  railing  of  the  craft, 
he  peered  out  upon  the  Pseudoic  Ocean, 
in  an  effort  to  catch  sight  of  a  Pseudo 
man.  The  Admiral's  eye  was  keener  than 
the  pseudoscope;  for  he  saw  the  Pseudo 
Isles  just  ahead  of  the  "Title  Fiend," 
brilliantly  lighted  by  the  light  of  the 
Pseudo-stellar  system. 

Cautiously  the  air-ship  crept,  as  it  were, 
toward  the  largest  of  the  isles,  which  seemed 
situated  in  the  centre  of  the  numerous 
other  Pseudo  isles  that  surrounded  it, 
as  if  to  protect  it  from  disturbing  outside 
influences. 

In  due  time,  the  aerial  craft  was  wafted 
to  a  suitable  resting-place  at  this  large 
island,  which  was  found  to  be  "  Pseudoia," 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY          301 

the  capital  of  Pseudo  Land — the  very 
place  where  Columbiason  was  sure  to  find 
the  reigning  Monarch  of  the  great  Pseudoic 
realm. 

Not  an  island  had  thus  far  offered 
resistance  to  the  "titular"  expedition, 
much  to  the  delight  of  Columbiason,  who, 
while  always  ready  to  meet  the  enemy, 
was  glad  to  avoid,  when  possible,  the  an 
noyance  which  all  conflicts  occasion. 
Not  knowing,  however,  with  what  oppo 
sition  he  would  be  likely  to  meet  at  Pseu- 
doia,  he  took  good  care  not  to  disarm  until 
occasion  warranted  it;  hence,  with  the 
Admiral,  he  landed  in  the  guise  of  a  full- 
fledged  pirate,  much  to  the  amusement 
of  King  Pseudo,  who,  to  Columbiason 's 
great  surprise,  stood  near  the  place  of 
anchorage,  waiting  to  receive  him. 

The  King  had  with  him  no  attendants 
or  guards  of  any  kind;  on  the  contrary, 
he  was  thoroughly  at  the  mercy  of  the 
Knight  of  the  Titular  Fleece,  who  stood 
gazing  at  him  in  greater  astonishment; 
for  he  found  the  King  as  sparsely  clad  as 
he  was  unprotected ;  in  fact,  "  His  Majesty ' ' 
had  on  only  sufficient  clothing  to  shield 


302          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

him  from  the  pseudoic  breezes,  and  even 
that  attire  was  pseudoic. 

"  So,  we  meet  again! "  said  the  King. 

Columbiason  was  taken  back,  and,  with 
all  his  bravery,  would  doubtless  have 
fallen,  had  it  not  been  for  the  support 
given  to  him  by  his  title.  When  he  re 
covered  himself,  he  exclaimed  in  amaze 
ment,  "Mine  Ancestor!" 

"  Nay,  thou  art  now  in  Pseudo  Land, 
and  I  perceive  thou  art  inclined  to  falsify 
thy  genealogy ! ' '  replied  the  King. 

"Not  intentionally ,"  responded  Colum 
biason. 

"  I  dare  say  not,  but  a  falsity  is  false, 
whatever  the  intention  of  the  falsifier!" 
answered  King  Pseudo. 

"  If  thou  art  not  mine  ancestor,  pray 
tell  me  who  art  thou  ? ' '  inquired  Columbia- 
son. 

"  I  am  he  whom  thou  hast  been  seeking— 
His  Pseudoic  Majesty,  King  of  all  the 
Pseudos  and  Emperor  of  the  whole  Pseu 
doic  realm!"  responded  the  King.  "Thou 
hast,"  he  continued,  "anchored  thy  craft, 
not  in  terra-firma,  for  here  thine  anchor 
is  imbedded  in  thought — false  thought!" 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         303 

"Have  I  not  already  struggled  with 
thee?"  inquired  Columbiason. 

"Aye,  verily;  and  I  present  thee  with 
this  little  '  pseudometer, '  that  thou  mayest 
register  thy  pseudoism,  lest  thou  imbibe 
too  much  thereof,"  replied  the  King,  as 
he  took  from  beneath  his  scanty  mantle 
a  little  instrument  and  handed  it  to  the 
Knight  of  the  Titular  Fleece.  "Thou  art 
not  yet,"  he  continued,  " pseudomorphous 
in  form,  nor  trained  in  the  ways  of  Pseudoic 
government,  yet  thou  hast  seen  fit  to  seek 
King  Pseudo  in  the  very  capital  of  his  own 
dominions,  with  sword  and  pistols  by  thy 
side,  which  availeth  not  against  so  power 
ful  an  adversary — aye,  not  half  so  much 
as  the  little  pseudometer,  of  which  thou 
art  now  in  possession ! ' ' 

Columbiason  took  the  little  instrument — 
oval-like  in  shape,  with  a  shining  glass-like 
substance  in  the  centre,  and  open  at  each 
end,  the  glass  being  apparently  opaque. 
He  then  held  it  to  his  eye  and  exclaimed: 
"  Ha,  ha,  at  last  I  see  my  title  clear!" 

"Nay,"  cried  King  Pseudo,  "thou  al 
ready  hast  pseudoblepsis,  and  thou  hast 
not  been  half  an  hour  in  my  kingdom. 


304          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

The  pseudometer  registers  but  pseudo 
thoughts.  If  thou  wilt  but  keep  thy 
thoughts  undefiled,  thy  vision  will  be 
clear!" 

Columbiason  could  scarcely  help  ex 
pressing  astonishment  at  so  philosophical 
a  declaration  from  a  pseudo  king;  and 
stepping  back  and  glancing  at  the  King's 
mantle,  he  said,  in  a  superior  manner: 
"  And  thou,  with  a  mantle  thus  ragged  and 
worn,  wouldst  venture  advice  so  philo 
sophical  to  the  Knight  of  the  Titular 
Fleece!  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  a  kingl" 

"Aye,  a  king!  This  mantle  is  but  the 
remnant  of  false  pride.  Once  it  was 
pseudoically  gorgeous  and  apparently 
beautiful  to  behold,  but  as  its  owner  be 
came  less  vainglorious,  the  mantle  faded 
in  his  eyes,  hence  in  the  eyes  of  the  Pseu- 
dos.  King  Pseudo  is  but  the  reflection  of 
mortal-mind  thought,  which  clothes  him 
as  it  will,  "  replied  His  Pseudoic  Majesty; 
then,  walking  a  few  steps  to  a  Pseudoic 
wall,  which  surrounded  the  Pseudo  palace, 
he  touched  a  secret  spring,  and  a  pseudor- 
thyron  (a  false  or  secret  door)  opened  be 
fore  them;  then,  turning  to  Columbiason, 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         305 

he  said:  "Come!  let  us  go  in,  and  I  will 
show  thee  much  to  enlighten  thee,  unless 
thy  pseudometer  act  in  vain! ' ' 

The  King  then  entered  the  door,  followed 
by  Columbiason,  behind  whom  the  door 
immediately  closed,  as  quietly  as  it  had 
opened,  and  the  two  dignitaries  soon  found 
themselves  in  the  Pseudoic  gardens,  and 
on  their  way  to  the  palace  of  His  Pseudoic 
Majesty. 

The  gardens  were,  seemingly,  abloom 
with  flowers,  buds  and  roses,  but  they 
emitted  no  odor,  and  were  absolutely  life 
less.  This  amazed  Columbiason,  and  he 
was  about  to  inquire  of  His  Majesty  the 
cause  thereof,  when  the  King  pointed  to 
the  seeming  flowers  and  exclaimed:  • 

"See!  These  seeming  buds  and  roses 
are  the  reflections  of  what,  once,  were  the 
American  beauty  rose,  except  that  they 
are  lifeless;  the  buds  were  plucked  before 
their  time,  and  the  roses  were  sapped  of 
their  life.  Thou  must  not  be  surprised 
if  the  very  republic  from  which  thou  hail- 
est,  follow  in  the  wake  of  these  once  living 
and  beautiful  buds  and  roses." 

Columbiason  answered  not  a  word,  but 


306         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

he  hung  his  head  and  appeared  to  think 
deeply,  as  he  walked  with  the  King  through 
the  winding  paths  of  the  garden,  on  their 
way  to  the  palace,  which  they  soon  ap 
proached,  and  which  Columbiason  found 
to  be  pseudo-dipteral  in  shape,  and,  in  ap 
pearance,  altogether  different  from  what 
he  had  expected,  after  having  beheld  the 
dilapidated  garment  of  King  Pseudo. 


CHAPTER  XXI 

IN   THE    PSEUDOIC    REALM 

On  entering  the  Pseudo  Palace,  a  court 
of  no  inconsiderable  magnitude  was  notice 
able,  but  the  courtiers  were  poorly  clad, 
and  some  of  their  faces  had  the  appearance 
of  the  faces  of  various  animals.  This 
seemed  shocking  to  Columbiason,  who 
exclaimed : 

"  I  perceive,  Your  Majesty,  that  some  of 
thy  people  have  faces  resembling,  some 
what,  those  of  animals.  Did  I  not  know 
they  were  human  beings,  I  should  think 
them  wolves,  foxes  and  even  serpents.  I 
behold,  also,  a  lamb  among  them,  and  I 
marvel  that  he  is  not  torn  to  pieces  by  the 
more  ferocious-looking  people ! ' ' 

"Need  I  again  remind  thee,"  replied 
the  King,  "that  this  is  Pseudo  Land — a 
land  of  false  thought  reflection?  They 
whom  thou  beholdest  are  but  the  re 
flections  of  mortal-mind  thoughts.  Some 


308          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

people  are  foxy,  some  are  wolfish,  and  some 
are  serpent-like,  striking  their  mental 
fangs  into  the  very  minds  of  their  fellow- 
beings.  Even  the  lamb  thou  beholdest 
is  a  wolf  in  lamb's  clothing.  All  thought 
is  registered,  not  only  in  the  mind  that 
sends  it  forth,  but  also  in  the  universal 
mortal  mind.  If  the  thought  is  pure,  it 
purifies;  if  evil,  it  degrades  and  becomes 
the  disturbing  element  of  nature.  If  hu 
mans  lived  their  lives  as  naturally  as  the 
flowers,  undisturbed  by  evil  thoughts  and 
false  beliefs,  King  Pseudo's  throne  would 
be  vacant;  for  there  would  be  no  Pseudo 
Land!  King  Pseudo  himself,  is  clothed 
with  mortal  vesture,  and  mortal  mind 
thinks  him  great  and  powerful;  but  he  has 
only  the  greatness  and  power  thus  be 
stowed — a  power  purely  pseudoic,  and 
subject  to  change  at  the  will  of  mortals!  " 

"Then  will  I  change  thee  to  a  being, 
pure,  benevolent,  humane  and  patriotic!" 
exclaimed  Columbiason,  with  a  show  of 
much  enthusiasm. 

"To  thus  change  King  Pseudo  and  his 
court,  thou  must  first  change  thine  own 
thoughts ! ' '  replied  the  King.  ' '  Why, ' '  he 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         309 

continued,  "hadst  thou  not,  in  thine  ar 
rogant  pride  and  longing  for  title,  pic 
tured  in  thine  own  mind  the  ancient 
knight,  his  reflection  would  not  have 
personated  itself  through  thy  mind  upon 
the  lake  and  caused  thee  to  struggle  so 
arduously  with  thy  pseudoic  ancestor!" 

Columbiason  marvelled  at  King  Pseudo's 
knowledge  of  his  own  struggles,  and  was 
about  to  reply  to  him,  when  he  caught 
sight  of  the  very  knight  whose  reflection 
had  been  the  cause  of  his  troubles.  Draw 
ing  his  sword  from  its  scabbard,  he  gazed 
at  the  knight  and  cried : 

"Did  I  not  send  thee  to  the  bottom  of 
the  lake?  If  not,  then  hast  thou  a 
brother,  or  am  I  mad?  Shall  I  never  of 
thee  rid  myself?  Aye;  come  forth,  that 
I  may  again  meet  thee  in  mortal  combat 
and  drive  thee  from  the  land  of  Pseudo, 
as  I  drove  thee  from  mine  own  country." 

Thus  saying,  Columbiason  was  about  to 
spring  upon  his  former  antagonist,  when 
the  King  cried,  "Hold!  Thinkest  thou  not 
that  thou  canst,  by  physical  force,  ex 
terminate  thine  own  thoughts!  By  thy 
thought  thou  didst  both  seek  and  exter- 


310          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

minate  thine  ancient  ancestor,  whom  thou 
now  dost  seek  as  king!  Likewise  couldst 
thou  have  rid  thyself  of  the  ancient  knight, 
with  whom  thou  art  now  at  odds.  When 
one  is  at  enmity  with  his  own  thoughts,  he 
should  change  his  thought;  or,  better  still, 
he  should  let  only  the  good  and  the  true 
emanate  from  his  mind,  that  he  may  have 
no  cause  to  change  his  thought ! ' ' 

"Thou  art  a  philosopher  as  well  as  a 
king!"  exclaimed  Columbiason,  as  he  gazed 
upon  the  King  in  apparent  admiration. 

"Nay!  King  Pseudo  has  no  virtues  of 
his  own!  He  but  acts  as  a  register  of 
false  mortal-mind  thoughts,  which  are 
sometimes  expelled  by  the  good  and  true. 
If  mortals  would  guard  their  thoughts 
and  think  only  the  true,  there  would  be 
a  chance  of  King  Pseudo 's  conversion; 
for  the  predominance  of  the  true  would, 
like  pure  water,  poured  into  a  cup  of 
muddy  liquid,  take  the  place  of  the  im 
pure.  At  present,  the  false  appears  to 
predominate  among  mortals,  and  King 
Pseudo  but  reflects  it ! " 

"Then  is  King  Pseudo  Satan?"  cried 
Columbiason,  in  an  agitated  tone  of  voice. 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         311 

"  Satan  is  the  premeditated  evil  thoughts 
and  deeds  of  mortal-mind;  King  Pseudo 
originates  nothing.  He  is  a  reflection  of 
the  false  thoughts  and  ideas  of  mortals!" 
replied  the  King.  Then,  beckoning  to 
Columbiason,  he  led  the  way  to  a  hall, 
filled  with  gorgeous  as  well  as  dilapidated 
costumes,  and  on  the  latter's  expressing 
amazement  that  the  King  should  permit 
himself  and  his  court  to  be  so  poorly  at 
tired,  with  so  many  magnificent  cos 
tumes  within  his  reach,  King  Pseudo  re 
plied:  "All  these  costumes,  which  once  I 
wore,  were  but  the  vesture  of  false  thoughts, 
and  as  the  thoughts  were  changed,  I  was 
obliged  to  cast  them  off  and  robe  anew. 
The  garment  which  now  I  wear  is  but 
awaiting  an  entire  change  of  thought,  and 
it  will  take  its  place  with  those  cast  away, 
and  which  thou  now  beholdest !  In  the  case 
of  the  seemingly  most  gorgeous  mantles,  the 
change  from  the  false  to  the  true  thoughts 
was  sudden,  while  the  most  dilapidated 
garments  were  worn  threadbare  before  the 
false  thoughts  gave  way  to  the  true." 

"Then,  if  of  this  mantle  Your  Majesty 
can  be  relieved,  the  son  of  Columbia  will 


312          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

supply  its  place  with  one  more  gorgeous 
than  ever  king  beheld,"  replied  Colum- 
biason;  "and,"  he  continued,  "thy  whole 
Pseudoic  realm  shall  bow  before  thee .  in 
calm  submission,  on  account  of  thy  great 
splendor!" 

"  A  splendor  only  to  fade  away,  like  the 
splendor  of  the  generations  gone  before; 
for  believe  me,  Sir  Knight,  there  is  no  real 
splendor  in  the  land  of  Pseudo!"  replied 
the  King. 

"  I  will  take  thee  from  the  land  of  Pseudo, 
aye,  to  the  United  States  of  America; 
both  thou  and  thy  court  shall  go  with  me ! ' ' 
exclaimed  Columbiason. 

"Ha!  that  is  a  part  of  my  realm," 
ejaculated  King  Pseudo. 

"Thy  realm  is  most  extensive,"  ex 
claimed  Columbiason,  in  amazement. 

"Aye,  truly;  there  is  no  place  on  the 
earth  among  humans,  where  King  Pseudo 
is  not  welcome ! ' '  replied  the  King. 

"Thou  art  a  greater  monarch  than  Co 
lumbiason  knew,  and  whatever  name  and 
fame  he  might  have  had,  by  affiliation 
with  the  monarchs  of  other  dynasties, 
would  pale  into  insignificance  before  the 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         313 

greatness  that  awaits  him  as  a  subject  of 
Your  Pseudoic  Majesty!"  exclaimed  Co 
lumbiason,  as  he  bowed  low  before  the 
pride-stricken  mantle  of  King  Pseudo. 

"Thou  hadst  better  look  to  thy  pseu- 
dometer,"  said  King  Pseudo,  smiling,  as 
Columbiason  was  in  the  act  of  arising  from 
his  stooping  position. 

At  this  juncture  the  King's  daughter, 
the  Princess  Pseu,  and  her  mother,  the 
Queen,  known  among  the  native  Pseudos 
as  the  "  Pseudoine,"  entered  the  presence 
of  the  King  and  the  Knight  of  the  Titular 
Fleece. 

The  Queen  and  the  Princess  were  clad 
in  neat,  though  not  gaudy  costumes,  but 
their  manner  was  exceedingly  haughty 
and  overbearing.  They  were  both  fair 
in  appearance,  but  on  close  inspection, 
their  faces  would  have  been  shown  to  be 
"made  up."  However,  their  appearance 
and  manner  pleased  Columbiason,  who 
could  scarely  help  wishing  that  Madam 
Columbiana  and  Liberte,  his  ward,  would 
add  as  much  self-importance  to  their  dig 
nity. 

The  King  advanced  to  meet  his  wife  and 


3H         HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

daughter,  who  glanced  haughtily  at  Colum- 
biason,  whose  piratical  attire  seemed  to 
afford  a  subject  for  their  curiosity;  for 
they  pointed  at  it  disdainfully  and  ap 
peared  to  engage  in  a  discussion  as  to  its 
non-importance  in  Pseudo  Land.  This 
discussion  was  soon  interrupted,  however, 
by  the  King,  who  introduced  Columbiason 
to  them  as  "  Knight  of  the  Titular  Fleece." 
This  pleased  the  owner  of  the  title,  the 
meaning  of  which  was  unknown  to  the 
Queen  and  Princess,  as  it  doubtless  was  to 
the  King ;  and  it  had  the  effect  of  insuring 
pleasanter  relations  on  the  part  of  the 
haughty  Pseudoine  and  her  daughter,  who 
began  to  reciprocrate  the  admiration  be 
stowed  on  them  by  the  Knight,  owing, 
doubtless,  to  the  haughty  manner  which 
he,  also,  began  to  assume. 

It  soon  became  apparent  to  King  Pseudo 
and  his  whole  court  that  the  Knight  of  the 
Titular  Fleece  was  a  pretty  good  fellow, 
notwithstanding  the  seeming  haughtiness 
which  he  tried  hard  to  assume;  for,  with 
the  permission  of  His  Pseudoic  Majesty, 
he  dispatched  messengers  to  the  "Title 
Fiend"  for  the  gorgeous  costumes  which 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         315 

he  had  brought  for  the  occasion,  including 
new  crowns  for  the  King  and  Queen,  and  a 
sort  of  diadem  fcr  the  Princess. 

The  messengers  had  scarcely  made  their 
exit  when  lo !  the  King  and  his  court  sun- 
denly  became  clothed  in  garments  after 
the  nature  of  the  very  ones  for  which 
the  messengers  had  been  dispatched. 
This  greatly  amazed  Columbiason  and  the 
Admiral,  who,  from  their  surprised  stare 
at  the  grandiloquence  of  His  Majesty's 
court,  must  have  made  their  amazement 
apparent  to  the  King,  for  he  said: 

"  Thy  thought  hath  again  done  its  work 
and  reflected  itself  upon  King  Pseudo  and 
his  court ! ' ' 

Columbiason 's  attention  was  so  much 
taken  up  with  the  apparent  magnificence 
of  the  court,  and  with  the  knowledge  that 
he  had  been  the  cause  of  the  sudden  met 
amorphosis,  that  he  either  misunderstood, 
or  did  not  hear  the  King's  remarks;  for  he 
turned  to  the  Admiral,  in  a  pompous  and 
self-important  manner,  and  exclaimed,  as 
he  pointed  to  the  King  and  his  court: 
"  See  what  the  Son  of  Columbia  can  do, 
and  wonder  not  that  he  marvels  at  his  own 
greatness ! ' ' 


316         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

Columbiason's  attitude  had  its  effect; 
for  immediately,  exhibitions  of  extra 
haughtiness  and  self-pride  were  frequent, 
both  with  the  King  and  his  court,  who  be 
gan  to  vie  with  each  other  in  pomposity, 
as  they  examined  their  own  costumes. 

It  is  not  recorded  whether  or  not  the 
messengers  returned  with  the  original  gar 
ments  for  which  they  had  been  sent.  This, 
however,  could  not  have  deeply  inter 
ested  Columbiason,  or  his  Admiral;  for 
the  former  took  advantage  of  the  absorp 
tion  of  the  King's  thoughts  to  suggest  to 
the  latter  the  practicability  of  a  proposal 
by  the  Admiral  for  the  hand  of  Princess 
"Pseu"  in  marriage,  so  as  to  establish, 
as  he  thought,  more  friendly  relations  be 
tween  the  two  countries.  The  idea  seemed 
so  pleasing  to  the  Admiral  that  he  became 
enraptured  with  it  and  left  to  Columbiason 
the  task  of  suggesting  the  proposition  to 
King  Pseudo,  as  soon  as  an  opportunity 
should  warrant  it. 

In  the  mean  time,  the  King  and  his  Court 
began  to  feel  at  home  in  their  new  attire, 
and  the  Knight  of  the  Titular  Fleece  be 
gan  to  consider  the  importance  of  dis- 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY          317 

closing  to  His  Majesty  the  real  object  of 
his  visit  to  Pseudo  Land,  and  of  acquaint 
ing  him  with  the  great  scheme  originated 
by  the  Knight  of  the  Golden  Fleece,  and 
assented  to  by  all  the  knights,  to  convey 
that  monarch  to  the  United  States. 

The  King  and  Queen  had  taken  the 
throne,  the  latter  on  the  right  of  His 
Majesty,  while  the  Prime  Minister,  or 
Orator,  as  he  was  better  known  in  Pseudo 
Land,  was  standing  in  front  of  His  Majesty, 
but  down  from  the  platform,  or  throne- 
place,  as  the  natives  called  the  throne. 
At  either  side  of  the  throne,  but  in  front 
of  it,  were  the  King's  guards  and  courtiers, 
while  nearly  in  front  of  the  Orator,  in 
semi-circles,  were  seated  Pseudoic  maidens, 
attired  in  the  false -pride  garments  of 
mortal-mind  conception. 

Suddenly,  the  Orator  raised  both  of  his 
hands  and  the  voices  of  the  court  mingled 
in  chorus  most  harmoniously  in  words  as 
follows : 

"All  hail  our  King  Pseudo!     Hail,  all  hail! 
All  hail  his  Queen  and  daughter!     Hail, all  hail! 
The  Princess  of  Pseudoa!  Hail,  all  hail! 


3i8       HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

The  gem  of  the  great  water!     Hail,  all  hail! 
Hail!     Hail!     Hail!    All  hail,  hail! 
Hail" -! 

After  the  music  had  ceased,  the  maidens, 
still  being  seated,  commenced  a  great 
Pseudo  dance,  or  siva,  swaying  their 
bodies  and  arms  sideways,  backwards, 
forwards  and  around,  while  continually 
singing  or  humming  a  peculiar  tune,  yet, 
withal,  harmonious  and  sweet.  They 
then  arose,  and,  with  the  same  motions 
of  their  bodies  and  arms,  to  which  were 
added  graceful  motions  of  their  legs,  they 
danced  toward  and  from  the  male  at 
tendants  of  the  court,  who  then  joined  in 
the  humming,  and  with  similar  motions  of 
their  bodies  and  limbs,  danced  to  and  from 
the  maidens,  who  became  stationary,  ex 
cept  the  swaying  of  their  bodies  and  arms 
in  unison  with  those  of  the  men. 

The  scene  to  Columbiason  and  the  Ad 
miral  was  as  entrancing  as  it  was  novel, 
and  they  were  content  to  remain  standing 
for  the  privilege  of  witnessing  it. 

When  the  dancing  ceased,  however,  they 
were  not  sorry ;  for  they  were  both  equally 
anxious  to  get  a  general  idea  as  to  their 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY          319 

possibilities ;  and  Columbiason,  following  the 
example  set  by  the  Orator,  raised  both  of 
his  hands  for  the  privilege  of  addressing  the 
King,  who  nodded  his  assent. 

Columbiason,  then  bowing  low,  ad 
dressed  the  King  as  follows : 

"  Your  Pseudoic  Majesty,  King  of  all 
the  Pseudos,  I,  the  Knight  of  the  Titular 
Fleece,  crave  permission  to  see  Your  Most 
Royal  Highness  alone." 

"  Nay,  King  Pseudo  cannot  see  your 
Sir  Knightness  alone.  He  never  keeps 
anything  from  his  people!"  replied  the 
King. 

'Yes;  but  I  must  see  Your  Highness 
alone !  Please  explain  to  your  people  that  I 
want  to  monopolize  Your  Majesty,  and  that 
a  monopoly  is  never  intended  for  the  benefit 
of  the  public! "  responded  the  Knight. 

"  There  is  no  must  in  Pseudo  Land. 
Proceed ! ' '  answered  the  King,  somewhat 
angrily. 

Columbiason  hesitated  for  a  moment 
before  venturing  to  publish  the  scheme  of 
the  Knights  of  the  Fleece,  but  finally, 
feeling  satisfied  that  the  plan  was  safe 
among  the  Pseudos,  he  began  the  dis 
closure  thus: 


320         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

"It  seems,  Your  Highness,  that  the 
pulse  of  my  countrymen  has  been  quick 
ened  of  late  because  of  their  failure  to  re 
ceive  what  they  believe  to  be  their  share 
of  the  gold  of  the  country,  and  their 
hearts  beat  in  unison  for  more." 

"Strange  people,  truly!  Think  they 
contentment  cometh  with  gold?"  inter 
rupted  the  King. 

"Surely  not;  yet,  however  abnormal 
their  desire,  think  ye  not  'twere  better  to 
satisfy  it,  Your  Most  Royal  Highness?" 
inquired  the  Titular  Knight. 

"No  money,  no  devil!  Much  money, 
much  devil ! ' '  replied  the  King. 

"Quite  Pseudoic;  but  my  countrymen 
say,  '  No  money,  much  devil ; '  and  they 
prove  it,  Your  Most  Royal  Highness!" 
responded  the  knight. 

"How  blindly  do  thy  people  worship!" 
exclaimed  the  King. 

"Doubtless,  Your  Most  Royal  Highness; 
but  they  make  others  see  that  the  'gold 
cure'  is  the  only  remedy  for  their  blind 
ness!"  replied  the  knight. 

"The  root  of  all  our  discontent  is  gold!" 
retorted  the  King. 


HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         321 

"Thy  Pseudological  philosophy  is  of  a 
type  the  highest,  Sire;  and  I  fear  that  in 
thy  sight,  my  plan  is  doomed!"  said  the 
Titular  Knight. 

"Even  so,  unless  thy  tact  serve  thee 
better  than  to  keep  thy  mind  upon  a 
thing  so  senseless  and  devoid  of  life  as  gold," 
replied  the  King. 

Columbiason  seemed  quite  disconsolate 
for  a  moment,  but  finally  resolving  to  run 
the  risk  of  a  hurried  disclosure  of  the  dan 
gerous  scheme,  he  exclaimed: 

"I  represent  a  monied  syndicate, 
That  has  formed  a  plan  which  I  shall  now  dis 
close, 

By  which  I  think  we  soon  can  extricate 
My  country  from  its  socialistic  foes ! 
We  want  your  highness  to  accept  much  money! " 

"  Money  for  me? ' '  cried  the  King,  jump 
ing  down  from  the  throne  and  leaping  to 
the  side  of  the  Knight  of  the  Titular 
Fleece,  much  to  the  discomfort  of  both 
the  Orator  and  the  Admiral,  who  lost  their 
balance  and  rolled  upon  the  Pseudo  floor, 
only  to  hear  the  King  say:  "Sh|  we  had 
better  not  talk  so  loud! " 


322          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

The  astonishment  of  Columbiason  was 
complete  at  the  sudden  interruption,  but 
he  regained  himself  when  he  found  the 
King  by  his  side,  and  exclaimed:  "Thou 
art  as  level-headed,  or,  rather,  as  devil- 
headed  as  most  men.  Corporation — ter 
rible!  Monopoly — awful!  Oh,  ye  pure 
things !  It  takes  very  little  of  the  glittering 
source  of  their  power  to  convert  you! 
Sometimes,  it  first  must  touch  the  palm, 
but  often,  the  simple  breathing  of  its  name 
brings  you  down  from  your  high  throne 
of  purity  with  a  rapidity  most  astonish 
ing!  Thou  art  content  to  take  the  gold, 
but  wilt  thou  be  so  free  to  pay  it  for  a 
throne?" 

"  As  thou  wilt ! ' '  replied  the  King. 

"Then,"  said  Columbiason,  "'tis  the 
desire  of  the  great  Knights  of  the  Fleece 
that  my  discontented  countrymen  shall 
from  thy  hands  the  gold  receive  which 
thou  shalt  thus  obtain,  and  that  to  thee 
shall  shifted  be  all  the  responsibility  which 
now  upon  themselves  devolves;  yet  the 
power,  which  now  is  theirs,  shall  still 
their  own  remain ! ' ' 

"  'Tis  asking  much,  Sir  Knight,  to  have 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         323 

me  part  with  gold  and  power  too ! ' '  replied 
the  King. 

"And  thou  a  Pseudo  King!"  said  Co- 
lumbiason. 

"Aye,  but  what,  then,  is  left  to  King 
Pseudo  but  a  name  ? ' '  answered  the  King. 

"  Have  I  not  replaced  thy  tattered 
robes  with  costumes  gorgeous  to  behold?" 
exclaimed  Columbiason. 

"  These  gaudy  robes  are  but  the  cast-off 
garments,  often  by  King  Pseudo  and  his 
court  adorned.  Thou  hast  already  seen 
the  same  in  yonder  hall,  where,  soon,  they 
shall  return  to  wait  the  Pseudo  claim  to 
more,  Sir  Knight,  than  thou  canst  now 
divine ! ' '  responded  the  King. 

"  Then  tell  me,  pray,  why  thou  didst 
leave  thy  throne  and  to  my  side  repair  for 
gold  ? ' '  inquired  Columbiason. 

"  For  gold  not  here.  Thou  dost  forget 
that  this  is  Pseudo  Land,  and  King  Pseudo 
is  but  at  thine  own  command!  The  gold 
and  gorgeous  costumes  in  thy  mind  to  him 
thou  didst  impart,  and  as  thou  leadest  so 
doth  follow  His  Pseudoic  Majesty!"  re 
plied  the  King,  bowing. 

Columbiason,  on  hearing  the  King's  re- 


324         HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

ply,  became  quite  encouraged  as  to  his 
success  as  a  persuasive  orator,  and  felt 
that  the  time  was  ripe  for  him  to  dictate 
terms  to  the  King.  Rising  to  the  occasion, 
therefore,  he  expressed  himself  in  terms 
emphatic,  though  not  a  little  poetical,  as 
follows : 

"Then  know  that    all    my  corporation    friends 

shall  hold 

The  very  highest  titles  in  the  land ! 
And   through  taxation  must  return  the  gold, 
With  interest,  to  the  corporation  band; 
And  to  Your  Royal  Highness,  King  of  Pseudoia, 
Columbiason  Prime  Minister  shall  be — 
The  greatest  man  in  North  America, 
Except,  of  course,  Your  Royal  Majesty! 
And  the  Princess  to  the  Admiral  shall  be 
Married  before  we  start  for  home, 
And  when  Your  Majesty  shall  cease  to  live, 
I  shall  assume  the  sceptre  and  the  throne!" 

The  King  replied: 

"Considerate  is  thy  corporation  band, 
To  claim  King  Pseudo's  daughter  and  his  throne, 
In  lieu  of  perishable  robes 
That  lose  their  lustre  in  thy  native  land ! 
I  shall  my  people  bid  adieu, 


HIS    PSEUDOICT  MAJESTY          325 

And  let  the  Pseudoine 

The  Pseudo  throne  assume!" 

King  Pseudo  then  returned  to  his  throne 
and  addressed  his  people  in  somewhat 
poetical  feet,  which  appeared  to  be  the 
usual  method  of  address  on  all  state  occa 
sions  in  his  land.  His  address  is  given 
verbatim,  as  it  has  come  down  to  us,  and 
was  as  follows : 

"O'er  the  Pseudo  Ocean  is  beckoned 
Your  King  from  the  Pseudo  Isles, 
Who  will  leave  his  Pseudoine,  as  Second, 
To  crave  your  caresses  and  smiles ! 
She  will  henceforth  govern  your  nation, 
In  place  of  your  King  of  Pseudoa, 
Who  now  tenders  his  abdication, 
To  go  to  Great  America!" 

When  the  King  had  finished  his  short 
though  expressive  address,  the  whole  court 
shouted  many  times :  "  Hail,  King  Pseudo ! ' ' 
and  rendered  the  scene  more  impressive 
by  bowing  before  His  Pseudoic  Majesty, 
in  which  performance  the  Admiral  and 
Columbiason  joined. 

King  Pseudo  then  descended  from  the 


326          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

throne  and  walked  in  the  direction  of  the 
Knight  of  the  Titular  Fleece;  for  the  cus 
tom  of  the  country  forbade  its  monarch  s, 
after  their  abdication,  to  speak  from  the 
throne.  His  Majesty  exhibited  signs  of 
the  emotion  which  was  agitating  him,  and 
clearly  manifested  a  desire  to  give  fur 
ther  vent  to  his  pent-up  feelings.  Turning 
partly  toward  the  people,  and  from  cour 
tesy,  partly  toward  Columbiason,  he  there 
fore  further  addressed  the  former  as  fol 
lows: 

"The  greatest  monarch  I  shall  be 
That  ever  sat  upon  a  throne — 
A  corporate  king — Monopoly! 
Whose  power  all  the  world  shall  own ! " 

The  people  interrupted  the  King  by 
bowing  and  shouting,"  Hail,  King  Monop 
oly!  Hail!"  in  which  demonstrations, 
Columbiason  and  the  Admiral  again  found 
themselves  joining. 

When  quiet  was  restored,  the  King  con 
tinued  his  address,  only  to  be  interrupted 
in  a  similar  manner  after  each  pause.  He 
went  on  thus : 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         327 

"It  matters  not  from  whence  I  spring, 

North,  south,  east,  west  or  e'en  below! 
For  that  I'm  Corporation  King, 
Assures  me  power  where'er  I  go!" 

' 'Hail,  King  Monopoly!   Hail!"   cried  the 
people. 

"Vast  tracts  of  land  I  shall  acquire! 
Vast  interests  shall  be  controlled 
By  me,  your  Corporation  Sire, 
To  fill  my  pockets  with  your  gold! " 

"Hail!     Hail!"  continued  the  people. 

"The  corporate  sceptre  which  I  wield 
Shall  make  all  nations  of  the  land 

In  sweet  and  calm  submission  yield 
To  Corporation  King's  command!" 

Before  his  people  could  again  interrupt 
the  King  with  their  shouts  of  Hail!  etc., 
his  emotion  evidently  caused  him  to  in 
crease  his  metre,  as  he  exclaimed: 

"Yes,  ha,  ha,  ha,  ha,  ha! 
In  my  very  high  position, 
I  shall  rule  the  politician, 
The  lawyer  and  physician, 
The  Interstate  Commission, 
The  poor  man  and  patrician ; 
While  King  Whiskey's  coalition 


328         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

I'll  secure  without  condition; 
And  the  judge's  high  decision, 
And  the  jury,  in  addition, 
I'll  control  with  marked  precision; 
And  the  social  ammunition, 
Which  explodes  with  least  ignition, 
And  would  cause  the  demolition 
Of  my  very  high  position, 
Shall  waive  every  opposition, 
And  with  the  humblest  submission, 
Yield  at  once  to  the  volition 
Of  the  Corporation  King!" 


CHAPTER  XXII 

THE    PRINCESS    PSEU 

When  King  Pseudo  had  finished  his 
address,  the  people,  of  whom  the  son  of 
Columbia  and  the  Admiral  of  the  "Title 
Fiend ' '  appeared  to  have  considered  them 
selves  among  the  number,  went  wild,  as 
it  were,  from  shouting  "  Hail,  King  Mo 
nopoly!"  and  bowing  before  His  Pseudoic 
Majesty. 

Quiet  no  sooner  reigned  again,  than 
Princess  Pseu  came  running  and  skipping 
to  her  father's  side,  in  a  state  of  ecstatic 
joy,  over  the  beauty  of  her  costume  and 
the  brilliancy  of  the  jewels  and  gems, 
which,  through  the  courtesy  of  the  Knight 
of  the  Titular  Fleece,  adorned  her  person. 
She  had  not  been  a  witness  to  the  pro 
ceedings  which  were  the  occasion  of  King 
Pseudo 's  farewell  address  to  his  people, 
and  she  evidently  attributed  the  outburst 
of  apparent  joyfulness  on  their  part  to 


330         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

the  same  spirit  of  self-admiration  which 
had  kept  her  from  her  father's  side  during 
these  proceedings. 

The  Princess,  in  her  desire  to  display  her 
ornaments  to  her  father,  seemed  to  be 
oblivious  of  the  presence  of  any  one  but 
his  Pseudoic  Majesty  and  herself;  for,  re 
gardless  of  all  rules  of  propriety,  she 
pulled  her  dress  up  nearly  to  her  knees  and 
called  her  father's  attention  to  her  golden 
shoe-laces;  then  she  directed  his  attention 
to  the  golden  lace  on  her  gorgeous  dress, 
the  jewels  around  her  neck,  the  bracelets 
around  her  arms  and  wrists,  and  the  dia 
monds  in  her  ears,  all  of  which,  by  her  con 
stant  motions,  gave  the  appearance  of  a 
brilliant  pyrotechnical  display.  She  then 
exclaimed,  "  I  am  sure  all  the  men  would 
be  glad  to  marry  me!"  and  skipped  off 
toward  the  Pseudoine,  with  a  happy  "tra, 
la,  la, ' '  and  made  herself  no  less  conspicu 
ous  by  exhibiting  her  possessions  to  that 
Pseudoic  admirer  of  her  attractive  daugh 
ter. 

In  the  mean  time,  the  beauty  of  the 
Princess  had  become  considerably  en 
hanced  in  the  eyes  of  the  Admiral,  who 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         331 

began  to  evince  feelings  of  admiration  for 
the  charming  damsel,  as  well  as  for  him 
self  as  a  future  prince;  and  he  sought  an 
immediate  occasion  to  impress  upon  the 
Knight  of  the  Titular  Fleece  the  impor 
tance  of  bringing  the  question  of  "quick 
marriage ' '  to  the  attention  of  the  King. 
This  Columbiason  promised  to  do  without 
delay;  and,  true  to  his  promise,  he  re 
minded  His  Majesty  that  there  was  one  im 
portant  thing  to  be  done  before  they  set 
out  to  cross  the  great  Pseudoic  Ocean, 
on  the  homeward-bound  voyage,  and  that 
was  the  marriage  of  the  Admiral  to  the 
King's  most  royal  daughter. 

The  King  showed  signs  of  annoyance  at 
this  sudden  interference  with  his  paternal 
pleasure,  which  he  was  experiencing  through 
his  daughter's  self -admiration  antics;  and 
he  informed  the  Titular  Knight  that  the 
Admiral  had  shown  no  signs  of  devo 
tional  admiration  for  the  Princess. 

Columbiason,  somewhat  thoughtlessly, 
replied  to  His  Majesty  that  the  Admiral 
had  not  learned  the  art  of  loving  from  the 
heart. 

This  reason,  for  the  lack  of  demonstra- 


332  HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

tion  on  the  Admiral's  part,  tended  rather 
to  enrage  than  to  appease  the  King,  who 
informed  Colurnbiason  that  if  the  Admiral's 
soul  was  overflowing  with  feelings  of  true 
emotion,  he  could  scarce  suppress  the  ex 
pressions  of  devotion  for  the  Princess 
which  such  feelings  would  inspire,  and 
that  if  he  experienced  no  such  feelings  for 
his  daughter,  it  would  have  been  better 
far,  had  he  never  seen  the  King  of  all  the 
Pseudos. 

The  King's  anger  was  apparent;  for  he 
drew  from  its  scabbard  a  short  sabre  as  he 
spoke,  and  wielded  it  furiously  over  his 
head,  much  to  the  embarrassment  of  the 
Admiral,  who  took  occasion  to  remark  to 
himself  that  he  wished  he  had  never  known 
His  Royal  "  Hyena,"  as  he  called  the  King, 
and  that  if  he  ever  got  home  alive,  he 
would  become  thoroughly  patriotic,  and 
never  again  go  abroad  for  a  wife,  or  for 
any  other  thing  under  the  sun;  that  it 
looked  to  him  then  as  though  he  were 
even  going  to  have  a  foreign  coffin.  He 
then  remarked  to  the  Titular  Knight  that 
he  did  not  think  he  liked  the  "princess 
business,"  and  he  doubted  that  he  could 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         333 

generate  love  enough  in  his  bosom  to  bind 
his  soul  to  the  House  of  Pseudo. 

Columbiason  appeared  to  be  in  despair 
at  the  sudden  stand  the  Admiral  was  ap 
parently  in  the  act  of  taking,  and  he  ad 
dressed  him  thus: 

"  As  Admiral  of  the  'Title  Fiend,'  thou 
dost  but  ill  sustain  thy  claim  to  rank  so 
high.  Canst  thou  not  see  that  a  single 
thread  of  love  is  stronger  than  a  cable-toe 
of  steel?  Hadst  thou  but  that  single 
thread,  the  Princess  Pseu  is  thine,  and 
thou,  a  prince!" 

"Ah,"  replied  the  Admiral,  "didst  thou 
not  see  the  sword  of  his  Pseudoic  Majesty? 
Ah,  if  the  Admiral  should  die  before  he 
wed  the  Princess,  who  the  title  owns,  what 
then  of  love's  single  thread,  that  from  his 
country  takes  his  bones  ? ' ' 

"Think  not  of  death  till  thou  art  wed, 
that  thy  posterity  may  boast  of  thee  as 
chief  among  their  ancestry!"  replied  the 
Titular  Knight. 

"Yon  sword  and  king  would  make  the 
boasting  sooner  than  we  dream,  Sir 
Knight,"  responded  the  Admiral,  pointing 
to  King  Pseudo.  He  then  cast  his  eyes 


334         HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

heavenward  and  expressed  his  sentiments 
in  a  short  poetical  effusion,  something  like 
the  following: 

"Oh,  title,  title — ignis  fatuus,  dream! 
Wouldst  puff  thy  victims  up  with  vanity 
And  make  them  think  that  they're  the  cream 
Of  all  the  millions  of  humanity ; 
Nor  wouldst  release  thy  hold  on  their  conceit 
Until  thy  victory  o'er  the  poor  souls    is  com 
plete!" 

The  King,  in  the  mean  time,  had  been 
watching,  with  suspicion,  the  antics  of  the 
Titular  Knight  and  his  admiral,  and  he 
twirled  his  sabre  around  and  around,  in  a 
nervous  manner,  when  the  Admiral's  ef 
fusiveness  had  vented  itself,  and  rushed 
forward  toward  him,  cutting  the  air  with 
his  sabre,  and  exclaimed  in  stentorian 
tones : 

"So  thou  forgetest  how  to  love,  eh? 
Watch  the  King!" 

Then,  hastening  toward  the  Princess, 
whose  attention  had  been  attracted  by  the 
excitement,  and  who  had  come  to  meet 
him,  he  fell  upon  his  knees  before  her,  and 
laying  his  sabre  by  his  side,  clasped  his 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         335 

hands,  swayed  his  body  to  and  fro  and  fell 
on  his  face  before  her;  then  partially  aris 
ing,  he  rested  on  one  knee,  and  looking  up 
into  the  face  of  the  Princess,  he  exclaimed: 

"O  title,  title — princess  of  my  goal! 

My  wealth,  whatever  it  may  be — 
Aye,  my  country  and  my  very  soul — 
I  willingly  renounce  for  thee ! 
Be  mine!     Be  mine!" 

The  Admiral  stood,  trembling  before  the 
Court  of  the  King  of  all  the  Pseudos,  and 
listened  with  apprehension  to  the  protesta 
tions  of  love,  which  he  knew  he  was  ex 
pected  to  follow.  In  this  he  was  not  mis 
taken;  for  the  King  finally  sprang  to  his 
feet,  with  his  sabre  in  his  hand,  and  rushing 
to  the  Admiral,  cried: 

"See!  That  is  true  Pseudoic  love! 
Lovest  thou  my  daughter  so  ? ' 

The  Admiral  of  the  "Title  Fiend"  had 
no  time  to  lose.  He  had  coveted  the  title 
of  prince,  which  he  felt  he  would  become 
on  his  marriage  to  the  Princess.  He  had 
even  importuned  the  Knight  of  the  Titular 
Fleece  to  intercede  in  his  behalf.  This 
had  been  done,  and  it  was  too  late  now  for 


336         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

him  to  retreat.  Without  a  word  in  reply 
to  the  King,  therefore,  he  threw  himself 
upon  his  knees  before  Princess  Pseu,  but 
he  went  through  his  antics  very  awk 
wardly,  even  failing  to  throw  himself  on 
his  face  before  the  titled  object  of  his 
former  adoration;  in  fact,  he  seemed  to 
have  overlooked  even  the  pleading  lesson 
which  His  Pseudoic  Majesty  had  given 
him.  This  seemed  to  enrage  the  King  still 
more;  for,  seizing  the  Admiral  and  throw 
ing  him  to  one  side,  he  fell  upon  his  knees 
before  his  daughter  and  again  went 
through  the  love-making  performance,  fol 
lowed  immediately  by  the  Admiral,  who, 
owing  to  his  agitated  condition,  succeeded 
little  better  than  before  in  satisfying  the 
demands  of  His  Pseudoic  Majesty,  al 
though  he  went  through  the  poetical  pro 
posal  in  a  manner  even  more  emotional 
than  did  the  King,  upon  whom  he  kept 
his  eye  for  self -protection. 

The  King  was  about  to  again  seize  the 
lover,  with  whom  he  would  doubtless 
have  dealt  more  severely  than  before, 
when  Columbiason,  who  had  been  watch 
ing  the  proceedings  in  a  spirit  of  consider- 


HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         337 

able  agitation,  came  to  the  rescue  of  his 
Admiral,  and,  in  the  language  of  the  court, 
exclaimed : 

"  In  our  country  'tis  getting  quite  rare 
For  our  sons  to  love  their  ladies  fair; 
While  our  girls,  but  for  station  high, 
Ere  they  marry,  would  pine  and  die ! 
He  can't  understand  the  peculiar  style 
That  seems  to  prevail  in  the  Pseudo  Isles ! " 

The  King  was  about  ready  to  reply  to 
the  Titular  Knight,  when  the  Prime  Minis 
ter,  who  also  had  been  watching  the 
proceedings,  appeared  to  appreciate  the 
Admiral's  embarrassment;  and  --.stepping 
forward  from  his  place  near  the  throne,  he 
raised  his  hands,  after  the  custom  of  the 
court,  whose  attention  was  immediately 
attracted  to  him,  and  exclaimed : 

"I'll  settle  the  thing  on  a  solid  basis! 
Let  them  begin 
Their  love-making 
While  we  hide  our  faces; 
And  when  I  am  sure 
Their  love  will  endure 
To  a  happy  lot, 
I  will  tie  the  knot!" 


338          HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

This  suggestion  appeared  to  meet  with 
the  approval  of  the  entire  court,  and  the 
Prime  Minister  was  encouraged  to  con 
tinue: 

"  We  will  hide  our  faces 
Till  all  the  vacant  places 
In  the  hearts  of  these  two  graces 
Shall  with  true  love  be  filled," 

The  whole  court,  also  the  King  and 
Queen,  as  well  as  Columbiason,  then  turned 
themselves  completely  around,  their  backs 
to  the  lovers ;  and  the  Admiral,  finding  him 
self  unobserved,  advanced  toward  the  Prin 
cess,  whom  he  addressed  thus: 

"Madam  Princess  Pseu! 
Had   I   but  beheld  thy  jewels  and  costumes, 

gorgeous, 

Without  thy  face  and  form, 
How  could  my  love  be  thine? " 

The  Princess  replied,  as  she  examined  her 
gown  and  jewels,  and  glanced  at  her  face 
in  a  hand-mirror,  which  she  held  before  her: 

"  How  can  a  princess  fail  to  hear 
Love's  voice,  so  sweet 
From  pure  emotion?!' 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         339 

At  this  juncture  of  the  proceedings,  the 
Prime  Minister  turned  toward  the  lovers, 
and  peeping  through  his  fingers,  exclaimed: 

"  Their  love  is  brewing! " 

This  was  repeated  by  the  Court,  who 
seemed  to  feel  encouraged  at  the  pro 
gress  which  the  wooers  were  making. 

The  Admiral  then  renewed  his  protesta 
tions  of  love  as  follows : 

"Yet  love  is  fickle  when  'tis  forced! 
Aye,  love  is  only  love  when  pure  and  undefiled! 
Then  tell  me,  Princess,  if  thy  father's  sword 
Shall  the  incentive  be  for  love — 
Is  not  its  steel  more  trusty? " 

The  Princess  replied: 

"Aye,  yet,  what  a  lesson  in  the  sword! 
Its  steel  so  true,  that,  were  thy  love  as  pure, 
'Twould  never  flinch  from  duty,  nor  be  false ! " 

The  Admiral  inquired: 

"And  thinkest  thou  not  a  sword  of  steel  can  bend 
And  still  its  length  renew,  when  so  inclined?" 

The  Princess  replied: 

"Aye,  the  trusty  sword  but  bends 
To  test  its  strength. 


340         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

Like  the  lover  true,  who  never  breaks  his  vow, 
It  breaketh  not,  but  springs  to  greater  unity! " 

The  Admiral  ejaculated: 

"However  trusty  be  thy  father's  sword 
To  him  and  thee, 
'Tis  false  to  me, 
And  would  compel 
My  love  to  flee 
To  yonder  heights, 
Or  be  as  false  to  thee!" 

The  Princess  cried: 

"Oh,  cruel,  cruel  thing! 
Let  me  have  my  father's  sword 
Instead  of  thee!" 

On  thus  expressing  her  sentiments  to  her 
pseudo  lover,  the  Princess  shrieked  and 
would  have  fallen,  had  not  the  Admiral 
caught  her  in  his  arms.  The  King  and  his 
court,  on  hearing  the  shriek  of  the  Princess, 
turned  their  faces  toward  her,  and  seeing 
her  in  the  arms  of  the  Admiral,  they  ap 
peared  to  look  upon  it  as  convincing  proof 
that  the  wooing  was  a  success. 

The  Prime  Minister,  then  addressing  the 
court,  exclaimed: 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         341 

"  Let  us  have  the  celebration ! 
Love's  sweet  voice  has  touched  the  heart! 
We  have  had  full  demonstration 
That  the  Prince  has  done  his  part ! 
So,  come,  come,  let  us  away, 
While  they  list  to  love's  sweet  sway; 
We'll  clothe  them  now  in  bright  array 
On  their  happy  wedding  day!" 

The  whole  court  then  took  up  the  in 
junction  of  the  Prime  Minister  in  song, 
thus: 

"Let  us  have  the  celebration! 
Love's  sweet  voice  has  touched  the  heart! 
We  have  had  full  demonstration 
That  the  Prince  has  done  his  part ! 
Away!    away!    away!    away! — away !" 

The  King  and  the  Knight  of  the  Titular 
Fleece  then  locked  arms  and  took  the  lead 
to  the  great  Pseudoic  Temple,  which  stood 
close  to  the  palace,  and  were  followed  by 
the  court  and  the  supposed  happy  couple, 
who  were  soon  united  in  matrimony  under 
the  laws  of  the  Pseudoic  realm. 


CHAPTER  XXIII 

THE    DESPAIR    OF    LIBERTE 

The  charming  face  of  the  beautiful  lake, 
in  the  garden  of  the  Columbiason  home, 
nestled  close  to  the  edge  of  the  sloping 
hills,  as  if  to  seek  repose  under  their  pro 
tective  care.  There  was  not  a  vestige  of  a 
mark  left  on  the  beautiful  visage  to  tell 
the  tale  of  the  terrible  conflict  which  had 
disturbed  her  peace.  Even  the  wrinkles 
which  the  conflict  had  caused  to  distort 
her  pacific  features  had  disappeared;  nor 
was  the  spear  that,  for  a  time,  had  marred 
the  beauty  of  her  countenance,  anywhere 
visible. 

The  dear,  sweet  face  of  the  Queen  of 
Night  seemed  to  bend  down,  as  she  rose 
from  behind  the  hills,  and  kiss  to  sleep 
that  aqueous  face,  once  so  much  disturbed, 
yet  now  so  calm,  and  then  rise  to  her  throne 
in  the  sky,  to  observe  the  nocturnal  course 
of  nature,  as  it  travelled  peacefully  be 
neath  her  feet. 


HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         343 

Just  beyond  the  placid  lake,  walking 
slowly  and  despondently  down  a  pathway 
which  branched  from  the  main  boulevard 
that  led  to  it,  might  have  been  seen  the 
form  of  a  maiden,  divinely  beautiful,  and 
clad  in  a  long,  flowing  gown  of  white  and 
red  material,  with  a  bodice  which  seemed 
to  reflect  the  sky  and  its  starry  firmament. 
On  her  head  was  a  tiny  liberty  cap,  upon 
the  front  of  which  were  tiny  stars  of 
precious  gems,  which  glistened  in  the 
moonbeam's  silvery  light  like  so  many 
brilliants  in  the  coronet  of  an  empress. 

No  one  could  mistake  this  beautiful 
form,  which  was  none  other  than  that  of 
Liberte,  the  charming  daughter  of  the 
Goddess  of  Liberty,  and  the  ward  of  the 
son  of  Columbia.  The  solemn  tread  and 
thoughtful  attitude  of  this  beautiful 
"Child  of  the  Free"  betrayed  the  state  of 
her  mind,  as  she  wended  her  way  toward 
the  quiescent  waters  of  the  lake;  but, 
even  had  they  not  done  so,  the  observer 
would  not  have  been  obliged  to  meditate 
as  to  the  cause  of  her  tardy  and  hesitating 
step;  for  when  she  reached  a  slight  emi 
nence  just  above  the  lake,  her  pure,  sweet 


344          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

and  charming  voice,  the  tones  of  which 
the  surrounding  hills  had  often  before 
re-echoed,  broke  upon  the  quiet  ether  in 
most  pathetic  strains,  to  words  as  follows: 
"Ah,  why  this  sadness  o'er  my  soul  intruding? 

Whisperings  which  I  cannot  still 

Tell  me  that  forebodings  ill 

Are  o'er  me  brooding; 

Oh,  peace  and  gladness  from  my  soul  departing, 

Ah,  leave  me  not  in  agony  and  pain ! 

Oh,  return  to  me  again, 

Sweet  joy  imparting!" 

It  is  seldom  that  the  voice  of  Liberty 
remains  unanswered;  and  it  was  not  re 
markable,  therefore,  that  the  inspiring 
tones  which  ushered  from  the  throat  of 
the  beautiful  daughter  of  the  Goddess, 
should  have  caught  the  ear  of  one  whose 
admiration  for  the  maiden  had  ripened 
into  a  love  little  less  than  worshipful. 
America  had  been  watching  the  course 
of  the  Goddess  of  Night,  as  she  rose  to 
greet  the  stars,  that  were  blinking  in  harm 
less  flirtations  with  that  cherub-faced  noc 
turnal  ruler,  when  he  caught  the  accents 
of  Liberte's  voice.  The  tones  were  the 
sweetest  he  had  ever  heard,  but  they  struck 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         345 

deep  into  his  heart;  for  there  was  a  sad 
ness  in  them  that  only  he  could  really 
fathom.  He  saw,  in  his  mind,  this  beau 
tiful  "Child  of  the  Free"  —the  very  acme 
of  all  that  made  his  life  worth  living — 
and  heard  her  sounding  the  notes  of  de 
spair,  yet  so  sweetly  and  pathetically  that 
he  felt  he  could  no  longer  resist  flying  to 
her  side  and  clasping  her  so  firmly  in  his 
arms  that  only  death  itself  would  be  able 
to  separate  them. 

As  his  thoughts  pressed  thus  rapidly 
upon  his  heated  brain,  he  forgot  the  Queen 
of  Night  and  all  her  stellar  admirers,  and 
indeed,  all  the  earth,  with  its  beauties  and 
attractions,  including  the  charming  lake 
which  lay  at  his  feet,  and  over  which  his 
voice  had,  at  least  once,  blended  in  sweet 
unison  with  that  of  the  object  of  his  love, 
and  leaping  like  a  deer,  in  the  direction 
from  which  came  the  sad  pathetic  tones, 
he  soon  found  himself  facing  the  joy  of 
his  life — the  hope  of  his  existence. 

Liberte,  her  eyes  still  cast  to  earth,  and 
with  a  hope  almost  forlorn,  was  uncon 
scious  of  the  presence  of  her  lover  until 
attracted  to  him  by  his  panting  breath; 


346         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

then,  raising  her  eyes,  she  clasped  her 
hands,  and  in  a  tone  of  joyful  surprise, 
exclaimed : 

"America!     "What  joy  this  meeting!" 

America  was  overjoyed  to  find  himself 
once  more  by  the  side  of  the  one  whom  he 
so  much  adored;  and  grasping  her  hand, 
he  drew  Liberte  to  his  manly  breast  and 
replied : 

"  With  rapture,  love,  my  heart  is  beating, 
As  in  mine  arms  I  clasp  thee  once  again ! " 

Liberte  replied: 

"Thine  arms  must  needs  be  strong; 
For  Title  and  Monopoly 
May,  ere  long, 
Separate  thy  Love  and  thee ! " 

America  responded : 

"Nay;  no  power  shall  rob  me  of  mine  own! 
No  king,  e'er  seated  on  a  throne, 
Nor  all  the  gold 
That  corporate  king 
Can  e'er  behold 
Shall  make  us  twain!" 

Liberte,  gazing  into  the  eyes  of  her 
lover,  replied: 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         347 

"Ah,  the  power  of  gold  and  title,  in  the  hand 
Of  enemies  like  the  Corporation  Band 
And  title  seekers,  after  fame  and  caste, 
Will  bring  America,  at  last, 
To  bend  to  them  the  suppliant  knee, 
If  he  would  e'er  maintain  his  liberty!" 

America  cried: 

"  Nay!  heaven  forbid  such  test  of  my  fidelity! 
Mine  arms  shall  hold  thee  firm  'gainst  all 
Such  enmity;  nor  yield  a  jot  of  justice 
In  thy  name,  whate'er  say  title, 
Greed  or  fame!" 

Suddenly,  the  silence  of  the  night  was 
broken  by  a  voice,  which  rang  out  upon 
the  air,  and  from  the  distant  hills  re 
turned,  in  echo,  the  name  "Liberte!  Lib- 
erte!" 

The  voice  was  not  new  to  the  daughter 
of  the  Goddess.  She  had  heard  it  many 
times;  for  it  was  the  voice  of  Madam  Co- 
lumbiana — a  voice  once  caressing  and  en 
dearing,  and  listened  to  by  the  maiden 
with  a  feeling  that  it  was  well  meaning; 
but  there  was  a  menacing  tone  in  it  now 
that  made  it  less  welcome  to  her;  for  it 
was  antagonistic  to  the  ties  that  bound 


348          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

her  to  America.  Clinging  closely  to  her 
lover,  therefore,  she  exclaimed,  in  a  voice 
subdued  and  fearful: 

"I  hear  a  voice!     It  seems  as  if  the  very  knell  of 
death  cries  out  to  Liberty!" 

America,  hearing  but  the  echo  of  the 
voice,  replied: 

"Nay!  from  the  mountains  comes  the  voice 
That  cries  to  thee ! 

The  mountains  still  bear  love  for  liberty! 
There,  Liberte,  shalt  thou  fly  with  me?" 

Liberte  replied : 

"  Nay,  nay,  my  pathway  seemeth  dark! 
With  all  the  stars,  as  well  the  Queen  of  Night, 
I  see  no  light! 
Hark,  America,  hark!" 

The  youth,  drawing  the  maiden  closer  to 
his  side,  responded: 

"The  light  of  liberty  from  thy  face,  so  fair, 
Will  change  to  light 
The  black  of  night! 
Liberte,  have  no  fear!" 

"Liberte!  Liberte!"  again  came  the 
voice  of  Madam  Columbiana,  who,  though 
close  upon  the  lovers,  was  unaware  of  her 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY          349 

close  proximity  to  the  object  of  her  search, 
and  still  less  aware  that  the  youth  America 
was  at  that  very  time  in  the  act  of  holding 
her  fair  ward  in  his  loving  embrace. 

Madam  Columbiana,  although  on  a 
searching  expedition  for  her  ward,  was  by 
no  means  in  an  aggressive  or  threatening 
mood  at  this  time;  for  she  had  received 
information  from  her  husband  that  had 
given  her  cause  for  rejoicing,  and  she  was 
rather  meditative  than  otherwise;  hence, 
as  she  came  upon  the  lovers,  midway  of 
the  crest  of  the  hill  overlooking  the  lake, 
she  exclaimed,  half  to  herself  and  half 
aloud: 

"Yes,  from  thy  Guardian's  hand  a  letter  comes 
That  bringeth  news  sublime ! 
His  noble  band, 
In  glittering  array, 
His  native  strand, 
Without  delay, 
Shall  reach! 
And  he,  Premier, 
And  I — ha,  ha,  Premieress 
To  the  King  shall  be ! 
Ha !  ha !  and  when  the  Pseudo  King 
Shall  die,  thy  Guardian  the  King! 
And  I,  the  Queen!  the  Queen!  the  Queen!" 


350         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

After  this  semi -incongruous  colloquy 
terminated  in  the  word  "Queen,"  which 
Madam  Columbiana  had  repeated  three 
times  with  most  exultant  vehemence,  she 
crumbled  tightly  in  her  hand  the  letter 
which  she  had  been  reading,  and  to  which 
she  had  referred,  and  almost  unconsciously 
dropped  it  to  the  ground  and  continued 
to  discourse  with  herself  thus: 

"The  future  queen!  To  think  the 
United  States  shall  be  a  kingdom  great, 
and  I,  Premieress  to  the  King!  How  odd, 
indeed !  And  what  to  do  ?  The  King  shall 
tell  me,  lest,  from  ignorance,  I  know  not 
how  to  act  the  part ! ' ' 

Then,  glancing  up  at  the  moon,  she  ex 
claimed  : 

"And  Queen  of  Night! 
Thou  shalt  divide  the  honors  with  thy  sister 

queen ! 

How  little  didst  thou  think,  when  first  thy  pat 
ronizing  smile 
Upon  me  beamed,  that  I  to  equal  fame  should 

rise  with  thee! 

Aye,  Queen  Luna,  thou  mayest  well  beware, 
Lest  upon  thy  sphere  nocturnal,  I  encroach 
And  make  thee  jealous  of  my  power, 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY        351 

By  night  as  well  as  day, 
When  them  dost  sleep!" 

Then,  lifting  her  skirt,  the  Madam 
strutted  backward  and  forward  in  the  pale 
moonlight,  before  America  and  Liberte,  of 
whose  presence  she  was  quite  ignorant, 
and  who,  happy  in  each  other's  arms,  yet 
in  despair,  were  watching  the  antics  of  the 
would-be  queen. 

By  the  time  Madam  Columbiana  had 
completed  a  few  circuits  around  herself,  a 
small  passing  cloud  partially  obscured  the 
face  of  the  moon,  thus  again  attracting 
her  attention  to  that  nightly  orb;  and 
pausing  in  her  circumambulations,  she 
again  addressed  her  rival  somewhat  as 
follows : 

"Hi,   Queen  of  Night!     Why  hidest    thou    thy 

face  from  Queen  Columbiana? 
Perhaps  thou  thinkest  inappropriate  her  dainty 

strides  ? 

More  likely,  thou  canst  not  with  her  compete, 
And,  therefore,  hidest  thou  thy  face 
In  shame  behind  thy  fan! 

Aye,  she  will  show  thee  more  thou  canst  not  do, 
And  make  thy  face,  with  envy,  turn  to  green! 
See!  didst  thou  e'er  behold  the  Lunar  Queen 
In  such  a  scene  ? " 


352         HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

After  her  feelings  of  disdain  for  her  rival 
had  thus  vented  themselves,  "Queen  Co- 
lumbiana  "  again  lifted  her  dainty  robes  and 
began  to  dance  before  America  and  Lib 
ert  e,  under  the  seeming  radiant  smiles  of 
her  rival  queen,  from  whose  face  the  ob 
truding  cloud  had  passed,  and  who  seemed 
to  enjoy  the  novelty  of  the  scene  quite  as 
much  as  did  the  sole  participant  in  the 
festivities. 

In  the  mean  time,  the  attention  of  Lib- 
erte  had  been  attracted  from  the  unusual 
scene  to  her  lover,  who  was  importuning 
her  to  heed  his  solicitations  and  fly  with 
him  to  the  mountains,  when  the  moon 
light  festivities  were  suddenly  interrupted 
by  the  appearance  of  a  messenger  who  in 
formed  Madam  Columbiana  that  it  was 
learned  from  a  wireless  message  that  the 
"Title  Fiend"  would  arrive  at  early  dawn. 

The  Madam,  startled  from  her  ecstatic 
lunar  frolics,  raised  her  head  in  joyous  glee, 
and  assuming  an  attitude  of  dignity, 
pointed  upward  and  replied: 

"Go  and  tell  the  ' Title  Fiend '  that  Queen 
Columbiana  awaits  her  crown  and  ermine!" 

Then,  turning  her  head,  as  if  to  continue 


HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         353 

her  declamation  to  the  moon,  her  eyes  fell 
upon  the  beautiful  face  of  her  ward,  Lib- 
erte,  whom  she  discovered  in  the  em 
brace  of  America,  her  lover  and  protector. 

The  sight  of  the  youth  and  maiden 
seemed,  much  more  than  the  arrival  of  the 
messenger,  to  interfere  with  the  merriment 
of  the  guardianess,  who  drew  herself  to 
her  full  height,  and  exclaimed: 
"  Liberte,  basking  in  the  misty  light 

Reflected  by  the  Queen  of  Night  from  me; 

A  light,  less  misty,  when  it  comes  direct. 

Should  suit  thee  better  and  reflect 

More  brilliancy; 

For  I,  Columbiana,  Queen  to  be, 

Shall,  through  my  gorgeous  court, 

O'ershadow  her  Most  Lunar  Majesty. " 

Having  thus  addressed  herself  to  Lib 
erte,  the  Madam  lifted  her  gown  and  in 
dulged  in  an  ostentatious  strut  around  in 
a  circle;  then,  returning  to  the  place  from 
which  she  had  started,  her  vision  seemed 
to  have  focussed  itself  on  America,  to 
whom  her  attention  had  not  been  pre 
viously  attracted;  and  again  assuming  a 
stately  attitude,  she  addressed  the  faithful 
lover  of  her  otherwise  forsaken  ward  thus; 


354         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 

"And  thou,  America! 
Thinkest  thou  that  Princess  Liberte 
Shall  in  sweet  wedlock  give  her  hand  to  thee  ? 
Nay,  nay;  thou  art  but  too  confiding  in  thy 

youth ! 

'Twere  in  vain  to  cherish  hope  in  mortal  truth, 
That  will  but  play  thee  false ! 
If  thou  wert  but  a  king,  or  e'en  a  prince, 
Thy  prospect  would  ne'er  be  in  such  suspense; 
And  in  thy  brawny  arms,  thou  mightest  embrace 
In  all  her  winning  charms  and  maiden  grace 
Our  ward  Liberte ! " 

America,  drawing  his  beloved  closer  to 
his  bosom,  replied: 

"My  coat-of-arms  is  Strength;  my  title,  Destiny; 
My  spear  is  Truth,  not  even  bent  through  war 

with  Falsity! 

My  shield  is  Virtue,  and  my  helmet  Peace! 
My  sword  is  Justice  (may  it  never  cease) ; 
My  coat-of-mail  is  Progress ;  and  my  name  withal 
Is  a  guarantee  of  equal  rights  to  all ! 
My  beacon-light  is  from  above — 
The  light  so  dear  to  me — 
That  guides  and  fills  my  soul  with  love; 
Her  name  is  Liberte!" 

Having  thus  expressed  himself  to  the 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         355 

would-be  queen,  America  started,  with  the 
object  of  his  devotion,  to  descend  from 
the  hillock  overlooking  the  lake,  as  if  to 
proceed  toward  the  mountains,  when  his 
course  was  interrupted  by  Madam  Colum- 
biana,  who  exclaimed : 

"Thy  words,  sweet  morsels  from  thy  tongue, 
Doth  roll  effusively! 
Didst  thou  not  hear 
That  the  'Title  Fiend'  is  near? 
Where  is  thy  boasted  power  to  wield  thy  sword, 
And  with  virtue's  shield  protect  thee 
From  thy  lord  and  master, 
King  Monopoly! 

Ah,  title  cometh  not  with  sword  and  shield 
To  plant  his  standard 
And  his  foot  to  hold  upon  thy  soil ! 
Nay !  Nay!     He  feels  his  way  with  gold — 
A  power  not  so  patriotic 
But  more  potent  than  thine  own! 
Nor  doth  thy  name  appear  upon  his  roll 
Until  he  hath  possession  of  thy  soul!" 

Liberte,  nestling  closer  to  her  lover,  re 
plied  to  her  guardianess: 

"A  power  higher — aye,  the  Power  Divine, 
Shall  guide  America  in  his  love,  sublime! " 


356         HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY 
Madam  Columbiana  responded: 

"  Prayer,  whatever  throne  it  may  assail, 
Compared  with  gold  and  title,  is  without  avail!" 

Liberte  replied,  earnestly: 

"  But  gold  and  title  ne'er  can  reach  the  goal 
Of  prayer  and  cause,  united  in  the  soul! " 

America  exclaimed,  as  he  again  started  in 
the  direction  of  the  mountains: 

"  Aye,  to  the  cliffs  away  we'll  steal, 
And  to  the  Goddess  we'll  appeal!" 

Madam  Columbiana  answered  in  a  tone 
of  command: 

"Stay,  Liberte!     Liberte,  stay!" 

America  answered: 

"Nay,  nay! 
True  hearts  plighted, 
In  prayer  united, 
The  Goddess  will  hear! 
Away!     Away!" 

Then,  placing  his  arm  around  the  waist 
of  the  maiden,  the  youth,  with  the  idol  of 
his  heart,  disappeared  from  the  vision  of 
the  would-be  queen,  who  stood,  apparently 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         357 

stupefied  and  bewildered  at  his  audacity. 
Then,  coming  to  herself,  she  exclaimed: 
"Go  Liberte!"  and,  pointing  to  the  moon, 
she  continued: 

"And  thou,  Queen  Lunar,  take  thyself  to  yonder 

height, 

Thus  to  illume  the  darkness  of  the  night; 
For  at  the  dawn  of  day, 
Columbiana  may  outshine  thy  light!" 

She  then  turned  toward  the  palace,  to 
which  she  wended  her  way,  leaving  her 
rival,  Queen  Luna,  in  full  sway. 


CHAPTER  XXIV 

THE    SUPPLIANT    APPEAL 

America  and  Liberte,  after  leaving  the 
presence  of  Madam  Columbiana,  com 
pleted  their  descent  to  the  beautiful  lake 
that  lay  at  the  foot  of  the  hill,  and  after 
walking  toward  its  narrow  end,  near  the 
place  where  the  conflict  between  Colum- 
biason  and  his  shadowy  reflection  had 
taken  place,  they  soon  gained  its  op 
posite  side,  and  found  themselves  ascend 
ing  a  mountain  slope,  grand,  gorgeous 
and  most  picturesque. 

The  moon  had  climbed  to  this,  one  of 
the  grandest  pieces  of  nature's  handiwork, 
and  was  reflecting  its  light  upon  the  charm 
ing  valley  and  the  distant  verdure-covered 
meadows.  The  leaping  cascades  could  be 
heard  in  the  stillness  of  the  night  as  they 
made  their  downward  plunge  thousands 
of  feet,  to  mingle  with  the  waters  at  the 
base  of  the  mountain  and  join  the  rippling 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         359 

rills  on  their  way  to  the  placid  lake.  The 
towers,  castles,  minarets,  terraces  and 
domes  formed  by  the  mountain-peaks 
glistened,  from  the  shining  countenance  of 
the  Goddess  of  Night,  as  she  leaped  across 
the  frowning  precipices  and  the  awful 
chasms  yawning  beneath  her  feet. 

When  the  lovers  had  reached  a  slight 
prominence  which  overshadowed  the  lake, 
Liberte  paused  and  exclaimed:  "Ah,  must 
we  despair  ?  Is  there  no  hope  for  Liberte  ? " 

America  drew  her  closer  to  his  side,  and 
replied: 

"Say  not  to  hope  depart!  nor  e'er  despair! 
Nay;  to  the  Goddess  we'll  repair 
And  raise,  with  her,  our  voice  in  unity 
To  Him  who  ever  guides  our  destiny!" 

The  two  then  looked  toward  the  moun 
tains  and,  in  unity,  appealed  to  the  God 
dess  of  Liberty  in  a  supplication,  as  follows: 

"  O  Thou  Goddess  of  Liberty! 
Come  forth  in  all  thy  majesty; 
Thy  name  proclaiming, 
Thy  power  maintaining, 
Which  now  is  waning! 
Hear,  Goddess,  hear!" 


360         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

The  sister- spirits  of  Liberte,  who  were 
hidden  behind  the  mountain-peaks,  re 
echoed  "  Hear,  Goddess,  hear! " 

This  was  followed  by  the  united  voices 
of  America  and  Liberte,  who  exclaimed: 

"  O,  hear  our  suppliant  appeal! 
Come  forth!     O  come,  thyself  reveal!" 

"Hear,  mother,  hear!"  exclaimed  the 
sisters  of  Liberte,  in  soft  and  liquid  tones. 

America,  then  casting  his   eyes  toward 
the  mountain-peaks,  exclaimed: 
"Thou,  who  gavest  to  my  keeping 

One  who  still  thy  name  doth  bear, 

Fear  upon  my  soul  is  creeping 

Lest  mine  enemies  will  tear 

From  me 

My  darling  Liberte!" 

"Hear,  mother,  hear!"  again  came  from 
the  voices  of  the  hidden   sister- spirit s ;  and 
America,  continuing,  exclaimed: 
"Thou  hidden  Spirit  of  the  Free! 

My  soul  ascends  with  thee 

To  Him  whose  beacon-light 

Shall  guide  my  soul  aright ! " 

"Hear,  mother,  hear!"  came  still  again 
from  the  voices  of  the  sister- spirits. 


HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         361 

After  this,  all  was  quiet  for  a  moment, 
save  the  sound  of  the  falling  cataracts; 
then,  suddenly  the  voice  of  the  Goddess 
was  heard  to  say: 

"America  and  Liberte, 

Thy  voice  I  hear! 
Bow  down  with  me 
In  silent  prayer!" 

The  youth  and  maiden  then  knelt  to 
gether  and  the  Goddess  continued: 

"O  Thou,  Most  High— Divinity! 
Guide,  from  Thine  abundant  source, 
Liberty's  footsteps  on  her  course 
To  make  thy  children  free!" 

"Hear,  Father,  hear!"  resounded,  in 
the  quiet  night,  the  voices  of  the  sister- 
spirits  of  Liberte. 

The  voice  of  the  Goddess,  continuing, 
exclaimed: 

"O,  under  Thy  protective  care 
Preserve,  throughout  eternity, 
The  spirit,  true,  of  liberty! 
O  Father,  hear  our  prayer!" 

"Hear,  Father,  hear!"  reiterated  the 
sister-spirits. 


362          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

The  voices  then  ceased,  and  all  was  again 
quiet,  save  the  distant  sound  of  the  falling 
waters  from  the  mountain-peaks,  which 
the  lunar  queen  had  kissed  good  night,  as 
she  descended  the  rocky  stairway  toward 
her  bedchamber  that  was  awaiting  her  ar 
rival  beyond  the  horizon. 

The  day  had  yet  to  dawn,  and  the  night, 
which  had  escorted  its  queen  to  her  cham 
bers,  would  have  left  America  and  Liberte 
in  complete  darkness,  but  for  the  brilliant 
illumination  emanating  from  the  faces  of 
the  Goddess  of  Liberty  and  her  daughters, 
Liberte 's  sister-spirits,  all  of  whom,  though 
hidden  behind  the  grim  mountain-peaks, 
added  to  the  light  radiating  from  the  beam 
ing  face  of  Liberte. 

America  and  Liberte  then  arose  from 
their  kneeling  position  and  gazed  toward 
the  fading  radiation  until  it  disappeared 
with  the  Goddess  and  her  other  Daughters 
of  Liberty,  who  were,  doubtless,  on  their 
way  to  illume  the  pathway  of  the  liberty- 
loving  people  of  other  spheres.  They  then 
turned  their  faces  toward  the  home  of  the 
guardians  of  Liberte,  when  America,  gaz 
ing  into  the  face  of  his  betrothed,  ex 
claimed: 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         363 
"Fair  Liberte,  shall  I  say  to  thee  adieu?" 

Liberte  responded: 

"Nay,  America,  say  not  to  Liberte  adieu! 
The  Power  Divine  hath  heard  our  prayer! 
We  meet  again  at  dawn  to  say  '  Good  morn' ! " 

The  cherished  daughter  of  the  Goddess 
then,  facing  her  lover,  retreated  from  him, 
and  he  watched  the  light  of  her  counte 
nance  fade  from  his  view,  to  leave  him,  for 
a  time,  in  the  depths  of  the  gloomy  black. 


CHAPTER  XXV 

THE   COMING   OF   THE   KING 

The  God  of  Day  had  not  yet  mounted 
his  diurnal  throne,  but  his  crimson  hair  was 
dangling  loosely  from  his  shoulders  over 
the  horizon,  which  was  fiery  red  from  its 
luxuriance.  The  dome  -  like  peaks  and 
spires  of  the  mountains  and  hills  caught  the 
reflections  of  the  crimson  hue  and  tossed 
them  one  to  another  in  playful  glee,  as 
if  hastening  the  sport  before  the  face  of 
the  day  king  should  appear  in  its  fulness 
and  interfere  with  their  joyful  merriment. 

The  tops  of  the  trees  were  greeting  with 
courtesy  the  morning  breeze;  little  brooks 
were  babbling  down  the  mountain-side,  in 
sweet  companionship  with  their  sister-rills, 
and  the  cataracts  and  cascades  were  playing 
"hide-and-seek"  with  one  another  behind 
the  reflections  from  the  crimson  head  of 
His  Diurnal  Majesty.  The  birds  were 
chirping  and  dancing  over  the  dew-covered 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         365 

meadows,  which  had  not  yet  felt  the  glow 
of  warmth  from  the  smile  of  King  Sol,  who 
was  awakening  nature  to  welcome  him  on 
his  morning  round. 

America,  as  if  oblivious  of  the  awakening 
of  nature,  was  bowing  his  head  in  silent 
prayer  to  Him  from  whom  all  blessings 
flow — prayer  for  wisdom  and  guidance,  in 
an  emergency  wrought  with  forebodings 
of  the  greatest  evil,  which  seemed  to 
threaten,  not  only  the  separation  from 
him  of  his  dear  Liberte — the  beautiful 
"Child  of  the  Sky,"  and  his  lifelong  com 
panion — but  also,  to  imperil  his  very  life. 
When  he  had  bid  adieu  to  the  idol  of  his 
heart,  he  returned  to  sweet  communion 
with  the  only  One  who  could  then  relieve 
the  gloom  of  his  solitude — the  Giver  of  all 
perfect  gifts;  and  he  remained  in  such 
communion  until  the  dawn  of  day.  He 
then  lifted  his  head  to  greet  the  Day  King, 
when  he  discerned,  high  up  and  beyond 
the  mountain-peaks,  a  slowly  descending 
object,  which  he  knew  well  to  be  the  menacer 
of  his  happiness. 

Soon  the  Columbiason  household  was 
astir,  and  on  the  hilltops  and  in  the  meadows 


366         HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

were  visible  various  groups  of  humanity, 
whose  armor  shone  like  burnished  gold 
and  silver,  and  glistened  like  diamonds  in 
the  rays  of  the  rising  sun.  It  was  plain  to 
America  that  the  most  of  these  groups 
were  composed  of  the  Knights  of  the 
Fleece,  and  that  the  distant  aerial  object 
was  none  other  than  the  "Title  Fiend," 
returning  from  Pseudo  Land.  In  this  he 
was  right;  for  soon  the  crimson  hue  of  the 
horizon  turned  to  deepest  gray — a  cloud 
had  crossed  the  empyreal  brow  of  the  God 
of  Day,  and  his  glad  smile  had  turned  to  a 
frown;  the  chirp  of  the  birds  had  ceased, 
and  these  creatures  of  the  air  hung  their 
heads  as  if  in  fear  of  some  calamity;  na 
ture  seemed,  for  a  time,  to  again  close  her 
eyes,  as  if  determined  not  to  become  a 
willing  witness  to  the  shattered  hopes  of 
America  and  his  beloved  fianc6,  the  fairest 
daughter  of  the  fairest  goddess. 

Again  America  lifted  up  his  voice  in 
silent  supplication  to  the  Great  King  of 
the  Universe  and  appealed  for  strength 
and  wisdom  in  this,  his  greatest  hour  of 
peril.  His  silent  appeal  affined  with  the 
still  voice  of  Liberte,  who  was  held  in  bond- 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY          367 

age,  attired  in  wedding  costume,  provided 
by  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece,  in  contempla 
tion  of  her  expected  marriage,  under  du 
ress,  to  their  principal  knight. 

Madam  Columbiana,  on  the  other  hand, 
was  in  the  garden  of  her  palace,  attired  in 
her  most  gorgeous  apparel,  and  surrounded 
by  the  most  dazzling  members  of  her  con 
templated  court.  In  her  hand  she  held 
her  crown,  ready  to  place  it  upon  her  own 
head  when  the  proper  opportunity  should 
present  itself ;  and  her  eyes  were  lifted  up, 
not  in  prayerful  supplication,  but  in  antic 
ipation  of  beholding  the  "Title  Fiend," 
which,  for  a  time,  had  been  lost  to  view  in 
the  gloom,  and  the  sight  of  which  was  to 
give  hope  to  her  longing  desire  for  titular 
recognition. 

Before  the  gloomy  darkness  cleared 
away,  however,  the  "Title  Fiend"  had 
found  anchorage  in  the  Columbiason 
grounds,  unknown  to  America,  or  even  to 
those  who  were  anxiously  awaiting  its 
descent;  hence,  it  was  alleged,  with  no 
little  show  of  truth,  that  "Title"  and 
"King  Monopoly"  had  stealthily  de 
scended  upon  the  country,  which  was  in 


368         HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

ignorance  of  their  intentions  until  within 
their  grasp.  Indeed,  it  would  almost  seem 
as  though  Nature  herself  had  contributed 
to  the  clandestine  anchorage  of  the  "Title 
Fiend"  and  to  the  firm  foothold  of  "King 
Monopoly,"  by  obscuring  the  vision  of 
their  antagonists;  but  in  reality,  it  was 
Title  and  Monopoly  that  had  shut  out  the 
light  and  subordinated  Nature  to  their  mach 
inations. 

However,  as  has  been  said,  it  is  the  duty 
of  the  historian  to  deal  with  facts;  and 
the  fact  is,  Title  and  Monopoly,  whether 
clandestinely  or  otherwise,  actually  an 
chored  their  craft  firmly  in  the  native 
land — aye,  in  the  very  garden  home  of  the 
son  of  Columbia;  and  that  he  contributed 
to  the  anchorage  of  the  "Title  Fiend"  is 
evident,  from  the  fact  that  he  was  virtually 
in  command  of  that  aerial  craft.  But,  to 
do  him  justice,  it  must  be  said  that  he  did 
not  realize  the  magnitude  of  the  evil  likely 
to  result  from  such  action;  on  the  con 
trary,  he  regarded  his  act  as  harmless. 
Then,  too,  it  must  be  remembered  that 
even  the  "title  craze"  with  him  was  due 
to  an  outside  influence,  pseudoistic  in  its 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         369 

nature,  by  which  he  was  led,  not  only  not 
to  oppose  titular  honors,  but  to  court  and 
seek  them,  without  any  consideration  as 
to  the  evil  consequences  likely  to  result 
from  his  action. 

He  began  to  consider  the  ancient  methods 
of  pomp  and  display  a  necessary  adjunct 
to  his  household,  and  not  only  to  watch, 
with  the  deepest  interest,  the  ostentatious 
and  spectacular  demonstrations  of  kings 
and  princes,  but  to  ape  those  ceremonies, 
which  he  had  been  taught,  in  his  youth,  to 
regard  as  mere  "tomfoolery,"  unsub 
stantial  and  beneath  him,  as  the  son  of 
Columbia.  Finally,  he  began  to  affiliate 
with  kings,  princes  and  potentates,  from 
whom  presents  and  gifts  were  accepted  as 
if  he  were  a  beggar  accepting  alms,  and 
were  then  exhibited  to  his  friends  and  to 
the  members  of  his  household  as  a  verifica 
tion  of  his  superiority  in  being  selected  as 
a  worthy  recipient.  Then,  the  monarchs 
and  their  children  were  invited  to  his  home, 
in  which,  of  course,  there  would  have  been 
no  particular  harm;  for  no  person  can  be 
blamed  for  a  laudable  desire  to  exhibit, 
even  to  kings  and  princes,  the  results  of  his 


3/o          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

well-earned  efforts;  but  on  the  arrival  of 
these  "by  divine  right"  dignitaries,  a 
sense  of  worshipful  adoration  seemed  to 
take  possession  of  him  and  of  his  house 
hold,  the  female  members  of  which  sought 
every  conceivable  method  to  ingratiate 
themselves,  with  matrimonial  intentions, 
into  the  good  graces  of  those  recipients  of 
Columbiason's  bountiful  reciprocation  for 
the  nice  little  souvenirs  which  he  had  re 
ceived  from  them.  Indeed,  marriages  with 
princes,  counts,  dukes  and  what  not,  by 
the  maidens  and  widows  of  the  household 
became  of  frequent  occurrence,  and  it  came 
to  such  a  pass  that  no  proposal  of  marriage 
from  a  titled  foreigner,  however  impecuni 
ous  or  unworthy  he  might  be,  was  declined. 
Upon  this,  Columbiason  and  his  wife 
looked  with  smiles  of  satisfaction,  not 
withstanding  the  fact  that  domestic  in 
felicity  usually  caused  the  giddy  females 
to  sue  for  return  to  the  household,  after 
their  savings  had  been  squandered  by  these 
wily  foreigners. 

Concerning  the  landing  of  "King  Mo 
nopoly,"  Columbiason  cannot  be  wholly 
blamed  for  it.  His  mind  had  been  dwelling 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         371 

on  titular  honors,  into  which  condition  it 
had  been  led  at  the  lake  by  the  emissary  of 
His  Pseudoic  Majesty.  The  Knights  of 
the  Fleece  were  all  titled — self -created  and 
domestic  titles,  it  is  true,  but  nevertheless, 
titles — and  when  Columbiason  failed  in 
his  efforts  to  obtain  a  title  from  the  mon 
arch  of  the  country  which  claimed  his  an 
cestors,  it  was  not  unnatural  that  he 
should  turn  for  consolation  and  advice  to 
his  domestic  acquaintances,  the  glitter  of 
whose  coats-of-mail  outshone  those  of  any 
foreign  potentate  or  prince  with  whom  he 
had  considered  it  his  good  fortune  to  come 
in  contact.  Besides,  the  Knights  of  the 
Fleece  were  the  friends  of  Columbiason,  as 
he  supposed,  and  he  felt  too  much  confi 
dence  in  them  to  even  question  the  methods 
by  which  they  gained  their  wealth  and 
power.  When,  therefore,  after  his  un 
availing  efforts,  above  referred  to,  they 
offered  him  a  place  in  their  ranks  as 
"Knight  of  the  Titular  Fleece,"  he  ac 
cepted  the  honor,  little  dreaming  that  it 
was  merely  titular,  while  the  whole  control 
was  in  the  hands  of  his  supposed  friends. 
After  Columbiason  had  once  accepted 


372          HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

proffers  from  the  hands  of  the  Knights  of 
the  Fleece,  he  became  their  slave.  He 
had  "signed  the  contract!"  He  was  one 
of  them — a  member  of  the  board  of  di 
rectors — but  they  held  all  the  stock  and 
voted  it.  Titular  was  his  honor  indeed, 
and  he  gained  the  reputation  of  being  "in 
the  hands  of  his  friends." 

When  the  anchorage  of  the  "Title 
Fiend"  was  secure,  the  various  Knights 
of  the  Fleece  were  promptly  notified,  and 
most  of  them  assembled  hurriedly  at  the 
place  of  anchorage,  to  assist  in  the  descent 
of,  to  them,  the  most  distinguished  pas 
senger  of  that  aerial  craft. 

A  ladder  was  soon  lowered  from  the  craft 
to  terra  firma,  at  the  feet  of  the  Knight  of 
the  Golden  Fleece,  who  stood,  gazing  up 
at  Columbiason,  who  was  in  the  act  of  de 
scending  to  earth,  when  that  wily  knight 
saluted  him  with  "  Hail,  brother  Knight  of 
the  Titular  Fleece!"  Columbiason  re 
turned  the  salutation  with  "Hail,  brother 
Knight  of  the  Golden  Fleece!"  Then, 
pausing  for  a  moment,  he  continued: 
"Thou  hast  no  doubt,  sir,  worthy  knight, 
the  pockets  of  the  people  filled  with  gold, 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         373 

in  accordance  with  thy  contract,  executed 
with  thy  brother-knights  ? " 

"  Hast  thou  brought  with  thee  His  Pseu- 
doic  Majesty?"  inquired  the  Knight  of  the 
Golden  Fleece,  without  answering  the  in 
quiry  of  his  brother-knight. 

"  Aye,  King  Monopoly  is  here  and  awaits 
appellative  designation  under  the  baptism 
of  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece!"  responded 
a  stentorian  voice,  unrecognized  by  Colum- 
biason,  who  turned  to  see  from  whence  it 
came.  To  his  amazement,  he  beheld  near 
him  a  huge,  almost  monstrous  form,  except 
it  was  that  of  a  human  being.  In  his 
hand  he  held  a  huge  sceptre,  representing 
all  the  known  great  industries  of  the  coun 
try;  this  he  wielded  before  Columbiason, 
as  a  symbol  of  his  power,  then,  stepping 
up  to  him,  he  thrust  him  aside  with  one 
hand  as  easily  as  if  he  were  a  mere  baby, 
and  took  his  place,  to  listen  to  what  the 
Knight  of  the  Golden  Fleece  had  to  say. 

Columbiason,  incensed  at  the  audacity 
of  the  monster,  stepped  back  and  placed 
his  hand  on  the  hilt  of  his  sword,  which  he 
partly  drew  from  its  scabbard, when  he  de 
tected  something  about  the  monster  that 


374          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

compelled  recognition;  and,  returning  his 
sword  to  its  scabbard,  he  bowed  low  before 
the  monster,  and  exclaimed:  "Your  Pseu- 
doic  Majesty,  King  Monopoly! " 

"Aye,  another  creation  of  mortal  mind, 
that  grants  me  power  as  it  will,"  replied 
King  Pseudo;  for  the  monster  was  none 
other  than  he. 

The  Knight  of  the  Golden  Fleece,  then 
addressing  the  King,  exclaimed: 

"  King  Monopoly!  No  better  appellation 
couldst  thou  have!  What  hast  thou  mo 
nopolized  of  late? " 

"The  air  of  all  the  spheres  within  the 
range  of  the  sun's  rays,"  responded  the 
King. 

"  King  Monopoly  requires  no  more  fleecy 
a  baptism !  He  shall  choke  all  competition 
by  depriving  it  of  breath!  Let  him  de 
scend  to  earth  and  assume  the  kingship 
of  the  consolidated  interests  of  the  Knights 
of  the  Fleece!"  exclaimed  the  Knight  of 
the  Golden  Fleece. 

In  the  mean  time,  nearly  all  of  the 
Knights  of  the  Fleece  had  assembled  to 
welcome  King  Monopoly,  who  descended 
the  ladder  leading  from  the  aerial  craft, 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         375 

jumping  firmly  and  securely  on  the  land 
from  the  foot-round  thereof.  Of  course, 
he  was  greeted  most  cordially  by  the 
Knights  of  the  Fleece,  except  a  few  of 
those  knights,  who  had  been  detained  in 
the  palace,  and  the  Knight  of  the  Titular 
Fleece,  who  still  remained  on  the  "Title 
Fiend,"  watching  the  proceedings  of  the 
hospitable  reception  of  the  metamorphosed 
King  Pseudo.  He  finally  shouted  to  the 
Knight  of  the  Golden  Fleece,  "  What  about 
the  contract,  brother- Knight?" 

"King  Monopoly  needs  fulfil  no  con 
tract!  "  replied  the  brother- knight. 

"But,  how  about  the  people's  pockets?" 
inquired  Columbiason. 

"King  Monopoly  takes,  and  gives  not!" 
replied  the  brother-knight. 

"  Then  will  I  return  His  Pseudoic  Maj 
esty  to  Pseudo  Land  without  delay!" 
cried  Columbiason  from  the  deck  of  the 
"Title  Fiend." 

The  King  then,  looking  up  at  his  bene 
factor,  replied: 

"King  Monopoly  is  here  to  stay!  His 
Pseudoic  Majesty  is  a  pseudonym,  good 
enough  for  Pseudo  Land!  King  Monopoly 


376          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

is  a  reality  indeed,  whom  thou,  O  Son  of 
Columbia,  hast  harbored  unaware!  Thou 
art  his  Prime  Minister,  yet  his  slave,  sub 
ject  to  his  control,  with  permission,  of 
course,  of  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece — the 
baron  knights  who,  with  thine  help,  hath 
brought  him  here!" 

Columbiason  cried:  "  Nay!  nay!'  Tis  false! 


c  » 


Beware!  Sir  Knight  Columbiason! 
Tis  false'  would  do  in  Pseudo  Land, 
where  I,  a  pseudo  king,  stood  well  with 
thee,"  interrupted  the  King;  "but,"  he 
continued,  "  King  Monopoly  brooks  no 
criticism!  His  mission  here  is  known  to 
all  the  Knights !  Beware ! ' ' 

Columbiason,  for  the  first  time,  realized 
that  he  had  been  bowing  to  King  Monopoly 
under  other  names,  and  had,  through  mis 
apprehension,  not  only  harbored  him,  but 
had  been  made  a  tool  of  by  the  Knights  of 
the  Fleece  to  actually  give  him  a  foothold 
in  the  country,  from  which  it  seemed  im 
possible  to  dislodge  him,  without  also 
infringing  the  assumed  rights  of  all  the 
Knights  of  the  Fleece,  of  whom  Columbia- 
son  was  a  brother-knight.  He  saw  plainly 
that  he  was  in  the  power  of  King  Monopoly, 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         377 

and  of  his  masters,  the  Knights  of  the 
Fleece ;  and,  in  an  agitated  frame  of  mind, 
he  retired  to  his  cabin,  and  hurriedly 
changing  his  apparel,  returned  to  the 
deck ;  then,  grasping  a  round  of  the  ladder,  he 
descended  from  the  "Title  Fiend,"  to  seek 
consolation  in  the  arms  of  Madam  Colum- 
biana,  who  was  awaiting  his  arrival  at  the 
palace,  attired  as  if  for  a  coronation  feat. 

Columbiason,  as  Knight  of  the  Titular 
Fleece,  and  Premier  to  King  Monopoly, 
was  now  also  attired  in  most  gorgeous 
costume  becoming  the  dignity  of  his  high 
office.  He  was  no  longer  "plain  Colum 
biason"  —no  longer  the  "  Son  of  Columbia." 
He  stood  before  the  world  rather  as  the 
Son  of  "King  Monopoly,"  in  that  he  was 
the  tool  of  that  high  dignitary.  In  his 
longing  to  escape  from  himself  as  "plain 
Columbiason,"  however,  he  little  dreamed 
that  his  wish  must  be  gratified  at  the  ex 
pense  of  his  freedom.  First,  his  thoughts 
were  monopolized  by  "Title"  to  such  an 
extent  that  he  was  ultimately  carried  by 
the  "Title  Fiend"  into  Pseudo  Land — the 
land  of  false  thoughts  and  air-castles., 
and  while  there,  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece 


378         HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

were  fleecing  him  of  his  rights  as  a  true  son 
of  Columbia;  so  that,  when  he  came  down 
from  the  air,  he  virtually  found  himself  a 
captive  in  the  hands  of  a  king  whom  he 
had  been  led  to  honor — the  King  of  Pseudo 
Land — the  land  of  falsity.  His  very  title 
of  "Knight  of  the  Titular  Fleece"  was 
false,  and  he  was  the  only  kinght  who 
could  do  no  fleecing,  even  had  he  been 
disposed  to  do  so. 

Had  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece  called 
themselves  "Knights  of  Monopoly,"  Co- 
lumbiason  would  have  rebelled  against 
uniting  with  them.  The  name  "  Knights  of 
the  Fleece"  was  alluring.  It  had  two 
meanings — one,  the  beautiful  pure  fleece 
itself,  and  the  other,  to  fleece.  Columbia- 
son  regarded  the  fleece  as  white  as  the 
driven  snow,  but  he  found  when  he 
returned  to  earth,  or,  as  it  were,  to 
himself,  that  his  brother-knights  had 
been  making  a  specialty  of  personating 
that  angelic  quality  in  appearance  only, 
and  had  even  fleeced  the  fleece  and  used  it 
to  dazzle  the  eyes  of  the  fleeced.  Even 
His  Pseudoic  Majesty  was  a  tool  of  these 
wily  knights,  who  preferred  to  keep  him 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY          379 

under  a  false  name — a  pseudo  or  false  king, 
but  finally,  their  transactions  became  so 
daring,  and  they  so  obnoxious,  that  they 
felt  obliged  to  shift  the  responsibility  to 
"King  Monopoly,"  and  that  figurehead, 
who  continued  a  tool  of  the  knights,  was 
led  to  proclaim  his  own  name. 

On  leaving  the  "Title  Fiend,"  Colum- 
biason  hurried  to  his  palace,  to  which  he 
was  promptly  admitted.  He  then  hastened 
to  the  grand  reception  hall,  which,  during 
his  absence  in  Pseudo  Land,  had  been 
converted  into  what  was  called  uthe 
throne  room,"  where  he  found  Madam  Co- 
lumbiana  seated  on  an  elaborate  throne, 
which  had  been  specially  constructed  and 
fitted  up  for  the  new  king.  She  was  sur 
rounded  by  a  new  set  of  courtiers,  in 
cluding  a  few  knights  of  the  fleece,  who, 
doubtless,  thought  it  good  policy  to  permit 
her  to  temporarily  occupy  the  throne; 
and  she  seemed,  as  never  before,  to  appre 
ciate  the  dignity  of  her  position.  She  no 
longer  considered  herself  plain  "  Madam 
Columbiana."  Her  actions  and  manners 
had  changed,  and  form  had  become  a  part 
of  her  very  existence.  When,  therefore, 
Columbiason  entered  the  "throne  room," 


38o      HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

which  he  did  unceremoniously,  "Her 
Madamhood"  indignantly  inquired,  "By 
what  authority  dare  a  visitor  enter  the 
presence  of  Columbiana  unannounced?" 

"Knowest  thou  not  thy  Columbiason  ? " 
inquired  her  husband. 

"Truly,  but  that  giveth  him  not  the 
privilege  of  mortifying  Columbiana  by  in 
truding  himself  unannounced!"  responded 
the  Madam. 

"Even  my  wife  in  the  hands  of  the 
'Knights  of  Monopoly!'"  said  Columbia- 
son  to  himself;  then,  bowing  low,  he  ex 
claimed  aloud: 

"The  force  of  thy  remarks  doth  impress 
Columbiason  deeply.  He  shall  hereafter 
even  to  himself  announce  himself  lest  he 
forget  himself;  aye,  and  his  very  name,  as 
the  son  of  Columbia!"  He  then  made  his 
exit  from  the  "  throne  room." 

Soon  after  his  departure  from  the  pres 
ence  of  his  wife,  a  messenger  announced 
a  summons  for  the  knights  who  were 
present,  to  appear  before  King  Monopoly; 
and  Madam  Columbiana,  accompanied  by 
the  few  knights  who  were  assembled  in 
her  presence,  left  the  room  to  obey  the 
summons. 


CHAPTER  XXVI 

THE    VICTORY 

When  Columbiason  left  the  throne  room, 
he  wandered  back  into  the  garden  in  a 
dejected  frame  of  mind.  He  felt  that,  al 
though  he  had  left  the  "Title  Fiend,"  he 
was  as  much  under  the  influence  of  title  as 
he  was  under  the  control  of  King  Monopoly, 
both  of  which  were  virtually  under  the 
control  of  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece,  his 
brothers  of  the  fleecing  industry.  His 
gaudy  attire  made  him  the  centre  of  at 
traction,  and  he  felt  some  consolation  in 
the  fact  that,  although  his  ambition  for 
foreign  title  had  not  been  gratified,  there 
was  at  least  a  possibility  of  his  achieving 
honors  in  his  own  country  equally  dignified ; 
and,  so  long  as  his  brother-knights  would 
not  expel  him  from  the  order  of  "Fleecy- 
Knighthood,"  he  knew  that  he  could  do 
nothing  but  await  his  opportunities.  That 
a  king  and  his  court  were  now  assured, 


382          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

there  was,  he  argued  to  himself,  no  doubt, 
and  who  knew  but  that  he  might  some  day 
ascend  the  throne? 

As  he  cast  his  eyes  toward  the  moun 
tains,  near  the  now  celebrated  mirror  lake, 
his  mind  might  have  been  carried  back  to 
the  source  of  his  original  ancestral  and 
titular  struggles,  had  he  not  discovered,  at 
the  foot  of  the  mountains,  his  ward,  Lib- 
erte,  surrounded  by  the  Knights  of  the 
Fleece,  headed  by  King  Monopoly,  who  was 
gesticulating  in  a  menacing  manner,  as  if 
to  threaten  her  freedom.  Columbiason 
hastened  his  steps  until  he  had  arrived  at 
the  side  of  his  brother-knights,  who  ap 
peared,  by  their  action,  to  be  urging  King 
Monopoly  on  to  overtures  of  marriage  to 
the  fair  ward  of  their  titular  brother- 
knight. 

Indeed,  Columbiason  found  that  it  was 
a  preconceived  plan  on  their  part  to  marry 
Liberte  to  King  Monopoly,  and  that  her 
wedding-gown,  in  which  she  was  attired 
for  the  coming  great  occasion,  had  been 
ordered  at  the  suggestion  of  the  Knights 
of  the  Fleece.  Liberte  looked  beautiful 
in  the  wedding-raiment,  but  she  would 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         383 

have  looked  even  more  beautiful  in  her 
own  simple  gown.  Her  features,  however, 
betrayed  a  sadness  inexpressible.  She 
seemed  to  feel  her  sense  of  freedom  leaving 
her.  She  knew  well  that  King  Monopoly 
cared  no  more  for  her  than  she  cared  for 
him,  and  that  his  only  reason  for  seeking  to 
force  her  into  so  unholy  a  marriage  with 
him  was  to  deprive  America  of  her  hand. 
She  determined,  therefore,  to  resist  his 
overtures  to  the  last,  come  what  might. 

The  Knights  of  the  Fleece  must  have 
realized  the  determination  on  Liber te's 
part  to  offer  such  resistance ;  for  they  were 
soon  in  secret  consultation  with  King 
Monopoly,  and  it  took  little  to  convince 
Columbiason  of  a  conspiracy  to  seize  her 
person  and  compel  the  bestowal  of  her 
hand  upon  that  monarch  of  their  own  crea 
tion. 

In  the  mean  time,  Madam  Columbiana 
had  made  a  formal  approach  to  the  pres 
ence  of  the  body  of  knights,  in  a  manner 
more  ostentatious  than  anything  of  the 
kind  Columbiason  had  ever  before  wit 
nessed.  She  was  conveyed  in  a  hand 
some  sedan  chair,  which  was  preceded  by 


384          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

a  band  of  music  and  exquisitely  attired 
"courtiers,"  and  followed  by  a  retinue  of 
attendants  as  magnificently  attired;  and 
there  was  a  display  of  pomp  which  must 
have  astounded  even  King  Monopoly 
himself.  Her  coming,  however,  appeared 
to  have  prevented  the  immediate  per 
petration  of  the  nefarious  design  of  the 
King  and  his  collusive  Knights;  for  they 
turned  their  attention  for  a  time  from 
Liberte  to  her  guardians,  whom  they 
observed  with  interest.  They  felt  that 
pomp  and  ceremony  were  very  important 
adjuncts  to  the  monarchial  state  into  which 
they  were  about  to  enter.  It  was  true 
the  coronation  ceremonies  had  not  yet 
taken  place,  but  the  "throne  room"  was 
in  order,  and  the  throne  was  constructed 
for  King  Monopoly,  who  had  only  to  be 
crowned — a  mere  matter  of  form. 

Madam  Columbiana,  on  arriving  at  the 
foot  of  the  mountain,  near  the  King  and 
his  knights,  was  assisted  to  alight  from  the 
sedan  chair,  and,  preceded  by  half  a  dozen 
heralds,  and  followed  by  two  pages  holding 
her  train,  she  approached  King  Monopoly, 
to  whom  she  had  the  audacity  to  extend 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY          385 

her  hand  to  be  kissed  by  him.  Of  course, 
the  King  paid  no  attention  to  her  hand  but 
immediately  extended  his  own  hand,  which 
she  grasped  and  kissed  with  so  much  fervor 
that  it  gave  rise  to  the  impression  that  her 
hand  was  extended  with  the  intention  of 
taking  King  Monopoly's  hand  for  the  pur 
pose  of  kissing  it.  Be  that  as  it  may,  King 
Monopoly  evidently  felt  that  he  owed  her 
no  favors;  for  he  certainly  granted  none. 
"Her  Madamhood"  then  extended  her 
hand  to  Columbiason,  who  stood  close  to 
the  King,  as  his  unwilling  Premier,  and  he 
impressed  upon  it  a  kiss  of  domesticity 
that  brought  to  the  face  of  his  wife  a  smile 
of  satisfaction ;  and  as  the  eyes  of  the  con 
jugal  couple  met,  the  two  embraced  each 
other  upon  terms  of  equality  and  walked 
together  nearer  to  the  Knights  of  the 
Fleece,  who  soon  surrounded  them. 

In  the  mean  time,  Liberte,  who  had 
stood  trembling  before  King  Monopoly 
and  his  titled  vampires,  gave  every  indica 
tion  of  utter  despair.  She  knew  well  that 
those  enemies  of  America  were  conspiring 
to  no  good  purpose,  and  she  had  every 
reason  to  believe  that  in  the  event  of  their 


386          HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

failure  to  force  her  to  marry  King  Monop 
oly,  their  ultimate  aim  was  to  deprive 
America  of  his  Liberte,  either  by  killing 
her  or  by  casting  her  into  prison,  in  the 
hope  that  he  would  forget  her,  as  her 
guardians  had  done,  or  until  her  beauty 
should  fade  and  all  hope  of  her  final  union 
with  him  should  perish. 

As  Liberte,  despondent  and  hopeless, 
was  thus  meditating  upon  her  future,  Amer 
ica  recognized  the  object  of  his  devotion 
from  his  place  of  prayer.  Although  she 
had  been  brought  down  by  King  Monopoly 
and  his  "fleecing"  knights  from  her  high 
elevation  to  the  low  plain  which  they  occu 
pied,  her  countenance  shone  to  America 
as  resplendent  as  when  she  lifted  up  her 
voice  with  his  for  succor  and  support  in 
the  time  of  terrible  despair  which  encom 
passed  their  souls.  But,  from  her  actions 
and  demeanor,  he  knew  that  she  was 
grieving  and  anxious,  and  he  hastened 
to  her  side,  where  he  arrived  just  as  her 
guardians  had  passed  her  by,  and  as  the 
Knights  of  the  Fleece  were  engaged  in 
their  nefarious  designs  against  her. 

Liberte,   on   again  beholding  her  lover 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY          387 

by  her  side,  threw  her  arms  around  his 
neck  and  exclaimed: 

"America!     America! 

Truly  would  monopoly 

And  the  spirit  of  caste 

Manacle  thy  Liberte 

And  hold  her  fast! 

In  fear  and  despair 

She  craves  thy  care! 

America!     America!     Let  them 

Not  tear  from  thee 

Thy  Liberte!" 

America,  stepping  back  and  taking  her 
hand  in  his  own,  replied: 
"Liberte!     Liberte! 
The  glorious  light  divine 
Which  from  thy  countenance 
Resplendent  radiates 
In  freedom's  cause  sublime, 
My  soul  awakes! 
Thy  cause,  dear  Liberte, 
In  lofty  purpose  pure, 
Inspires  my  heart  and  soul, 
Though  hardships  I  endure, 
To  make  thy  cause  my  goal, 
Till  thou,  indeed,  art  free!" 

When  the  wily  body  of  King  Monopoly's 


388         HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

supporters  surrounded  Columbiason  and 
his  wife,  who  had  approached  them  in 
ostentation  and  pomp,  they  did  so  under 
the  pretense  of  doing  them  homage,  but, 
in  reality,  to  prevent  their  escape  from 
their  clutches.  No  sooner  had  America 
finished  his  reply  to  Liberte  than  King 
Monopoly,  followed  by  the  knights  sur 
rounding  her  guardians,  approached  the 
lovers,  whom  the  King  informed  that  it 
was  the  will  and  pleasure  of  the  Knights 
of  the  Fleece  that  he,  as  virtual  head  of 
the  Republic,  take  the  beautiful  Liberte 
to  be  his  wife;  and  he  took  occasion  to 
warn  America,  whose  freedom  was  already 
greatly  curtailed  by  the  knights,  that 
unless  he  discontinued  his  attentions  to 
Liberte,  he  would  seize  him  and  hold  him 
in  complete  bondage. 

When  America  looked  upon  King  Monop 
oly  and  his  host  of  "fleecing"  knights, 
his  heart  sank  within  him.  He  realized 
their  great  power  and  saw  no  hope  of  re 
gaining  even  the  freedom  of  which  he  had 
been  deprived,  much  less  of  retaining  the 
little  which  that  powerful  body  had  seen 
fit  to  accord  to  him;  for  he  felt  himself 


HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         389 

alone.  He  beheld,  with  the  deepest  cha 
grin,  the  guardians  of  Liberte  surrounded 
by  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece  and,  virtu 
ally,  prisoners  in  the  hands  of  the  king  of 
that  great  corporate  band,  which  had  taken 
advantage  of  their  shortcomings  in  idol 
izing  title  and  gold,  to  compel  their  sub 
serviency  to  King  Monopoly,  the  pseudo- 
king,  who  did  not  disclose  his  identity  until 
too  late  for  them  to  save  themselves  from 
his  clutches,  even  had  they  reailzed  that 
they  were  within  his  grasp. 

America's  love  for  Liberte,  however,  had 
inspired  his  soul  and  made  him  resolve  to 
undertake  the  greatest  effort  of  his  life  in 
her  defense. 

Under  that  inspiring  resolution,  he  lost 
all  fear  and  looked  defiantly  upon  King 
Monopoly,  whose  eyes,  unable  to  meet,  with 
out  blinking,  those  of  one  whom  that  mon 
arch,  for  the  first  time,  recognized  as  his 
antagonist,  fell  to  the  ground;  and  there 
is  no  doubt  that  the  heartless  King  would 
have  retreated,  had  it  not  been  for  his 
powerful  supporters,  the  equally  heartless 
Knights  of  the  Fleece,  who  held  their  scep 
tres  aloft  and  urged  him  forward. 


390          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

America,  suspecting  nothing  more  than 
intrigue,  had  neglected  to  arm  himself; 
nor  would  his  arming  alone  have  served 
him  against  so  formidable  a  body;  he, 
however,  turned  his  head  and  cast  a  loving 
glance  at  Liberte,  who  gave  him  the  faith 
of  a  David.  The  moment  he  turned  his 
head,  King  Monopoly  sprang  toward  him, 
and  raising  his  consolidated  sceptre,  struck 
him  a  blow,  which  staggered  him.  He 
then  sprang  toward  Liberte  and  again 
raised  his  sceptre  to  strike  from  her  head 
her  liberty-cap,  when  America,  recovering 
his  senses,  sprang  forward,  and  grasping 
from  the  hand  of  Liberte  a  small  liberty- 
pole  which  she  held  as  an  emblem  of  free 
dom,  thrust  it  in  front  of  her,  saying: 

"Hold! 

Whate'er  thou  dost  to  me, 
Strike  no  blow  at  Liberty!" 

The  sceptre  came  down  with  force  upon 
the  emblem  of  freedom  and  fell  from  the 
hand  of  King  Monopoly.  It  was,  how 
ever,  instantly  recovered  by  the  Knights 
of  the  Fleece  and  restored  to  their  King, 
who,  aided  by  those  knights,  held  America 
in  check  and  seized  Liberte,  whom  they 


HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         391 

manacled,  intending  to  lead  her  away  to 
prison. 

King  Monopoly  then,  viewing  the  knights, 
exclaimed : 

"What  a  noble  set  of  generals!  They 
would  bring  any  nation  to  the  feet  of  King 
Monopoly,  by  whom  even  Liberty  is  now 
held  captive!" 

So  saying,  he  grasped  with  his  left  hand 
a  chain  attached  to  one  of  the  manacled 
wrists  of  Liberte,  and  striking  his  breast 
with  his  right  hand,  cried: 

"Let  the  trumpet  sound, 
And  let  my  subjects  know 
That  King  Monoply  has  come  to  stay! 
Where  is  my  throne  ? 
Where  is  my  crown? 
Make  way,  I  say,  for  King  Monopoly!" 

America,  beholding  Liberte  in  captivity, 
struggled  with  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece, 
who  held  him  captive ;  and,  by  a  herculean 
effort,  he  released  himself  from  their 
clutches  and  bounded  to  her  side,  followed 
by  King  Monopoly. 

At  that  moment,  there  appeared,  just 
over  the  head  of  Liberte,  a  small  cloud, 


392          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

through  which  appeared  a  hand.  In  the 
hand  was  held  a  sword.  King  Monopoly 
struggled  to  obtain  possession  of  it,  for  it 
was  the  sword  of  justice;  but  Liberte, 
looking  up  and  perceiving  it,  grasped  it 
and  quickly  handed  it  to  America,  who 
wielded  it  defiantly  and  prepared  for  an 
attack  on  King  Monopoly,  whom  he  ad 
dressed  thus: 
"Now,  King  Monopoly,  King  Title  or  whoe'er 

thou  art — 

The  name  King  Pseudo  suits  thee  well, 
Because  thou  art  as  false  as  hell — 
Thyself  defend!     Thy  time  has  come  to  fall! 
Ne'er  shalt  thou  hold  the  rights  of  all 
Again   and  make  them  bend  to  thy   infernal 
will!" 

This  sudden  stand  on  the  part  of  America 
seemed  greatly  to  amuse  the  Knights  of 
the  Fleece,  who  laughed  quite  heartily  at 
his  apparent  audacity;  but  America  had 
relegated  all  fear  to  oblivion.  He  held  in 
his  hand  the  sword  of  justice,  in  which 
his  confidence  had  not  been  shaken;  and, 
attacking  King  Monopoly,  he  used  it 
effectually  upon  the  consolidated  sceptre, 
which  fell  from  the  King's  hand.  This 
seemed  to  enrage  the  King,  who  cried : 


HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY         393 

"  It  is  now  America  or  King  Monopoly! " 
and  drawing  his  sword,  he  sprang  forward 
and,  with  his  mighty  arm,  wielded  it  in  a 
fierce  attack  upon  his  antagonist,  en 
couraged  by  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece, 
who  shouted  "Bravo!"  and  clapped  their 
hands  as  they  looked  on. 

America  defended  himself  bravely  for  a 
time,  but  was  gradually  forced  backward 
by  King  Monopoly,  much  to  the  renewed 
delight  of  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece. 
Watching  his  opportunity,  however,  he 
soon  became  again  the  aggressor,  and 
the  struggle  grew  fierce  and  terrible. 
America  was  fighting  for  his  Liberte,  the 
very  glance  from  whose  eyes  inspired  him 
to  greater  effort;  and  the  great  King  Mo 
nopoly,  with  all  his  strength,  finally  began 
to  show  signs  of  fatigue  as  if  he  had  taken 
on  too  much  corpulency  to  longer  wield, 
with  ease,  the  sword  of  monopoly  against 
the  sword  of  justice. 

America,  in  the  mean  time,  followed  up 
his  advantage,  and  dealing  King  Monopoly 
a  heavy  blow  with  his  sword,  felled  him  to 
earth;  then,  springing  upon  him,  he  placed 
his  foot  on  his  neck,  and,  wielding  the 


394          HIS    PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

sword  of  justice  on  high,  was  about  to 
sever  his  head  from  his  body,  when,  to 
the  consternation  of  Liberte  and  of  her 
guardians,  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece  drew 
their  swords,  and  springing  forward,  caught 
on  their  weapons  the  descending  blow. 
Then,  like  tigers,  they  sprang  upon  America, 
who,  for  a  time,  defended  himself  as 
bravely  as  before,  but  the  concerted  power 
of  so  many  supporters  of  King  Monopoly 
and  Title  told  heavily  upon  him.  He 
managed  still  to  hold  firmly  the  sword  of 
justice,  but  was  prevented  from  wielding 
it  aggressively,  and  he  was  beginning  to 
despair  and  to  lose  hope.  He  was  falling 
back  toward  the  mountains,  followed  closely 
by  the  Knights  of  the  Fleece,  whose  fresh 
vigor  contributed  to  their  never-ceasing 
determination  to  control  the  situation  and 
settle,  once  and  for  all,  the  question  of  su 
periority. 

Liberte  had  fallen  upon  her  knees,  and, 
with  uplifted  hands,  from  which  the  re- 
straining  chains  were  dangling,  was  once 
more  silently  appealing  for  aid,  while  the 
terrible  clash  of  steel  resounded  in  her  ears. 

Suddenly,   a  light,   more  brilliant  than 


HIS    PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY          395 

any  that  had  ever  before  been  seen,  ap 
peared  in  the  mountains.  So  dazzling 
was  its  illumination,  that  the  eyes  of  the 
Knights  of  the  Fleece  could  not  resist  its 
effects  upon  them;  for  it  was  from  the 
countenances  of  the  Goddess  of  Liberty 
and  her  daughters,  the  sister-spirits  of  Lib- 
erte,  all  of  whom  appeared  so  suddenly  in 
the  mountains  before  the  Knights  of  the 
Fleece  that  it  staggered  them,  and  dropping 
their  swords,  they  reeled  and  fell  upon 
their  faces. 

In  the  mean  time,  Columbiason  and  Co- 
lumbiana  hung  their  heads,  as  if  in  shame, 
and  Columbiason  fell  upon  his  knees  be 
fore  the  Goddess  with  uplifted  hands,  as 
if  to  plead  for  mercy.  The  Goddess  be 
held  him  for  a  moment,  and  then  exclaimed: 

"Son  of  Columbia,  arise! 
Unmask!     Cast  off  thy  gaudy  title-robes 
And  show  thyself  Columbia's  son  indeed! 
What  title-robe,  though  royal  it  may  be, 
Compares  with  freedom's  precious  shield 
That  clothes  the  soul  of  Liberty? 
What  foreign  title,  be  it  e'er  so  high, 
And  by  the  hand  of  prince  or  king  bestowed, 
Can  overpoise,  on  freedom's  scale, 


396         HIS   PSEUDOIC    MAJESTY 

The  precious  name  '  America ! ' 

Friend  of  America,  arise, 

And  in  his  name  the  sword  of  freedom  wield ! 

May  liberty  e'er  be  thy  guiding  star; 

America,  thy  watchword  evermore!" 

As  Columbiason  arose  his  gaudy  robes 
fell  from  him,  leaving  him  attired  in  the 
garb  of  an  American  citizen,  while  Colum- 
biana  gathered  her  robes  around  her  in  such 
a  way  that  only  the  red,  white  and  blue 
colors  were  conspicuous,  the  colors  of 
other  nations  having  vanished  from  view. 

The  Goddess  then  turned  to  America 
and  Liberte,  and  exclaimed: 

"And  now,  America,  behold  thy  bride — 
My  fairest,  brightest  daughter,  Liberte! 
Take  her!   She  is  thine  fore vermore, 
Confided  henceforth  to  thy  watchful  care ! " 

At  that  instant  the  manacles  fell  from 
the  wrists  of  Liberte,  who,  with  America, 
arose.  They  then  embraced  each  other, 
while  the  fair  sisters  of  Liberte  joined  in 
singing: 

"Rejoice!     Rejoice!     Proclaim  in  loudest  tone, 
America  and  Liberty  are  one! 
Rejoice !     Rejoice ! " 


HIS   PSEUDOIC   MAJESTY         397 

The  brilliant  light  then  died  away,  but 
its  soft  reflection  evermore  enveloped  the 
son  of  Columbia  and  his  charming  help 
meet,  who  found  their  struggles  and  tribu 
lations  at  an  end.  The  vision  of  the  beau 
tiful  child  of  the  sky  became  evermore 
vivid  in  their  memories,  and  their  love  for 
America  and  his  beautiful  bride  grew  daily 
more  and  more  devoted.  Never  again  was 
the  horrid  spirit  of  caste,  which  was  rep 
resented  by  the  ancient  ancestor  and  the 
pseudo-king,  permitted  to  take  possession 
of  their  souls.  They  no  longer  saw  God 
through  the  "almighty  dollar  ";  they  now 
beheld  him  through  His  own  image  and 
likeness;  and  the  worshipful  adoration  of 
gold,  of  which  King  Monopoly  was  the 
highest  exemplification,  was  found,  like  the 
spirit  of  caste,  to  be  as  unreal  and  power 
less  before  America  and  Liberte  as  was  the 
ancient  knight's  reflection  on  the  lake  to 
the  guardian  of  the  most  beautiful  daughter 
of  the  Goddess  of  Liberty. 


1988 

DATE  DUE 


HIGHSM.TH45-,02 


PRINTED  IN  U.S.A. 


PS3537  M795H57  1903 
Smith,  William  Augustus. 
His  pseudoic  majesty,  or, 
The  knights  of  the  fleece 


,¥?  £S*S***°**  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


AA  001  235116  9 


3  1210  00685  6403 


